Renia's Diary

by Renia Spiegel

  Blood pumps, spring is about

  And spring makes hearts open

  It makes them grow and swell and sprout

  eyes shine, the world dissolves into laughter

  lips, breasts, hips enlarge

  Spring is lavish, spring gives freely

  Doesn’t spare anything, by and large

  Lips and eyelids kisses silly

  Refreshes with sweet caresses

  Spring’s coming, be ready for its excesses

  I want this power to seize me, to lift me

  I want to write lopsided verses

  Clumsy and savage, raunchy as can be

  It simply must be so

  I feel my blood boiling

  I feel my heart beat faster

  Spring storms are broiling

  I want wind and bluster

  I want my face slapped

  Hit me, beat me, poison, torture

  Bite me, throttle, kiss me, strap

  Hellish power inside me’s surging

  So tie me up, be like a tyrant

  Curb this force that is in me

  ’Cause I toss and turn in crisis

  my blood shouts like some banshee

  You have to overpower me

  Or I will overtake you

  You see, just look, this is still nothing. I find some wild, sadistic pleasure in people saying, “Rena is seeing Z.” People talk about it at school, but I’d like to write something so indecent … and then find pleasure in it … I’m ashamed … God, help me again and you, Buluś, please, make those people be right in what they say. Give me courage.

  FEBRUARY 18, 1941

  Oh, what a wonderful, happy day! I don’t think Z was ever as wonderful as today. I met him on the stairs. He said to me, “My poppet, my sweetness” etc. We spent the whole break standing on the stairs. So stupid. Ah, he really didn’t see me in town, because he asked me where I was then. Girls from the 8th grade passing by said, “Aaah!” Zygu burst out laughing and said we should go somewhere else.

  It’s really hard, you have to understand that I can’t even describe it in words. It should be written on a blue sky with spring fantasies, sighs and whatever ticks, whatever vibrates inside …

  He was supposed to get me Kordian.* And he tried. We sang something for fun at the club. He said I would be his mascot during matches. (Do I really have eyes like Valentino—big, blue, burning? What is he saying?) And even though he left early, I, for the first time, am feeling something. Touch wood, it’s true. It’s something and nothing, but still. I heard Jerzyk saying, “I have a feeling that a new couple is forming at school.” Not sure if it was about us, but perhaps … Let’s hope so. God, God and my wonderful Buluś, keep me in Your thoughts, now and forever.

  FEBRUARY 19, 1941, WEDNESDAY

  You know, I’m starting to believe. At school he behaves in such a way—I absolutely cannot describe to you how it is. We walked along the corridor together, he asked me to recite a poem, so sweet! Dziunka saw me. And when Kubrakiewicz approached us and started saying something about my eyes, something, something, Zygu added his bit too. Suddenly old Kubrakiewicz shouted, “See how he’s looking at her? He’s flirting with her! But no matter. Nice couple!” If Kubrakiewicz realized that, then something must be the matter, though he’s quick with those things. But if this old, wizened Aunt Józka noticed something in the red corner, even though it was nothing special … Ah, after Kubrakiewicz’s announcement Zyguś went terribly sheepish and said, “I’m embarrassed.”

  Aha, and then the poem, the poem, this and that … Today I wrote in Ewa’s diary on the same page as Z, the same one. And I drew a heart. Tra la la! How he was excusing himself for his untidy writing in Ewa’s diary!

  In the evening we walked together and this Tadek constantly wanted to be next to me, but I and Nora outfoxed him. Z and I stayed behind, walking together, just the two of us and it was wonderful, simply wonderful!! “Sweetheart” and smiles and looks and “Renusia, study maths” etc.; can’t even list it all. He was supposed to go home, but he walked me, and when I left for Irka’s, he turned around and went straight home—he was gone a moment later. What matters is how he said goodbye—he shook my hand and held it awhile (as is typical for him), and then he did this … strangely, intuitively I sensed it … I didn’t know what it meant … I asked Ariana and she knew. It means, it is, eh!—it’s a calling. I don’t know if he did it by accident? Have I imagined it? Have I? Because I know that Z’s not vulgar or anything. Or perhaps, perhaps this is just a mask, perhaps this liking is all pretend?

  Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps

  Who can really tell

  Help me see through cracks

  Mama and You, God, as well!

  It’s so sweet, so good, so light and strange.

  FEBRUARY 20, 1941, THURSDAY

  I’ve been dreaming about Mama all night long. Together with Zygu we were rescuing her, looking for her in Warsaw. And today I remembered all those painful, burning things, so … be quiet. When it comes to it, it’s not quite working and it’s partially his and partially my fault. Let’s hope things get sorted by Saturday!! I’m worried about the weekend; things always go wrong then. Help me, God Almighty. Help me, my one and only true friend, my wonderful, distant and close Mama …

  FEBRUARY 21, 1941, FRIDAY

  So far today all is well (only everybody keeps calling me “Mrs. Schwarzer”). He was so cute, shaved, handsome. Today, but … what about tomorrow???

  I have four rivals already. But please, God, and you, my wonderful Mama, you love me and understand me, please make tomorrow be … be … be … good. And let me tell you all about it. I have such terrible stage fright!!

  FEBRUARY 22, 1941, SATURDAY

  I had stage fright, but perhaps it wasn’t worth it. But still. A bow in the cloakroom, a handshake in the classroom and Balladina,* then again, after the break and then in the corridor in the morning. Exactly. The two of us stood there and I can only imagine what we looked like—everybody was looking at us. Eda approached us (his former love) and I, stupidly, like some idiotic moron, went beetroot red! Zygu laughed his head off! Damn it! Stupid blushing …

  I went to the match, I got in when he was changing, so I apologized, but he just grabbed me, like only he can, he grabbed my chin with both his hands and asked about my hairdo. Later I went to school on my own without saying goodbye. Strange enough! At school Zygu was reproachful because of my running away. During the rehearsal it got very nice, finally. It’s not possible to describe it; you need to feel it in every single nerve in your body. And remember that we sat together all this time, and we walked and walked, just the two of us, and that he was hell-bent on going to the concert and this and that … at 9 p.m., and then he didn’t want to and made plans to go to a party and when we were standing there, I lowered my head over my watch and our foreheads met. I think his hand trembled a bit when we were saying goodbye. He held my hand for a long time … for so long … and then he did it again (or so I think) … But it might all be just for show, oh! Perhaps it’s nothing. After all he would sooner say something ambiguous in the presence of Irka and … No. Buluś, I’m going through a spiritual tragedy. Let’s hope to God it ends well! Lord, please give me back my Mama. Mama, come and help me!!!

  It hurts like searing heat

  Wild jealousy is eating me

  It jerks me, it wrenches hard

  Like some sharp, rough shard

  Listen—spring is near

  And I’m more and more jealous here

  I squirm and writhe, I’m hyper

  Why did you give me this viper?

  to grab my peace from me?

  to torment me, eat me, see?

  to make me swear like a sailor?

  I can taste jealousy’s flavor

  Oh, all those sleepless nights

  All those thoughts and dreams alight

  Stifling words—unsaid

  Burning tears—unshed

  All the teasing, taunting torments


  I’m so jealous right this moment

  because I love to a crazy extent!!!

  Perhaps when rivers flow wide

  With a turbulent and raging tide

  Perhaps when the orchard glistens in the distance

  Morning dawn’ll embrace me, give assistance

  And when clouds in pink will fly

  And roll down from the azure sky

  Your eyes’ll shine for me

  My black-eyed prince!

  Perhaps when sun glimmers

  With hot, blinding shimmers

  Or when night descends

  Filled with spring’s stifling scent

  And when birds’ joyous screaming

  In the empty valley go a-ringing

  Your lips will touch me

  My red-lipped prince!

  Perhaps like a flower that declined

  leaving the memory of its smell behind

  You will also soon be gone casually

  I’ll be left with longing and waiting and a fantasy …

  No! No! No! Mama, no!

  FEBRUARY 23, 1941

  I’m so very tired. So just quickly. At night I get up, sure that Zygu is next to me. I start shaking him, calling, “Zygu! Zygu!” But it was Arianka, who was scared and came to me. War! Field games at war—together all the time—Zygu throws himself onto his back in the present and yells, “Rena, down!” and then we walk together. Rysiek screams, “Rena has a crush on you, Zygu!” Zygu mumbles something under his breath, “Stop it.” We’re having a party tomorrow! Ah, my second one. You know, I have terrible stage fright. I’m scared of everything. Will I have a good time? Will Zygu dance with me? Will “something” happen?

  Damn it, this idiot Nacek has a thing for Lidka, that’s all we need. Nora is down. Poor her, I was hoping things would work out in the end, but now … Nora bet it all on the party, but Lidka’ll be there too.

  Norka! I hope you don’t get disappointed! Z and M and the rest tease her. But this Nacek, this stupid, presumptuous, horrible brat … If it were me, I would smack him on the face angrily. What a great, smug piece of S.

  Irka’s Feluś is sweet and Irka is great (my matchmaker). And Irka’s Feluś, though far away, keeps kissing her on the pages of her diary.

  I will write when … oh, it’ll be so long (or perhaps never), when … I’m worried about tomorrow’s party. Mama, help me, send me your blessings, bring your little daughter back to life. God, Buluś, please, help me! Help me!

  FEBRUARY 24, 1941, MONDAY (SECOND PARTY!!!)

  Oh! Ah! Eh! I’m so terribly tired. But I definitely have enough energy to tell you what I want to tell you. Mom! Mama dear, if only I could tell you everything, every single thing, and kiss you and get your advice and tell you everything. You’d surely understand me, you’d be happy for your daughter who is so … well … (“let sleeping dogs lie”) … contented.

  At school—nothing; then—yes; then the party. I danced with Zygu the whole time, my wonderful, one and only, sweet-smelling Zygu. Roma, my rival number four, was there as well and suddenly she said, “Look, he is dancing with her for the seventh time. If he takes it to 10, I’m leaving.” Zygu laughed and told me that Roma was still there and added, “Now she can count to 20.” And there were a lot of pleasantries apropos this. Then he bought me a bagel in the canteen and put it in my mouth in such a sweet gesture … Then, when Maciek said, “This is Zygu’s love for one night,” Zygu immediately consoled me, saying, “No, that’s not true.” And he pulled such a sweet face saying this. Everybody, even a blind person, could see that something was the matter when we danced together. One thing though—I was terribly jealous (even though he danced with the others only three, four times). But he called Irka “sweetheart” and she took him under the arm after their dance (I sometimes walk with him that way too). Zyguś called Elza “Elzuś” and asked her jokingly to sit in his lap. When our hands got sweaty in the dance, we held each other by our elbows. Wonderful, wonderful Zyguś. Of course I’m now called “Mrs. Schwarzer” all the time. Even in front of Zygu.

  We walked arm in arm from the party, with Irka on the other side. It was sweet, but it could’ve been better … no! I’m sinning by saying this; it was great, thank You, God! I could see from the beginning that he wanted to ask me, but Poldek was faster and asked Nora. Oh, Nora, poor Norka, it was terrible! Nacek and Lidka flirted with each other. She was in a bad mood, didn’t dance (Zygu, when he saw she was not having fun, even sent Julek—he’s that nice).

  Poor Nora, it was a tragic evening for her. She just told me, “You are so happy.” (No, I shouldn’t sin by being jealous or anything. Zygu walked me home on his own and even though he didn’t … he was always sweet, polite and good.)

  Norka, I’m so sorry for her, I’m so very sorry, she left without saying goodbye before the end of the party. I’ve heard Nacek saying that she was sitting there on her own, so he asked her out of pity! He’s horrible! Maciek also said that Nora didn’t have a good time. Even this W. didn’t ask her, since she said no. It is better to stay on friendly terms with everybody after all.

  Something’s going on between Irka and Maciek again. But I don’t want to be jealous of Irka, she wishes me well. Though not as much as you do, my Mama, not like You, good God! Thank You so much and please keep helping me …

  Around! Around! Stars shine brightly

  Take me strongly by the hand

  Let them play wild music, lightly

  Let dance pull us deep into its land

  Until death in waltz embraces

  Dancing, waltzing left and right

  Like at a party, at other places

  All of life is fun, a delight

  Let’s dance lightly, smoothly, swiftly

  Let’s dance fiercely with panache

  All life, on floors silver, shiny, shifty

  Let the house be a ballroom afresh

  To forget about the world that’s small

  To flash into the realm of night, sun bright

  Nothing matters, I’m dancing with you after all

  this waltz with no end, no end in sight

  FEBRUARY 25, 1941, TUESDAY

  Zyguś! My wonderful! Wonderful! Wonderful! He came to the classroom looking for me, my dear “pet!” We stood in the corridor (while Roma was cussing me in her classroom), then I shared my wafers with him. He put a piece into my mouth. And he said to Irka, “Rena is in the foreground,” so he lent me his copy of Balladina. And this and that. “Rena, you are under a bad influence.” His, of course. Then, “Renusia” and he almost whacked Rysiek for flirting with me. Aha! But that’s not all! I still have a hum in my ears after the party—play, fanfare!! Irka told me that Zygu stood with her in the corridor and said, “Rena is so pretty” and when she asked him if he had a good time, he said, “And what do you think?” and “Who did Rena come for?’” And when Irka told him, that I came to have a good time, he laughed with disbelief! I’ll see him tonight at 6 p.m. Mama, dear, it’s so good to be in love. Lord God, please, let things continue, please …

  Let’s spread our arms out wide

  Let’s walk through life with joy and pride

  Let our song reverberate

  Let our tears dry at a quick rate

  Let’s have a ring of cheer inside

  With a scarlet banner of love let us stride

  Arm in arm, together, two of us folks

  (the world will vibrate with our jokes)

  Let the world become a garden

  Let spring last and never darken

  Such joy in our souls, in us, ever after!

  Let’s walk through life with lots of laughter

  Two of us, we will always cheer

  We will throw the word high in the air

  We will spark hot bronze and steel

  Listen to love, feel what we feel

  He stood in the corridor, reading the poem, and he said, “This is Rena’s poem.” Maciek told me this.

  Nora’s really low right now.<
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  FEBRUARY 26, 1941, WEDNESDAY

  I shouldn’t doubt him anymore. Didn’t he ask me today, so sweetly, if I was going to the club? Didn’t he come only because I was going, too? Didn’t he carry my schoolbag and help me down the stairs? Didn’t he wait outside the school? When I shared my halva with him, he said that he couldn’t have it, but then took a piece without asking—it was so intimate, so nice. He took the page with the homework. But do you know what I like thinking of most? I don’t know why, but I like recalling this sweet moment when my Zygu bought me a bagel and put a piece of it into my mouth. Because, you know, you understand, that apart from sweetness, there was something so … masculine about it … so husband-like. Oh, this scene, I remember it.

  You know why I never draw him? Because I can’t make him beautiful enough; because I’m scared, not able to. Perhaps I’ll get a photo? Maybe, Zyguś mentioned it once.

  For now they tease us, they make fun. I’m sorry, but … let’s hope they’ll have a basis for it soon …

  God, Mama, thank you! Help! So, so much …

  I’m so happy he isn’t like Nacek! No! I can’t stand it anymore. Even though I have homework to do, I need to tell you. I thought that was all for today, but … Irka came with Zygu! With Zygu, do you hear me? We sat together for three hours or so, then out to town. Zygu wanted to go for a walk and Irka wanted to go home. To which my wonderful Zyguś said, “Up to Rena.” Then we were on our own. A ha ha ha!

  I have a photo, two photos—stolen, but still. When they asked him who he was in love with, Zygu said with me (he was standing behind me). Ah! Oh! Ah! I’m so happy … I’m feeling silly, affectionate and strange. When we were finally going back, I told him I took the photo and Zygu said, “But I wanted to give you a different one, larger, prettier. In my opinion it’s disrespectful to give you a photo like this one!” Isn’t he wonderful? You don’t know, you can’t know it, but I’m ready to burst, I’m exploding, yeah! Look! Look! Look! He’s so wonderful! Admire him all day long and all night long, just like I do. Mama and You, wonderful God, lead me …