When we were both completely free of clothing, Julian leaned down and placed a kiss over my heart, as he had placed his hand once before. It produced a calming effect, stilling my heart’s ramblings. I barely registered the moment he leaned over me to slide the condom on.
He climbed back over me, pushing just the tip of himself against my opening. Our eyes connected in the dark as he slid slowly into me, making sure to watch my face the entire time. I gripped his upper arms, adjusting to the sensation and the size. I felt completely stretched, whole. I smiled at him and nodded, urging him to continue.
It started slow and sweet, similar to the dance we’d shared in his kitchen earlier. Once I became accustomed to his size, it quickly became frenzied, his thrusts faster. My nails dug into his arms and my legs gripped his waist in a crushing hug. I was overcome with the physical sensation of being connected to Julian finally, and all the ways it made me feel. I could no longer hide myself from him. As my body climbed, so did the rush of emotions and I couldn’t prevent the tears that slipped from the sides of my eyes, gravity pulling them into my hairline.
Julian’s eyes narrowed in concern and I shook my head quickly, smiled, and put my fingers on his lips, halting whatever he had opened them to say.
It was raw, and real, and desperate. My heart became a jackhammer in my chest, quickening as I lost control of myself beneath him, my body trembling with the climax. Dimly, I heard his shout shortly afterwards before he collapsed on me, being careful to brace his weight on his forearms.
Julian’s cheek was against mine, his breaths fast in my ear as his body settled. I could hear the faint dim of Norah Jones serenading us from the kitchen.
It was as if my heart was made to react to him, to beat for him. Everything my heart was doing in his presence was so foreign, like it recognized him as someone significant and reacted as such. I likened it to an animal greeting its owner after their absence. Julian owned me, he owned my heart. It was beating strong, steady, just for him. And more than anything, I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be steady. I wanted to give Julian the pieces of me that weren’t dark. But part of me wanted to give him the dark pieces too, to see what he could make with them. And I knew that Julian wanted that too. He wanted to remove the burdens that my soul had carried for so long.
My tears came again, flooding my eyes. I tried to blink them back, but a tear slipped out of one eye, stalling when it connected with his cheek.
I held my breath as I felt him move and then saw his face above mine. I searched my brain for something to say, but faltered. How could I explain that I’d felt unburdened? He had promised to relieve me of the weight that sat heavy on my chest, and he did just that. The impression from the weight was still there, but it was easing. I was no longer handicapped by secrets. I was free. And it was all because of Julian.
Instead of asking why tears leaked from my eyes, he seemed to understand. “I’m not letting you escape from my bed easily you know,” he said, casually wiping away the second tear that slid down, this one in relief. He grinned down at me before kissing my lips once, then twice, then over and over until I pushed him off of me while I laughed.
“You’ll have to feed me at some point,” I said.
“Of course.” He slid off the bed gracefully and yanked up his previously discarded board shorts. “We’ll need to keep your energy up for the rest of the night.” He winked before strolling out of the room.
I laid back into the pillows, getting comfortable. I couldn’t articulate how at ease I finally felt. Guilt had dominated my life for so long, and I’d wrapped myself in it like a security blanket with each lie I spoke. I’d found comfort in my guilt, knowing and accepting that I had a dark soul, tainted by circumstance and secrets. Security in that I didn’t have to burden anyone with who I truly was. I’d lost a bit of myself, of Cora, shoving her aside to embrace the life of Andra: hard worker, compulsory liar, lonely girl. And Julian had found her, had found Cora. Literally and figuratively.
Before the tears could threaten again, I looked around the bedroom, taking in the sparse furnishings. The bed itself was beautiful, rich espresso-colored wood. The headboard was carved with a giant tree, gnarled-looking with twisty branches and devoid of leaves. But the carving was intricate, delicate. I ran my fingers over one of the branches when I heard Julian’s bare feet on the wood floor. He had a glass of water in one hand and our clothes from the kitchen floor in the other hand. He tossed the clothing at the foot of the bed.
“That’s custom,” he said, walking over to the side of the bed I lay on.
“Tell me about it?” I asked, wrapping the tangled sheet around my upper body.
He sat on the edge of the bed next to me. “I found this wood near where we camped. Someone had just disposed of it, dumped it. It was a bunch of logs, so it may have been a camper who didn’t want to be weighed down with logs when he left, but I don’t know,” he shrugged, and seemed self-conscious. “I felt bad. This wood was supposed to serve a purpose and then its purpose was gone. It was just wood, dumped on the ground. And it was good quality too. So I carried it all back to my car and commissioned a local woodworking artist to make my headboard from it. He leveled all the logs together so it was flat and then started carving.” Julian brought his hand to rest on mine, tracing the carving with our fingers.
“Did you choose the design?”
“I can’t take credit for that. But I think he knew what I wanted. He told me he made the tree angry, angry for being cut from its life only to be discarded. But it’s still beautiful, the wood and the tree he carved. You just need to see the beauty in the ugliness. Or vice versa.”
“That sounds suspiciously like a metaphor.” I looked sideways at him.
“Because it is.” He regarded me for a moment, wanting the significance to sink in, before he handed me the glass of water he had set on the nightstand. I took a large sip before he took the cup from me and set it back down. “What are you in the mood to eat?”
I leaned back into the pillows while I contemplated. “What do you have? Or, more importantly, what are you capable of cooking in that construction zone?”
“I think I can manage some pizza. I have a couple in the freezer. And beers of course.”
“Yes and yes.”
Julian smiled and leaned forward, brushing a kiss over my lips. “I’ll be right back.”
I was jolted out a sleep and sat up straight in bed. My eyes had to adjust to the darkness as I realized I was still in Julian’s bed. I looked over and saw Julian next to me, sleeping peacefully.
What had interrupted my sleep?
A moment later, I heard my phone chiming from the kitchen. I’d left my purse there earlier.
Carefully, I pulled the sheet back and set my feet on the wood floor, warmed from the heat of the fireplace. At the foot of the bed, I picked up Julian’s tee and slipped it on, smelling sandalwood and Julian on the soft cotton.
I peeked at the bed and was reassured that I hadn’t disturbed Julian. He still slept peacefully, his face completely relaxed.
I padded quietly down the hallway to the kitchen and snagged my purse from the middle of the island. I pulled my phone out and glided my finger across the screen, waking it up.
I had four missed calls from Six. Just as I was about to dial him back, another call from him came through. Fear fell into my stomach.
I walked to the sliding glass door to the deck before answering.
“Hi,” I breathed.
“Where are you?”
I didn’t like the sound of his voice. “I’m at Julian’s home.”
“Yeah I know, I’m already in the town. What’s the address?”
I told it to him before I was full awake. “Wait, why?”
“I’m coming to get you. We need to get the hell out of Colorado. Now.”
My throat constricted and I reached a hand up to massage the fear free. “Why? What is going on?”
“He knows, Andra. Hawthorne knows where you are. And h
e knows about Rosa.”
“What?!” My voice rose several octaves from a whisper. “What do you mean, he knows?”
“He figured out that you were in Colorado. I don’t know how. But it’s only a matter of time before he figures out about Julian. And then what, Julian’s sisters? You weren’t his last victim, you know. You need to leave Colorado until we can get a handle on this. Before he gets too close. He’s on his way to the ranch now.”
I wasn’t his last victim? Six knew about Julian’s sisters? We needed to leave, right away? My mind was filled with questions. “Are you fucking kidding? We can’t just leave! What about Rosa? What about the ranch? No. No, Six.”
“ANDRA!” His anger was loud through the phone. I had to pull it away from my head, wincing at the volume.
I glanced at the house while my mind raced. It was information overload. I tugged my hair on my head with my free hand, hoping to relieve some frustration. “Julian won’t let me just leave.”
“Then you can’t tell him you’re leaving. Just leave a note or something, but tell him not to seek you out.”
I choked on grief. I couldn’t leave Julian. My stomach pitched and I leaned over the railing of the deck to vomit. Tears streaked my face.
“I have people on their way to the ranch. They’ll stay there. I’ve already talked to Rosa. It’s handled. You need to get out of there. I’m fifteen minutes away. How far is the house from the main road?”
I wiped the back of my hand over my mouth as I looked out into the trees, despair causing my tears to well up. I couldn’t imagine leaving now. My life had just shifted, my heart was beating a beat for someone else. Walking away would be cutting out all the good and leaving the bad.
“Andra. Focus. Name your colors if you need to.” Six’s voice was insistent, his patience wearing thin.
“It’s the middle of the night, goddamn it. Everything is black as fuck,” I growled.
“Good, work with that anger and get dressed. Now, how far are you from the main road?”
I stared out through the trees. “Half a mile, maybe.”
“Can you run?”
“I brought flip flops.”
I heard him sigh. “Well you’re going to have to run regardless. Get dressed. I’ll keep an eye out for you on the road. Hurry.” The phone went silent.
I breathed out a deep breath. A million things ran through my head, crowding my space to think. I pulled on my hair in frustration, squeezing my eyes tight. I needed to move.
I opened my eyes, saw I was wearing Julian’s shirt. I could work with this.
I quietly reentered the kitchen and tiptoed down the hall to his bedroom. He was still asleep.
I pulled my shorts on and tucked the shirt into them. I slid my feet in the flip flops and chanced a glance at Julian again. His face was so settled, his features relaxed in sleep. I bit my lip as the pain surfaced. I couldn’t write him a note. I couldn’t look at him without wanting to say “to hell with it all.” But that would be selfish in many ways. The Monster finding me would have a ripple effect to all of those who had come in contact with me over the years. It would negatively impact Rosa, possibly criminally, and definitely her business. It would bring negative press to Julian. And Six would definitely go to jail.
I turned away from the bed and walked into Julian’s closet, hoping for a sweatshirt. I found one and threw it on in the dark before grabbing my purse and leaving the bedroom. I felt like I was leaving a trail for Julian, leaving behind the pieces of me I wanted to share with him.
When I entered the kitchen, I heard a noise behind me. My heart stopped and I looked over my shoulder, towards the bedroom.
Julian’s feet came into view. “Andra?” he called out, his voice hoarse from sleep.
I hesitated for only a moment before I bolted out the door and ran, down the steps, across the yard, and into the trees.
My heart was actually aching, not from exertion, but from feeling. I knew tears streamed from my eyes, whipping into my air from the speed at which I ran.
“Andra!” his voice was loud and I knew he was on the deck. A sob wrenched, unwillingly, from my mouth and I clamped my hand over it as I stopped to catch my breath, leaning my back up against a tree, out of sight from Julian.
When I’d gained control of myself, I peeked around the tree and saw Julian running down the stairs, wearing tennis shoes. That gave him the advantage.
I started in a sprint, my arms pumping as I ran, harder than I’d ever ran before. I heard Julian call my name again, this time with fear wrapping his voice. It was harsh and broken, and though it pained me, it meant I was losing him in the darkness of the woods. I reached the road in record time and ran down it, to avoid Julian reaching the same spot and finding me waiting for Six. When I’d crossed the road into the tree cover on the other side, I pulled my phone out and dialed his number.
“Where are you?”
I was out of breath from the run, wheezing. “I’m hiding in the trees across the road from his house. Drive by and flash your lights and I’ll come out.”
There was silence on Six’s end, until I heard him rev his engine. “What do you mean you’re hiding?”
“Julian chased me.” I winced when Six blasted a stream of swear words. “Just hurry. I’ll keep running north.” I closed the phone and took off in the direction I hoped was north, taking care not to let Julian’s distant voice call me back to him. Oh, it hurt. The pain in his voice matched the pain in my heart, the pain I was trying so hard to push aside. My heart betrayed me, flashing images of Julian across my brain. I tried to focus on colors, but in the darkness all I could see was black and dark green.
After I’d run for ten minutes, I heard the purr of an engine approaching. The lights were flashing erratically, so I peeked out from the trees. The silver car stop abruptly in the road. The passenger door opened. “Get in.”
Six. I ran to the car, my muscles aching from running in flip flops on uneven ground. I slid into the passenger seat and closed the door.
“Seatbelt,” Six muttered before speeding off. I slid the seatbelt on. As my hand brushed the pocket of my shorts, I remembered I had my phone. I could send Julian a goodbye note that way.
When Six saw the phone in my hand, he rolled my window down from his side. “Toss it.”
“Not yet. One text. I didn’t get a chance to tell him not to pursue me.”
He held up one finger. “One, Andra. And then the phone is gone.” I nodded.
I opened up my phone and pulled up the thread of texts Julian and I had exchanged. I ran my fingers over the screen for a moment, wishing it was his skin instead. And then I composed my message.
Me: Julian. There is danger. You can’t return to the ranch for a little while. You have to pretend you never met me. Don’t look for me.
I paused before continuing, blinking back the tears that made my vision go fuzzy. Swallowing the lump that would more than likely permanently live in my throat from now on.
Me: This is so hard to type. I wanted to say goodbye to you, but I knew you’d never let me leave. You’d face this nightmare with me. But I can’t let you take this on too. You’ve given me too much already, and I want to give you something. I’m in love with you, Julian. Oh, do I love you. When you placed your hand on my chest tonight, my heart belonged to you. I want to figure this out and come back to you, if you’ll have me. I don’t know how long it will be, but I’ve left a part of myself with you – I will return to you. I’ll find you. I love you.
I pressed “Send” and waited until the message went through before I tossed the phone out the window and silently rolled the window back up.
I settled in for the drive, closing my eyes and turning my face away so Six wouldn’t be witness to the visible effects of my heart breaking.
October 16, 2010
My life was in another stage of before and after. After meeting Julian, after leaving the ranch. I missed the before. I missed it with each breath I took, inhaling a different air
.
I pushed my bare feet against the railing, which caused me to lean further back in my chair, balanced on only the two back legs, before I let my feet slide down, causing the chair to slam back on all four legs. After, I repeated the process. Over and over.
This was what I had been doing every single day. Sitting on the back deck of the lonesome little beach house, testing this thrift store chair’s limits waiting for…what, exactly?
I missed the big house, the warmth of the logs in the fire and the view from the large picture windows. I missed the horses, I missed Dylan, and I missed Waffle Wednesdays. I missed my little cabin, my collection of cast iron, my bookshelves. I missed Oscar and Clint and even Farley. I missed Rosa. Oh God, did I miss Rosa. I missed her cooking, her warmth, her laughter.
And when I am not trying to distract myself with the colors I’m surrounded with – white, yellow, blue, green - I miss Julian. My breath still catches in my chest when I think of him, of how I left. That lump hasn’t left my throat. It’s anguish, and it lives in my throat, choking me when I think of him. And I think of him all the time.
The change in my surroundings had changed only the location of my body, my breath. My life itself was thousands of miles away in a small Colorado town. When the anguish was especially unbearable, I imagined Julian lying under the stars the way I showed him, whispering prayers the same time I did. It brought me some comfort, knowing that the same sky covered us.
Now that I was thousands of miles away, I realized that there was only one thing I truly feared. And it lived on repeat in my nightmares, which no longer consisted of the Monster, but of the moment I walked away from my life.
In a way, it was a good thing. My fear of the Monster was eradicated. In fear’s absence, rage took up residence, churning in my stomach whenever I thought of all the choices he’d taken from me, again. He was no longer a Monster; he was just Hawthorne. Hawthorne the murderer, abuser, vile human. He was nothing and everything at the same time. And I wanted to kill him.
He Found Me Page 21
