by Jude Ouvrard
“Did that JD shot get to you or something?”
She frowned, irritated. “No, I... I decided to have a good time tonight. To give him a chance.”
“Okay.” But it still didn’t explain why she was acting so hyper.
“I’m going to go on stage.”
“To sing?”
She rolled her eyes. “Yes, I can do this, Levi. I need to get out of that shell. I’m just singing, I’m not pole dancing.”
“Alright then, rock the place like I know you can.”
She pulled me closer to her and I felt her trembling against me. Was that happening? My something wrong I had predicted.
She kissed me and got back on stage. Her whole attitude was changed and looked like she was in the hyper phase of getting drunk, but she only had one drink. It couldn’t be that. This night was turning into a fucked up mess, I could feel it.
The band started playing again and I watched Nix in disbelief. They were playing an old song from Deftones. A smoother one. Nix took the microphone and started singing, owning the stage like she was the real motherfucking rock star. That wasn’t her. She scared me, I didn’t recognize her.
Her voice was strong and confident, she sounded even better than she had at the Black Shakers. Her fears were gone. I didn’t know if I should be happy or worried. I watched her sing, song after song. She jumped on stage and danced. Brian accompanied her, they sang together like they had hours of practice under the belt.
Because I couldn’t believe my eyes, I even made a video of her with my phone and sent it to Bekka. If this wasn’t normal, I would hear from her soon.
Well, it took two minutes.
Bekka: How much did she have to drink? It’s too early.
Levi: Nothing, only a double JD, that’s all.
Bekka: This is not her, not normal. She’s good but there’s something strange.
Levi: I know. I’m freaked out.
At least, I knew I wasn’t alone. Bekka thought the same thing.
Leaving the bar with the star of the night holding my hand, I felt proud, but I couldn’t ignore the anxiety I felt. For one second, the idea of drugs came across my mind but knowing her history with drugs, I doubted that she would use them again.
She walked fast; I had a hard time keeping up with her, her body was agitated. She normally was more in control but now, she had to keep moving her arms, touching me, her hair or whatever it was she had to feel. I thought maybe it was the adrenaline but even then, it should have had toned down by now. It had been over an hour and she still wanted to walk, while I was sweating and tired. I didn’t think running a 5k would have been a problem for her. She finally agreed to go back to our room after she ate a foot long sub at Subway. I sat on the couch exhausted while she stayed up and watched TV while going through our luggage.
Bekka: Is she okay, now?
Levi: Still on a high.
Bekka: Fuck...
I hated to think that, but I was pretty certain she had taken drugs. It sickened me but it was the only reason that could explain her attitude. I had been high before and I knew the reaction a person could have. But why Nix? After everything she went through? What happened backstage that influenced her after all of those years away from drugs? All these questions kept coming through my mind. I ended up going to bed, she was far from tired, but I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. I hurt, I hated San Francisco and I despised Brian.
I woke up in the morning, and found her asleep on the fucking floor in front of the TV. How long had she been in that position? Why didn’t she join me in our bed?
I took her in my arms and placed her under the comforter. She never noticed, and was deep into her sleep. My eyes stared at her for minutes and tried to ask myself what had happened last night. Why didn’t she tell me? I felt helpless. She liked to drink, and she wasn’t hiding anything about it. From what I knew, she never had taken any drugs when we were together and from Bekka’s reaction, she hadn’t noticed anything either.
I hurried and took a shower, making sure that she was still asleep before I went downstairs to get coffee and something to eat. I couldn’t wait for her to wake up and see the mood she would be in.
I wanted to call Brian and scream at him, tell him how much of an idiot and jackass he had been with Nix but I didn’t. It would have turned into a whole fucking drama crash. He fucked her up when he offered her drugs or whoever did, he was there, backstage and I wasn’t going to let it go. She didn’t need that shit in her life. Having him back was already a whole fucking change she didn’t ask for and with her past, shit, I prayed she wouldn’t dive back into that mess. She was young then, she had grown up a lot since but still, she used to be an addict. From what I had heard about former drug addicts, they could never forget how good they had felt, and that one time was all they needed to fall off the wagon.
As I entered our room, the ring of my phone startled me. Bekka was calling.
“Hey.” I whispered and tiptoed away from Nix, careful not to wake her up.
“How is she?”
“Sleeping.” I sighed. “She was with Brian for ten minutes last night and when she returned, she was trembling and became so hyper. You saw the video.”
“If it was drugs, she’ll probably cry when she wakes up. That’s how she was back then. She’s not stupid, Levi.”
“Fuck, I know. I never said she was.”
“I know, sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t see a reason why she would do that shit again but, she felt the pressure or maybe she didn’t even know. Maybe they put it in her drink.”
“I have no idea, Bek. I don’t want her to see him again. Hell to the fucking no.” I wanted to punch a hole in the wall. Pissed didn’t cover how mad I was or the anger I felt. Everything inside me boiled to the point of exploding.
“Babe?” Phoenix called my name.
“She’s awake, I’ll call you back.”
I threw my phone on the couch on my way to the bed. “Nix, are you okay?” The anger disappeared when I heard her voice. I had to be there for her.
The silence in the hotel room sent shivers to my body. Bekka said she would cry, but Nix was silent, in a numb kind of way.
“I never thought this day would happen, Levi.” A sob escaped. “It had been eight years and 6 months since I had my last Ecstasy.”
“Oh no, baby. I don’t know what to tell you.” I sucked at this, but I refused to give up. No matter what she had done, it didn’t change anything for me.
“I... I... screwed up big time. Look, my hands are still shaking.” Her eyes, her voice, everything about her told me how freaked out she was.
“What happened when you went backstage?”
“They had a buffet of pills in a Ziploc bag. Every type, every color. They all took something, and then Alexander gave me the bag and I was suddenly back in high school with the pain, the need to fit in and all the drugs surrounding me. I didn’t have time to process anything, I took one or two, I don’t remember.”
“Nix, come here.” I opened my arms to hold her. My mind was running a hundred miles an hour. “I’ll help you, babe, okay? You can trust me, tell me how you feel. What do you want to do now?” FUCK! I wanted to scream and hurt Brian so badly.
She leaned against me and draped her arms around me. For some reasons, she felt so small, so fragile. I wanted my strong Nix back. Tears were menacing my eyes but shit, I didn’t want to cry.
“I think I’m going to take a shower, it’ll make me feel better, it always does.”
I lift her into my arms, she chuckled through the tears. “I can walk, Levi.”
“I know you can, but let me take care of you, okay?” Her response never came, but her arms tightened around me and that was enough.
When I faced the bath, I expected her to let go and stepped in but she didn’t. Her body was trembling and glued to mine. I stepped inside with her, fully dressed and had the water running. Her cries became more subtle and slowly, she calmed down. Her hold on me never st
opped, I was her stability, her force.
“How are you feeling now? Physically?”
“My stomach is all in knots and my head is killing me but that could be because of all the crying.”
“Are you having a migraine?” I wondered if she had her migraine medication with her.
“A small one, don’t worry. It’ll be okay.”
How could I not worry? I wanted Bekka here to help me deal with all of this.
“Do you want to head back home?”
She nodded her head yes. “We’re done here, Levi. I can’t do this anymore. Brian just wanted me on the stage and he found a way to make me. I want to go home.”
I tried making plans in my head; calling the airline, packing our stuff and making sure Nix didn’t get sick.
“I’ll let you sit here okay. Relax here while I fix everything, and then we’ll leave, okay?”
She nodded as I sat her in the bath.
I got the few things we had taken out the luggage back inside and found dry clothes for both of us. I had never noticed her Sons of Anarchy underwear before. She loved watching that show, enough to buy lingerie, I guessed. She had packed my dark blue jeans and my Seahawks t-shirt. I never wear that shirt, I wondered why she picked that one. I bought it when I went to see a game with my father.
I heard Nix’s phone vibrate and I sure as fuck knew who it was. Brian. I grabbed her phone ready to yell at the fucker. His name appeared on the screen.
“Don’t ever call this number again, you fucked with what’s mine and I won’t let you get near her again. Your daughter battled with drugs before and spent some time in rehab and now, I don’t know what’s going to happen because of you. What a fucking asshole. Don’t ever call her again.” I pressed end and restrained myself from throwing the phone at the wall. So many things I wanted to tell him, I kept it short, but I think my message was clear, to the point.
“Lev?”
Shit, she heard me. “Don’t worry about this baby, it’s under control. It’s okay.”
I took the last of my coffee cup, even cold I liked it, and I took a bite of my croissant. I was starving but too stressed to eat much. Everything’s going to be fine, I kept telling myself.
Walking around in wet clothes wasn’t exactly comfortable. I undressed and packed my drenched clothes away.
I heard a noise coming from the bathroom. “Are you okay in there?
The sound of her heaving and vomiting made me feel helpless. I rushed to her side, held her hair, and rubbed her back. She groaned in pain and I knew that her migraine was a lot worse than she let on. That or her stomach was ill.
“I’m fine, now. I’m fine.” She didn’t sound too convincing. Her eyes were bloody red and her hair had some vomit in them. I felt bad for her, she looked in pain.
She sat on the floor two seconds and hurried back to vomit again.
“Take your time, Nix. I didn’t call the airline yet. We have all the time you need.”
“My stomach hurts, I have nothing left in me.”
“Do you want some water?”
She declined. “I’m going back in the bath, I need to clean up. I stink.” I saw a hint of a smile on her lips.
She walked to the bath with water dripping from her hair. She stepped in and sat. I stayed right next to her and I stared at her. My heart was breaking for her, I wanted to help, but I didn’t know what to do.
“Are you going to change your mind?”
“About what, Rock Star?”
“About marrying me.” Her eyes showed me a mix of emotions. They told me how scared and lost she was, how much she loved me and how much she regretted last night.
Marrying Nix was the best decision of my fucking life. “It doesn’t change anything, Nix. I knew you had some issues before I asked you to marry me. It doesn’t matter to me, I love you.”
Her bottom lip quivered and she bit it to make it stop. “I’m sorry, Levi.”
“It’s okay, Phoenix, I’ll help you. Bekka will too. You are surrounded by people who care. Don’t worry about a thing.”
“Last night is like a blur in my mind. I remember being hyper and extremely happy but everything else, I don’t remember.”
“Let’s forget about last night, focus on the present. Keep your head concentrated on the good things, okay?”
“I love you, Levi, so much. Thank you for coming here with me. Thank you for not leaving me.”
“I’ll never leave you, Nix. Never.”
Phoenix meant everything to me. She was my life.
I was never going to break up with her, I needed her too much.
Chapter SIX
Never in my twenty-eight years had I been so fucking happy to be back in Seattle. We had only been able to catch a flight early on Sunday morning. As soon as our flight landed, I called Bekka to pick us up. Phoenix sat on me, barely able to keep her eyes open. The migraine turned out to be utterly painful. She couldn’t wait to take her medication. Note to self: always make sure her medications were packed when we’re going away.
Bekka was in my bedroom with Nix, talking and taking care of her. Tyler was sitting with me, watching me and waiting for me to ask the damn question I wished I never had to ask.
“So... hum... You heard about what happened to Nix?” Of course, he knew. Get to the fucking point, Levi.
Tyler nodded, not adding or saying anything more.
“So, what did you do when you relapsed?”
“I thought I was... shit... I was living in a fucking hell. I hated myself for taking something, but it brought back the addiction, even though I had been clean for five years.”
“She hates herself and I hate myself too. If I had followed her, I would have been able to stop her... but I didn’t and... Maybe she felt the pressure of taking something or it could be the stress of visiting him.” I would never forgive myself for that.
“Stop, man. Remorse isn’t going to do her any good, okay?” I nodded. “Right now, she needs to know that you trust her, believe in her, and love her.”
“I do. She’s my life.”
He chuckled. “Yeah, okay, Romeo. She might try to get her next fix and please know that she’s probably struggling like a fucker right now. She doesn’t want to do it but she craves it. Keep an eye on her without being too obvious. Don’t ruin this.”
Tyler had some drug issues when we turned twenty years old. He was stoned every damn day of the week, but his parents forced him into rehab and he did the ninety day program. He relapsed a few years ago but he’s all better now.
“It’s good to have you here, Ty.” We fist bumped. “I’ll do whatever I have to keep her sane.”
“I trust you, brother. You were there for me. You helped me through my shit.” He smiled, thankful.
I did help him and I remember every damn day I spent with him. He was moody and groggy and a total pain in the ass, but I stayed with him because Tyler was like a brother to me. If the situation were reversed, I knew he would have done the same thing.
“This time, it feels different. I love her, but I don’t know her as well as I knew you. I’m afraid that I’ll say or do something wrong.”
“You guys are deeper than that.” He drank his beer like there was nothing to worry about. “Go with your gut, how you feel with her. I’m no psychiatrist, but go with your heart, man. You love her, it’s all you need to help her.”
He was right and when I thought about what he said, I felt better. A weight was lifted off my shoulders. I loved her, and that was enough for me to save her from her demons.
“Hey, guys. She’s asleep now.” Bekka came into the kitchen and sat next to Tyler. They kissed and left me feeling like I didn’t belong there. “She wants to go back to class on Monday and try to live her normal life.”
“Damn, can she really do that?” I asked her, doubting it could be possible.
“The least we can do is let her try. If she can, that’s awesome and if she fails, we’ll have to help her.”
Normal
ly, Phoenix was so strong and motivated about everything she was working on. Now, it all changed, and another side of her personality came through. “I’m not saying we can’t but what if she needs something much more than us. What if she needs to go back to rehab?”
“Then, she will. No other choice. I won’t let her ruin her life.” Bekka didn’t hesitate one second. Her friend’s life meant everything and she wouldn’t let Nix ruin what she worked so hard for.
“I’m with you. We’ll talk to her together, if we have to. But I want to be involved.”
“Of course, Lev.”
This period of our life sucked hard but I guessed it would make us stronger in the end. My admiration for her didn’t change, she impressed me even more. She didn’t hesitate to tell me what she had done. She never tried to hide it from me and that showed me how much she trusted and believed in us.
“Hey, guys, I’m gonna head to bed. I had a shitty weekend and I’ve been through a truck load of emotions. I’m exhausted.”
“Night, Lev.” Bekka said.
I waved at them and headed to my bedroom. Phoenix was on her side, her knees up to her stomach and her fist clenched. I loathed seeing her like that.
I took off my shirt and pants and joined her. With my arms, I pulled her against my chest and her body relaxed at my touch.
“Babe?” She murmured.
“Shhh. Go back to dreamland.” I kissed her cheek. “I’m here.”
She groaned and entwined her legs with mine. God, it felt good to have her with me.
I could hear Bekka and Tyler talking in the kitchen. Bekka was afraid and undecided on what needed to be done with Phoenix. Tyler suggested that we wait and I had to agree with him. I knew rehab was probably the best option but I wanted to give her the possibility to do this on her own. Fight her demons by herself, and if the demons were stronger, then we would do what was necessary.
