Toward the Sound of Chaos

by Carmen Jenner

  “Elle . . .”

  “Don’t. Please? Seeing you here, finding out Mr. Williams left everything to me . . . I . . .” I sigh. “I can’t deal with any more today or I’m going to fall apart, and I have no idea how to put me back together this time.” I push up from the couch, taking a moment to right my head. Jake reaches out and places his hand on my knee, but I brush him off. “Please don’t touch me, Jake. I can’t.”

  I push to my feet and head for the door.

  “Elle, you haven’t signed the papers.”

  “Tell her I’ll come back tomorrow.” I grab my purse from off the chair and make a beeline for the door. “I can’t be here now, not when you are.”

  “Elle,” he calls to me, but I’m already pushing past a confused looking Jacqueline in the hall with my iced tea.

  “Ms. Mason?”

  “I’ll call you,” I tell her over my shoulder, and then I flee that office faster than I thought my legs could carry me.

  ***

  For a long time, I sit in my car in the parking lot, completely numb. I know Jake will be out soon, but I don’t care. I can’t make my arms move at all, let alone drive my vehicle.

  And before long, just like I knew he would, he finds me. Jake opens the passenger door and gets in, leaving it ajar with his foot so Nuke’s not shut out. “You don’t have to talk; just listen.”

  I close my eyes and lean my head back against the headrest.

  “I’ve been broken for a good long while now. You changed that, Elle. You and Spence. You gave me something to live for. I can’t promise it’s not gonna be hard. I still have nightmares, I still fall into the black hole, but now I see a light at the end of it, and that light is you.”

  “I can’t be the light for you, Jake, if it means smothering my own.”

  He flinches as if I just slapped him. “Do you really believe that? That I’m darkness for you, suffocating and holding you down the way Jimmy did?”

  I give an infinitesimal shake of my head. “I don’t know anymore.”

  “I’m not giving up, Elle. You tell me what I can do to fix this—to fix us. You trusted me before. Why can’t you do that again?”

  I turn on him, sneering. “Because you broke me, Jake. The drinking, the attempted suicide? Do you know what it was like walking into that bedroom and finding you with a gun in your mouth? I couldn’t help you, so I’ve had to help myself. I had to help my son by never putting him in a position where he’d meet that Jake.”

  “I’m getting help,” he says. “I’m on meds now, the right ones, and I’m seeing a doctor. After all this time, I’m finally talkin’. You did that.” He angles his body toward me. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be worthy of you, angel, but even if I have to fight those demons every day to be the kind of man you deserve, I will.” He reaches out and grasps my chin in his hands, gently turning my face so I’ll meet his gaze. “I love you. I think I loved you since the day you crashed your car into that footbridge. I ain’t a saint. I’m pretty damn far from it, but I’ll work every second of my life trying to be one if it means you’ll be by my side.”

  I stare up into his eyes and shake my head. “I never needed a saint, Jake. I just needed you to let me in.”

  “And now I need you to do the same for me.”

  “I can’t,” I whisper with tears in my eyes.

  He frowns. His hand slips from my chin and he turns away, looking out on the lot. Nuke whines from the wet footpath.

  “I’m sorry.”

  Jake nods. “I ain’t giving up on us, Elle. I’m gonna wear you down, I’m gonna come at you from every angle, and I will have you in my arms again. I may have screwed up a lot of things in my life, but loving you, and starting a war over this isn’t wrong. You’re mine Ellie Mason, and I’m yours. I never belonged to anybody before you, and I don’t intend to belong to anyone else ever again, how can I when you got my whole heart and you ain’t giving it back?”

  “Jake—”

  “No, I’ll leave you be, if that’s what you really want.”

  I close my eyes again and take a deep, shaking breath. I can’t voice the words, because they aren’t true. I don’t want him to leave me alone at all, but I know it’s what’s best for all of us so I just nod. He climbs out of my car.

  “Come on, boy.” He tugs on the lead but the dog stays put, glancing between me and Jake. “Nuke. Come.”

  Jake turns and I watch them swallowed up by the dark street as they walk away. I start the car and I put it in gear, but I don’t go anywhere. And isn’t that the story of my life? Always in drive, but never moving. Never getting any further ahead.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Ellie

  “Hey baby,” I say, as Spence stalks into the kitchen—as much as anyone can stalk on crutches. He has a backpack slung over his shoulder and he’s dressed in his pajamas and one running shoe. The other foot is still in the cast. “You wearing that to school?”

  It isn’t the first time my kid has decided PJ Fridays should be a thing.

  “Not going to school,” he grumbles, sitting at the table. His crutches and bag fall to the floor with a clamor, and he picks up a piece of dry toast from my plate, shoving it in his mouth.

  I blink in surprise, though I’m not sure what’s more alarming. The attitude, or the fact that he ate toast instead of Cheerios from his orange bowl. “Uh, yes, you most certainly are going to school. Aren’t you getting an award today for your writing?”

  “School sucks.”

  I whirl on him. “You watch your mouth, mister.”

  “It does suck. Everything sucks. I hate you.” He stands and kicks his chair over.

  I take a deep breath. I know they’re just words, and he’s frustrated and not communicating properly, but boy do they sting like a bitch.

  Without his crutches, Spence heads for the back door and begins yanking on it, unable to turn the locks. He’s like Houdini, always wandering off. One minute he’s there and the next . . . gone.

  He tugs at the door, and then starts screaming at the top of his lungs. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!”

  I race over and pry his hands from the handle. All three locks are dead bolted, but it makes no difference—he’d claw his fingers down to stubs if he could.

  Spencer gives up on the door and starts hitting himself in the head, turning his anger inward. He never hurts me; not intentionally, anyway.

  With a fair amount of struggling, I loop one arm around his, restraining it behind him. He lashes out with the other, hitting himself over and over with a series of harsh slaps to the ear until I can get him under control, and then we fall back against the floorboards.

  Panting from exertion, I whisper in his ear, “Spence, breathe, baby. I need you to breathe and count with me, okay? One, two, three . . .” I’m the only one counting. His whole body is rigid from head to toe, and he struggles against me again.

  “I hate you. I wish Mr. Williams shot you instead. I wish Jake was my daddy and you just went away forever. You’re the worst mother ever.”

  I wrap my arms tighter around him. I’m shaking, but I don’t know if it’s him or me, or our combined anger and devastation that’s causing the world to shudder.

  “You are not allowed to hate me, Spencer Mason,” I whisper, but the dam bursts and the words come out on a sob. “I am your mother, and I love you with my whole heart, and you are not allowed to leave me because I’d be alone. I’d be heartbroken without you.”

  “I don’t care. I wanna see Jake. You never let me see Jake and Nuke anymore. You pushed them away and now they hate us.”

  “No, honey, Jake and Nuke could never hate you,” I say, smoothing my hand over his forehead. He flinches away from the touch and my heart breaks a little more.

  “Everyone hates me.”

  “No. Everyone loves you, Spencer. You have so much special inside you that everyone you meet can see it. People see it from miles away.”

  “You’re a liar. Jake wouldn’t have
left if he could see my special.”

  “Honey, what happened with Jake had nothing to do with you,” I say. It was my fault. I hadn’t guarded my heart. I let him get too close and it ruined us both. I let him in and he broke me because he was broken, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t piece him back together. I didn’t realize those cracks had affected my son so badly. “Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, sometimes you need to let them go so they can fix themselves.”

  “Are you gonna let me go, Mamma?” he says morosely.

  “No. You’re not broken. You’re just different, and different is beautiful.” I sniff. “No matter how long you walk this earth, no matter how many times you say you hate me, I’ll never let you go. That’s why I need you to love me back, because who else is going to do it as much as you?”

  “Jake,” he says matter-of-factly, and I nod, because I don’t doubt that what he’s saying isn’t true. Not even for a second. I know Jake loves me, the same as he knows I love him, but it doesn’t matter, because I can’t be what he needs, and he can’t give me what I need, so we’ll always be at an impasse. We’ll always be outside, looking through the glass but never able to breach the walls we put in place to guard our hearts.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Ellie

  Two months later

  I sit across the breakfast table from my son and stare out the kitchen window on the newly landscaped backyard. The fence Jake put up is still going strong, but I had a carpenter come in and finish it off with a gate, ready for today’s surprise. Spencer and I finally did the gardens, planting brightly colored petunias in the soil beside the back porch, and we even put in a vegie garden around the side and planted tomatoes, spinach, and a couple stalks of corn.

  The house across the street has been cleaned up, gutted, and renovated the way I know Mr. Williams had always wanted. It is on the market now. We couldn’t live there. I’d had one hell of a time cleaning out the place considering I’d seen the man blow his brains all over the wall, but after the initial shock of walking through that front door, I’d cleaned and sorted, donated his furniture and clothing to goodwill, and kept the important things like his Military memorabilia, old family photos and the things that reminded us of him. I’d even taken a few shirts and knickknacks over to Miss Chelle’s place, and she’d broken down and wept. She’d told me over tea about their long, sordid past.

  I glance at my baby boy as he chews his cereal. Despite getting his cast off just yesterday, he looks as miserable as he has for two months. We’ve been going to Duck Pond Beach every morning as usual, but there has been no Jake Tucker and no Nuke. I know that’s my doing, but still, every time I drive down North Beach Road, I feel a pang of despair at not getting to see the two of them.

  Since Mr. Williams died, I haven’t seen him show interest in a single thing. All of the books and war memorabilia got shoved inside the closet the second I handed them to him, and Spencer shut down any conversation regarding their whereabouts.

  Until a few nights back, when I woke to a strange sound coming from his room. I found Spence under the sheets, ripping out pages from his favorite book. It’d hurt seeing him destroy something that he’d loved so much, and I couldn’t help but think of Jake and the way he’d destroyed us in his grief. Spencer needed an outlet to grieve, not just the loss of his friend Mr. Williams, but also the loss of Jake and Nuke in his life. I’d had half a mind to pick up the phone then and there. Instead, I’d climbed into his bed and began asking questions about the pictures with him until he fell asleep. In the morning, I’d taken all the pieces into the salon where I’d begun taping it all back together between processing Miss Maggie’s color and setting Miss Chelle’s waves.

  “Hey, Spence?” I ask. He gives me a glum look around a mouthful of Cheerios. “I was thinking; it’s been kind of quiet around here lately.”

  His eyes go wide and he shoots up from the table. “Let’s call Jake and Nuke. I promise I won’t go crazy and hurt my hurty leg.”

  Wow. The kid knows how to drive a blade right through your heart. “Well, I was thinking now that we own this place, it might be time to go see Olivia about a service dog.”

  His jaw drops open, and he immediately bursts into tears. “You mean it? My own dog?”

  I nod. “They’re having an adoption day today, but I talked to her a couple weeks ago and she’s been training someone special for you.”

  He throws his hands up in the air. “Well let’s go. What are we waiting for?”

  I laugh. “Hold on a minute there, Captain Cheerio, you’re wearing more of your breakfast than you actually put in your mouth. Let’s get you cleaned up a little first, and then we’ll go.”

  Twenty minutes later, I’m fixing my hair in a neat ponytail when Spence screams, “Come on, Mamma.”

  I stare at my reflection and frown. Maybe just a slick of gloss.

  “Mamma.”

  “I’m comin’, I’m comin’. Keep your pants on.” I slick a bit of Smith’s Rosebud Salve over my lips and smooth my ponytail down again. I don’t know why I’m bothering; all I know is there’s a good chance I’ll see Jake since he started working for Olivia about a month back, and he’s bound to be there today.

  I know, I shouldn’t be getting all worked up or dressed up over a man I can’t have—a man I pushed away, but it don’t make no difference. It still hurts like hell when I run into him at the grocery store and we don’t talk past “hello” and “see you ’round.” Hell, it hurts every time I enter my bedroom and look at my empty bed. I swear I didn’t wash my sheets after we’d made love for a whole two weeks because I couldn’t stand to rid the scent of him from my pillows. Which is just wrong on so many levels.

  Spence is still walking gingerly on that leg, and despite him being keen as mustard, it takes a few moments to get him in the car. I pull into the disabled park at the shelter, surprised to find it still empty on what’s clearly a very busy day for them, and we walk around the side of the building to the training yard beyond where all the festivities are taking place.

  Spencer ignores the face painters, the jumping castle, and the clown—who I think might be Olivia’s new love interest from Mobile, though it’s still so new I haven’t met him yet—and makes a beeline for the doggy obstacle course. Nuke sits by the gate, waiting patiently. He wags his tail and licks Spencer’s hand, turning around in circles and yipping his excitement, which of course draws the attention of his owner, who happens to be standing in the middle of the ring running a gorgeous chocolate Lab through a newly upgraded obstacle course. His eyes meet mine, and the butterflies in my belly flutter at full tilt.

  His gaze moves from mine to my son’s as Spencer shouts, “Hi, Jake Tucker!”

  “Hey, Spence, how you doing?”

  “Guess what, guess what?” He jumps up and down with excitement, which scares me with his leg still being so weak from misuse. “Mamma said I can get my very own service dog today.”

  “No way?” Jake says, coming closer to us and exiting the ring. “Guess what? This is him. Spencer meet Sergeant Nutter Butter.”

  “Get outta town,” Spence squeals. Right away, the dog sniffs Spencer’s leg and woofs. My son leans down and pats the dog’s big round head.

  “He’s fully trained—been working on him for several weeks. Best temperament out of any dog I ever saw, next to Nuke, that is.” Jake scratches Nuke’s ears and the dog closes his big brown eyes, his tongue lolling out.

  “I didn’t know you were training him,” I say.

  “Yep, picked him out, too. What do you think of the name, Spence?”

  Spencer’s eyes are huge and sparkling with excitement. “It’s awesome.”

  “We been calling him Nutters for short,” Jake says. “But he’ll answer to both.”

  “Well howdy strangers,” Olivia yells comin’ across the lawn toward us. When she’s close enough, we hug one another. “I was wondering when we’d see you two around here. You haven’t even come by to see al
l the changes we made thanks to our anonymous donor.” She pins me with a look that says she has my number.

  “It looks incredible; y’all have done an amazing job.”

  “Well, thanks to that money and to Jake’s willingness to do free labor, we’ve made a lot of changes around here.” Olivia squeezes my shoulders. “Thank you. We were barely stayin’ afloat before, and now look at this place.” She stretches her arms out wide. “Now it’s thrivin’.”

  “I don’t know why you’re thanking me,” I say, but I flush crimson from neck to nose.

  “Mm-hmm, honey you ain’t fooling anyone.”

  I clap my hands together. “So . . . maybe we should get those papers sorted.”

  “Of course,” Olivia says. “I’m about to head into the ring to do a quick demonstration, but I’m sure Jake would be happy to help you out with all of that stuff, wouldn’t you, Jake?”

  “Happy to.”

  Trust Olivia to meddle.

  “Thanks,” I say, and follow my son, whose leg seems to be doing a lot better because he’s taken off with the two dogs up toward the office.

  Jake falls into step beside me. “You two been okay?”

  “Yeah.” I smile, but I don’t feel it. Being here with him, standing next to him and breathing in his cologne and the scent of his sweat—it’s heady and heartbreaking, too. “We’re getting through it. I think this will be good for Spence. He misses Nuke a lot.”

  “Nuke misses him,” Jake says, pinning me with his stare, as if it’s my fault that things are the way they are. The truth is this isn’t anyone’s fault. Love is messy—it’s complicated and difficult. Sometimes it works out, and sometimes it doesn’t.

  He clears his throat. “So, Nutters may be fully trained, but Spencer isn’t.”

  I roll my eyes. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

  He laughs. “We’re going to need to train Spence in what Nutters can do and what he’s capable of, and sort out what we want him to work towards in the future. He’s a therapy dog, but in the future we can train him to track, in case Spence ever goes walkabout again. He can alert you to things like seizures as well. Eventually, he’ll learn Spencer’s cues for meltdowns and how to assist those before they get out of hand. But for now, we want to focus on the two of them getting to know one another and Spence giving Nutters basic commands.”