Burdened (A Burdened Novel)

by Peiri Ann

  Tracey, is Nathan calm? Glen and I are coming over.

  “Scott and Glen are coming. You ready?” He gives me a ‘how did I know?’ look. “He just told me. I’m going to tell him that you’re calm and they can come over. Okay?”

  “Okay, love.”

  I smile. Yeah, Scott, he’s good. I turn to Nathan and pull his face by his jaw to me, kissing him. “Stay calm, okay?”

  He raises his left eyebrow. “Maybe.”

  “Nathan!”

  “Tracey!” he mocks.

  Glen and Scott walk up, sitting a foot away from us, just as we are sitting—with Glen in front of Scott.

  Glen smiles. “Hi Nathan.”

  I hear nothing, so I turn to look at him. “Hi Glen,” he responds dryly.

  Scott takes a loud, deep breath. “Look, you two. I’m sorry. I really am, about earlier, and just now.”

  Nathan and I don’t respond.

  Scott continues. “I know that everything happening has been my fault. But honestly, I am scared of the shit that you two have to deal with.”

  And what is that? I turn to Scott, and I feel Nathan do the same.

  “What do they have to deal with?” Glen asks, turning to Scott.

  He takes another deep breath and I turn back to the water. I have to admit that Scott is pissing me off too. It’s good that Nathan can heal me so that I do not die. But I still feel the pain when it happens, and it hurts like I’m dying.

  “Okay, let me just say this, and I may be out of line, but the next time either of you try to kill me, I am not going to try to stop Nathan from killing you. That shits hurts, and if it wasn’t for him, I’m sure some of us would be dead by now.” I turn back to Scott. “I mean, seriously, Scott, is it not enough that he, and now I, have everyone else trying to kill us? Do you really think we want to fight you too?”

  Nathan rubs my arms.

  “Tracey, what are you talking about, and don’t talk to Scott like that. We have never tried to kill you or Nathan. How dare you accuse us of doing that!” Glen’s voice is covered in shock and disapproval. Her face shows resentment.

  If this girl throws me again, it will be Scott stopping me from attacking her.

  “Glen, we did,” Scott interferes. “I almost did this morning, and you didn’t try to kill Tracey on purpose, but you could have, when you all were eating dinner.”

  She looks at Scott like he’s lying to her. “What?”

  “Glen, there is a lot I haven’t told you. And if I would have, the things that have happened today wouldn’t have.”

  “And what happened today?” she asks with an attitude.

  He takes another loud breath, which is starting to piss me off. Stalling isn’t just a Nathan trait. I lean my head against Nathan’s chest, turning into his scent.

  Scott goes over today’s events. Glen shouts, curses, and yells, repeating over and over about Scott being a liar. Nathan and I just sit back as they argue, and Scott begs Glen to listen and calm down.

  After the water washes up to the shore fifteen times, Glen finally calms down and Scott talks about him being burdened and why it’s a danger. Then he discusses the things that have been going on with me and Nathan.

  Glen starts yelling again and I have had enough. I turn towards them to speak, and Nathan rubs my arms. He moves his head near mine and kisses my cheek.

  “It’s okay. Let them talk. We’re just here for his comfort,” he whispers quietly.

  I turn back, staring at him. Turning my body slightly—to get a better look—I take him all in, his eyes are brown—dark in the night. He needs to shave, but his scruff still looks nice. He looks tired and I can’t blame him.

  My days that are full of him are shortly coming to an end. I’ll be back at school soon—eight to nine hours waiting for the time to pass until I’m able to see him. Thinking about it, my heart skips a beat and I feel my panic rise.

  I lean forward to kiss him and he closes the distance. My kiss is innocent. And again, I don’t know how much I need him until I have him. His arms wrap around me and my hands grab onto them. I want to be surrounded by him. Place my body inside of his and have him cover every inch of me.

  I have never wanted anything or anyone as much as I want him. I move my hand to touch the back of his head, letting the hair cover my fingers. It’s longer.

  He pulls back, staring at me. I love for him to look at me—to watch me. He looks me over while moving his hand under my ear, and his fingers push through the back of my hair, holding my head.

  He pulls my head back a little—I assume, to get a better look. He licks his bottom lip and bites it lightly. I lick the corner of mine and bite back the temptation to go back to him.

  “You can come back whenever you want,” he whispers to me. And I do, kissing him, maybe too forcefully. I calm, putting intimacy into it.

  I hear nothing but his soft breaths; I feel nothing but his lips, tongue, and hands on me. His kisses say ‘I love you,’ his tongue sweeping over mine says ‘I want you,’ and the slight pressure he applies to the back of my neck—trying to bring me closer than I can go—says I’m going to have you. And all I can think is ‘me too.’

  “Hello! Are we interrupting something?” Glen says with aggravation. I pull back reluctantly, forgetting they were here. “Should we leave you two alone?”

  “Yes,” I say quietly against Nathan’s lips. I move, turning around to her. “What, Glen?”

  “Can we talk? I mean, you’re here making out with your boyfriend, while Scott’s here feeding me this bullshit.” She talks with her hands and arms flying around. Very over-exaggerated. “And you’re not even backing me up! Do you hear this? Did he—” She points harshly at Nathan. “—tell you the same crap?” She puts both of her hands on her hips. “And did you just believe him?” She turns to Scott. “What the hell, Scott! What is really going on, and why are you feeding me this bullshit?” I’m so tired of this conversation.

  I’m done. I seriously have had enough. “Glen, shut up! He is not lying. If you would just listen to the boy and hear what he has to say, instead of complaining and arguing with him about it, maybe you would see that for yourself.” I stand up. Nathan stands with me. “We have already gone through this.” I turn to Scott. “Or did you happen to make her forget that too!?”

  Scott stands, and Glen yells, “Tracey, don’t talk to him like that. He hasn’t made me forget anything!”

  “So what, Scott,” I say, not as loud as Glen, “you tell half but not all? Get your shit together!” Nathan pulls my arm, trying to get me to sit back down. I’m getting pissed.

  “Tracey, do not speak to him like that.” Glen gives me a serious look.

  “Maybe you should not speak to him like that. You spend so much time yelling at him. Again, just listen to him. He is not lying. He has just messed you up so much in the head, you can’t tell the difference.”

  “Tracey, you’re going too far,” Nathan says from behind me, pulling me to him.

  “Yeah, Tracey. Listen to Nathan. You are going too far,” Glen retorts, her hands starting to shake like they did at the table.

  “Glen, we are friends, and I love you. But if you throw me again, you will regret it,” I warn her, readying myself.

  “If we are friends, why are you at Nathan’s side instead of mine?” She glares at Nathan.

  What is wrong with this girl? “Glen, what is your problem?” I turn to Scott. “And why aren’t you checking your girl? You can see she is about to spaz out and she doesn’t even know it. You’re just standing there watching her, knowing she is wrong about everything she’s saying. Why haven’t you interfered? You—”

  “Tracey!” Glen yells. I look at her and I can see the air move around her. Nathan starts to pull me behind him. I push at him, not wanting his protection.

  My hands heat. “What, Glen? What!?” I’m in a pushing match with Nathan. I turn to him. “You—stop.” He does. I turn back to Glen. “Glen, what!?”

  She stares at
me and I look at Scott, standing off to the side. I turn back to Glen and her face has hell on it again. I know how I’m going to prove this to Glen, since Scott doesn’t or won’t.

  “You feel that, Glen? Notice how Scott isn’t trying to make it better? You’re mad at the wrong person, Glen.” I stand straight, squaring my shoulders. Glen can get whooped too.

  “What are you doing, Tracey?” Nathan grabs my arm.

  “I got this. Just catch me if she sends me flying.” I keep my eyes on Glen.

  He steps closer.

  “Why would I be mad at Scott?” she asks, taking a step closer.

  “Ask Scott. Tell her, Scott. She should know.” I turn to him. “Tell her!” I yell. “You love her, right? How much do you love her? We’ll see what happens. That will tell us.” I’m truly tired of this Glen and Scott situation.

  “Tracey, do not talk to him,” she threats. The air around her stands still.

  I feel Nathan tense, probably reading my mind, because shit is about to hit the fan. “Fuck you, Glen.” I turn to Scott. “And fuck you t—”

  A forceful thrust pushes against me hard, but before I can fly backwards, Nathan has me in his arms. “I do not like this, Tracey.” He places me back down.

  “I got it.”

  My hands heat, and I send a blast at her chest. She flies back several feet—it hit her dead-on. Scott rushes to her side. “Tracey, you are really taking this too far!” Scott is fine, which tells me Glen is fine.

  “No, Scott, you took this too far,” Nathan says, stepping back to my side while Glen is getting up. “If you would have handled this correctly from the beginning, this would have been avoided.”

  “You too?! I thought you had more sense than the rest of them,” Glen says, stepping in front of Scott. She takes on the face of hell again.

  Nathan takes a step forward. “You do not want to go down that road. Tracey may take it easy on you. But I won’t. And note—when I knock you off your feet, Scott is going with you.” His voice is deep and threatening.

  She squares off, and I realize how dumb she really is. I’m not going to stop him. Scott should have stopped her. I stand back, looking at Scott. His face is scared, but it doesn’t say he wants to stop them. What is he doing?

  Glen looks at him and he doesn’t speak. “Did you hear what he just said to me?”

  “Glen, I’ve tried. There is nothing more I can do. I talk to you, but you don’t accept me—you don’t even believe me. I have nothing else.” His words are filled with hurt. “You don’t choose me.” He takes two steps back. Glen turns back towards us.

  I pull Nathan’s arm back. “I know. I heard,” he says.

  This is worse than we thought. I step back to his side. “Okay, so now what?”

  “I got it. I don’t know how this will play out, but I won’t hurt them—no matter what she does.” He grabs my hand; I guess to keep him down.

  “Glen,” he speaks loudly. “Scott did not lie to you. Everything he’s said is the truth. None of us are here to hurt you. You have been around us for days—around Scott even longer. You love him, right? Why don’t you believe him?”

  Glen looks back at Scott, who is looking at the ground. She turns back. “Because it doesn’t make sense.”

  “Why would he lie?”

  “Why wouldn’t he?”

  “Glen, this is not a game. Why would he lie? What has he done to you for you not to believe him?”

  “First, he doesn’t want me. Even after us—” She catches herself. “Then, he comes back and wants me, but holds back from me, plays with me. All I want is him; all I think about is him; all I need is him.”

  “So, knowing how strongly you feel about him, you still don’t believe him? You said he was holding back, but repeatedly he has tried to bare his heart to you, and you continuously reject him. How do you expect him to act?” Nathan throws up his free hand, shaking his head. “We had it wrong. This isn’t Scotts fault—it’s yours.”

  Glen looks shocked, then turns back to Scott. “Is that true?”

  Seconds pass, and Glen jumps—her expression changes. He must have answered her in her head. She walks over to him, and says something out loud.

  I’m distracted by Nathan turning to me. “I think I fixed it.”

  I smile at him. “I think you did. Good job, marriage counselor.” I wrap my hands around him. “Thank you.”

  “Anytime.”

  I lower my eyes. “Thief.” He leans down, kissing me. “So, when are you going to let me see into your head?”

  He smiles, baring his white teeth—he has a great smile. “Why are you trying to see into my head?”

  “You see mine.”

  “If you were to look into my head, you’ll only see you. Like when you look into it while we’re—”

  “Don’t say it.”

  His smile widens. “What?”

  “Tell me you love me.”

  “I love you.”

  31: Broken

  Glen and Scott stay on the beach, and we go back into the house. They look happy—finally. I hope they will stay like that, and I think they will, as long as Scott doesn’t erase her memory of it all. The kitchen is clean, and the window has been fixed.

  We go to Taylor’s room—which I’ve never seen before. Her door is open, so we walk in. “Hey,” I greet her and Justin.

  She has a couch in her huge room that they are both laying upon. She has a king-size bed, and a wall-size vanity. Her room is painted lavender. It’s soft and relaxing. They’re watching a movie on her TV.

  “Everything okay?” Taylor asks, sitting up. Justin looks to us for the answer as well.

  Nathan sits on her bed, pulling me with him. It feels weird to get comfortable on someone else’s bed. “It is for now,” he answers, lying across Taylor’s bed all too comfortably. I rest against him. I watch Taylor and Justin do the same.

  “Take it as it comes, right?” She sits back, getting comfortable.

  “Exactly.”

  No one says anything for a while. I guess they are really into the movie, which I’ve never seen before. It’s pretty damn boring. Nathan throws a pillow behind his head and takes a comfortable breath.

  “You two okay?” Justin asks, not looking in our direction.

  “Yeah. For now,” Nathan answers, putting his arm around me.

  Justin nods. “Good.”

  “You start back at school in a day or so, right, Tracey?” Taylor asks, still looking at the TV.

  “Yes,” I answer undesirably.

  She turns around and looks at Nathan. “And what are you going to do about that?”

  “What are you asking, Taylor?”

  “What are you going to do?” she asks more firmly.

  He looks at her. “I’m going to let her go.”

  “Let me go?” I ask, sitting up. What is that supposed to mean?

  “You know what I mean.” He looks at me through low eyes.

  “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Taylor asks with a flabbergasted expression.

  “What do you suppose I do? She’ll be finished soon.”

  “Nathan, you cannot be serious.” She exaggerates, “Yeah, and while she’s sitting in class, here comes Roehl, strutting through her classroom, posing as a new student. She is going to be enthralled by him.”

  “Wait! What!?” I turn towards Nathan.

  “Yeah, you will,” she says unsentimentally. “Then, she’ll be driving home and he’ll catch her then—or better yet, while she’s walking through the halls!” She’s hysterical. She’s making me hysterical.

  I look at Nathan. “Calm down, Tracey.” He turns to Taylor, who looks pissed. “So what do you suppose I do?” he asks for a second time. “She has to finish school. You know I won’t let anything happen to her—in my presence, or out.”

  “Nathan, you cannot—” She pauses, and looks at Justin. “No!” I must have missed something. “You both sound crazy. What if something happens? And clearly, we can’t trust Sco
tt to look out for her as we had originally planned.”

  “Wait—” I cut her off. “When did we plan something?”

  She shakes her head. “Bad choice of words. We just discussed the idea. I shouldn’t have said ‘planned.’”

  “Okay, but why wasn’t I included in this discussion?” I turn to Nathan, expectant of an answer.

  “Tracey, the question came up when we were leaving the house earlier, before we went to talk to Roehl, and it was just said—it was more like an idea. I wasn’t doing or planning anything without you,” he says, nonchalantly.

  “Wait—” Taylor grabs my attention. “Tracey, listen to me.”

  “Don’t, Taylor!” Nathan says with a deep, demanding voice.

  “No! Do, Taylor!” My voice is flooded with attitude.

  “Tracey!” He says my name firmly, as a father would when scolding a child.

  I sit back against him, reluctantly. That tone forces me to do what he says. I don’t like that, it belittles me.

  He shakes his head. “Sorry, I didn’t mean for that to come out like that.” His tone is softer. I cross my arms like a child. He turns to Taylor. “You are crossing a line.”

  “No, Nathan—you’re not approaching it.”

  All I know is, someone better tell me something before I start tryouts for the ‘fantastic four.’

  “Taylor is just scared for you, Tracey, and she is really blowing the whole situation out of proportion.” He rubs my arms, and I calm.

  “I agree, Taylor. You know they will handle it. Nathan is not going to let anything happen to her.” Justin rubs her knuckles. “And what happened when you all went to talk to Roehl?”

  Good question! “We talked and, as usual, he acted as if nothing was going on. He told me I didn’t belong there, since I no longer looked upon him as family.”

  Taylor turns around to him slowly. “What—did he forget or something?”

  Nathan shrugs, and with that I know there is a long story waiting for me—about Roehl and Nathan’s past.

  He lets his head fall, shaking it slowly—something shames him.