by K. Ryan
When he stepped inside, he shut the door behind him and bent down to scoop Oliver up in his arms. His torn, bloodied knuckles were all I could see.
I took that opportunity to put even more distance between us and moved into the kitchen to get Finn something for his hands. I held up a bag of frozen vegetables and he promptly set Oliver down on the kitchen table, so he could catch the bag I tossed his way. He pressed the ice into his knuckles and leaned his hips into the table before finally searching me out.
“You okay?” Finn’s hoarse voice called out to me.
I huffed out a laugh. “You’re asking me if I’m okay?”
“Come on, Em. Tell me you’re okay.”
My eyes flicked up to him and found him watching me with soft, worried light eyes. I couldn’t lie to him.
“No,” I whispered. “I’m not okay.”
Finn’s face twisted and just as he moved to rise up from the table, I shook my head at him, finally heaving with all the emotions I’d numbed myself to before.
“You got arrested tonight, Finn. How could I possibly be okay?”
He sighed heavily. “I know what you’re thinking and it’s not gonna happen. I told the cops everything they needed to know and they know Chase harassed you and provoked me just as much next as the next person. I’ll have to go to court, but all I’ll get is a fine. That’s it.”
That didn’t make me feel any better. Somehow, it just made me feel even worse.
“Em,” he called out to me again, but this time, his voice had a harder edge to it. “Don’t ask me to apologize because I won’t do it.”
“I’m not gonna ask you to apologize. I know you’re not sorry. I just...I just wish you wouldn’t have done it.”
A hard line ticked down Finn’s jaw and he slammed the bag of frozen vegetables down on the kitchen table, sending Oliver scurrying for the bathroom.
“I’m not gonna do this with you, Em. We went through all this yesterday already and I’m not doing it again.”
My breath came out in one hard huff and tears stung my eyes. “Maybe you should’ve thought of that before you got yourself arrested tonight.”
“Don’t do this,” he shook his head furiously and shot to his feet. “I never knew Chase was such a scumbag...and, well, I’m glad I know now because if I never see that asshole again it’ll be too soon.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and rubbed my face with my hands to scrub the tears away. “That’s not the point. I mean, what’s gonna happen with the Bluestone Lounge now? I can’t imagine they’ll be very happy with you because you started a fight in their bar the night you rolled out your beer there.”
Finn just shrugged like it was seriously no big deal and I gaped at him.
“We’ll have to meet with them on Monday. They’ll probably drop us,” he lifted a shoulder again the way he might if we were talking about which Arrested Development episode to watch tonight.
My life felt like it was on continual repeat, like a broken, tattered record cemented to my turntable and no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t yank it free.
“Finn,” I whispered, my breath stuttering in my throat and now I couldn’t stop the tears from slipping down my cheeks. “I’m so sorry. I—”
The second the word sorry fell from my lips, Finn sprung forward to reach for me, but I shoved his touch away.
“Emma,” he stared me down with his hands on his hips and despite the fact that his chest heaved, his voice was calm. “This was not your fault. Nothing that happened tonight was your fault. Chase is a bastard. That’s on him. I punched him. That’s on me. None of this falls at your feet.”
I was so sick of hearing him tell me it wasn’t my fault...maybe I hadn’t provoked Chase tonight, but did Finn actually believe that if Chase hadn’t seen my picture on some porn site, that he would’ve still punched his friend in the face not just once, but three times tonight?
Finn’s face twisted like he’d just heard every sad but true thought and his jaw set in a tight line as he tentatively took a step towards me. “You don’t believe me, do you? That’s what this is really about. You don’t want anyone doing anything that might actually help you because you don’t think you deserve to be helped.”
I backed away from him until my hips hit my kitchen counter. “Stop it, Finn.”
“You don’t want anyone defending you.”
He said it like no truer statement had ever been uttered and that just sent another wave of tears flooding down my cheeks.
“Well, you know what, Emma?” Finn moved even closer and folded his thick arms across his chest. “Someone has to do it because you obviously have no interest in doing it yourself.”
He’d boxed me in now as both arms descended on either side of me. I had nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide.
“The people who care about you, Em,” Finn’s voice lowered an octave and my breath hitched in my throat. “We’re never gonna stop protecting you and defending you because we care about you. It’s my right to throw a punch if someone disrespects you just as much as it is your brother’s. I’ll never apologize for it and I’ll never stop protecting you because I...I love you, Em.”
Everything stopped. All I could think was: How? Why?
Finn’s hands moved from the countertop to my shoulders and I winced at the contact.
“Look, this isn’t the way I wanted to tell you, but it doesn’t make it any less true. And...honestly? I fell in love with you the moment I saw you. It just took me a little while to figure out what it was. I’d told myself I was done with everything—relationships, commitment, all of it—and then I met you and I forgot why I’d made that promise to myself in the first place. I just wanna be with you, Em, in any way you’ll let me...but you gotta let me in.”
I swallowed hard as his words swum around in my head. He was saying everything I should want to hear, everything that should have me screaming those three words back to him, and then leaping into his arms so he could carry me to bed.
I pushed him away instead.
Alarm bells sounded in my head. Red flags waved across my eyes. My throat closed. My eyes watered. My hands pressed against Finn’s chest to shove past him and put more distance between us. Finn, however, had no interest in taking this lying down and stalked after me, spinning me around to face him.
“Emma,” he pleaded desperately. “Don’t do this. Don’t run away from me. Don’t push me away. Come on, just talk to me.”
Even if I knew what to say, the words wouldn’t come anyway. Even if I knew what to say, there was no point in talking anyway. It would just make all this so much worse.
“I know what’s holding you back,” Finn pressed on even though I’d backed away. “And I get it, Em. I really do. I’ll do whatever I need to do to help you get over this and then we can—”
That was where I had to draw the line. The words get over this had me bristling up like a porcupine and I knew he was trying to help. I knew that. But that didn’t mean I wanted or needed to hear it.
“Stop it, Finn.”
He reared back, gaping at me as if my words had slapped him right in the face, and then, in a flash, a hard mask slipped over his features, clearly gearing up for the fight to come.
“No, Em,” he stared me down. “I think you need to stop it. You’re the one that’s had to live with this and it’s time for you to stop. You can’t keep doing this to yourself...punishing yourself this way. You don’t deserve it and I don’t know what it’s gonna take for you to understand that.”
Hot tears stung my eyes, but I ignored them.
“You have no idea what I’ve had to live with,” I whispered.
Finn swallowed hard and his head tilted a little to the side as his eyes filled with sympathy and pain for me...more emotions I just couldn’t deal with. More emotions I just didn’t understand.
“Then tell me.”
I didn’t know what he expected me to say, so I just said nothing.
His hands tugged
through his hair in frustration and then he scrubbed both hands over his face. “Or, you know what? If you won’t talk to me, then maybe you should start seeing a therapist or something. I mean...I fucking love you, Emma, but I don’t know how to help you if you won’t even talk to me.”
It tumbled out of me before I could think twice: “I don’t think we should do this anymore.”
I’d felt myself pulling away from him the second I opened the door for him tonight and now, I ejected myself completely. I just needed this to be over. I just needed to go back to what I knew. I’d been fine that way. Being with Finn had just caused more problems and more headaches and I didn’t need that in my life right now.
Finn frowned back at me. “What do you mean you don’t think we should do this anymore?”
I lifted a shoulder and took another step away from him. “You heard me. I just...I can’t do this with you. I’ll never be what you want me to be. I’ll never be able to do the things you want me to do and I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with me for as long as you have. It’s just better this way...better if we just end it now before…”
His face twisted angrily and red spots splotched his cheeks. “Before what? Before we get too attached? It’s too late for that shit. I told you I love you tonight and somehow that means we should break up? That’s bullshit, Emma, and you know it.”
“I’m not gonna sit here and argue with you about this all night. This,” I gestured between the two of us, “is over and it never should’ve started in the first place.”
“Don’t say that, Em. Don’t stand there and tell me I haven’t made you happy because you’ve sure as shit made me happier than I’ve ever been in my life.”
Even now, I still couldn’t lie.
“Yeah,” I whispered in spite of myself. “You’ve made me happy. And I think you should be with someone who can give that back to you and I mean really give that back to you. I’m not that girl, Finn.”
His face hardened and he tugged his hands through his hair again before shifting those shards of blue ice back to me. “I think you are. I just told you—”
“I know what you just told me and I don’t know what to tell you other than that this is over. I think you should leave now.”
“Just like that?” Finn spread his hands out wide in front of me to illustrate the massive distance I’d just lodged between us.
“Just like that,” I nodded. “Please go. Don’t make this harder than it has to be, Finn. Please...just go.”
His eyes rounded, but just as quickly, that light I loved so much went out. Finn’s eyes grew hard, his body went rigid, tense with the weight of the splintering fracture between us. He ran a hand over his face one last time before walking towards my front door.
When his hand closed around the doorknob, Finn turned back to me, his eyes flaring with determination. “This isn’t over, Emma. I’ll give you what you want right now, but I’m coming back.”
With that, he stepped out of my apartment and shut the door behind him.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Finn did come back. And he came back again. And again. And again. And again.
I just never let him back in.
It started the morning after I’d all but kicked him out of my apartment. I woke up to knocking at my door, a flurry of text messages begging me to open the door and when I didn’t respond, finally to at least text him back. I didn’t. He waited a few more hours that Sunday morning and then it started again, the knocking, the texts, the calls, and then the cycle just continued on that way until I finally relented at the end of the day and responded with a simple and succinct message: Please just stop.
To his credit, Finn still had a key from when he’d kept an eye on Oliver for me all those weeks ago, but he never used it. He wanted me to choose to let him in, not to force his way back, and in a brief moment of weakness, I almost opened the door that Sunday night.
I’d stood in front of my door, listening to Finn on the other side, hearing him tell me how much he loved me, how much he wanted to make it work, how he knew I felt the same way, but was just too scared to admit it, and he wasn’t wrong about any of it either. My hands had tingled at my sides and I’d sucked in a harsh breath when I heard him whisper through the door: Please, Em. I love you. I know you love me, too. Just let me back in.
My fingers reached for the doorknob, but then I heard yet another voice in the hallway.
“What are you doing out here, making all this racket?” Mrs. Johannsen yelled at Finn.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Johannsen. It’s just that—”
“You don’t need to tell me. I’ve already heard everything and I’d like to get some sleep tonight. I think it’s pretty clear she’s not opening the door for you right now. Why don’t you just call her or text her like a normal person?”
“I’ve tried that already, Mrs. Johannsen, and I’m really sorry I’m disturbing you. That’s not what I’m trying to do. I’m just trying to—”
“Win her back. Yes, I understand. I just don’t care. What I care about is getting to sleep tonight.”
My hand squeezed the doorknob, but I just couldn’t force myself to turn it. I wanted to set Mrs. Johannsen straight, to tell her I was the one who’d messed up, not Finn...but my body just wouldn’t follow-through.
Finn sighed loudly and the echo bounced off the hallway walls around him. If I looked through the peephole in my door, I knew I’d find him tugging his hands through his hair, but doing that would just be self-inflicted torture.
“Alright,” he told our neighbor. “I’m sorry. I really am. I’ll go back into my apartment now.”
“Good,” I heard Mrs. Johannsen yell back as she went back inside her own apartment, slamming the door on her way.
“Em,” Finn told my door softly. “I gotta go back inside now before Mrs. Johannsen comes at me with a steak knife or something, but this doesn’t mean I’m giving up. I know you have to work at the café tomorrow, but I’d really like to talk to you when you get home. Please call me or text me back. I love you.”
Every time he said those three words it was just another knife twisting my heart. One of these days that knife was going to twist too hard and I’d be left with my heart in my hands...on second thought, I had a feeling that had already happened. I just hadn’t realized it yet.
The next day, I found him leaning against my door, waiting patiently for me to come home from my shift at the café. I had no idea how long he’d been standing there, but he was still wearing work pants and a button-down, so he’d clearly stood here since he got home from the brewery. When he heard the heavy door to our shared entryway open, Finn straightened, standing at attention now, and met me halfway in the hallway.
It wasn’t lost on me that he’d effectively blocked my path so that my only way into my apartment now was through him.
“Em,” Finn’s soft voice called out to me and even as he reached for me, desperate to touch me, I still backed away. “It’s good to see you.”
I sighed wearily and despite my better judgment, my eyes flicked up to meet his gaze. His light eyes watered at the sight of me, his face twisted in pain, and it seemed like every muscle in his body tensed because I’d shied away from his touch. Tears burned my eyes, but I just shook my head. The last thing I needed to do now was let him see me cry. That would only fuel his determination to prove to me that our separation was temporary—it was anything but.
“Will you please talk to me?” Finn implored. His eyes crinkled up at the sides, but this time, it wasn’t from laughter or happiness or that playfulness I loved about him so much. When he reached for me again, pure weakness held me in place, and his fingertips skimmed my forearm, sending a trail of goosebumps in his wake.
His fingers slid around my arm to tug me closer and I felt my resolve waning for just a moment. I squeezed my eyes shut as his thumb brushed my cheek. Never one to miss an opportunity, he pounced and wrapped both strong arms around me, holding me as tight as he could without suffocat
ing me, his hands tangled around my nape, and his lips found my temples, pressing sweet, gentle kisses into my skin.
I did my best to push him even further away. “What happened with the Bluestone Lounge? You met with them today, didn’t you?”
He pushed out a rough breath and scrubbed a hand over his eyes. “They dropped us.”
My heart twisted. Of course they’d been dropped. Why would a classy lounge like that want to do business with anyone who’d start a brawl on the very same night they were supposed to be rolling-out their product? As far as business decisions went, it was a logical, if not practical one. And it was all my fault.
As if he could read my thoughts, he stepped forward and closed both hands around my face to force me to look at him. “I already told you—it’s not your fault. Just...talk to me, Em. That’s all you have to do. We can fix this, okay? These last few days have been complete shit for both of us and neither one of us has been thinking clearly. Just talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.”
I squeezed my eyes shut again and gave myself one last moment in his arms. My senses fanned out, spreading up and down to memorize this feeling, this safety I’d always found in him, the musky, earthy scent he always brought home with him from the brewhouse, and finally, I pulled free of his arms.
“I said everything I had to say last night, Finn. Nothing’s changed since then and it never will. You’re just wasting your time on me.”
He scratched his scruffy beard in thought, squinting a little as the wheels in his head turned, and suddenly, his head dipped back and shook from side to side. “It’s because I told you loved you, isn’t it? That’s what this is really about?”
I frowned back at him. “I don’t know what you’re—”
“I got too close, didn’t I?” His soft voice cut in gently. “And now you’re scared and you’re pushing me away.”
One traitorous tear trailed down my cheek, but I furiously wiped it away. I found myself backing away until my back hit my apartment door.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered and bit down on my trembling bottom lip to keep from weeping in front of him. “I wish I could—I just can’t, Finn. I’m so sorry.”
