Past Heaven

by Laura Ward

  The knocking intensified. Someone obviously couldn’t take a hint. I dragged my body out of bed and inspected my black yoga pants and Jack’s worn Orioles T-shirt. Bras were optional when one was mourning. I’d read that somewhere, or I made it up. Regardless, it worked for me. Whoever was at the door was going to get an eyeful, and frankly, I didn’t give a shit.

  I padded down the stairs, murmuring to myself about being left the hell alone.

  Peering out the side window, I jumped to hide behind the front door. It was Reynolds.

  “Elizabeth, open up.”

  My heart stopped at the sound of his voice calling my name, but I didn’t want to see him right now. “Go away, Reynolds. Today is not a good day.”

  He was silent for a minute. “Please, Liz.”

  I placed my hand over the door knob and paused. As much as he let me down not remembering yesterday, he hadn’t done anything wrong. I expected something from him that I never communicated. The one thing we had both agreed on was that we were friends. I couldn't punish him for my own ridiculous expectations. I would suck it up and open the door for my friend.

  I’d seen him every day for weeks, but the moment I opened the door, I took an immediate step back as emotion barreled through me. Our eyes met, and for a moment, Reynolds’ expression of anguish mirrored mine. He pulled me into his arms, and my knees buckled as the tears I’d held back unleashed in torrents. It was an ugly cry. One formed from disappointment, resentment, and fury. I was devastated at the complete unfairness of this situation. My Jack, my love and best friend, was gone. Then, Reynolds came into my life. I cared about him, but I couldn’t have him.

  Reynolds held me as close as was humanly possible. “Please. Let me hold you.” His breath caressed the side of my face, and his words were like a healing salve my body craved. “Please, please let me hold you.”

  My arms reached around his waist in the only way I could accept. His grip on me tightened, and he picked me up in one quick move, cradling me like a baby. With my head resting on his shoulder, he kissed my tear-soaked face and walked us up the stairs. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I felt completely safe and protected.

  He laid me in bed, and his eyes traveled along my body. Then he kicked off his shoes and climbed in behind me. He held me as my cries turned into whimpers and finally to sleep. In his arms, I found rest and something more, something unexpected, something I missed. Something I needed.

  When I awoke, Reynolds was staring down at me and stroking my cheek with his fingertips. I had no idea how long I had been asleep. I looked into his eyes, and his expression was reverent. In that moment, he made me feel cherished. He was taking care of me and it felt so right.

  “Hey,” he whispered as he leaned down to kiss my forehead. “I’m glad you slept. I hope it’s okay, but I dozed off for a while, too. The red-eye’s tough.”

  In my grief, I’d let my guard down. Now I lay with this man in my bed, in Jack’s bed. No, I wasn’t going to do this. I couldn’t. “Why are you here?” I moved out of his grasp and sat up in bed. I hugged my knees and watched his every move.

  Reynolds sat up and scooted close to me, drawing lazy circles along my leg, unable to look at me. “I fucked up yesterday. I knew the one year anniversary was coming, but I got caught up in some stupid business shit.” He lifted his eyes to mine. “When I saw the pain on your face yesterday, I knew. I needed to come here and tell you how sorry I am. I needed to see you, really see you.”

  I looked out the window and watched the gold and brown leaves fall off our trees. I used to love fall. It was my favorite season. Now the falling leaves reminded me of nothing but the finality of life. “You could have told me that on the phone. You didn’t need to fly here you know.”

  Reynolds sat up and moved in front of me. “Look at me. Yes, I did need to be here. I need to say this to you.” I turned my face to him and our eyes locked in a magnetic pull. I couldn’t have looked away if I tried.

  He skimmed his fingertips along my jaw, his voice low and husky. “I’m falling in love with you.”

  Tears brimmed in the corners of my eyes, and my heart clamored in my chest. He loved me?

  “I also know you’re not ready. I get it.”

  I closed my eyes for a moment. I wanted to stop him. To deny it. To say, the hell with it, let’s give it a go. But I couldn’t. He was right. I wasn’t able to accept his love right now.

  “I can’t go back to L.A. I need to be here with you.” He intertwined our fingers. “Let me be your friend. Let me just be near you, touch you, hold your hand. I won’t try and kiss you again.” He stared into my eyes, not breaking contact, and my body quaked. So much of me wanted him to kiss me again, even if I knew it wasn’t the right time. “Not until you’re ready, if you ever are. But I’m not leaving again.”

  I looked up at him carefully. A tic pulsed in his jaw, and his eyes blazed with intensity. He would not back down. Hell, I didn’t want him to leave. I loved being near him. The ache in my heart was less whenever he was near.

  My mouth opened, but the words wouldn’t come out. My breath stuttered as I swallowed and mustered the courage to tell him how I felt. “I don’t want you to go. I missed you, too.” I wiped away the tears that had escaped, and Reynolds’ postured sagged with relief. “But I can’t offer you more than friendship. I wish I could, but I can’t. My heart can’t take it. If you can be my friend, and just my friend, then I’d like for you to stay.” My voice was choked with emotion, and I grabbed his hands and placed them on my heart. “The darkness starts to fade when you’re here. The hurt in my chest has been so strong, it made noise. It was like I couldn’t hear through the roar of the pain. Just sitting here with you, like this…the ache is less, and it’s quiet.”

  “God, Liz.” He swallowed as if holding back emotion. “I’m so damn sorry I wasn’t here with you yesterday. I should’ve been here.” Reynolds wrapped me in a hug.

  I nodded and let myself be held. Reynolds was tall and strong, and I was like a child in his arms. For a week, I had been so consumed with worry for the boys that this was the first time I had let someone take care of me.

  “Don’t let go, okay? Just for a while, don’t let go,” I mumbled into Reynolds’ chest, and his body shuddered.

  “I never want to let go.” He whispered into my hair.

  I closed my eyes, letting the warmth of Reynolds’ love begin to heal me.

  GROCERY SHOPPING THE day before Thanksgiving? I’d never experienced it before, but I offered to drive Liz and help with her list.

  Glancing over at her in the car, I smiled. I was back in Baltimore. I was home.

  I eyed her hand, resting on her thigh. Her palm turned over in permission. I slipped my hand into hers and a light blush touched her cheek. Telling Liz I was in love with her was liberating. Even though she wasn’t at the same place, knowing she knew how I felt was enough. I wouldn’t push her, but hell if I wouldn’t touch. We were friends. That’s what she called us. I preferred to think of us more like friends with friendly benefits. I squeezed her hand and gave her a sideways glance. Liz looked out the window, but I couldn’t help but notice her biting her lip. Yup, she was fighting the same smile I had on my face.

  “I promise to be good tomorrow.” I held up our entwined hands. “I’m sure you don’t want Nancy and Ed to see us holding hands.” I winked, and Liz laughed.

  “I’m more worried about the boys than either set of parents, but regardless, it’s better to have a no contact rule tomorrow.” Liz rested her head back against the seat and closed her eyes. I rubbed my thumb along the back of her hand. She was so worried about what the boys would think of our relationship. I hated seeing her stressed, even though I understood why.

  “I’ll behave. But what’s my reward?”

  She opened her eyes, head still resting back, and I raised my eyebrows and gave her an evil grin.

  “Hmm. Maybe I’ll give you a foot massage after all the guests leave tomorrow. I give the
best foot massage on earth…and I know your feet will be sore after helping me in the kitchen all day and washing those dishes.” She elbowed me in the ribs and winked.

  “Um, hello, it’s Thanksgiving Day. Don’t all the men watch football while the women cook and clean?” I nudged her back as she shook her head, pieces of her hair falling down the side of her cheek. Damn she looked gorgeous.

  We entered the grocery store still laughing over gender roles and holiday traditions.

  “OH MY GOD! IT’S REYNOLDS CARTER!” The already packed store focused its attention on the young twenty-something woman who was pointing at me and jumping up and down.

  Shit. I’d left my sunglasses and baseball cap in the car. Liz rolled her eyes, grabbed a cart, and waved goodbye as I was left to deal with a line of fans waiting for autographs.

  I caught up with her as she was chatting with some employees in the produce section. Two grocery clerks stood in the aisle, one with his arm around Liz’s shoulder, all apparently laughing at my embarrassment. The two men saw me approach and looked at me with wide eyes. “Thanks for abandoning me, buddy.” I teased as Liz turned to her list and continued shopping.

  “Oh I’m sure you handled those pretty girls just fine!”

  The grocery clerks looked me up and down as they walked away laughing. We headed to checkout as Liz called goodbye to them by name.

  “Do you know everyone here?” I asked her, noticing the clerks’ appreciative glances at her tight ass as she moved past.

  “I like to be friendly with everyone I encounter on my errands. Why? Don’t you?”

  We joined the long line of people waiting to check out, and I surveyed the many eyes watching our every move.

  I lowered my voice as I sidled up to her. “No, I’m so used to hiding and trying to blend in that I avoid people. I feel successful when I can go out and my face isn’t on the cover of US Weekly the next day. It’s refreshing to be around someone who isn’t paranoid all the time.” I picked up a tabloid from the rack in the checkout lane, blowing out a breath of relief that it didn’t contain my name or picture.

  Liz looked up and took in the crowd watching what she grabbed out of the cart. Her body tensed, and I instinctively shouldered my way to block her from the onlookers. I jumped ahead and paid for the groceries. This was my life, not hers.

  “Thank you, but you didn’t need to do that,” she said.

  “I'm just trying to buy my way out of the kitchen,” I joked.

  We left the store and hurried to the car. After loading the groceries, we headed home before anyone could follow us.

  “I guess I may get more paranoid if I hang out with you, huh? That was crazy.” Her voice was strained, and she laughed tightly.

  “There are plenty of grocery delivery services, Liz. It’ll be fine. Trust me.” I reached for her hand.

  Liz nodded, but the concern on her face seemed to grow as it sunk in that this kind of scrutiny could be permanent if she allowed our relationship to grow.

  Fame was a part of my life. I wanted to protect her from the negative side of recognition. If this movie became as big as I thought it would, she would be living with it as well. The question was, could she handle everything that came with being around a celebrity?

  THE SMELL OF turkey roasting and my freshly baked pumpkin pie enveloped the kitchen. Nancy and Ed set the dining room table with my china and crystal. Cheers erupted from David and the boys as they watched the football game. For the first time in a year, genuine laughter rang out in my home. Thanksgiving was tough, but Reynolds made the holiday better. He reminded me of the light at the end of the tunnel.

  “You really are on your best behavior today,” I whispered in his ear as he slipped on oven mittens to check the turkey.

  Grinning, he paused at the oven. “I’ve kept my hands to myself, watched football with the guys, filled the ladies’ wine glasses, and I haven’t given Cindy any ammunition,” he whispered back. I pressed my hand to my mouth to muffle my laughter.

  Opening the oven, he pulled out the beautiful bird. Reynolds was in charge of basting the turkey, and he had taken his job very seriously. This had been his first big family Thanksgiving, and he had seemed to really enjoy it so far.

  As soon as my dining room table was covered in holiday food, we sat down to eat.

  “I want to thank you all for being here today.” I raised my glass to my family and friends. This is the second Thanksgiving that we’re missing our Jack, your Daddy,” I said, looking at my boys. “But looking around this table, I have to say I feel grateful. Griffin, Grayson, Hayden, and I have been cared for and surrounded with love by each and every one of you. Happy Thanksgiving.”

  We toasted glasses and passed the food. I met Reynolds’ eye, and he wasn’t smiling. He gazed at me with adoration. My heartbeat quickened, and my throat grew thick. I looked away before tears formed in my eyes. If anyone had seen at him at that moment, no one would fall for the guise of friendship. He loved me.

  Passing the rolls, I caught Cindy watching me. She raised her glass and winked. Shit. What trouble was she about to start?

  “What’s going on with you two?” Cindy whispered as we packaged leftovers into containers. Her eyes communicated that she was serious about this inquiry and wasn’t about to entertain any bullshit.

  “Nothing.” I pulled out the plastic wrap and whipped it around the container with expert precision. “We’re friends. I care about him, and I think he feels the same.”

  “Liz, I love you like a sister, but you can’t lie for shit. That man was looking at you with lust. I mean, let’s get naked and see how many orgasms I can give you, lust. Don’t be a fool here. You need to see how many orgasms he can give you.” We both giggled and kept stacking containers of food. “Oh and heads up, the gossipy soccer moms were at the grocery store yesterday, too. It’s all around town that Reynolds Carter bought your Thanksgiving groceries and was most likely eating with you. Not eating YOU, mind you, but that is soon to come, I’m sure.” Cindy elbowed me, and I gasped.

  “Jesus. Behave.” My face flushed at the thought of the gossipers spreading rumors around town. “Shit. This’ll stress him out. He’s been carefree here, away from that crazy world of cameras and people watching his every move. I shouldn’t have let him come shopping.”

  “You can’t lock him up, girl. He’s too pretty for captivity. This was bound to happen. You two will figure it out,” Cindy said with a grin.

  Leaving the dining room with a stack of dirty dishes, I shot a quick smile to Reynolds in the family room. He caught my eye and smiled back. Cindy and her clan had left after the final piece of pumpkin pie was devoured, and the guys were settling in to watch the last football game of the night.

  I placed the dishes next to the sink where my mom was washing, and she looked at me over her shoulder. “Sweetie. I know it’s been a terrible year, and I know that your insides are still torn apart, but you do know that man is crazy about you, right?”

  “What are you talking about?” I placed a hand on my hip, having a hard time believing that at my age I was having this conversation with my mother. “Reynolds and I are just friends.” We matched each other’s stares. By the look of determination in her eye, I could see I wasn’t going to win this one. “Mom, he’s just a friend.” My voice dipped a little in tone and maybe my enthusiasm did as well. Reynolds was all things Hollywood, and I was…well, I was all things suburbia. I pulled my shoulders back, not wanting her to see my insecurities. She’d only dismiss them.

  I glanced over at her. She flung the dishrag over her shoulder and tilted her head to the side. “I’m not buying that.”

  “The timing’s not right.” I shook my head, pushing back the rush of emotions that welled up inside of me. “It’s all too fresh, too soon. Besides, have you looked at him? He's a Hollywood heartthrob.” I looked down at my midsection—the one that had a road map of stretch marks, my battle scars of motherhood—and then glanced up at her. “I'm a middle-aged soccer
mom with the minivan to prove it.” I tried to shrug off her idea that Reynolds could be interested in me.

  “Elizabeth Marie.” She said my full name and grabbed my forearm. Oh my, she was going to get serious. “You’re a beauty. You have an inner strength and love that shines right through you. He’d be a fool to not see that, and I know he does. God love him—that man can’t keep his eyes off you. Yes, I know you’re still grieving, and I know your mind tells you it’s too soon. But men like Reynolds and Jack are rare. You lost one great love, but don’t let another good man, who obviously loves you, get away. And besides, he has a great ass!”

  I threw back my head in laughter.

  “Lord knows that’s the truth.” Nancy teased as she entered the kitchen. She grabbed a towel to dry a wine glass. “I’ve been watching too, sweet Liz. You know this, but it needs to be said. Ed and I love you like a daughter, and we know that Jack would want nothing more than for you to be loved. We wouldn’t feel like this about just anybody, either. But that man…look at him with Jack’s boys...he’s a kind and caring person. You deserve that. Don’t fear the change. Not when it’s a blessing, my dear.”

  I peered over into the family room. Griffin was doing a happy touchdown dance. Hayden's head rested fast asleep on Reynolds' lap, and Grayson sat, nestled under his arm. My heart skipped a beat. I brought the dish rag against my chest to somehow hold in the bursting sensation I felt. For the first time in a long time, I knew we'd all be okay.

  Everyone left once the football game was over. I tucked the boys in and tiptoed downstairs. Reynolds had started a roaring fire and was pouring each of us a glass of the champagne that he had brought.

  “What are we celebrating, my friend?” I asked as we clinked glasses and settled on the sofa. I sipped the delicious dry champagne, and the bubbles tickled my nose.

  “Our first holiday dinner as friends was a success, wouldn’t you say?” He asked with a grin while I nodded in agreement, taking another sip of champagne. “And to my foot massage.” He swung his bare feet onto my lap as I laughed. I put down my glass and rubbed his feet.