Renia's Diary
Page 8
DECEMBER 25, 19409
It was your birthday yesterday, Buluś. This was the second birthday of yours we didn’t spend together. When will this torture finally end, when?! My longing gets stronger, I feel worse and worse. Sometimes it feels so terrible, I feel so empty that it’s like my life is almost over—when, in fact, my life is just beginning. I can’t see anything ahead of me. There’s nothing, just suffering and fighting, and it’s all going to end in defeat. I laugh during the daytime, but it’s just a mask, it’s like an oblivion (people don’t like tears), but now I think that you, my Mama, are so far away, that you live in a ghetto, that you are unhappy and that I can’t help you, because I’m not even ready for life myself. That’s what Krela says.
Today there was a rehearsal for a variety show at Irka’s. I’ve written couplets. I also take part in the show. Krela knows so much, she knows the whole of Europe, speaks so many languages. She’s very clever, intelligent and swell. She told the boys that they’re not ready for life and then she mentioned the girls too. Irka’s mother said that Irka would manage all right in life. Irka is so smart! Krela said that Maryśka Filagrowicz is the sweetest girl in the school. I barely know her. And the smartest and most well-read boy is Zygu! Him again. It’s always like that—I may think he doesn’t matter to me, but he surreptitiously crosses my path again and I go crazy for him again. I suffer terribly. I keep crying all the time, because I’m in love.
Oh, Maciek keeps paying me compliments and saying lots of other things (which he says to everybody), but that’s something completely different. And Waldek is yet another story altogether. When it comes to moments like this, no boys matter to me and I’m left with Zygu … Him again … “You need to wait patiently, God willing, you will meet.” Yes, but when? God, why not now? If You want to bring us together, will it be a long time from now? Will our hearts, filled with bitterness, regret and longing, survive this? And what if one of them breaks? Then the other one’ll die too. Lord God, please, help!!!
DECEMBER 28, 1940, SUNDAY*
Am I a sinner? Yes! Because even when I’m supposedly close to something, my nature intervenes and stops me from going and … that’s it … It just so happens—could it be any better? Zygu is going to be in the variety show! In fact, he and I are going to be in the same scene. It was so wonderful when Krela said, “Spiegel and Schwarzer would be best for that” and … (what do I care about the rest). So we’re reading from the same page. Irka says he listened admiringly when I sang couplets (I thought the opposite, but oh well!).
Then we went to school. It so happened that Luśka dragged him out, but Irka was cleverer and as a result I walked with him arm in arm. First he waited for me to grab him, but I was too embarrassed, so he took my hand, ah! It felt like my hand didn’t quite belong to me. Or it did, but it felt completely different from my other hand. Some very nice shivers went up and down it, so nice that ah…! Earlier, when he was standing there reading his part, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his wonderful red lips, I’m embarrassed to admit.
At school he suggested I should sit next to him and it would be great! If only … If only what happened today didn’t happen. Because today, damn it, I blushed so badly. (Damn it! To hell with such nature!) Then he sat next to me, mumbled something and said to Luśka that he didn’t know anything about her and that we were together onstage. And I, what an idiot, I messed it all up, because I removed myself. I made him angry at me, forced him to start talking to Luśka to spite me. What’s more, he threatened that he wouldn’t take part in it. “Do you hear, Rena?” And I told him that I didn’t care! What can I do that I’m so stupid?!!!
DECEMBER 29, 1940
Today again! I’ve just been to a rehearsal. He was wonderful. He said that nobody sings cabaret songs like I do and that he didn’t realize I was so talented. We talked and talked, he was so wonderful and lovely, my divine Zygu!
DECEMBER 31, 194010
New Year’s Eve! We put on the variety show. I was very popular. Backstage, Zygu took my cape off and untangled my hair. When the dancing started, I quickly left. They really wanted me to stay. Poldek, Rysiek, Julek and Tusiek. But I didn’t want to stay and that was that. Zygo’s so wonderful, divine, so charming. It was all so exciting; I told Norka everything. But she and Maciek aren’t so close anymore, so she envies me. I feel sorry for her. Oh! I’m not surprised at all and I really understand her. Do you remember how terrible I felt for the same reason? Now she feels like that. She even cried, poor kitten. I would have perhaps stayed a bit longer to watch, but I left because of her.
When I was about to leave, Zygu ran up to me and asked if I would go to a party with him tomorrow. I told him that I don’t dance, but he went on something about getting an invite and Jara said, “Yes, yes, she does dance.” So I’m going. I am, why not, after all I told him that I might not dance. Aha! Wait, a day before yesterday at a rehearsal he invited me to go with him to drawing lessons with the XB class. So we went, but we had to leave quickly. Aha! I am a vidminna,* I was the only one who had everything, etc. Aha!
What else? Today is the last day of 1940. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new year, which will bring new regrets, new laughter (perhaps), new worries, new struggles. My dearest wish is to get my poor beloved Mama back. I also wish for good political relations and for “something” with Zygu. Let it be like I have described it in the final of our variety show:
Be gone, worries, tears and upheaval
Let all be carefree and good humored
So, good night and let’s hope winter isn’t evil
That’s what we wish you, rest assured.
Just remember, don’t be chancing
Start the New Year in full joy
With singing, laughter and dancing
Take the first step, don’t be coy.
I want this new year to be cheerful and happy. Nice to all in the world and to me as well.
Take all in kind embraces
Let it be friendly and warm all round
Paint happiness on people’s faces
Call them into the future with a cheery sound
Let them walk briskly through life
With love for it and with real zest
And let my dreams come true, don’t strive
That’s more than gold, that’s the best.
The last day of 1940. The last page in the diary. I’ll greet the new year on a new page.
JANUARY 1, 1941, WEDNESDAY
I went to the party. It went wonderfully well, it couldn’t have gone any better, I think. I danced with everybody. Mostly with Poldek and Zygu! Do you hear it? I hope the whole year goes as nicely as today’s party! Zygu talked so much; he was so charming. We didn’t dance too well, but it was so sweet. “It’s my fault,” “I knew you would come,” “Pity the lights are so bright,” etc. And when Irka said at the end that she was hoarse, he announced, “Rena’s hoarse too.” Hooray! “The first step always matters the most.” I’ll go to parties from now on.
JANUARY 3, 1941, FRIDAY
It was only the day before yesterday! And I am going crazy as if I haven’t seen him for a year. The closer we get the more I feel I love him. For example today I’ve been trembling since the morning. Every time I think of that evening, I’m gripped by something I’ve never felt before.
So how was the party? Everything was sweet. What was the best moment? Was it when he spoke to me while we were dancing? Or when he draped his arm around me as I stumbled in a waltz? Or when he smiled wonderfully and asked, “Rena, why are you running away from me?” Or when he led me gently by the arm after each dance? He smelled so amazing! And when he touched me … brrr … ah … so great! So sweet, so good! We sat and talked together. What an evening.
And Poldek likes me too? But I didn’t know he liked me so much. He was adamant about seeing me today; he keeps walking me home, annoying me. In fact I didn’t say goodbye to anybody, but Zygu approached me and made a special effort to say goodbye. I can barely contain myself.
/> Today we’ve had a terrible blizzard; it’s been snowing all day long. But I’d walk through any blizzard, snowstorm, hurricane, downpour with him—as long as we were together. My wonderful, my golden boy, my lover. I have to finish a paper to turn in tomorrow, but I just want to see Zygu. I’m going crazy. And at the same time I don’t want to see him, because I’m so scared that something will go wrong, that this wonderful, sweet, fragrant memory will get spoiled.
JANUARY 5, 1941, SUNDAY
And? Didn’t I say it was better not to see him? I was so regretful, but tough. It always so happens that when you love somebody, you tease them. The greetings were sweet, but then he didn’t dance with me, he sat there fuming, in a bad mood, but tough, after all (oh, God) love can (i.e., must!!!) sulk too. Today I’m in bed; I’m unwell. Oh, I so hope that everything pans out well!! Please, Great One! I find evidence of his liking even in anger.
A 16-YEAR-OLD
When you’re 16 years old
you dearly love the whole world
with all its parties, pranks and jokes
and especially with your favorite folks.
When you hide your crumpled diary
from your mother’s strict inquiries.
When you sing love songs
Then you are 16 years old.
JANUARY 8, 1941, WEDNESDAY
All is well again, or even better than that. Irka insists that Zygu’s in love with me. He said he would fight a duel with Poldek over me. That’s because Poldek is head over heels in love with me. He came here once when I was ill.
Zygu didn’t want to go to the movies when he found out I wasn’t coming. And today he said he would go and I would go, so perhaps we might manage to go together? I was planning to go to a match (because Zygu plays and he invited me and asked through Irka to come). I made arrangements with Irka, but on my way back from the post office, I turned around and somebody said, “Rena, where have you been? Aren’t you ashamed to be ill? You have really high wellington boots and you still caught a cold? Come with me to the match.” Come and come. And I couldn’t go, because, damn it, I made arrangements with Irka. He also said this and that; he was sweet, wonderful. For example he said he’d go on the pitch first, because he didn’t want me to see it, etc. etc.
Zygu won the match and I congratulated him. I wasn’t able to contain my worry that he might be joining the army. And Zygu? Zygu was very happy about it. Then we walked together, cracked jokes, teased each other like lovers do (or so I thought). And tomorrow? I’ll see him at the match! I’ll tell you more.
JANUARY 9, 1941, THURSDAY
Today … Oh, I’m even scared to say it—I went to the match. Nothing special happened. (Just once a ball hit my wonderful, dear Zygu on the jaw; it was so bad he crouched down in pain. My poor darling. I was very worried.) But after the match! Ooooh! We walked together and I told him that I was very upset during the match. He asked, “Why?” I said, “Just because.” He persisted, “But why?” I said, “I was just upset. Let me be.” “Spit it out.” He simply wanted me to say, “Because you were playing.”
Irka was walking in front of us with Genek, but Zygu arranged it so that we split. Finally alone! And what did fate have in store for us? Fate wanted us to see Arianka on the ice. We went down to the ice and the pipsqueak wouldn’t give up and joined us. But Zygu didn’t say anything. He was upbeat the whole time, mumbling something in Yiddish and asking why he hadn’t seen me the other year. And he asked when we could go to the movies and this and that.
Naturally Giza saw me in town and she pulled the stupidest face. Then Poldek saw us too and naturally he wouldn’t leave us alone.
Zygu is planning to study medicine and he said, “Rena, what are we going to do next year? You’ll come to Lwów and we’ll study together.” Hooray! Hooray! Zygu is a wonderful boy and he says such sweet things! If only Mom were here—I could easily count these days as my happiest so far. (He’s only just slightly naughty, not like other boys, who are vulgar.)
JANUARY 10, 1941, FRIDAY
I love him, I’m crazy for him! I haven’t seen him all day long today. It drives me mad. If he goes to the party at the Socialist Club tomorrow, I’ll go too.
Irka gave me an elephant. She blew on it for good luck for me and Zygu. Let it be so!
JANUARY 12, 1941, SUNDAY
What shall I tell you? I feel so strange; it’s all so hard and so sickening … As if there were pawns moving around us, as if there was a pair of black eyes shining in the dark.
I saw him today, we even walked together in town, but it was because of Irka, it was her doing. Then he walked me home, admittedly on his own accord, but again, it was thanks to Irka that we were left alone. We both felt weary. He was quite polite, but it felt like he wanted to stay with Irka.
Yes, presently I am in such a state that I can barely hold a pen in my hand. I don’t know what’s being said to me, I forget everything, I don’t write and at night I just lie in bed with my eyes wide open and think … think … Mama, I’d so like to cry my eyes out with you. Mama! Mama! Come!
A net of interlacing cords
A brown ball bouncing up and down
A whistle …
And many arms stretched out
A rumble as if walls were coming down
One circle full of colors
Fans are in uproar and they scream,
“Not true,” “Crazy referee,” “Go”
Out, service—and another whistle
The ball bounces—that’s a match, I know!!!
I can’t even mention Zygu. I feel faint, it’s so terrible … Mama! Help me!
JANUARY 14, 1941, TUESDAY
I delivered a paper today. Finally. Everybody liked it, the room was very quiet, everybody was enthralled. Krela then said something, but in fact she didn’t have anything to add.
It was quite sweet with Zygu today; he congratulated me afterward. But no matter, he said, “Rena, what do you think? I have my draft card.” He read something out to me and, because I didn’t understand what it meant, he said, “Am I married?” He laughed and then we walked arm in arm upstairs. A surprise awaited me there. They wanted me to become the president of the literary club. They started shouting, “Spiegel girl!” and one after another they nominated me. Zygu nominated me too. We voted and naturally I had the biggest amount of votes. And when Krela asked who they wanted to be the president, they all shouted that it was me. But that wasn’t important. Zygu was nice, pulled faces at me and when Krela was speaking we were almost in stitches … And all would have been well, we would have been alone etc., but unfortunately one guy from IXA wouldn’t leave me be. Zygu was furious and so was I. Zygu suddenly said goodbye, mumbled something and left … What a shame! Well, let’s hope there’ll be another chance … for us to be finally alone.
JANUARY 17, 1941, SATURDAY*
I’ve been ill for three days now. I’m struggling terribly with this poem. Oh, what a tough birth, as my sweet Mama says. I have a plan, oh! I have just got two letters from my dear Mama. I’m so happy, God! She wants to come, my wonderful, sweet, good Mama. She might come, I hope it will all pan out.
It’s been a good day today. Today Arianka has started the fifth grade. A letter from Mama. Kasia might be back. What will Irka and Norka say about … (about whom?).
JANUARY 21, 1941, WEDNESDAY†
Ah, wonderful Wednesday! It was Wednesday then too. I seem to be lucky with Wednesdays.
Long live every Wednesday
good humor and fair play
Long live, in all the truth
everything about youth
about carefree laughter
about hope with no restraint
which always takes you after
to parties, no complaint
to dates and walks in town
for cakes and to entertain
and even home, when in your gown
those words you make on the windowpane
the arrows and those letters
&nbs
p; the word that in your diary
blushes in red and is allowed
the one you always carry
the one that always rings aloud
So long live every Wednesday
good humor and fair play
Long live, above all
everything that’s called love.
The party was on Wednesday and today … Make a guess, because I’m breathless. Words want to jump out of my throat. So today … Zygu came to visit me. He came, he was sweet, lovely. He looked at me, all the time hypnotizing me with his eyes. I didn’t pretend to be unhappy. He spent so much time with me and said so much. The most important thing was that when Maciek asked, “Who has the most beautiful eyes?” Zygu went sheepish (and so did I), then he (my wonderful one) blushed and said, “Rena.” Maciek winked at me, said loads of things in relation to love. And Zygu was sheepish.
My writing is bad today, because I have German measles. That’s why Maciek, Poldek and Zygu came for a visit. Poldek, I know it, is very much in love with me. Maciek, as I know, likes me a lot too and Z is a mystery, a Sphinx.
He is an Apollo
with his stature, his skin
so brown and smooth
He is a Sphinx
with his impenetrable eyes
hiding an uncouth mystery, I think