The bar isn’t quite as crowded as usual. I’m guessing because a majority of students already left for the holidays. I spot Abby, Lee, Nikki, and Remy at the pool tables and my heart kicks into overdrive. I can’t believe Abby came. She must not completely hate me. Lee spots me and sprints towards me leaping into my arms. I catch her in a bear hug.
“I’m so glad you’re home,” She says.
“Me too.”
“So, uh, Abby came,” I observe in a would be casual way.
She clearly catches my unasked question.
“I don’t know where she’s at with everything. She was like a zombie for the first few weeks. But, when I came back after Thanksgiving she had really turned a corner. She’s seeing a therapist, she’s drinking less, and she seems a lot happier than I’ve ever seen her.”
A small twinge of jealousy passes through me at the fact that it apparently did her a lot of good for me to leave. But, on the other hand, I just want her to be happy and healthy and if she can only have that without me then so be it.
I nod in understanding and make my way towards the pool table. My heart is pounding out an uneven drum beat in my chest. I wipe my sweaty palms on my pants and take a deep breath.
“Hey,” Abby says with an awkward half smile when I reach her.
“Hey,” It’s such an empty word compared to all of the things I’m dying to say and ask her.
I notice she doesn’t have a drink in front of her. It startles me to realize how often she did drink before I left. I never even noticed.
“Can we talk?” I ask after an extended silence.
She looks around helplessly like she’s searching for an excuse not to talk and then she nods reluctantly. We make our way to a quiet corner of the bar and take a seat across from each other at a high table.
“How was your drive home?” She asks in a tight voice, twirling a strand of her auburn hair around her index finger and avoiding my gaze.
“It was fine,” I shrug. “How have you been?” I ask delicately.
She tears a bar napkin into little pieces and makes a small pile in front of her on the table.
“Good, better every day.”
Her words are like a knife to the heart. I want her to tell me she missed me like crazy, couldn’t even function without me.
“I’m finally getting help. I’m seeing a therapist and working through my issues.”
“That’s so great,” I say genuinely.
“Yeah, it’s long overdue. I’m finally able to picture a future where maybe I won’t be so broken.”
“I’m proud of you,” I reach across the table and place my hand over hers. “I missed you.”
“I’m working on myself, but I’m still broken,” She responds.
I pull my hand back. Huh, so this is what getting dumped feels like. She must read the hurt on my face.
“I’m sorry Ethan, I just...need to focus on getting better right now.”
I nod in understanding.
“And, I also need to apologize for…everything,” She gnaws her lower lip. “Dr. Lestic has brought it to my attention that I can be a tad combative towards men. She says it’s my coping mechanism. I’ve been a bitch to you, plain and simple. And, you’ve been nothing but good to me. I’m really sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize. With everything that happened to you, it was understandable. And, sweetheart, that’s exactly why we’re the perfect match. I’m secure enough in my masculinity that I don’t mind my woman getting a little mouthy with me.” I wink.
Abby laughs, the tension in her shoulders finally easing.
“We’re still friends, I hope you don’t expect me not to be around. We’re way behind on new episodes of Doctor Who, you better not have been watching without me,” I warn.
“Of course not.”
I want more than anything to pull her into my arms but I resist. I need to behave and give her the time she needs, even if it kills me.
“There’s one other thing I need to tell you,” She says nervously.
My muscles tense. Oh god is she going to tell me that there’s someone else? I bite back the bitter jealousy rising in my throat and nod at her to continue.
“Sarah drugged you.”
“What?” Well, that was the last damn thing I would’ve expected her to say. “You’re joking right?”
“No,” She shakes her head solemnly. “She came to me and told me that she’d slipped you GHB at the party. She tried to kill herself by overdosing on Advil. I called an ambulance. I guess the doctors convinced her to commit herself to the psyche ward.”
“Jesus,” Is all I can manage to murmur.
Abby
“So, Abby, tell me how Ethan’s ‘welcome home’ party went?” Dr. Lestic prompts.
“It went well. It was awkward at first, but it got better after we talked. I only had one drink. However, I did smoke pot before I went to bed because I felt really emotional about Ethan.” I admit.
“That’s okay. What types of emotions were you feeling?”
“Longing, sadness, fear,” I sigh.
“Did the two of you discuss the status of your relationship?”
“I told him I need time to work on myself,” I shrug.
“I think you aren’t giving yourself enough credit for your progress.”
“I can’t put my heart out there to have it stomped,” I shake my head furiously trying to chase the pain away. I take deep, calming breaths like Dr. Lestic told me to do when I feel a panic attack coming on.
“And ,what makes you so sure that he would ‘stomp your heart’?” She puts my words in finger quotes.
“He doesn’t know about the abortion and if we were to date for real he would deserve to know. What if he hates me?”
“I think you’re underestimating his feelings for you. Abortion is not that uncommon, he may be completely fine with it. I would recommend you tell him so you can give him a chance to react to it instead of assuming you know what he’ll say or feel.”
“I’ll try,” I agree, taking deep breaths to calm the rising panic.
Chapter 33
Ethan
“Ugh, I can’t do this shit.” Abby groans and slams her physics book down. “I hate, hate, hate this,”She buries her face in her hands and takes several deep breaths.
“Whoa, Red, I’ve never heard you say you can’t do anything before. That’s a bit disconcerting.”
“Well, I seriously can’t. And I’ve been thinking lately that maybe I shouldn’t,” She confides in a resigned voice.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, maybe I don’t even want to be a doctor. My reason’s for it are all wrong and maybe it isn’t worth it if it’s not what I really want.”
“Come on,” I move her books into a neat pile on the coffee table and offer my hand to help her up.
“Where are we going?” She asks skeptically.
“You need a break, let’s go for a walk. We’ll get some ice cream,” Ice cream is the magic word because without any further protest she puts her shoes on and we head out the door.
When we get outside she starts down a side street that would take us the long way around to the ice cream parlor. It’s unseasonably warm for March in Colorado.
Abby and I have been hanging out almost every day since I got home in December, and although it’d taken herculean feats, I’ve kept things platonic.
“Come on Red, this way’s faster,” I tug her in the opposite direction.
She bites her lip in that way that makes me crazy for her. I want to run my tongue along the spot she’s chewing. I want to taste her. Before I can act on the impulse she straightens up like she’s about to walk into a lion’s den and nods in a determined way. I link my fingers through hers and we start down the street.
“So, tell me a secret,” She says after a minute. I laugh at the familiar request.
“I hate to play monopoly,” I reveal.
She gasps dramatically.
“Tha
t can’t possibly be true.”
“It is, I always felt like people get way too competitive when they play,” I admit.
“No shit, that’s the best part!” She argues spiritedly.
I love when she gets worked up about things. My heart squeezes as I think the word love. I want to tell her, the words are on the tip of my tongue. But our previous conversation hangs between us. She wants space. She wants to just be friends. I feel like there’s a hole in my chest that can only be filled by Abby.
I feel her tense beside me suddenly and I look over to see what’s bothering her. I follow her gaze across the street to the Planned Parenthood that we’re passing. Outside is a young girl, probably around sixteen or so, being harassed by a group of protesters. Abby seems to be frozen in place suddenly watching the scene across the street. Without saying anything she starts across the street with a purpose in her gait.
“Hey!” She screams out as she approaches the group. I hurry behind her unsure what to do.
“Stay out of this, we have every legal right to inform this girl that the abortion she wants is murder in the eyes of the lord.”
“You’re scaring the shit out of her, knock it off,” Abby demands calmly.
I can see her hands are shaking like she’s holding back.
“She should be afraid of the wrath of God,” A woman holding a sign with the picture of a mutilated fetus on it says.
While the protesters are focused on Abby I skirt behind them and put a friendly arm around the girl and steer her toward the clinic.
“Might as well get away before they notice,” I offer guiding her away from the protesters.
“I’m not here to get an abortion. I just want birth control,” She tells me quietly.
“That’s fine, and even if you were here for an abortion that’s nobody’s business but yours,” I assure her. “Take care,” I say as she slips inside the clinic.
As I head back towards Abby and the protesters I can tell it’s getting even more heated.
“This place is a murder factory, abortion is murder!” one of the protesters shouts at Abby and I can see her control starting to slip.
Without warning she cocks her arms back like she’s about to punch the woman in the face. I grab her around the waist and haul her back before she gets the chance to throw any punches.
“Let me go! I’m going to teach that stupid twat to keep her opinions to herself.” I try not to laugh at her use of the word ‘twat’.
“I’m sure you could take her Red, but I really don’t want to bail you out of jail.”
“They’re the ones who should be in jail for scaring that poor girl,” She squirms against me.
My dick hardens at the proximity of her wriggling body. God, this is so not the time for that.
“I couldn’t agree more, but you know that’s not going to happen.”
I finally feel her body relax against mine. I carry her until we’re far enough away from the protesters that I feel like if I set her down she won’t beat the shit out of anyone.
“Thanks for helping that girl get inside,” She says to me after a minute of silence.
“No problem, I can see why you wanted to go the long way now,” I laugh.
She gives me a tight smile. We walk the rest of the way to the ice cream shop in silence. I can tell her thoughts are elsewhere. I try not to pry but I’m dying to know what she’s thinking about.
After we’ve ordered our ice cream we grab a seat at an outside table. It’s quiet and we have the whole patio area to ourselves.
“I think it’s my turn to tell you a secret,” She says after her first few bites of her turtle sundae.
I nod but don’t say anything. She licks her lips several times and stares at her ice cream like it holds the secret of life. After what feels like an eternity she finally speaks again.
“I had an abortion.”
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that it had to have been her rapist, I mean boyfriend’s child. I can imagine her reasoning for not wanting that child.
“When I woke up in the hospital after the accident they told me that I was pregnant and that I was lucky the accident hadn’t caused a miscarriage,” She lets out a humorless laugh. “I have to disagree. I always felt like I would have been a lot luckier if I never had to make that horrible decision. The decision wasn’t horrible, I’m glad I chose what I did. But having to decide to have an abortion changes a person.”
“Because you feel sad that you had an abortion?” I ask.
“No, because I felt fucking relieved when it was over. If I couldn’t love what could’ve been my child there must be something wrong with me, right? Maybe I’m defective, maybe I’m not even capable of love.”
“You’re wrong. Abby, you are a strong woman and I think that deep down you are sad about the decision you had to make. I also think you’re very practical and smart. I’m sure the decision you made was the right decision for you and that’s why you felt relieved. That choice made it possible for you to still pursue your dreams and that’s okay,” I reach across the table and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.
Silent tears stream down her cheeks as she finally meets my gaze. The reservations I had always seen in her eyes are finally gone. She’s bore her whole soul to me, all of her important secrets.
Abby
Ethan takes my confession in stride and I feel a shift between us now that everything is out in the open. On our walk back to the apartment I feel about twenty pounds lighter and happier than I’ve felt in years. Maybe Dr. Lestic was right, maybe I can heal and let Ethan love me.
I look over at him on the couch beside me, he catches my gaze and smiles. My heart stutters out an uneven beat. Never in my life did I think that I could have a man beside me who is my best friend in the world. A man who knows all of my secrets and accepts them. Ethan knows all of my guilty pleasures and joys, and can make my toes curl with a single touch. He is more than I ever could have hoped for. But, can I give him what he deserves?
“If you could have any career what would it be?” He asks. I know this is in reference to my physics freak out from earlier.
“Honestly? I’ve been thinking about your idea for a nerd bar. Maybe we could open one together. I just keep having all of these ideas for things like trivia nights, renting it out for Dungeons and Dragons tournaments and things, and even playing episodes of Doctor Who and Star Trek on the televisions instead of sports,” I admit in a whisper.
Ethan stares at me for several seconds, his eyes filled with an emotion I can’t quite put my finger on.
“You want to open a business with me?” He asks in a quiet, shaky voice.
I bite my lip and look down at my hands. I realize I’m opening myself up to him more than I ever had before. Hell, opening a business together would be a bigger commitment to each other than a relationship.
“Yeah…one day.”
“I’d like that.”
I nod and reach for his hand. I give his hand a gentle squeeze and resist the urge to lean forward and kiss him. I want to taste his lips more than I’ve ever wanted anything but it wouldn’t be fair to him. I can’t keep jerking his feelings around.
His gaze lands on my lips and I know he’s thinking the same thing I am.
“Is your therapy going well?” He suddenly asks.
“It is. Last night I went to sleep without any drugs or alcohol,” I say proudly.
Unfortunately it’s not looking so good for tonight because these days it’s not the memories of Justin I’m trying to escape it’s the desperate feelings of wanting Ethan I’m trying to dull. My feelings for him have become a burning desire inside of my chest that seems to grow stronger every day. I was so wrong before to think my feelings for him were purely lustful because the more I spend time with him as friends the stronger the burn becomes. I want to spend the rest of my life snuggling on the couch with him on Friday nights.
“That’s so great. I’m really proud of you,” His unasked question
seems to fill the air between us.
“I’m not ready yet. I’m sorry, I wish I could give you a time frame or some sort of guarantee, but I just don’t know.”
He leans forward and kisses my cheek gently.
“You’re worth the wait.”
Chapter 34
Abby
I sit across from Dr. Lestic and mindlessly click a pen that had been laying on her desk.
“I feel horrible because I don’t want to string his feelings along but I also don’t want him to give up on me. Maybe it would be for the best if I let him go,” Even as the words leave my lips I want to take them back. I don’t want Ethan to find someone else. I want him to wait for me. Or better yet, I want to be ready to be with him.
“What’s keeping you from feeling like you can be in a relationship with him at this point?” Dr. Lestic asks. “It sounds like the confession of your abortion went over well. I know you were worried about that.”
“Yes, that went better than I ever could have hoped,” I nod in agreement as I chew on my cuticles.
“So what is holding you back? Let's make a list and then discuss them,” She suggests.
“Okay, what if I’ve waited too long and he doesn’t want me in that way anymore?” I state first.
“Do you think that’s a real possibility?”
“Not really, maybe eventually but I don’t think I’ve missed my chance yet,” I sigh. “Okay, what if things don’t work out between us?”
“That’s a possibility in all relationships isn’t it?” Dr. Lestic argues.
“Yes.”
“Tell me the real reason,” She instructs in a firm tone.
“What if once I am vulnerable to him he becomes abusive to me?” I choke out doing my best to hold tears back. “What if we become an exclusive couple and then one night I don’t feel like having sex and he forces me anyways? Or, what if he says the things to me that Justin and my father used to say?” My hands are shaking as I admit my worst fear. Dr. Lestic gives me a sympathetic look.
“That can be extremely frightening and it would require a lot of trust for you to allow him to be in the position to hurt you in those ways,” She agrees. “If he were to try to abuse you physically or verbally what do you think you would do?”
Worth the Wait (Sexy Nerd Boys #1) Page 18
