To The Woman He Loves

by Theresa Hodge

  My head tilted to the side as he talked about the luxuries he was bestowing on our children. He’d never talked to them like that before. Before, what was his was ours, but now he’s doing us a fucking favor?

  I also noticed he didn’t include me in his apology. That’s because what he was offering was a lame, half-assed excuse for not being home. The fortune his grandmother left him was big enough to run a small country, so just who did he think he was fooling?

  I sat down at the table and lost my appetite for the meal I so lovingly prepared for my family. The reset button for us was getting further and further from my reach.

  Then, I thought about how I pushed Ronan away for almost two months. I wasn’t completely innocent in the direction that our marriage was heading. I set aside my doubts about Ronan and thought about doing something that could bring us closer together.

  “Ronan, I’ve been thinking that we should take a family trip soon. You know, get away from the whole scene here and refresh our minds, hearts, and our bodies,” I said suggestively. “We can take the children to Disney World, or something, and then on a separate trip, you and I can get a cabin for a weekend getaway in Tennessee,” I said, imagining being renewed again with my husband. I could see us cuddled up in a cabin making love like our lives depended on it.

  “I won’t be able to take time off for a trip, Ruby. There are too many projects coming up at the office that I have to be an integral part of. It is imperative that I not miss time at work right now,” he said skipping our usual dinner prayer and taking a bite out of the roasted chicken.

  “Daddy are you still going to take Benedict and me to Jungle Island?” Yasmine asked with a hopeful expression on her face.

  “I don’t know,” he said in an exasperated voice. “Is it too much to ask to let me enjoy my meal in peace without a whole lot of damn questions?” he bellowed out.

  “Ronan!” I said absolutely shocked by his behavior towards our children. He had never been as short tempered with them as he was then. In the not so distant past, he’d always have long, encouraging conversations with them, as well. “What has gotten in to you?” I asked as Yasmine burst into tears.

  She stood from the table with tears streaming down her little face and ran up the stairs to her room. Her bedroom door slammed behind her.

  “May I be excused, Mama?” Benedict asked me with a fearful look towards his father. His eyes began to well up with unshed tears.

  “Yes, baby. For this time only, you can carry your plate up to your room and finish it. I will bring your glass of milk up for you in a moment,” I said rising from the table. I glared angrily at my husband.

  His head was bent into his plate like he didn’t have a care in the world. He continued to shove food into his mouth like a ravenous animal. I shook my head at his behavior.

  “What the hell has gotten into you, Ronan?”

  “I just asked if I could eat my dinner in peace. Now, can I…please?” he said nastily.

  “Fine!” I tossed my dinner in the trash and threw the plate in the sink. I followed Benedict’s path upstairs and went to comfort our daughter as best I could.

  Ronan was left alone, just like I assumed he wanted to be. Maybe with us all out the kitchen, he could rejoice in his peace and quiet without any interruptions from his wife and kids.

  Chapter 22

  Ruby

  I wanted to figure out what I could do to make us whole again. I figured part of Ronan’s frustration stemmed from lack of intimacy when I was going through my treatments. Now that I could, I wanted to be there for him in every way that he desired.

  But first, I had to check his disrespect.

  Intimacy or no intimacy, there was no way he could keep talking to me, and now my kids, any kind of way.

  When I walked out the shower later that evening, I saw Ronan adjusting his jacket. He was just about to walk out of our bedroom door, fully dressed in a Lindon V-neck tee and a pair of slim fit jeans.

  “Where are you going at this late hour, Ronan? Don’t you think we need to talk about what happened at dinner?” I asked, surprised that he was up and dressed to go out on a work night. “And were you going to just leave without telling me?”

  “What’s this twenty questions?” he said, seeming aggravated when he turned around and looked me up and down.

  I had a beige towel wrapped around my head with a few loose curls hanging and another loosely fitted beige towel wrapped my body. Before I left the bathroom, I’d massaged sweet smelling body oils into my caramel colored skin, so my hue was glistening in the aftermath.

  “Listen, I’m an adult and the man of this house. I can get dressed and leave any time I please,” he said when his eyes left my body and traveled up to meet my eyes.

  “I know you are not going to play the ‘I’m grown’ card on me. How old are you now, Ronan? I know you are indeed an adult, but you are still my husband and I deserve to have my question answered. Where are you about to go?”

  “It’s Thursday night and I’m not about to sit around here and watch you sleep all night. I’m going to the bar for a couple of beers and to watch the game with the fellas, Ruby.”

  “A bar is no place for you to be, when you have to get up and go to work in the morning,” I said. “And not to mention it’s no place for you to be, when you have a wife and kids at home.”

  “You didn’t have a problem with it a few weeks ago.”

  “Ronan, I want you to stay home with me tonight. We need to talk.”

  “I won’t be out too late,” he said brushing what I said off.

  “It’s already too fucking late to leave home, Ronan,” I said making a note that it was past ten p.m. already.

  “I’m just going to have a couple of drinks and I’ll be right back,” he said waving my suspicions away.

  “I don’t know what the hell you are doing or who you’re doing it with, but this is getting way out of order!” I said, as frustration took over me. I yanked my head wrap off and walked over to my vanity and started combing through my hair. In the mirror, I could see Ronan’s hand go flying into the air gesturing towards me.

  “It’s only been one thing out of order in this house, Ruby.”

  His insult hit me hard. I put my comb down and stalked over to stand in front of him. I inhaled his manly scent as I placed a hand on his chest. I wanted to scream at him, but I didn’t.

  “Stay home tonight, Ronan, where you belong,” I said, my hands roaming over the expanse of his chest and to his wide chin. “We can talk tomorrow, but tonight let’s just be one,” I told him.

  “So you finally remembered that you have a husband, a husband who has needs that have gone unfulfilled? I’ve been going out for the past two months and you haven’t even noticed I was missing, Ruby. Now that you want to reconnect, I’m supposed to do what? Act as if the last two months haven’t happened? What makes tonight any different than the many other nights you rejected me?” Ronan asked a barrage of questions, each hitting me in the gut harder than the last.

  “Ronan, I’ve just not been feeling like my usual self. You have to trust me when I say that I’m sorry for not being there for you when you needed me. I know I’ve turned you away a lot, but now I need you to trust what we have. Trust that I love you and try to remember the times our love ran deep, because it still does and we need each other, baby,” I said softly, moving my hands across his chest to his broad shoulders before reaching up and wrapping my arms around his neck. “Kiss me, Ronan.”

  Ronan took a deep breath, but he didn’t budge. He just stared at me with an icy glare before saying, “Since you feel the need to be emotionally and physically available to me tonight, I guess you think I’m supposed to jump right back on the saddle? It doesn’t work that way, Ruby, no.” He seized both of my hands that had been around his neck and held them away from him.

  “Stay home, Ronan!” I said, afraid that what he was leaving home for would put the nail in our marital coffin. The most dreaded feeling that he
was pushing me away so that he could go be with another woman settled in my spirit. “What you are doing will ruin us,” I said with double meaning.

  “I guess we’re even,” Ronan shot back.

  “What do you mean by that, Ronan? I cook you breakfast, lunch, and dinner and I am here every night with you.”

  “I can’t argue with that, Ruby. Your body is definitely here, but your mind is light years away. And let’s face it, your heart hasn’t been in it. Since I came back from the annual retreat, you’ve been sneaking around hiding things from me.”

  Ronan crossed his arms and leaned against the doorway waiting for me to respond. I thought about all the nights I urged him to go to happy hour with friends after work. I suggested he go to the bar, because it gave him something else to occupy his mind instead of him trying to make love to me. I couldn’t give him intimacy because of my condition. However, by hearing his thoughts, I knew that he’d taken my suggestion the wrong way.

  “Ronan, I need you to know that you are the center of my world. I never would push you away intentionally,” I said as I slipped an arm around his waist and laid my head against his chest. “When I was suggesting that you go to a bar, I only wanted you to go out because I wasn’t feeling my best. You had so much energy and wanted me to be with you in ways that I couldn’t at the time with my irregular periods.”

  I listened to the rhythm of his heartbeat as my head continued to rest against his chest. I was glad that he didn’t resist me this time. I closed my eyes and took a brief moment to relish in my husband’s intoxicating essence. I finally lifted my head from his chest and looked into his eyes, while my hand rested against his warm chest.

  For the first time his expression softened. He touched my hand against his chest and asked, “What’s going on with you Ruby? I feel like something has gone terribly wrong between us and I’m out in the dark. And it’s more than irregular periods. I need to know what it is.”

  “It’s nothing you should worry about, Ronan. Let’s just live in the moment,” I begged.

  “You’re doing it again.”

  “Doing what?” I asked as I removed my hand from his chest and walked over to the dresser and chose a maroon colored gown to wear.

  Ronan walked behind me and turned me to face him. He grabbed my gown and put it back on the dresser. Looking me eye to eye, he said, “You’re leaving me in the dark. You’re treating me like I’m not supposed to be the only man that knows every thought of your mind, every whim of your soul, and every inch of your body.”

  I wished Ronan really did know every thought of my mind, every whim of my soul, and every inch of my body. Then, he would know, my mind was tormented by the decision to keep my cancer diagnosis from him and that the reason I vowed to never tell him about my condition unsettled my soul ‘til this very day. Most importantly, he’d know that if it hadn’t been for the surgery that rendered me unable to be there for him physically, my body would be rapt with a killer disease that would have robbed me of a long life with him and our children

  I looked deeply into his eyes, as tears leaked from my eyes and fell onto my cheeks. “Let’s just live in the moment, Ronan. It’s all we have,” I said weakly.

  “Ruby, what is wrong?” Ronan pleaded for the truth as he pulled me close to him. I laid my head on his chest and held onto him for dear life.

  “I can’t talk about it right now, Ronan.”

  “What do you mean you can’t talk about it? This is something we have to get through. Talk to me, baby,” he pleaded before kissing my tears away.

  I pushed him off me as hard as I could. “I said I don’t want to talk about it, Ronan!”

  I could feel my head swimming as I became dizzy. I walked over and sat on the edge of the bed with my hands covering my face. I took deep breaths to calm myself. Ronan was still standing by the dresser where I’d left him in a state of confusion.

  “I don’t know how to reach you, Ruby. I’ve done all I know to do,” he said defeated. He walked toward the door again, and this time I didn’t put up a fight.

  “Ronan?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you too, but don’t wait up for me,” he said as he closed our bedroom door behind him.

  I fell back onto the bed and allowed every single tear to flow. I cried because of my deception. I cried because I had been diagnosed with cancer. But most of all, I cried because the way my husband looked at me told me I no longer was the center of his world. Either the alcohol at the bar, or even worse a woman, had replaced me. I was sure of it.

  Chapter 23

  Ruby

  I did everything I could think of to clear my mind that night, but nothing worked. I had so many doubts running through my mind, when I turned off the TV at about one a.m. I put the book I was reading on the nightstand and kept wondering what the Ronan was doing and who he was doing it with.

  “I should just go to sleep,” I spoke to the lonely room. “No, I should go and see for myself what he’s doing.”

  Knowing would settle my mind and at least then I would be aware of what I was dealing with. My grandmother always said not to go looking for anything I didn’t want to find, but I had to know what my husband was doing. Not knowing was killing me.

  I got up and slid into a pair of jeans and a black sweater. I then slipped into my black running shoes. Standing in the mirror looking like I was about to go on some type of top-secret Rambo mission, I asked myself, “Do you really want to do this?”

  Snooping around behind Ronan could provide me with details I wasn’t ready to handle. I had to be sure I was prepared for whatever I would find out.

  Just as soon as that thought crossed my mind, I remembered the deep love Ronan and I shared for so many years. There had to be a reasonable explanation for him not being at home. Surely, he was being true to me. We were going through a touchy time, but I was confident he would never be unfaithful. We loved each other too long, too deeply, too much. Thinking about our sweet love made me want to go out and find my man even more. What if he was sinking into alcoholism and I wasn’t even trying to be by his side? With that question in mind, I walked into Yasmine’s room and shook her awake.

  “Put your jacket on, sweetie. We’re about to go for a ride,” I told her.

  “It’s too early to get ready for school. It’s still dark outside. Where are we going, mommy?” Yasmine asked.

  “Mommy has to make a run and your dad isn’t here, so I’m taking you with me,” I said as I tossed a light jacket to her.

  With her eyes still closed, Yasmine clumsily stood up and stuck her hands inside the arms of her jacket.

  I then went into Benedict’s room and put his jacket on and picked him up. Yasmine was close on my heels as I walked down the steps and into the living room. I grabbed my purse off the living room sofa and headed to the car.

  I felt a dull ache in my pelvis as I carried Benedict down the porch stairs. The effects of lifting my heavy son after my surgery was still in play three months later, but I pressed forward. I was determined to put my mind to rest about Ronan being with another woman, and to save him from drinking himself under a table, if he needed me.

  Once we were all in the car and seat belts on, I turned on the tracker app on my phone. We both installed the apps years ago for emergencies. I never imagined there would come a time I would be out in the middle of the night searching for him; however, he gave me no choice.

  I tried calling his phone a few hours after he left home and it had gone to voicemail every time. With a mixture of worry that he may have had an accident while driving drunk and that he was avoiding me for another woman, I pressed the search key on my phone. When the location of his phone popped up, I pressed another button to enter that address into my GPS system.

  It took me thirty minutes to pull up to an apartment complex in Cutler Bay, which was clear on the other side of town. Ronan’s car was backed into a parking space near the entrance of the complex, as if the
space belonged exclusively to him. There was no mistaking that it was his car. He had the word “CLASSIC” engraved in gold on his front plate.

  Upon seeing his car, I parked a few spaces away and turned off my engine. I immediately shut off the lights and prepared to sit and wait to see which of these apartments Ronan would come out of.

  Yasmine unlocked her seatbelt and asked, “Mommy, where are we?”

  “Yassi, try to get some sleep. You have to go to school in the morning,” I said avoiding her question.

  “In the car, Mommy? Why are we sleeping in the car?” she asked with a whine.

  “Just lay down on the seat and go to sleep!” I said a little harsher than I wanted to. The last thing I wanted to do was punish my children for what had become a mess of a marriage. They didn’t deserve that, and for all intents and purposes it was madness that we were out in the middle of the night in some strange apartment complex’s parking lot.

  “Here, give me a hug,” I said to my darling baby girl who had every right to be full of questions. I hugged her and kissed her cheeks. She stayed up for a while, but eventually laid down on the seat and drifted off to sleep.

  We sat out there for forty-one minutes, to be exact, before one apartment’s front lights came on. Twenty two minutes later, the apartment door opened and Ronan emerged hustling toward his car.

  I reached for my door handle, about to jump out and confront him, when the same apartment door opened again. This time, the silhouette of a petite woman with long hair stepped out into the night. I heard her call out his name. I rolled the window down a few inches and heard her say, “Ronan. Baby, you forgot your wallet.”

  Ronan walked back over to her door and took the wallet from her hand. “Thanks,” he said kindly.

  He stood and watched the woman for a few more seconds before she said, “You know, I could’ve brought it to work later today, but I didn’t want you to leave without it, in case you get stopped by the police or something.”