by K. Ryan
The source of my downer mood lied in my still-unresolved argument with Finn and it didn’t help that I hadn’t seen him since I’d left his apartment yesterday. We’d texted cordially a little today throughout our respective shifts at work, mainly to confirm the plans for tonight, but that was it. Finn had even offered to pick me up, but since the lounge was literally right down the street from the brewhouse, it just didn’t make sense. Besides, if I came on my own, then I could leave on my own if I needed to.
So, while part of me felt just a tiny bit pathetic by taking extra pains tonight at trying to be the hottest girl in the room, I decided that for once in my life, I’d just own it and strut my stuff, so to speak. Even though I’d had to buy the navy racer-back sheath dress I was wearing right now especially for this occasion, I did have a mini-Sephora in my bathroom, so it was nice to be able to actually have a use for all those products in real life instead of just trying them out in the solitude of my apartment and reporting about them on my blog.
I tucked my bright yellow clutch underneath my arm and blew my bangs out of my eyes so I could more easily scan the lounge for that familiar head of floppy chestnut hair. It only took me a few moments before I spotted him—well, I spotted Slinger’s orange hair first, but that was pretty hard to miss, even in the dim lights. With my heart pounding in all its anxious idiosyncrasies, I wove through the crowd of people already assembled by the bar and placed a careful hand on Finn’s back.
He jumped a little at the contact, but when he shifted around, his arm was already lifting over my head to settle around my shoulders and tuck me in tight. His lips curled up into that sweet, familiar smile I knew so well and he leaned forward to press a quick kiss into my lips, lingering just long enough to tell me everything was going to be okay now.
“It’s good to see you, Em,” Finn murmured in my ear when he pulled away from my lips.
I smiled back, finally releasing that breath I’d been holding since I stepped foot inside this place. Maybe now I’d actually be able to enjoy the night and celebrate my boyfriend’s accomplishments like a normal person. But first, I needed to say a few things.
“Finn,” I whispered to him, grateful that everyone around us was too wrapped up in conversation and alcohol to notice us. “I’m sorry I freaked out on you like that yesterday.”
His lips pulled into a tight line and he shook his head. “It’s not like you were the only one who freaked out. I could’ve handled my shit better, too, and I didn’t. I’m sorry, Em.”
“You weren’t wrong though,” I reminded him with a rueful smile and his arm slipped down to my waist to tuck me in closer.
The problem, though, was that I didn’t know what to do with all the truth he’d bared down on me yesterday. I knew I needed to be angrier than I was...I just couldn’t summon the emotion the way he wanted me to.
“We’ll get it taken care of,” he promised me and kissed the side of my head. “I still haven’t heard back from the principal after I left that voicemail yesterday, but we’ll keep trying, okay? Noah’s on it, I’m on it, and we won’t stop until the people at that school start doing their jobs.”
I swallowed hard, my eyes darting around us to make sure no one was listening in. “Do you think we can talk about this later?”
Finn smiled tightly, but he relented. Then he leaned forward to kiss my temples again. “You look beautiful, Em.”
“Thanks,” I grinned and gripped his tie with both hands to tug him in closer, taking in the slightly rumpled white button-down with its sleeves rolled up to his elbows and the black pants that I was already fantasizing about taking off him later. “And you don’t look half-bad yourself.”
He shrugged and glanced down at his attire before finally cocking an eyebrow my way. “I figured I might as well clean up for the occasion. I wish I owned a decent shirt that wasn’t wrinkled to high hell though.”
“You know ironing is still a thing, right? People do that to get the wrinkles out of their clothes.”
Finn just batted a hand out. “That sounds like it would take work and effort, two things I just don’t really care about when it comes to clothes...or grooming.”
His fingertips fluffed up the dark bushy scruff on his face to prove his point and I reached up to give his unkempt beard a playful tug.
“Promise me you’ll never shave? I don’t think I’d survive if you did.”
His lips spread apart into a slow, knowing grin. “You like the scruff, huh?”
“I don’t mind it.”
With that, he pressed his face close to my cheeks until his whiskers tickled my skin. “You like the way it feels right here?”
I nodded helplessly, a rush of heat flooding all the way down from my ears to my knees. Suddenly, I was hyper-aware that we were standing in the middle of a crowded room and I was too busy contemplating how long we could disappear somewhere dark and quiet before anyone noticed we were missing. I must’ve squeaked in response because Finn’s voice dropped an octave and his husky breath in my ear sent my knees rattling underneath me.
“You like the way it feels other places, don’t you, Em?”
My head bobbed up and down, my lungs wiggled for air, and thankfully, his arm wrapped around my waist to steady me. Finn’s head dipped down even lower so he could catch my gaze and he winked at me deviously.
“Maybe we should hold that thought for later?” I exhaled breathlessly.
“Okay,” he grinned slyly and bit down on his bottom lip. “Later.”
At that point, the rest of his friends decided to make their presence known and I found myself wrapped up in hugs from Heather, Amanda, Megan, and Mara, which surprised me, and an awkward side-hug from Slinger, which didn’t really surprise me all that much. The rest of the guys nodded and waved in greeting and then it was back to normal again, where I could slip back underneath the safety of Finn’s arm and hide a little more.
Conversations carried on easily around me and—wonder of wonders—I found myself actually joining in every once and awhile, laughing along with something somebody said, adding in a little commentary to a story Slinger was telling, and even gave them all a quick update on Oliver. For all intents and purposes, I’d found myself enfolded in a group of friends again. It’d even gotten to the point where Mara and I had gone out to lunch and a few shopping trips together without our guys...and I felt like I could finally, actually, call her my friend without any twinges of guilt.
I was in a crowded bar in downtown Milwaukee with my boyfriend’s arm wrapped around my waist, laughing with friends, and...I felt normal. It felt so good to just feel normal, like this was where I was supposed to be—here, with these people, with Finn’s warm breath humming in my ear.
“Hey,” Finn whispered in my ear. “You need a drink. Let’s head to the bar, huh?”
Finn’s fingers closed around my hand to lead me through the crowd, weaving in and out, until we finally stopped right in front of the bar. He raised a hand to call the bartender over and kept his other hand planted on the small of my back.
“I’m assuming I should probably order one of your beers, right?”
He flashed me a wide grin and leaned in to whisper in my ear, “Get whatever you want.”
I eyed him warily and when the bartender waited for our drink orders, I diplomatically ordered the honey ale since they’d opted to keep my personal favorite, the vanilla porter, exclusive to the brewery. It didn’t seem right to order anything tonight other than Matthews’ beer and Finn winked at me when I gave my order, telling me I’d probably made the right choice.
Just as the bartender stepped away to grab our drinks, someone brushed up against my right shoulder and I felt it before I saw him. That little prickle of awareness sliding down my spine, my breath lodged in my tight throat...I knew what that was before I even turned my head.
“Hey, man!” Finn called out to him over my head and reached around me to shake Chase’s hand. “I didn’t think you were coming tonight.”
Chase just lifted a sh
oulder. “Where else would I be? This is your big night!”
I wanted to roll my eyes, but that would give away the fact that I was on to Chase just as much as he was on to me. Luckily, the bartender reappeared with our drinks and I could distract myself with sipping on my beer. And then everything seemed to happen all at once.
Chase leaned forward on his elbows, angling himself so he could smirk at both Finn and me. “How long you guys been together now? A month?”
Finn shrugged and the hand on my back slipped to my hip. “Closer to two months.”
“Good to see you’re keeping track,” Chase laughed, his eyes darting to me for just a moment, but it was long enough for that paranoia to slip right back into its old familiar place.
“You know,” Chase shook a finger at me now with that smirk that made my breath hitch in my throat. “I’ve been trying to figure out where I’ve seen you before. Ever since that night at the tap room a few weeks ago, I just knew that I recognized you from somewhere.”
Finn frowned at his friend, but when his gaze shot down to me, I could feel his entire body tense, tightening, and readying himself for a fight.
“What are you talking about?” Finn shot back, his face just as hard as his tone.
Chase, on the other hand, didn’t seem to notice and I watched, frozen to the ground, as he unearthed his phone, swiped through a few screens, and then held it up for us to see. Everything shifted in that moment—the air ran cold right along with my blood, the hand at my hip tensed into a fist, and all the people around us might as well have just disappeared.
I should’ve known. I should’ve seen it coming, but that still hadn’t prepared me to see one of those familiar, humiliating pictures flashing across Chase’s screen.
“Chase,” Finn murmured lowly and even in the dim light, his face had turned a dangerous shade of crimson. “Get that shit off your phone. Now.”
“Whoa,” Chase held up both hands. “Did you know about this? Shit...I didn’t know you were into this kinda thing. Good for you, bro.”
I read somewhere that flight or fight aren’t the only two reactions you can have in a tense, potentially dangerous situation. While flight or fight are the most common responses, there’s a third response, too, that’s just as likely and it was the response that had my body in a hold right now: I froze. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t breathe.
All I could do was stare at that picture on Chase’s phone and my world crumbled all over again.
“Didn’t you hear me?” Finn shot back. “Get that off your phone. Now.”
Chase’s eyes widened and he immediately set his phone down, but didn’t bother even closing the screen. That picture still stared up at me, taunting me, haunting me…
“Sorry,” Chase shrugged again. “I guess I see why you’d wanna keep it a secret. But I gotta say, all my buddies at the office are gonna shit themselves when I tell them…”
The moment Chase’s hand connected with my shoulder, Finn whipped around me, shoved me behind him, and stood just inches away from Chase’s face.
“Don’t touch her,” he growled.
Chase’s hands immediately flew up in the air. “Okay, okay. Sorry, bro, I didn’t realize you wanted to keep her all to yourself like this. I thought...I don’t know, if this is some kinda escort thing, I thought you wouldn’t care if I stepped in when you were done and—”
Finn’s hands shot out to shove Chase right in the chest, sending him stumbling back into the person next to him.
“Hey, man!” Chase yelled. “What the hell? Back off, Finn!”
Finn gripped Chase by the collar and shoved him backwards again. “You fucking back off! You don’t know what you’re talking about!”
“I don’t, huh?” Chase huffed before shoving Finn right back in the chest and jabbed a finger at me. “All I know is that I’ve seen your ‘girlfriend’ or whatever she is—but I’ve seen her, and I mean all of her, on more triple-X sites than I’m willing to admit. I’m not the problem here, Finn. Don’t blame me because your girl’s been jacked off to more times than—”
Finn’s fist flung out, connecting with Chase’s jaw and sending him flying backwards, and everything dissolved around me in a blur. Someone yanked me back, pushing me away from Finn, and several pairs of hands held me in place so I couldn’t even step forward. From around the bodies descending around the scene in front of us, I could see Max pushing his son back and Tyler in between them with his hands on Chase’s shoulders.
“It’s not my fault your girlfriend’s a fucking porn slut,” Chase hollered from over Tyler’s shoulder, pointing a finger at Finn, who’s face had distorted into red, murderous rage.
Despite Max yelling at Chase to shut up, he couldn’t keep hold of his son. Finn shoved and jerked his way free from his dad’s grasp and sprung forward, pushing Tyler into the crowd of people surrounding them, and slammed his fist into Chase’s face twice before Max managed to grab hold of him long enough to yank him away.
Everything had devolved into chaos now. People were scrambling to either move away from the fight or towards it, the bartender leapt over the counter to yell something in Finn’s face, someone’s hands shot out to keep me out of the fray, and the whole time, Finn just leaned his elbows on the back of the bar, his eyes boring maliciously into Chase, who spit a tooth out on the floor.
“Hey, Sling!” Max yelled out and jabbed a finger in my direction. “Get those girls out of here.”
It was only then that I realized it was Slinger who’d held me back this entire time and Mara whose hands had settled firmly over my shoulders to keep me from moving any closer. Suddenly, Slinger was jerking me aside so two police officers could move through the crowd where Finn waited patiently for them. He didn’t look surprised to see them at all and he just shrugged when Max murmured something in his ear.
“Slinger, let me go,” I pleaded, but his grip on my arm just tightened.
“I can’t,” he murmured as he pulled me back towards the main exit with Mara coming in behind me to keep me from bolting back towards Finn.
I don’t know how my limbs carried me to Slinger’s car parked a block away. Everything was numb. Somehow, probably with Mara’s help, I slid into the backseat and shut the door behind me. Fog clouded my eyes...I couldn’t see anything around me. It was all just one thick, red haze.
It wasn’t until we’d driven in silence for a few minutes that Slinger’s tense voice finally called out to me from the driver’s seat.
“What happened back there, Emma? I saw you guys talking to Chase and then...what happened?”
Mara twisted around in the passenger seat, her bright blue eyes wide with worry and confusion. “I heard Chase say something about you and he called you a…”
She trailed off, unable to say the words out loud, and looked down at my feet.
“What?” Slinger asked tensely. “What did Chase say?”
Mara’s eyes flew back up to me and she opened her mouth to answer, but just couldn’t bring herself to do it, so I did it for her.
“He called me a porn slut,” I answered. Even to my own ears, my voice sounded hollow. Dead.
“What the fuck?” Slinger jerked around in his seat to face me despite the fact that he was still technically driving. “No wonder Finn beat the shit out of him. I don’t get it, Emma. Why would he…?”
I only got a moment of reprieve when Slinger’s phone rang. He answered it, listened for a few moments, said a few ‘okays’ and ‘yeahs’, and promptly swiped across his screen again to hang up.
He blew out a deep breath and ran a hand over his face with the other still on the wheel. “Max said both Finn and Chase were taken in for disorderly conduct. He’s following them there so he can bail Finn out as soon as he can.”
My eyes squeezed shut, but I was too far gone to feel anything but numb.
“Emma?” Slinger asked me again. “You wanna tell me why Finn got arrested for disorderly conduct tonight?”
I sho
uld’ve known I’d have to do this eventually. Secrets rarely ever stay that way for long and sooner or later, everything you bury in the dark always comes to light. My secret was no exception to that rule. So I went on auto-pilot, dutifully and numbly relating the events that had led to Finn punching one of his oldest friends in the face, starting with me calling off my engagement to Justin and ending with our confrontation with Chase at the bar.
Mara and Slinger sat in the front of the car in complete silence, listening with rapt attention, and finally, when I had nothing left to say and spilt all my dirty secrets out into the open, I blew out one long, heavy sigh.
There was no relief here. Not the way it’d been there when I’d told this exact same story, albeit with more details, to Finn a few weeks ago.
Now, I was reliving it all over again. I was suddenly back in Principal Denfield’s office, listening to him explain why he just couldn’t ‘in good conscience’ keep a staff member who’d behaved ‘that way’. I was suddenly back at my mom’s kitchen table, trying in vain to explain to my family why they’d all gotten emails from my ex-fiancé that day with those pictures attached, and watching my mother coldly, systematically, close the door on our relationship. I was suddenly back in Hickory, at Mike’s Market with my grocery cart, trying to ignore the whispers behind my back, the patrons glaring at me with disgust. I was suddenly back at Jessie’s Coffee Shop, there for my usual vanilla latte, but met with stares, whispers, and a phone number written on my cardboard cup as everyone else around me snickered.
It didn’t matter that Slinger and Mara were looking at me now with only pity and sympathy. It didn’t matter that I didn’t find any judgment in their eyes.
Their pity was just as humiliating.
. . .
A few hours later, I jumped at the knock on my door. Oliver leapt off my lap and I sprung towards the door, breathlessly pulling it open to find a tired, disheveled Finn staring back at me. With one hand planted into my doorframe, he reached for me with the other, but I stepped aside to give him room to pass through the threshold.
