Satan's Sword

by Debra Dunbar

  A man beside the injured woman offered to take her for stitches. They left and I instructed the bartender that everyone should receive a vodka shot. He’d just lined up a row of shots when I saw a male vampire coming toward me with a rather pinched expression on his face. Such an expression ruined the looks of what was probably a rather handsome vampire of Latino descent. Pity.

  “Baal, we do have cold vodka,” he told me, wringing his hands. “We certainly don’t expect our guests to have to chill their own beverages.”

  I waved my hands around in my best imitation of a magician and grinned at him. “No, I can do this. Really. I’ve been working on it at home. My angel has informed me that it’s important to master this skill, so I need to take every opportunity to practice.”

  I managed to chill five out of eight glasses. Two burst in a spray of icy vodka and glass, and the other cracked down the middle. I made a show of licking vodka off the bar with a long forked tongue while the humans applauded in delight. By this point, I’d attracted the entire club. The vampires glared from their spots, the placid expression finally slipping from their faces. Just to add to the fun, I chewed up one of the shot glasses and swallowed the chunks, dribbling blood out of my mouth and onto the floor.

  “Do you do shows?” a human dressed as Osama Bin Ladin asked. “I’d love to book you for our sales convention this year.”

  “Aren’t you in that Gwar band?” another asked.

  “No, idiot.” His friend, whose Batman costume left a lot to be desired, punched him. “She’s in Hollywood special effects.”

  “Let’s dance,” I told Wyatt and led him onto the dance floor.

  This brought Wyatt out into the open from the huddled crowd of humans and to the attention of the line of vampires. I felt angry energy like a whip coming off them. There wasn’t a placid face in the crowd. It was nice to know they could be jolted into revealing emotion.

  Wyatt and I danced as the humans slowly migrated to the dance floor and to us again. I was having fun stroking him all over with my tail. I couldn’t wait until tonight. There were all kinds of things I wanted to do with this tail. I hoped Wyatt was up for some kinky experimentation.

  “Sam, if you don’t calm down with that tail, we’re going to need to find a room,” he laughed. “Either that or I’m going to be spending the evening with a big wet spot on my elf pants.”

  I reluctantly pulled the tail away, and extended its length a few feet so I could molest nearby dancers. Flexing a wing, I knocked over a gargoyle ice sculpture and broke the head off.

  “Oops.” I bent over to pick up the ice and smacked my horns on the table, sending a tray of carrot sticks flying and spilling a bottle of sparkling water across the damask tablecloth. I also knocked one of the guests flat onto the floor with my outstretched wing. This party was clearly not set up to accommodate demons.

  “No, no, Baal, let me,” said the Latino vampire who’d offered the chilled vodka earlier. He’d been following me around, watching me with a flutter of anxiety on his pinched face. “Maybe you and your companion would like a private area for a while?”

  “Oooo, you have one of those chocolate fountains,” I said as I stood up. Unfortunately my horns were hooked on the tablecloth and food trays slid off the table. “Sorry about that. Damned horns,” I told him as I ripped myself free from the cloth and proceeded to the fountain, dangling a torn section of tablecloth from one of my horns.

  I stepped over the guy sprawled on the floor, who was nursing bloody nose, and eyed the chocolate fountain. I’d always wanted to buy one of these. It would make a great Christmas gift for Candy, who was a raging chocoholic. There was an assortment of goodies to dip in the pouring dark stream. Pineapple, apples, pound cake, strawberries, cheeses, and pretzel rods. No orange slices though. Nothing is better than chocolate and orange. Nothing.

  I skewered some fruit and cheese onto a pretzel stick and coated it with chocolate. Not bad. My finger coated with chocolate was just as good. Not that I ate the finger, although that did seem like something I’d want to try in the future.

  “Come here Wyatt,” I called. “I’ll bet this chocolate is just as good on your fingers, too. Mmmm, I am getting an inspiration here. This could possibly be one of the best sex toys ever. I wonder if I can convince the vampires to give it to us?”

  “It would never fit in your Corvette.” Wyatt looked at the huge basin of chocolate. “Even if it disassembled, it would be too big. Plus, you’d get chocolate all over your car seats. You know how you get about stuff on your car seats. I think we’re better off hitting up Bed Bath and Beyond in the morning.”

  The Latino vampire had escorted the bloody nosed man to the door and made it back to my side in an inhuman burst of speed. I’d given up on fingers and stuck my long, forked tongue into the chocolate. Unfortunately the tongue wasn’t shaped for optimal conveyance of chocolate, so I put my mouth into the stream and slurped it like a water fountain.

  “This fucking rocks,” I told the vampire, noticing that several of the other humans were heading to the door.

  “I can put it in a private room for you to enjoy,” the vampire suggested in a tone of desperation.

  “I wish I could take it home,” I told him.

  “I will personally drive it to your house right now.” He sounded on the verge of panic.

  “Juan, why don’t you see to our other guests,” a smooth, soft, male voice said. I could actually feel the energy, the power, from this guy. It was soft and soothing, like a warm, fuzzy electric blanket that comforts you right before it shocks you in the leg. It was about time the boss man got here.

  So this is what the real vampires look like I thought, eyeing the guy over and thinking this must be one of the old ones that Candy was talking about. Funny, because he didn’t look old. Maybe early thirties in human years tops. He was an attractive guy with dark hair, gelled and tousled, and grey eyes. His mouth turned up at the edges slightly, as if the humor of the world were too much for him to keep bottled up inside. His eyes belied the faint smile though. They were hard, calculating, ruthless, and right now they looked pissed in his bland, mild, expressionless face. I got the feeling that he was pissed at others besides me.

  “Whoa, where did you come from sweet cheeks?” I put a chocolate smeared hand on the sleeve of his dove grey, cashmere jacket. I’ll give the guy credit, he didn’t flinch, didn’t grimace, didn’t even look down at the ruined, expensive fabric.

  “Baal, my name is Kyle Fournier and my staff and I respectfully welcome you here to Bang. We’re honored by your presence here with your companion.” He choked a bit on the companion part as he saw Wyatt and his costume. “Your companion. I’d like to speak to you privately to convey a special privilege to you and to present you with a token of our esteem.”

  Well, Kyle did know his stuff. Demons love gifts, and anything described as a “special privilege” was something I wanted to know about. I wondered if this was like those timeshare meetings I always got suckered into where I’d need to invest in his high rise in order to get the fruit basket and commemorative charm bracelet. I hoped not. That would be terribly disappointing.

  “Wyatt, why don’t you dance with that nice woman over there?” I indicated one of the vampire women lined up against the wall. She looked at me in alarm. “Those poor women have been ignored all night. She looks like she could use a little male attention.”

  Wyatt headed toward the woman who looked beseechingly at Kyle. He nodded at her, and she took Wyatt’s proffered arm as if it were contaminated, and walked with him to the dance floor. I really wanted to stay and watch them dance, but I had a gift in the offering, so I motioned to Kyle and followed him into an office behind the bar.

  The room was a typical manager’s office. There was an old desk and swivel chair, two chairs that looked like they had previously gone with a restaurant table, and several filing cabinets. The desk had stacks of papers on it, and the huge Towson Custom Motorcycles calendar behind the chair had scr
ibbled notes on each of the days. A few cases of beer sat along the wall beside the door. I plopped down on one of them and yanked the scrap of table cloth off my horns, wiping the chocolate off my face as best as I could. I had a feeling this would become a serious conversation, and I had a hard enough time being taken seriously without a white flag flapping from my head.

  “I want to assure you that your human will be treated with care,” Kyle said with sincerity. “We respect your ownership mark on him.”

  “Oh, I’m not worried about Wyatt.” I laughed. “He shot an angel in the head this past summer. Big fucking caliber, too. I’m sure he can handle a bitey vampire if he needs to.”

  “Well, he won’t need to.” Kyle obviously didn’t believe me about Wyatt shooting an angel or his ability to take care of himself. “I want to offer you your choice of any human in the club tonight. Any. We have a room downstairs you can enjoy them in, or you can take them with you, or I can have them delivered to your home. We’ll take care of the inquiries and the paper trail. Totally off the record. You can do whatever you like to them, make it last as long as you want and we’ll cover it up. Just pick out who you want, and you can take them right away.”

  Ahhh. Basically I could rape and dismember a human of my choice without fear of discovery as long as I got the hell out of his club right stinking now.

  “But I already have a human. And I’m very satisfied with his services. Can I have a vampire instead? Wyatt seems to like that nice young lady he’s dancing with.” I watched a muscle twitch in his jaw. This was fun.

  “We would never insult you by offering you a lowly vampire. The humans here are all handpicked; they are all well known individuals. Perhaps two would be more to your liking?”

  I got off the stack of beer cases and walked over to the vampire. “What about you, Kyle Fournier?” I ran a chocolate covered finger down the front of his jacket. “Are you on the offer list? I could spend some time with you and be quite happy.” In reality, I suspected he’d probably kick my ass.

  The vampire looked down at me and I saw something flicker deep in those grey eyes. Behind the ruthlessness there was a flash of humor and a grudging acknowledgement. He clearly realized he was being backed into a corner.

  “Okay, let’s cut to the chase here.” He dropped the bland expression and looked at me like a fellow predator should. “What do you really want? Because I doubt frolicking with a vampire is that high on your to-do list.”

  It was about fucking time. If these vampires lost all the polite, smoothing, bullshit and got down to business, they’d get a lot more done.

  “You certainly understand how frustrating it is for me to run all over the metro area following a trail of bread crumbs to nothing?” I sat back down on the beer cases and Kyle relaxed a bit, half sitting on the desk with one foot dangling. “I’ve got bosses riding my ass, threatening to impale me on a stake if I don’t make progress. I’m under immense pressure to deliver this artifact thingy, and I’m not feeling the cooperation here. Just hand the damned thing over, and I’ll go away.”

  Kyle looked mildly sympathetic. “I can appreciate the difficulty of your position, but you should also understand that we get a ridiculous number of your kind trying to lay claim to this object. We suffer from an equal frustration, being run around at every demon’s beck and call only to find out they are not able to possess it. Obviously, we’d regard anyone wanting to claim the object with suspicion at this point.”

  He gave me a look that clearly said he had grave doubts I’d be able to possess the object. That he strongly believed I was another one wasting their time.

  “Look, I don’t want the fucking thing, some asshole back home does. At this point, I want to just deliver it to him, or tell him you guys sold it to the Russians, or something.”

  Kyle sighed. “The artifact has to be collected in person. If this “asshole back home” wants it, he needs to come get it himself. It won’t go to a courier. Can you just inform him of this fact? We’ve had this same conversation with thousands of other demons. Don’t you guys communicate?”

  “We’re not big on information sharing,” I admitted. “I’ve kind of pissed the guy off at this point, too. I doubt he’d believe me.”

  “No! You? How could that possibly be?” Kyle said, his voice thick with sarcasm. I rather liked vampires when they took off that dull boring mask and let their emotions out. I wondered if they were all like this guy underneath that horribly bland façade.

  “I’m supposed to go up to Atlantic City next weekend, and I have a very unpleasant suspicion that I’ll meet with another flunky who will give me a bag of ketchup packets and tell me I need to go to Pittsburg for another meeting. My crystal ball predicts I won’t be happy. In fact, in order to overcome my severe depression from the incident, I’ll be forced to spend a lot of time in this club. I’ll also need to spend a lot of time in all your various clubs, casinos, manufacturing plants, distribution centers. As a form of therapy, you realize. It may take me centuries to get over this funk.”

  “You’ll be dispatched into the afterlife by the end of the evening with all the energy you’re throwing around,” Kyle sneered, thinking to call me on a bluff. “You should be thinking more about how you’re going to avoid the angel descending on your head and less about blackmailing me and my family.”

  I showed him the reddish purple sword on the inside of my arm. It had always garnered such a dramatic reaction from everyone else that I was disappointed to see him look at it blankly.

  “Nice tattoo. And that means?” he asked.

  “I’m bound. Your angel? His boss put it there. He’s very smitten with me and is greatly amused by my antics,” I lied. Hopefully vampires had horrible lie-radar. “He’d not mind in the least my devoted attention to your establishments.”

  “Yes, yes. The angels all adore you. I’m sure you’re very special,” he said, again with the sarcasm. “I think I’ll take my chances.”

  “No seriously.” I’d never had this problem before. Damn. “Ask your angel about me. Ask him about the cockroach.”

  “Yeah, I’ll definitely do that.” He smirked. “Back to the issue at hand here, we can’t just turn this thing over to you. We could duct tape it to your backside, and it’s not going with you if you’re not the right demon. There is no sense in continuing to waste everyone’s time with these games. Just tell the “asshole back home” to set up his own meeting and we’ll talk.”

  “All I want is to go to Atlantic City next weekend and actually meet with your head honcho. I can sense your power levels, so don’t try to dress someone up and pass them off as the big guy because it won’t work. I have a very nice gift, something I know he’ll appreciate, so the meeting won’t be a total drag for him. We’ll sit, have a pleasant conversation, then part ways. I’ll tell the “asshole back home” that I tried, that it was a bust, and everyone will on go about their business.”

  Kyle frowned and ran a finger over the chipped desk. “I can’t speak for The Master. I can convey your request to him, but I don’t have the authority to commit him to this meeting.”

  How hard was it to get an audience with this guy? It would be easier to get in to see the Pope for fuck’s sake. I threw up my hands.

  “Throw me a bone here, buddy! I can’t just walk away from this thing. Let’s find a mutually acceptable compromise.”

  The vampire continued to frown and examine the desk. I could sense him thinking, rather than stalling. Threats hadn’t worked, maybe a bribe? Maybe vampires were more motivated by the carrot than the stick?

  “I could perhaps offer you a future service? I’m very good at blowing stuff up. Possibly demolition work or assassination? I’m sure you have enemies somewhere to be harried and intimidated. Nothing intimidates quite like a demon.”

  “We’re pretty good at handling that sort of thing ourselves.”

  “Ok, your turn. Suggest something. Before I get bored. You wouldn’t like me when I’m bored.”

  H
e shifted on the desk and examined a piece of paper. “There may be a rotation of staff in the near future. Some personnel changes could occur. I would hate for these to disturb you.”

  I stared at him. What the fuck was he talking about? He met my stare knowingly, as if I was supposed to understand this cryptic statement. I shook my head in bewilderment.

  “Personnel changes,” he prompted. “A terrible shame if these disturbed you, caused you upset, and led you to feel the need to express your views.”

  “Am I supposed to be disturbed or not?” I asked in total confusion. “And what am I supposed to do or not do if I’m disturbed or not disturbed? And exactly what is disturbing me? Are you hiring a new barkeep and firing the old one?”

  Kyle gritted his teeth in frustration. He wasn’t the only one frustrated here. Could the guy just fucking talk plain and simple English?

  “Changes more involved than a new barkeep. We would deeply regret if these bothered you in any way and caused you to be displeased, to go on a rampage in your displeasure.”

  “So you want me to ignore the fact that you shuffle your staff around and not lose any sleep over it?” Sounded good to me. It’s not like I’d even be aware of any of their staff changes. Crap, I hadn’t even known they existed here, with their little empire, up until this month. No big deal to continue ignoring their existence and going on about my life.

  Kyle pounded a fist on the desk. He actually cracked the oak with the first blow. I had no idea vampires were that strong. Impressive.

  “There is likely to be a coup soon in the area,” the vampire said through clenched teeth. “I would like your oath that you will support me, back me personally, and make it difficult for those who oppose me. In return I will guarantee you an audience with The Master.”

  Well, I guess he could speak for this master guy, or at least influence him enough to guarantee his compliance. Not a bad guy to know, this Kyle. He seriously needed to learn from the elves’ mistakes and communicate in a clear and straightforward manner with us though. Otherwise he was going to end up with a sorcerer in a bag when he wanted a walking, talking one.