by Jude Ouvrard
It must have been three in the morning when I fell asleep. My thoughts lost and my arms holding her to me. So many things were going through my mind, it exhausted me.
Phoenix’s alarm clock woke me up at 7am but she was already gone. Her place in our bed was cold and the clothes she wore yesterday were on the floor. I got up and rushed out of the room.
“Nix?” I called her name loud. Too loud, but I thought she was gone.
“I’m here.” She whispered from the living room.
She looked at me, all dressed up and showered, reading some papers for her class. “I couldn’t sleep. I woke up an hour ago. You can go back to bed, Levi. You look tired.” Her eyes fixated on my hair and her cheeks flushed.
“It’s okay, I’ll give you a ride to school and then I’ll catch up on my designs at the shop. I need a fucking strong coffee though.” I hated Mondays and today wasn’t going to be the exception.
“Life is unfair.” She pouted, holding back a laugh.
Unfair, yes. I wanted your life to be as pretty as you. “Why?”
She fell asleep crying and struggling with a migraine and this morning, her mood seemed like the complete opposite. I was lost.
“You wake up, and you look like this. Your hair rebelled against you and it makes you absolutely hot. I mean, I just spent an hour in the shower, drying my hair, putting makeup on and I’m just okay and you wake up, and you make me weak in the knees and all these things come to my mind. Really, life is unfair.”
I burst out in laughter. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be this hot. I didn’t even try to impress you.” I gave her my best smirk, the one she fell for, numerous times.
“Come here.” How could I say no to that? But at the same time, what happened during the night? She went from depressed to flirting. I didn’t expect that.
I strived to get to her within the next second. “You’re beautiful, Rock Star, and I love you.” The sound of her giggle as I kissed her neck gave me the shivers. I thought I wasn’t going to hear that sound for a while. “Are you feeling better this morning?”
She nodded. “I’m getting ready for my class. If something goes wrong, I’ll call you but I think I’ll be okay.”
“Don’t hesitate to call me, I want to help you, okay?” I kissed her, loving the feel of her lip gloss on my lips and the cherry flavor. “You’re my priority, now and always.”
She took me in charge, kissed me, grabbed my ass and made me go fucking crazy before biting on my lips, softly. “We’ve got to go in ten minutes.”
Shit. “I need a cold shower or I’ll keep this.” My finger pointed down at my pants. “All day.” We both laughed and it started the day on a totally different tone than expected.
While driving her to class, I tried not to think about her attempt to seduce me. I had no time for a second cold shower. I was crazy for her. We held hands because it was all we could do now. Something felt good about today, I had hope that she was going to be fine. She seemed good, way too good for the weekend we had. I thought I should be worried but I didn’t want to be. A part of me wanted to believe it was going to be alright.
“Don’t forget, okay, babe?”
She gave me a small grin. “I promise.”
As I parked my car by the entrance of the University, my arms took her in an embrace. I didn’t want to let her go. The past two weekends had been horrible and we both needed to catch a break.
“I’ll pick you up later. Text me or call me when you’re on break.”
She kissed me, once and twice. “I love you, Angel.”
She got out of the car and shut the door. I watched her walk away hoping that she would turn around to look at me, and she did.
Driving to the shop in my mustang, I tried to keep my head on the right side, to stay positive. The engine roared when the light turned green, I fucking loved that sound, but I preferred any sounds coming out of Nix’s mouth. I parked my car right in front of the shop and walked in, ready to work for a couple of hours.
“Hey, K.”
“Sup, douche?”
“Shit, you don’t want to know. If you think Vegas was fucked up. You haven’t seen shit yet.”
Kyle dropped his bottle of inks on the table and came to sit by me. “What happened?”
Should I tell him or not? Well, there wasn’t a point in hiding it from him. I sighed, revealing everything. “When Nix was a teenager, she went to rehab after she overdosed at school, and her prick of a father offered her a buffet of pills at the concert. I’m not even sure what she took exactly but she became fearless and hyper like a rabbit. She got on stage and sang like a fucking pro.”
“No way...”
“Yeah. The next day, she was a mess and now, she seems better but only time will tell.”
“Shit, man, I hope she doesn’t want to see him again. I knew something was off about him.” Kyle had the power to recognize any asshole who came into the shop. He’d refused many customers over the years. With K, it wasn’t all about the money. He was a tattoo artist because he loved it and claimed he didn’t need to work with assholes. Although the money was good, it didn’t mean shit to him. He’d rather work on ten small and boring tattoo then working on a sleeve with someone who couldn’t stop bitching.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been around much lately. I’ll try to catch up on my projects this week.”
He patted my shoulder. “Sometimes tattooing comes in second, Levi.”
Kyle had a point.
“But tattooing helps me clear my mind.”
“Good thing because Frantz will be here in two hours. I was about to call you.”
“Frantz?”
“He said something about a cherry blossom, I’m not sure what he has on mind.”
I liked drawing flowers. Probably not a good idea to tell Kyle because he would recommend me to everyone. There was something captivating about them. I liked reproducing them, making them look real.
I took my pen and worked on a couple of sketches until Frantz came in. Nix hadn’t called so I presumed she had taken control of her addiction. No matter how much I tried to concentrate on my work, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. The first time I saw her. The first time I spoke to her. Our first kiss, that morning in the kitchen or when we danced in Las Vegas, her smile when our bodies were in synch. I wanted all these moments again, and I didn’t want them tainted by drugs. Bekka wasn’t going to let this happen, me neither.
“Hey, Lev, I was thinking about getting an old school pin-up girl on my calf and I want you to do it. Do you think you can arrange that?” Kyle asked.
“A pin-up girl? Really? Like a marine?” He nodded with excitement. “You realize that it will be your last big piece, right? Because you’ve got ink almost every-fucking-where.”
“My dad is a marine and he met my mom at a soirée the marines had organized back in the 70’s. It’s okay if it’s my last big one. It means enough for me.”
“I agree. Family is important.” I looked at my knuckles, it means so much. Nix was my family, my future. I still couldn’t believe I had gotten my knuckles inked but I had no regrets.
Frantz arrived on time and we spent over two hours together talking at first, and then, working on his flowers. He was the laid back kind of guy, never heard him complaint about the pain. I wish all my clients were like him. The worst clients had to be a group of girls, kind of like when Nix, Bekka and Val came, except they were kind of cool too. Anyway, some of those groups liked to add some drama, and I believed they liked to fake the pain too. Most of my body was covered by ink, I had felt the pain, but never felt the urge to whimper. Girls would always be girls, I sighed.
I’m startled by the ring of my phone and the name showing on the screen. She should be in class at this time.
“Babe?” I heard sobs and I knew something had happened. “Tell me where you are and I’ll be there in five minutes.”
“I’m stupid, Levi, I’m such an idiot.”
“You are not, Phoenix. Do no
t say that. Where are you?”
“I’m in the bathroom. I’ll meet you in the lobby.” She hung up and I knew I had to hurry.
“I’m out, K, something happened.”
“Go, take care of her.”
I got in my car and hurried to reach her. The traffic was light, but two red lights slowed me down. “Come on, come on, God damn it.” My engine of my car groaned as I pushed down on the pedal. My fiancée needed me. I spotted her sitting on a bench. I parked the car and jumped out to run to her.
“Rock Star, are you okay? Tell me what happened?”
She ran into my arms and I felt her body shaking, for a brief moment our eyes met, her pupil dilated. Shit!
“I was going to get something to eat in between my classes when I crossed path with the potheads. I never talked to them before but they nodded at me in the hallway as if they knew. So, I jumped on the occasion, and I got myself two Valiums and I took them right away as if I couldn’t even control myself.”
“When was that?” What was I supposed to do?
“Twenty minutes ago.” The effect hadn’t started to kick in.
“Why were you in the bathroom, did you get sick?”
“I tried to get it out, force it out of my mouth, but my stomach is empty and starving. I can’t do this, Levi.” Her cries hurt me; the panic in her eyes saddened me.
“Do you want to go to the hospital or go home?”
“Home, please. I just need to drink a lot of water or milk, then I’ll be able to vomit. I did that before, it used to work.”
This was fucked up. I wasn’t angry with her, I couldn’t be but I hated to be in this situation. Life had to give her a break. Her mom turned her back on her and her biological father managed to fuck her up within two hours. I felt her pain, she was lost and probably broken beyond my capacity to help her. She had to seek professionals.
I drove back home, burning a red light and driving above the limits. She ran inside, she looked unstable, dizzy even.
She drank milk from the container as soon as she arrived. The milk spilled on the sides of her mouth, and on her top. Then, she locked herself in the bathroom.
“Babe, let me in.” I ordered her but she completely ignored me.
I heard the noise of her drinking more milk and then, the sound of hers vomiting. She did it. I took five seconds to text Bekka, as our agreement said. Bek was the only thing that linked her to her past, Nix needed her more than me, I was afraid.
“Phoenix, are you okay?”
I heard the small click of the door being unlocked. Her eyes were half opened, and frosty. The drug had started to kick in, we were too late.
“Get me in bed, Levi, please.” She begged. Her arms and legs looked too heavy for her to move. She looked drunk and had a ridiculous smile on her face. I hated that smile because it wasn’t her. It reflected the demon she had lost a fight against.
She said things that made no sense, she laughed at herself while I tried to take her out of her milk imprinted top. At that point, I wanted to scream, I wanted her to listen to me, I had to find the Phoenix I knew. My throat tightened with pain as Bekka entered the room.
“Oh crap, she did the milk thing?” I nodded. “She used to do that back then when she regretted taking whatever she had engulfed. It doesn’t look like it worked, but at least she regretted it.”
“She really did. She was so ashamed of herself. I’m just glad she called me.”
“I’ll take it from here, Lev, okay? I’ll meet you in the kitchen. It won’t be long.”
I took a last look at Nix, feeling hurt. She hadn’t meant to hurt me, but her actions broke my heart. I walked to the kitchen feeling defeated and angry. Not at her but at the situation. The real Nix, the one I fell in love with, didn’t want anything to do with drugs. She was smart, beautiful and fucking mine. The girl in our bedroom didn’t reflect any of this. It felt like a second person, a clone.
I wanted her in a rehabilitation center by the next sunrise, it wasn’t negotiable. It had to be the only option, only way for her to get back on her two feet. We had so many plans together, I didn’t want her addiction to ruin everything.
Jesus Christ, a tear ran down my cheek. Man up, Levi, man the fuck up.
I couldn’t sit still, my whole body trembled, and I didn’t know if it was the adrenaline or anxiety. I could hear them in our bedroom. Bekka had switched to a motherly tone and the giggles of Nix were unstoppable.
An hour later, Bekka walked out of our room and she looked irritated.
“I told her I was calling the center she stayed at years ago. I want her gone tonight, Levi. I’m sorry but I can’t deal with her. I’m her friend but I’m not a fucking pro at this shit.”
“We’re both thinking the same thing, then. Tell me what you want me to do. What about her school?”
“I didn’t figure that out yet. She might have to wait until the next semester to return. She still has time to cancel her semester. Anyway, her life or her health is way more important than a piece of paper.”
“I’ll get her stuff ready to go. You’ll call them?”
“I will.” She sighed, her hands hiding the tears on her face.
I didn’t know what to do, but my heart couldn’t let her cry alone. I held her in my arms, it felt awkward but it was the right thing to do.
“She is asleep now, I don’t think she had the full effect of the drug. Maybe drinking the milk helped this time. You can go in there and pack her things, I doubt she will notice.”
I nodded and let her go. She had some research to do and I had a suitcase to fill.
When I entered the room again, she was asleep and so beautiful. Her lips were right next to her wrist, the tattooed one. She had my name marked on her, I meant something to her. She wouldn’t hate me for doing this, right? I had to look after her, make sure she received the help she needed. Maybe talking about her mother and father to a therapist would help her and make her stronger. My love for her couldn’t cover all of the necessary support. I was a smart man, I knew that but this, I had never expected it and I found myself helpless. In the past, I dealt with Tyler’s struggle, but he had the support of professionals. Sending her to rehab only meant that we loved her.
I grabbed all of her jeans and a whole bunch of tops and underwear. I kept the sexy ones here. These were mine to see only. I couldn’t imagine living here without her, how long was she going to be away? It hurt me to my guts to think I wouldn’t be with her every morning, but Bekka and I agreed on this, sending Nix away seemed to be the only way.
Thirty, sixty or ninety days from now, the nightmare would be over. She loved me, I loved her, we were strong and about to marry, we had control over this.
Chapter SEVEN
The ride to the rehabilitation center killed me. Phoenix cried all the way there. She was angry, sad and overall having a really bad day. I almost stopped on the side of the road at least fifteen times but I didn’t, I had to stay strong and get there as soon as possible. Bekka had worked her ass off to get her in tonight. We didn’t want to take the chance that it happened again. We cared for Nix’s sanity way too much to let her lose control again.
Bekka sat with her to the back seat, I watched them through my mirror. I could tell how much they loved each other, how much their friendship meant to them. I envied Bekka, I wished it could have been me on the back seat. I craved Nix’s proximity. I let Bekka handle things all evening... For some reasons, seeing Nix so fucked up and lost frightened me and it left me uncertain on how to act around her. I simply wanted to hold her hand, protect her.
After over an hour in the car, we made it to the center. I got out and opened the car door for my fiancée. The look on her eyes begged me for forgiveness but to me, this situation was simply a bump on the road. We could overcome this.
“Come here, babe.” My arms opened for her to join me. She gave me a tiny smile and pressed her body against mine. Her long hair smelled like our shampoo, her neck, the perfume I had given her over
the summer. My hands rubbed her small waist and it awakened in me the reason of my love for her. Her simplicity, her beautiful smile and the perfect curves her body teased me with.
“Come on, Levi. Let’s get her inside.” Bekka ordered me with a cold tone to her voice. I just wanted to spend two small minutes with my love.
“Coming.” Nix stepped again but kept her hand locked with mine. She put a lot of strength into it. She knew what was coming her way, she had already been through the process of getting her life back. This time though, was the last time, I promised myself.
I got her luggage with my free hand and we followed Bekka inside. Phoenix tried to slow the pace down, she was in no hurry to sign in and I understood.
“Hi, may I help you?” A lady asked as soon as we stepped inside.
“Yes, Phoenix Silverstone is checking in.” Bekka took control of the situation. “Here are all the papers you asked me to fill in on the phone.”
“Thank you, ma’am. I’m Suzette and I’ll be making sure Ms. Silverstone is taken to her room.”
Phoenix pulled me to her, feeling the moment coming. The moment where I would leave her alone in the hands of professional’s help.
“I love you, Rock Star. You know that, right?”
She kissed my shoulder. “I know, babe. I love you to the moon and back. I’m terrified, but I’ll do this for me. I’ve been so confused lately. I have to get my head straight before I become your wife.”
“God, I love you.” I lifted her into my arms, letting the tears slide down my cheeks. I didn’t care, emotions had that power over me. “Stay here as long as you need, okay? When you leave, I want you to be happy, good and well rested. You deserve the best, Nix.”
“I don’t know if I’ll be able to call you but if I can’t, I’ll send you letters. I’ll miss you. I can’t wait to be back home with you, but I have to do this.” Small tears ran down her cheeks.
“It’s time to check in now, Ms. Silverstone.”
