Dolphins in the Mud

by Jo Ramsey

  All of the adults gave me a weird look, and I realized that I’d sounded rude. Not that I cared because I was ticked off about the whole situation, but I figured I should apologize. “Sorry. I just meant that if you’re going to watch her, you’ll have to learn her schedule. It’s really important to her.”

  Jillian smiled. “I know. Kids like your sister need consistency, and they need to be able to know what’s coming next.”

  “Right.” Of course she knew that, if she’d been a special ed teacher. And she probably hadn’t meant to sound quite as smug as she had.

  “Cecelia.” Jillian waved her hand near my sister, like she was trying to get her attention. Cece kept staring at her own flicking fingers. “Cecelia,” Jillian said again, louder. “Look at me, please. Eyes here.”

  To my surprise, Cece did what Jillian said.

  “Thank you,” Jillian said. “Cecelia, I’m going to spend time with you after school from now on. Can you show me your schedule?”

  Cece walked over to where the schedule hung. Jillian followed her and stood there for a couple minutes, reading each item on the schedule out loud.

  Dad sighed, this time in relief. “I think this will work out.”

  “Yeah,” I said. I didn’t want to be the one taking care of my sister. That didn’t mean I liked the idea of a total stranger doing it, but we didn’t have much choice.

  Jillian sat down again, and she, Dad, and Mrs. Cates started discussing what we would need in order to function without Mom. They talked like Mom would never come back, which bothered me even though I realized that might be the case. The problem was, without Mom, I’d still have a lot of responsibility for my sister even if Jillian did help in the afternoons. Cece barely knew how to dress herself, and she needed someone to make sure she washed up and ate and all that kind of thing. At least she knew how to use the toilet. In her old school, there’d been a couple other kids with autism who were older than Cece and still had to wear diapers.

  In the mornings, Dad was usually crunched for time. His two-hour commute into the city sometimes turned into three or even four hours if traffic was heavy, and rush-hour traffic into Boston in the mornings was nearly always heavy. He usually left before I even got out of bed most mornings. Which meant I’d have to get Cece and myself ready for school like I’d done that morning, because Jillian would be busy with her own kids. For all I knew, I’d end up being the one to put Cece to bed at night too.

  I went into my room with my cell phone and called Mom. Of course, she didn’t answer. So I left her another voice mail. “I hope you know what a bitch you are for doing this to us. How the hell are we supposed to do everything without you? Thanks for nothing, you selfish cow.”

  I hung up. I didn’t feel any better, but at least I had that off my chest.

  Chapter Eight

  WHILE DAD and I talked with Jillian, Mrs. Cates cleaned up the living room. She seemed kind of overwhelmed by the job. Cece eventually helped. She ignored Mrs. Cates while they picked up the mess, but at least she did her share. And with Jillian’s help, Dad and I managed to come up with a plan.

  The next morning, Dad would have to go to work at his usual time. His company had some kind of flex thing where employees could change their schedules, so he would talk to his boss about starting his workday later beginning the following week, so he would be home until Cece left for school. In the afternoons, I would meet Cece at the van and bring her home, and Jillian would come over to help after her younger kids came home from school. She would stay until Dad returned from work, and if she had to leave earlier for some reason, she would arrange with Mrs. Cates to cover.

  Doing everything without Mom wouldn’t be easy, but after the discussion, I felt a little more confident about it. I wouldn’t have to do everything myself. I’d been worried that Dad would hand most tasks over to me or Jillian. Instead he talked like he planned to step up and do what he could. We would get through it. We had no choice.

  After Jillian and Mrs. Cates left, I did jumping jacks with Cece for a little while, then turned on her TV shows. Once she’d settled in to watch them, I asked Dad, “Is it okay if I go out for a little while?”

  He frowned. “Where are you going? It’ll be dark soon.”

  “Dad, I’m sixteen. I think I can handle being out after dark.” I hesitated. I didn’t quite trust him not to change his mind and tell me to stay home if he knew where I was going. I couldn’t think of a good reason not to tell him, though. “I want to go see Noah. His dad was really upset yesterday, and I want to be sure he’s okay. Noah, I mean.”

  Noah’s father had acted angrier than made sense, but I didn’t have any reason to think anything had happened to Noah. Checking on him just made a good excuse to give Dad.

  Dad nodded. “Go ahead. Just please don’t stay long. I hate to say this, but I’m really at a loss with your sister. I’ll learn, I promise, but the next few days I’m afraid I’m going to have to lean on you more than I’d like to. You have a way with Cecelia, and I think all this will be easier on her if you’re helping out.”

  Not to mention easier on him. I should have expected him to say something like this. I shouldn’t have been surprised, though. Thanks to Mom’s selfishness, I’d be stuck doing everything around here. Dad had better learn what he’s doing pretty damn fast. Otherwise, I’ll take off too.

  Realizing that I was glaring at Dad, I took a deep breath and forced myself to look neutral. If he knew I was pissed off, it wouldn’t help anything. “Sure. I don’t know if Noah’s dad will even let me in the house. If he does, I’ll be back before supper.” I nodded toward the schedule. “Supper’s at six. Mom usually cooks fish sticks and fries on Tuesdays. Cece likes those. Sometimes Mom has her help with putting the stuff on the baking sheets. She thinks Cece should learn to cook.”

  “I don’t know if Cece will ever be able to take care of herself. If she does get there, cooking isn’t a bad skill to have.” Dad took a deep breath. “Okay. I think I can handle this.”

  “Cece’s therapists’ numbers are by the phone,” I said. “You might want to call them and let them know what’s going on with Mom. Those are all their cell numbers, so they should answer, or you can just leave them voice mails.” I shouldn’t have been the one thinking of that, but I knew Dad wouldn’t. And I knew the therapists would eventually show up expecting to see Mom. They usually came every Wednesday, which meant they’d be there the next day.

  “I’ll take care of it.” He sounded relieved to have something to do that didn’t directly involve Cece.

  I headed to Noah’s house. The place appeared deserted, but I didn’t think he and his father had left. It was just the way that house always felt. Even when the Silvers were there, the inside was as clean and empty as if the place was vacant.

  I knocked on the door with the red wreath and waited, sure that either no one would answer or Mr. Silver would send me away. To my surprise, Noah opened the door.

  He grinned. “You look stunned. I’m not that ugly, am I?”

  “No, of course not.” I closed my mouth. “So your dad lets you answer the door sometimes?”

  Noah nodded. “When he isn’t home. He’s gone to the airport in Boston to pick up Mom, and he left me here with strict instructions to stay in the house and not let anyone in.” His eyes gleamed. “Do you want to come in?”

  Obviously the idea of defying his father entertained him. I wasn’t so sure. “Do you really think that’s smart? I don’t want you to get in trouble like yesterday.”

  “Yesterday was nothing. We came home, Dad lectured me, and everything went on like normal. We had pizza for supper. Besides, he just left about an hour ago, so he’ll be gone a while. He won’t even know you were here.” His voice dropped. “I hate being alone all the time, Chris. I could use some company.”

  When he put it that way, I couldn’t argue with him. I followed him into the living room, where the TV was showing one of those cartoons that aren’t actually intended for kids. “I�
�m not allowed to watch this kind of thing when Dad’s here.” Noah flopped onto one of the couches. “So I take advantage when he isn’t. He wanted me to go with him to pick up Mom. I told him I wasn’t feeling well. I didn’t want to be stuck in a car with him for two hours.”

  “I wouldn’t want to be stuck in a car with anyone for that long.” I remembered the family trips to visit Dad’s cousin when she’d owned the cottage. Most of the time, they’d ended with either Mom yelling or Cece screaming. Sometimes both.

  “Have a seat.” Noah nodded toward the other couch. “Over there, or I can move, and you can sit here with me.”

  As soon as he said that, I knew he had something more in mind than just watching TV. I didn’t know whether it was his tone of voice or just some weird kind of premonition, but I knew if I sat near him something would happen between us. Not that I minded the idea. I just didn’t think it was a particularly good idea. Aside from the whole ticking off his father thing, if Noah had never kissed anyone or had a boyfriend or girlfriend or anything, whatever went on between him and me would be awkward. I didn’t know if I wanted to deal with awkward.

  I did know I wouldn’t mind kissing him if he tried it. So I swatted his leg and said, “Move, and I’ll sit here.”

  He moved, grinning, and I sat beside him. “Do you want anything to eat or drink?” he asked.

  My stomach growled, which reminded me that thanks to everything that had happened with Cece that afternoon, I’d never had a snack. “Yeah, I’m kind of hungry.”

  He stood. “Come into the kitchen and let’s find something. I’m hungry too.”

  We went through the same process of checking the cupboards and fridge before finally settling on some microwave popcorn and sodas. Not particularly filling, but I wasn’t in the mood for a sandwich, and I didn’t see anything else that appealed to me.

  Back in the living room, Noah shut off the TV. “I can turn that back on if you want to watch it, but I wanted to ask if you’re okay. You seem kind of upset.”

  “I am,” I admitted. “After you left yesterday, my dad found a note my mother left. She isn’t coming back, at least not for a while. Maybe not ever. I don’t know. She said she needs time or some stupid crap like that.” I punched the arm of the couch. Just thinking about that had brought back all the fury I’d been trying to shove away by hanging out with Noah. “I hate her right now, you know? I can’t believe she’d just take off on her family like this. Especially Cece.”

  “My mom did that once,” he said quietly. “I woke up one morning—I was probably like seven—and couldn’t find her anywhere. So I woke up Dad, and he said she’d had an argument with him and decided she didn’t want to be part of our family anymore.”

  “That sucks.” I didn’t mean his mother leaving. I couldn’t believe his father had said something like that to a little kid.

  “Yeah. I cried most of the day, and Dad didn’t like that at all. He was pissed at my mother, and he wanted me to be pissed at her too. But I was seven, and my mom had always been the one who took care of me. Dad just—he just didn’t.” He paused. “Yeah. So anyway, she was gone for a couple months. She called a few times, and Dad wouldn’t let me talk to her, but then finally he did. And then she came home. Maybe your mother will come back after she’s had a while to think about things.”

  “I hope so.” I didn’t know if we’d be able to keep managing without her. Even with Jillian and Mrs. Cates’s help, we’d have trouble, and they might not be able to help us forever.

  “What do you think will happen to your sister if your mom doesn’t come home?”

  “What do you mean?”

  He frowned. “I mean, like, you told me your mother’s the one who always takes care of Cece. Your dad works, and you have school, plus you’re just her brother so you shouldn’t have to take care of her. If your mom doesn’t come back, what are you guys going to do about her?”

  “We aren’t going to do anything,” I said firmly. When Cece had first been diagnosed, a few people had tried to talk my parents into sending her to a live-in school for kids with autism. At least, they called it a school. My mother had called it an institution and had informed everyone, with a loud voice and a few swear words, that her daughter would never end up in a place like that.

  Now that Mom was gone, it would be up to me and Dad to make sure Cece stayed home with her family, where she belonged. And if Dad kept becoming as overwhelmed as he had that day, it might be just up to me.

  I wouldn’t be able to cope with that. Not with taking care of Cece all the time. It wasn’t my job. I was just her brother. Her parents were the ones who needed to take care of her.

  I gripped the edge of the couch cushion with both hands to keep from hauling off and punching something.

  “Who’s going to take care of her while your dad’s working?” Noah asked.

  Again with all the questions. He was good at asking them. Then again, he’d told me something that I doubted he’d talked to anyone else about, so I owed him. “A couple women from the neighborhood said they’d help. They came over this afternoon. Cece seems to get along with both of them, as much as she does with anyone, so I think it’ll be okay. Dad’s going to start going to work later, so he can help out in the mornings, so mostly I’ll just have to get Cece off the van that brings her home from school and take her to the house.”

  “That might not be too bad,” Noah said. “I’m glad you and your dad found someone to help out. It sucks that your mother did this. I hope she does come back.”

  “Yeah. Can we not talk about her anymore?” I wanted to make sure I didn’t get mad enough to punch anything else.

  “Sure.”

  He turned the TV back on, and we munched popcorn and watched stupid animated characters do stupid things. At least sitting with him this time felt more comfortable than before. I didn’t feel like an intruder in the house, which was kind of ironic since I wasn’t supposed to be there.

  After a while, we both reached for popcorn at the same time, and our hands touched. That current I’d felt with him before shot through me again, and my face got hot. His turned red too. “Sorry,” he and I both muttered at the same time.

  “No problem,” he said in a forced happy tone of voice. “I mean, that’s what we get for sharing popcorn, right?”

  “Yeah.” That explained the hands touching, at least. It didn’t have much to do with the jolt, as far as I was concerned. That was just plain attraction, and I didn’t know what to do about it.

  “You’re uncomfortable now,” he said.

  “Kind of.”

  He looked away. “Yeah. Sorry. It’s just, we had that conversation yesterday at your house, and I thought… I don’t know.”

  “You thought maybe I liked you,” I filled in. “I’m not saying I don’t. It’s just weird when you’re first getting to know someone, you know? We haven’t even known each other very long. Yeah, I like you. I don’t know if that means something should happen with us. Not right now, anyway.”

  “It isn’t like I kissed you or something,” he snapped. “We touched hands when we were getting popcorn. Big deal.”

  “It isn’t just that, and you know it.” I didn’t know how to explain that connection without sounding either sappy or nuts. He’d felt it too, so he must have known what I was talking about.

  “I know.” He leaned forward and set the popcorn bowl on the coffee table. “So do you like me? Even if we haven’t known each other very long. It doesn’t take long to figure out if you’re into someone, right?”

  “Sometimes it does; sometimes it doesn’t.” I kind of liked that he was interested in me. I just didn’t know whether I should do anything about it or whether I should just keep backing off. Something about him pinged my red-flag radar, making me think he might not be ready for any kind of relationship with anyone. Not only because his parents kept him locked away from the world. It was something about Noah himself, though nothing I could put a name to.

  He shut
off the TV again. I almost asked him to turn it back on. The show was stupid, but at least it was a distraction. Now we would have to talk about something I would rather avoid.

  “I’ve been thinking about you a lot,” Noah said. “I haven’t really had friends before. You know that. And I haven’t had a boyfriend or girlfriend before.”

  “I know that too,” I said. “Which is why I’m kind of thinking maybe you just think you like me because you finally have someone you can talk to. Maybe you just like me as a friend.”

  “You think I don’t know how I feel?” he snapped. “That’s insulting. I might not have the best grasp of how to hang out with other teenagers, but I know the difference between liking someone as a friend and liking them as something more.”

  I’d been right. I did not want to have this conversation.

  Normally, if I liked a guy and he liked me, I talked through any problems I had with him. I didn’t feel like I could do that with Noah. If he and I’d been having this conversation two or three days earlier, I probably would have been a little less blunt. After everything that had happened with Mom, I didn’t have any energy left to soothe Noah’s feelings.

  I stood. “Maybe I should go home and come back some other time. My dad probably needs help with Cece anyway.”

  “Don’t leave.” He jumped up from the couch and stood between me and the door. “Please. I’m sorry if I’m being pushy. Just stay longer and talk to me. I don’t know what I’m doing. I just know I want you to stay.”

  He clutched my arm so tight it hurt, and his eyes showed total desperation. The expression scared me. Maybe I’d been wrong about him. Maybe he was some kind of psycho killer or something, and he would murder me if I tried to leave.

  Yeah, right. Noah was about as dangerous as the kitten my parents had given Cece for a pet a couple years ago. The one we’d had to give away after a couple months because Cece had turned out to be allergic to cats.