Black and White

by Ludivig, K. R.

  “Marcus,” he stopped mid swing. He turned to look at me. The pleading in my eyes had nothing to do with the amount of fear for Alex in my voice. He stopped to look at me. He walked toward me. I had to look up at him this close.

  “Katie,” he said calmly, as if what he did never happened. He placed his hands on my shoulders. I flinched, feeling the cool Michigan air on his finger tips. I got goose bumps from the cold. He noticed and dropped his hands. “You will never understand.” He shook his dark-haired head. I couldn’t find my voice to confront him, I wasn’t scared to I was just shocked.

  “Please stop.” I mouthed. The tears in my eyes were enough to get Marcus to give up and walk away from Alex’s lifeless body.

  Alex’s mouth and nose were bleeding. He was in the fetal position on the floor, and despite the looks I received; I still took out my phone immediately and called 911. The only person who had the heart to care was me. It was pathetic how much my student body actually cared about someone. I ignored the accusations and even though I knew it was Alex who brought this on himself, I still helped him because I cared a little bit about him.

  Alex was alive but unconscious.

  I asked the paramedics to ride in the ambulance, to make sure he would be alive. They assured me his injuries were minor and he would live, but I still wasn’t allowed to go.

  At the hospital, I waited. I also skipped class to drive all the way over here. I waited with his mom, the person who meant most to Alex. I sat up against the wall in the hallway outside Alex’s room, my hands in my armpits and my feet strewn out in front of me, comfortable on the bench outside. If Alex died I would probably side with Marcus, because Alex had it coming to him. The phone in my pocket vibrated.

  “Hello?” I said without looking at the caller ID.

  “Is Alex okay?” asked the angelic voice.

  “He’s in critical condition but the doctors say he’ll be ok.”

  “How bad is he?” Katie asked.

  “Three fractured ribs, a broken wrist and he has a minor brain hemorrhage but that’s about it.”

  “THAT’S IT?!” Katie exclaimed into my ear. “I’m coming down there.”

  “Katie you’re in school, just stay there.” I assured her we didn’t need her.

  “Baby, school is going to be a long day if I don’t come down there.”

  “It’s going to be long if you do come down here. We don’t need you, Katie just stay there!” I said. My tone seemed a little to harsh.

  “Okay,” she said sadly, “I can take the hint.”

  “Katie no.”

  “Good-bye Christopher.” And she was gone.

  I ended up skipping school anyways. I went to my dorm room and put on some sweats and undid myself from the day. Random thoughts trailed through my head. Did he mean it that way? Was he just upset because of Alex? What about Marcus? Where was Marcus? What was Chris going to do about Marcus?

  Tomorrow and the weekend would be hell.

  As soon as the bell rang, Chris called me.

  Should I answer it? I asked myself. When I didn’t, I got a text.

  Baby, I’m sorry. Call me ok? I love you.

  Really? I thought. I didn’t text him back.

  I didn’t want to lose him. Instead of pondering this, I just drove my sorry ass over to his house. I parked my car inside his garage, his mom knew. That way he didn’t know I was here. I called my mom and said I was staying at the school this weekend to save gas, even though I was like five blocks from my house. My mom understood that at least. Obviously I was lying to her. I think she knew it too.

  At midnight, after talking to his mom all day, Chris pulled up into the driveway.

  “Oh my god Lynn, look.” I saw head lights.

  “He’s here.” He got out of his car rubbed his eyes. He looked, from what I could see, emotionally beaten up and tired from a long day at the hospital with Alex. I lay in his bed. He would obviously see me then. He slammed the door on his way in. Lynn offered him a sandwich. I heard his harsh footsteps coming toward the door.

  “Holy shit!” he screamed.

  “Hi.” I said, turning over in his blankets as I had so many times before. He moved toward me, launching his body in my direction.

  “Katie,” he said, his voice relieved, relaxed, even. He squeezed me in his arms tightly.

  “Mmm…” I breathed in his scent.

  “I thought you would never speak to me again,” he said. “I felt so bad.”

  “I love you,” I replied to his words. “And I’m sorry.”

  “Me too, I should have never talked to you like that,” he said sincerely.

  “No.” I cradled him in my arms and then let go.

  “Katie,” he said. I grabbed his hand and threw him on the bed. He liked it when I was rough; last night was enough to prove that. But instead of jumping on top of him after taking my clothes off, all I did was grab a pair of pajama pants from the bag I grabbed this afternoon. I took the school uniform off he loved so much and put on a tee shirt and some pajama pants I removed from the bag.

  “What are you doing?” he asked.

  “Getting comfortable,” I replied.

  “Katie you can’t stay here,” I said, seriously.

  “What?” She stopped getting dressed and just stood there in her bra and underwear. Her eyes instantly teared up as if I said that her puppy just died. I got up from the bed.

  “Come here.”

  “Do you mean that?” she asked, still crying.

  “No I want you to stay,” I replied.

  I wrapped my arms around her and put my hand on the back of her neck like always.

  “I love you,” I said. “I’m sorry.”

  I didn’t say anything. I just held him and he held me. Then he picked me up and lay me down beneath him. We kissed and he rolled over so I would be more comfortable. I loved him. This moment was perfect. He laid down his head on the pillow next to mine. I used my nails to scratch his head and make him fall asleep. I turned around and faced the wall as soon as he dozed. His arm made it around my waist when I thought he was asleep.

  While we lay there happily, the phone rang. It was Alex’s mom. Alex died at 1:36 A.M. that Saturday, January 30th, 2009.

  Chapter Nine: Nightmares

  Getting ready for Alex’s funeral was hell for me. The only dress or clothes I had that was black was my junior year prom dress.

  I went to the mall in Detroit, not expecting to find anything enough sweet and innocent looking for a funeral. Most of the black clothes I found were trashy. I went to a JCPenney’s and found a black and white flowered skirt and a jet black long sleeved shirt and jacket. It was under twenty dollars.

  I charged it.

  On the way home from the mall, I cried. I couldn’t believe Alex was dead. But why would Marcus do this? Obviously I was the last one to find out everything all the time. Chris couldn’t exactly tell me what happened with him and Marcus, as much as I’d like him to. I remembered the day Alex got mad at Chris for not being with him enough and being with me too much. That day, Marcus was going out with Heather. Now he’s going out with Kate, another ex-girlfriend of Chris’s.

  As I pulled into the parking lot, I noticed there weren’t any cars. I could whip a shitty. I whipped the E-brake on and moved gracefully around a lamp post. It felt good to drive again. I mean like really drive. I thought of Ben how he had lost a friend when I was gone that summer, staying in Miami with him. I missed Ben but really there was nothing I could do right now. Just like Alex. I respected him most days as my classmate. I respected him as a friend as well.

  I was in question that Marcus actually meant to kill Alex. Now Marcus would be charged with first degree murder. And I, as a witness would have to testify against him, because that was the right thing to do. But would I lose Chris in the process? Would I lose the one I love most because I as a person know that’s the right thing to do?

  Then I realized that if he really loved me, he would still be with me. He might
be mad, but he’d get over it. I never contemplated doing the right thing, I just questioned what would happen if I did.

  At the funeral, because I was Catholic, I wore the traditional black veil and black gloves with my new coat. After the funeral, Chris and I went to his house. He and I changed into something more comfortable and I went to the bathroom. I swear I was cursed with the tiniest bladder.

  “Katie, look.” Chris turned on the TV while I was gone.

  They never did take Marcus away. I now questioned the police officers around this town wondering if they were reliable. What if something happened to me?

  As I sat in Wind Orchestra, the trombones behind me were extremely loud. They made my head and sound barriers sensitive. My ears hadn’t adjusted to the loud noises yet. I couldn’t think about anything accept the death of Alex. Chris wasn’t exactly thrilled with me because of my blame on Marcus. But obviously, he wouldn’t know, because he wasn’t there. Alex was already dead. What could Chris do now?

  “Should I call Katie?” I asked Josh, sitting in English 12, sixth hour.

  “Why are you asking me?” he asked.

  “I don’t know.” I said. I wasn’t so sure I was really the person she wanted to talk to, even if I was her friend.

  “Katie,” I said out loud. People looked at me from all directions, as if I were crazy. Hell, I probably was crazy but I didn’t care. I had at least a thousand pictures of her on my phone because every time she got bored she took my phone and got camera-happy. I ran the pad of my thumb over her jaw-line on the screen of my phone. It felt like I hadn’t talked to or seen the real Katie in days -- well since Alex’s funeral -- even though I kissed her good bye outside her car window this morning.

  “…her daddy said stay away from Juliet…” I sang out loud. It was a line from the hit teen sensation, Taylor Swift’s “Love Story.” Katie had been talking about her a lot and really loved Swift’s song. Katie used to say when she met me that I was her “Love Story.”

  After school I found my neon quickly in the space I always left it and ran up to Lightstaff. I needed to see her.

  I was lying in bed, the one I hadn’t slept in since my second week here. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. My phone vibrated on the bedside table. I ignored it. I got up from the bed to change clothes and go get something to eat, since I hadn’t all day. Instead of going down to the mess hall right away, I lay back down.

  I stuck my ipod in my ears and prayed that God would make me not so miserable. I don’t even know why I felt miserable. I didn’t even like Alex that much before. What the fuck?! I realized that the last two months with Chris made me swear a lot more than usual. Who really cared though? Caring what other people thought rarely got anyone anywhere. That’s what Chris said anyways. It was hard to just lay here.

  I heard the door open and close. Ella’s footsteps traipsed across the carpet floor of our room.

  “Hey,” said her girly voice. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you.”

  “I know,” said my extremely raspy and grotesque voice.

  “Where’ve you been?” she asked.

  “With my boyfriend,” I replied.

  “All day and all night?” she asked.

  “Yup.”

  “Why aren’t you with him now? Are you guys fighting?”

  “No,” I said, clearing my throat of mucus. “I just feel like being alone right now.”

  “Do you need a hug, Katie?”

  “I’m fine, thanks.” I looked away. Ella knew it was a lie but she didn’t push the subject.

  I got up and put shoes on. I walked out the door, down the hall, and down across the courtyard in nothing accept my sweats over to Mess Hall. My stomach growled. Anything with chocolate in it sounded heavenly at this point. I hadn’t eaten in three days. As I walked through the entry way into the commons area, I saw Linda, the lunch lady.

  “What would you like to eat, Miss White?”

  “A chocolate chip muffin please,” I replied, “and this milk.” I snatched a 2% milk carton off the cold case display. I typed in my number and Linda rang me up. She then disappeared into the kitchen to retrieve my muffin.

  Listening to my music, I ignored every sound around me, isolating myself.

  When Linda came back, she presented me with a perfectly heated chocolate chip muffin. I sat down at a random table and began to down my muffin.

  “Hey,” said a voice I didn’t recognize. I ignored them, shoving bit of muffin down my throat. I got up, dropped my plate and fork in the dish sink and walked out of Mess Hall.

  “Thanks Miss White.” Said the ladies in the kitchen.

  I just waved, still putting the muffin in my mouth.

  “Katie what’s wrong?” the voice rang a bell, but not a big bell.

  “Katie stop!” he said it as a friend did. I recognized the voice as male. He jumped in front of me and stood. I hadn’t even gotten to the door yet and he stopped me. I tried to shove passed him, he was stronger than I so I just used my voice.

  “What the fuck?!” I said rudely. “MOVE!”

  The hands of the person reached out in front of me creating a barrier between him and me of air.

  “Baby!” he said, registering my thought train. It was Chris.

  “Go away” I demanded longing to just go upstairs and cry.

  “Katie, you weren’t like this, this morning.” Said Chris. But he was the last person I wanted to talk to right now.

  “Bye.” I said walking past him, irate.

  “Katie Marie White!” He used my full name. I stopped. I broke down in the middle of the corridor, crying.

  “I didn’t even like Alex that much.”

  “I don’t think its Alex, babe.”

  We were driving; I was sitting in the passenger seat of Chris’s neon. What else was I supposed to do? As I gazed out the window, listening to my play list on his zune, the sky became darker and darker. It was night and we must have been driving home for somewhere. Chris’s eyes followed the road. I saw the big semi truck coming our way on the other side of the road.

  My favorite song came on the radio, “Love Story” by Taylor Swift.

  Chris moved over to the other land, the one with the semi, by mistake. He gazed at me, no longer paying attention to the road.

  I started yelling and shouting. He couldn’t hear me. He was too dazed to even realize.

  I saw the bright lights of the truck hit Chris’s car and woke up.

  I sat up in bed, immediately rousing him.

  “Baby, what’s wrong?” I looked out his door, the sun was up. I turned my head to see if it was him, to see if it was really a dream or nightmare really.

  “Katie.” He said to me.

  “Yeah I’m fine.” I said, “I just had a bad dream.” I lay back down and cuddled up next to him. I shuddered at the thought of his death. It wouldn’t have been very pleasant if it weren’t a dream, I would probably be dead.

  Hour after hour Katie would wake up screaming about something different. I couldn’t sleep but I didn’t want to make her feel like she was keeping me awake, even though she was. Once, my mom even came in to see if she was okay because she was dreaming.

  Every nightmare was either about Chris or Alex. One I actually slept soundly.

  “Katie.” Said the Chris in my dream.

  I pulled out a gun and pushed it to his forehead.

  “Listen to me.” I demanded him. I was crying for some reason. I couldn’t wake myself up from this dream. Or was it a dream?

  “Katie, I’m listening, what’s wrong?”

  “You abandoned me.” I cried. “You left me for her!” What was I saying? Why was I saying it? Chris was mine. He didn’t leave me, he never would. I didn’t believe this. There was a girl next to him, one I recognized vaguely. She was both Chris and Marcus’s ex girlfriend, Heather. “You left me.” I stopped crying. The pure fury in my voice and venom in my soul was enough to tell Heather to leave. She didn’t though, she stayed right by him, p
rotecting him.

  I questioned myself just then. Why would I do this? Why couldn’t I wake myself up from this?

  “Drop the gun miss.” Said an angry cop voice behind me. I felt the real cold gun of the barrel of the gun on my neck, pressing hard, knowing it would show a bruise. As I put the gun down, I shot Chris and sat up screaming.

  Chapter Ten: No Matter What

  I jumped out of bed. Chris was lying next to me.

  “Baby, hey! What’s wrong?” he asked reaching toward me.

  “Stay away from me!” I scrambled away. Not having an explanation for my behavior, I backed up against the furthest wall away from him.

  “Hey it’s ok!” he said. “It was just a dream.”

  “No it’s not, I shot you.” I panicked.

  “Katie, hey. Come here its ok.” His voice was soothing, calming me.

  I came near him, but I was very careful. That dream couldn’t have been real; I wouldn’t let it be real. I cuddled up next to him, careful of where my hands were.

  “Baby, it’s ok. It’s not real, Katie.”

  “Don’t let go of me,” I said.

  “No baby, I won’t ever let go.” Chris sounded sure of himself. But his voice was still full of wonder. Why would I shoot him? Why would he have gone to Heather? She was fourteen and he was eighteen. The age difference would put him in the same position as Marcus. But just being in his arms, right at this second made all of the pain go away. Because I knew he was mine.

  That day I got called down to the Dean’s office. I wondered if they just started noticing my absences in the dorm room assigned to me.