Black and White

by Ludivig, K. R.

  I started this job because I needed something to do this summer. Well, it was May and I wasn’t done yet. Graduation was coming up and then I’d be sent off to a foreign country because Daddy wanted to give his girl an education his parents thought necessary for the age.

  I didn’t want to see Chris because he had been an ass to me and an ass to Ella for the last two months without a reason why. For some reason not obvious to him, he didn’t know why. What he didn’t understand was that Ella was more important to me than him. Ella, the best friend that she was, was always there for me. Chris couldn’t be there for me, no matter how hard he tried. Something was always more important. Another thing was that the last time we had sex was a month and two weeks ago and I still hadn’t gotten my period. This wasn’t good. My Coming of Age Ceremony was in July and I needed to not be four months pregnant in a maternity dress on my eighteenth birthday! Not only was I not telling Chris, I didn’t want him to be in the kid’s life, even if I did love him for the selfish hustler he was.

  “Mommy!” said a little kid’s high pitched voice. It was enough to haunt me.

  “Katie,” said Chris’s sanctified but obnoxious vocal chords. I loved to hear it but it was annoying. I knew I was pregnant. I had that kind of luck. I could feel myself want to throw up just because I was awake. But I learned that even though I had bad luck, there was a reason for everything that happened.

  “You know what?” I said to him.

  “Careful the little kids have sensitive ears.” His being a smart ass was getting to me. Boy did I want to punch him in the face. And how did he have any right to tell me to watch what I say?

  “I really don’t want to talk to you, or see you at any point during the rest of my lifetime. So I think you should leave quietly before I have security remove you.”

  “On what accord?”

  “On the account you’re not wearing proper golf attire.”

  “Do you even know what proper golf attire is?” he asked.

  “Do you?”

  “That’s beside the point. You’re the one who works at a golf course for her daddy.” He said the word ‘daddy’ in that most annoying mocking sort of tone. It wasn’t my fault no one would hire an heiress.

  “You’re really going to put me through this again?” I asked him in a hushed tone, since Anna was right beside me. He really didn’t get it did he? It was all of this that drove me nuts. Chris was pissing me off. After this last incident with Zack on prom night, Chris didn’t really get the hint that I wanted nothing to do with men. This was probably because my luck with pregnancy was not so hot.

  “What Katie?” he said, trying to be nice and win my heart back, AGAIN! Well, not this time buddy! How do you like them apples?! “All I’m doing is coming to see you at work. I want to be honest with you. I love you.”

  “Aww…” said Anna, who at her age of seven didn’t even know what real love, was. Maybe, neither did I.

  “Are you trying to be a pain in my patooty or do you just love to play my games?”

  “Did you just say patooty?” he laughed. I got frustrated and started away again.

  “Katie wait. What games? What did I say? What did I do?”

  “It’s what you didn’t do.” You forgot the condom you stubborn ass. If you’d have just gotten off yours and grabbed one, I wouldn’t be in this predicament right now, now would I?

  “What didn’t I do? Just tell me I’ll fix it.”

  I started away again. I didn’t want to fix it. I want to leave it alone. He broke my heart twice and I was done with him.

  “Stop walking away from me!”

  “No.” I walked right into hole one. Instead of getting up I just laid there, in the middle of the putting green, furious with him for coming here, furious with myself for actually talking to him instead of summoning the bitch in me to make him go away, furious with life in itself. And then I looked up at the sky and cursed at myself for being so clumsy.

  I wondered why I was pushing him away. Because I was too afraid to get hurt again or because I secretly, deep down-(too deep for me to see apparently)-thought he was a bad guy.

  “Katie.” He stopped next to me, attempting to breathe because he couldn’t catch up. Lazy ass.

  “UGH!” I just covered my face with my white-gloved hands and laid there, imagining it all away.

  Chapter Twenty: Spring Concerto

  I put my hair up in braids the night before and all through the next day to ensure perfection in my waves for the Concerto. There wasn’t any pressure or anything; it wasn’t like I was the key soloist for the Concerto tonight and I was playing an instrument that was my first.

  I was playing my mother’s blessed Klarinette Clarinet. All three of the pieces had clarinet solos. They were difficult and I worked hard to learn how to play clarinet in secret at school and practice at home without my mom and dad finding out. It would also be a good surprise for the entire class at Lightstaff Academy to see me playing something other than a brass instrument.

  I slipped on my wind orchestra dress with ease. Only it was disappointing that it didn’t fit. It fit but a little tight around the waist area.

  I needed to talk to Ella, she did my hair for prom and it was perfect. She did it ten seconds before Jake walked in, it was perfect, and it stayed. All she said was make the bobby pins and hairspray accessible. It was easy, bobby pins in one hand hairspray in the other. I had my dress on, and stuff but I thought I’d just do my own hair. It wasn’t hard but I wanted to look pretty and my hair was the same every other day of the year.

  However, that night at his friends’ party that Chris invited me to, I got drunk and had sex with Chris. I didn’t regret it the next morning when I woke up next to him butt naked in his bed and neither did he. It reminded him that he wanted to wake up to me every morning like that. That was over two months ago and I’m late, really late. The only thing the next morning I thought of besides the fact that I loved Chris was the fact that the both of us were idiots and forgot the condom.

  I took three pregnancy tests and all turned up positive. We were dating but he didn’t know because I didn’t want to worry him with anything else at the moment. He was already dealing with Zack who couldn’t keep his hands off me. Zack never did get to have sex with me which is how I know its Chris’s baby otherwise I’d be worried it was the latter. But we’re still dating so Zack won’t touch me.

  Immediately, I text Ella for my hair.

  While waiting for her, I thought of what Mr. Dibble had said early this morning after class.

  “Miss White, you understand your circumstances as guest soloist correct?”

  “No sir, I do not.” I said being annoyingly respectful. Instead of correcting me he just continued:

  “Katie, you as the guest soloist are permitted to wear anything you would like, as long as it follows school dress code. That also means you shouldn’t wear your concert dress uniform because you ‘like it’. Alright?”

  “Yes sir.” I nodded turning away. I didn’t know what else to say.

  I remembered the dress that I bought for Valentine’s Day that I didn’t use. I hoped it still fit due to my predicament. It was a Stella McCartney dress. Silver with diamonds scattered across the fabric. It was form fitting to gather and cling at the right places with a slit down the right leg so I could walk. It was off the shoulder though. I was kind of iffy about wearing that to the Academy and in my Bentley through Detroit.

  I got up from the vanity in my room and pulled off my wind orchestra dress. I lay it on my bed with care because even though I loved the dress I needed to be perfect tonight and the dress needed a test run somewhere. I pulled the hangar out of the closet and the dress hung underneath a plastic covering so it wouldn’t fade. I took it off the hangar and slipped it over my head, hoping it would still fit. It fell to the floor in perfection. Now I wondered where I put the matching shoes.

  Tonight was the night that I was going to tell Lynn, John and Chris, but I had a concerto to be a
t. If I wasn’t the key soloist and this wasn’t my last concert ever at Lightstaff Academy, I would be skipping it to tell him, but it would have to wait until afterwards. I did invite them, but he said he had stuff to do. Would he really skip something that meant this much to me to do stupid shit, if he wanted me to be his again?

  Ella was over in a heartbeat, she was just down the hall with Monica Stone the violinist from the string orchestra.

  “Hey Katie,” She said cheerfully. “Oh, your hair looks pretty like that.”

  “Actually I was hoping that you could make it up like the way you did at prom?” I said hopefully.

  “I see how it is, just using me for my hair expertise?” she said. “I expect payment.” She tended right to my hair.

  “Oh you will, believe me.” I said in the most devious way. Too bad I forgot to go to the ATM this morning or she would be getting fifty.

  “I like the way you said it.” She said. “Are you ready for the concert tonight?”

  “I guess so; I mean Chris might be there. He said he has some things to take care of. Ugh.” I scoffed. “Why can’t he just let Zack go and let the police deal with him? I already have a restraining order against him.”

  “That freak still won’t leave you alone even after what happened on prom night?” Yes she knew. She was my best friend; my only friend really. “I’m done.”

  “What? Really already?”

  “Yes already. That’s more time than it took me at prom.” She said.

  “Thanks Ella. I really appreciate it. I-.” I stopped right in front of the mirror and saw my hair. It was half up, half down. Wavy and perfect the way I wanted it. She found the perfect places for my diamond hairpins and hid the bobby pins in the most amazing places. “Wow. I look amazing. Thank you Ella!”

  “Do you want me to do your make up too?”

  “Yes!” I said a little too excited.

  “No lipstick right?”

  “No it would look awful afterwards. I kind of use my lips at concerts.”

  “Right.” She said in that, “Okay whatever Katie” kind of voice.

  She began my makeup. I trusted her. Ella herself didn’t wear makeup. She didn’t really have a need for it. She was pure beauty in itself. Her name was a definition in the dictionary for the word beautiful.

  “Okay, I’m done.” She didn’t even do anything to my face.

  “What’s up Ella?”

  “You don’t need makeup. You’re pretty just the way you are.”

  “You’re my best friend. You’re supposed to say that.”

  “Actually, best friends are supposed to give you makeup advice. Mothers are supposed to tell you’re pretty the way you are.” She explained.

  “Well thank you Mother.” I replied.

  “Aren’t you going to be late?” she asked.

  “Shit.” I was actually already “late”. Even though I was supposed to show up late so no one saw me on the way down. Ella was the only one that was to know in case I needed help with something, such as my hair or makeup.

  I needed to drive around the block and make it look like I was at home instead of the dormitory right next door. I grabbed my keys and purse. My instruments were down stairs. Then I remembered that I needed shoes. It was a perfect way to waste gas if you ask me.

  “They’re under your bed.” Ella pronounced.

  “How do you know?”

  “That’s where you threw them when he said he didn’t want to be with you on Valentine’s Day.” She said.

  “Thanks Ella. You’re a life saver.”

  “I’ll see you at the concert.”

  “Yup you too.” I said agreeing.

  I found my way down the stairs and to my car with no problem without anyone seeing me. I was safe inside my car. I started it and drove around the block not worrying if anyone could see me. I parked it in the exact same spot I left in. I got out and walked tall and proud to the instrumental storage room. I carefully looked around before I stepped out into the room. I walked to the locker that I hid my mother’s clarinet in. I put it together and let the reed sit in water a minute before I put it on the instrument. The cork was perfectly lubricated and the clarinet was the perfect temperature. The wood was grainy and heavenly. I wondered what my entire class would think, seeing me with an instrument that wasn’t my original. I put it together and was careful where I put the mouth piece. The last time I played it, it almost broke.

  I checked my hair and my teeth before I decided to go out on stage. I grabbed my reed and walked out the door to instrumental storage and followed the hall to the stage doors. I walked into the back of the stage holding my mom’s clarinet. I hid behind the back curtain on the stage behind the wind orchestra.

  I thought about what if I screwed up. I had given hundreds of solos since I had started playing music, none with this much pressure. My mom had been good at clarinet, really good. She was accepted to Juilliard School of the Arts. She got cut from Juilliard for drinking before her first concert. The only thing I was afraid of was being underneath her. Living up to her reputation would be completely awful and excruciatingly difficult.

  “Good evening ladies and gentlemen.” Began Dibble. “Welcome to Lightstaff Academy’s Spring Concerto. Tonight the seniors will be recognized. The pieces tonight will consist of The Jig is Up composed by Daniel Kallman, Elsa’s Procession to the Cathedral by Richard Wagner, and Bayou Breakdown by Brant Karrick. Now, in your programs for the evening you will read that below every piece it reads Guest Soloist on Clarinet. One of our seniors has shown dedication and integrity towards the orchestra. She has been with us since her sophomore year and originally started on the French horn nine and a half years ago. Ladies and Gentlemen, your guest soloist, Miss Katie White.” All I could hear was applause.

  I could hear my heals traipse across the stage floor. Classmates began to whisper. I thought it was mostly about the fact that ‘I didn’t know how to play clarinet’. I heard the end-of-row trumpet player say that I was gorgeous. I didn’t flinch but I wanted to slap him for also saying that I had a great ass. The light was hot and I was slightly temping up. I could feel the diamonds glimmering in the lights overhead. I could see my shadow next to me on the floor.

  As I took my place at the stand with the music on it, I held up the clarinet to do a tuning B flat for the Orchestra. They all took the note after the tuba joined me. When I put the clarinet down, John took his lips off the tuba. The sound rang and the orchestra joined us. Dibble cut us off and we stopped playing. He left the stage so I could set up the perfect height for the stand and make sure that every key on my clarinet worked.

  When he reappeared the entire audience applauded in mutual respect for the director of the much-appreciated orchestra. He summoned the orchestra to stand leaving me to stand there. While the audience took pictures of the first chair and second chair instrumentalists, I stood in awe of how greatly appreciated we really were as the Academy’s greatest orchestra.

  Dibble stepped up onto the podium and lifted the baton gracefully.

  “Ready?” he asked me. I nodded once and eyed up the music on the stand. I watched him out of the corner of my eye for the cue to the percussion of the first measure. I awaited and counted for measure thirty-two, hoping that the rest of the clarinets wouldn’t come in. I tried not to look at the audience. If I did so, the pressure would build and I wouldn’t be able to concentrate. I started to shake awaiting the measure. I had to keep telling myself that it was just like any other solo I had to deliver.

  When I came in, in bar thirty-two my director didn’t even make a gesture for me to come in as if he trusted me. I was scared but as soon as I felt the reed vibrate against my lips I relaxed. It came easy after that. Every beat, every tempo change, every note was as easily delivered as the one before it. I moved my fingers up and down the wood and keys with ease.

  The end of the piece came surprisingly fast. I then looked at Parker across the stage giving credit to the orchestra, then turned to me to
give me the spot light. I curtsied to the audience.

  Thank you, thank you. I said inside my head. Then I asked myself what was next.

  Elsa. The one piece I longed to play for Professor Dibble. He hadn’t heard me practice it. But Professor House had and she said that it was amazing sounding and that Dibble would love it. The greatest clarinet solo in history was about to be played by myself in Elsa’s Procession to the Cathedral.

  “Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for coming tonight and our second piece for the evening is Elsa’s Procession to the Cathedral. Elsa’s piece is one of many that were written for the German opera Lohengrin. It’s one of the oldest pieces ever written. Written in 900 A.D. by Richard Wagner, Elsa’s piece describes the journey from the bottom of the battle field to the top of the hill in the Cathedral where she is to be married to the knight that saved her from being beheaded for her brother’s murder. The knight asked her not to ask his name or origin when he married her. So she makes her way up the steps to the cathedral to meet her knight and marry him.

  “Ladies and Gentlemen, Elsa,” said Dibble, he turned around and immediately cued the flutes, first clarinets and saxophones. When I came in for the clarinet solo in measure eight, Dibble couldn’t imagine that I had that much wind on an instrument that I had just learned to play. When he gave me the cut off cue, the solo was over all too fast. I loved that solo. It was amazing. Then he gave the orchestra the cut off and I was sad. The piece was over.

  He gave me credit and then cued the bassoon for the Bayou Breakdown. I had the graceful solo in the middle and the outside solos were different coming in at different times in different chords, thus creating a fugue. It was weird feeling my fingers go that fast. He cut off the orchestra in the last bar and that was it. The concert was over. It seemed like only a few moments but it had been at least an hour. It was so exhilarating.