by Jude Ouvrard
I nodded to the lady and Nix pulled away from me, our hands staying connected as long as we could. Bekka pulled me outside while my eyes stayed focused on Phoenix and the sadness in her eyes. The day was already over, the night had set it. The darkness was brightened by the millions of the stars in the sky. Millions of them watching over my Nix.
The ride back home was dreadful. Bekka had fallen asleep, exhausted by our crazy and unforgettable day while I drove my car, just above the limit. I needed a drink and a good talk with my brother, Tyler.
“Hey, Bek, we’re home. I’m heading over to Black Shakers. I need to forget about this day, I can’t go back in just yet.”
“I’ll go with you, if you don’t mind.”
Just like that, we headed to the club, both of us tired and shattered. Her friend and my girlfriend had challenged us more than we hoped for. The fact that we took action now will help her heal faster, I had no doubt. It hadn’t been two hours yet and already, my heart was aching and missing her. My addiction to her represented how much I treasured her. I couldn’t understand how I had been able to survive before meeting her.
My mustang parked in the back of the club, we both hurried inside. While I strolled toward Tiff to say hi, Bekka broke down in the arms of Tyler. What a fucking day!
“Hey, Lev. You want something to drink?”
“Hell yeah. Give me something strong.”
“Tequila or vodka?”
“Jack Daniel.” I sighed. “Keep the bottle nearby.”
Tiff watched me, silently asking me if I was serious. “Getting pissed won’t make her feel better, Levi.” She finally said.
“I know, but I will.” I thought I deserved one freaking night off. I had so much on my mind. Sadness, anger, pain and I already fucking missed her. Alcohol wasn’t the remedy, I knew that but... I didn’t know... I just wanted a drink.
“How was she?” She asked, her voice low, just loud enough for me to hear through the music.
“I wish I knew. She loves me, that’s the most important thing. Otherwise, she looked like hell.”
“So many of my friends took that road. It’s sad.”
“If it wasn’t for her idiotic father, she would still be here and in top shape. Now, she’s broken and full of regrets.”
“She’s in a good center, I checked. They’ll take good care of her and they’ll probably help her deal with all of the recent issues.”
I nodded. Tiff had a point.
On my fifth shot, I started to feel something and that’s when Tyler showed up looking mad.
“Getting drunk the night your fiancée checks in to rehab is not exactly a good idea.” He paused. “You look like shit, by the way.” He sighed angrily. “I thought you were smarter than this.”
“Shut up, Ty.” What’s wrong with me? “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. I shouldn’t be here. I’m like a fucking volcano right now.” I tried to stand up from my stool, but I sat back down.
“Yeah, but you can’t go. You’ve had too much to drink. Do you want me to call a taxi?”
Now, I was fuming. Tyler schooled me, made me feel like a complete idiot. I hated that he was right. I only wanted to get the emotions out of my head, I couldn’t deal with all of this. Normally, in circumstances like this, I would get a tattoo, drink, draw or clean up the shop. Tonight, I had opted for the drinking but now, the shop seemed to be where I had to be.
“I’m heading to the shop, I’ll walk. I’m sorry, Ty.” I said, avoiding him.
“No reason to be sorry, brother.” He tapped my shoulder and he hugged me. “I know it sucks right now but focus on the future and you’ll have her back in no time.”
“It’s not about me, it’s about her getting better.” I slurred the words as I tried to get up from my stool a second time. At that point, I realized I had lost count of the shots I had drunk. “Can you give Bekka a ride back home? I can’t...”
It felt like walking on a cloud, the city hidden under a thick fog. I had no idea what time it was but the city reminded me of a ghost town. I was freaking alone. “I’m alone,” I whispered hoarsely, crossing the street to the shop. I couldn’t even see the stars, they slept far away behind the fog leaving me with the low lights of the city to find my own way. Just like Nix, the stars were away. So damn far away. I wanted to cry.
I got to the front door of the shop, stumbling on the small step as if it hadn’t always been there. I knocked a couple of times but K must have had gone home. I unlocked the door and spotted the couch. I asked myself if I had come here to work or sleep. The couch sounded much more inviting than my work place. Slowly, I reached the red cushion of the couch and let myself fall into it. The heaviness of my body drowned me in the couch and just like that, I passed out.
Noises interrupted my sleep but the headache hammering my head kept me from getting up. I groaned at the pain in my head and back. “Holy... Mary... Jesus Christ.” I wanted to die, how would I survive the day feeling life this?
“Good morning, drunk.”
I groaned and tried to roll on my side. “Give me a hand, will you?” He helped me up and steadied me. I had never been that dizzy in my entire life. My head would feel a lot better if K could stop laughing so loud.
My first night without Nix turned out to be less painful than I thought because I didn’t remember any of it. I had the headache to remind me how stupid I was, getting drunk to tame the pain I felt without her. She was locked in a center alone that had to be worse.
“Are you okay, Levi?”
“Yeah, I’m okay.” It took all the energy left in me just to reach for the door. “I’ll be back later.”
“Take a shower, you smell like crap.”
Why were my friends always telling me how bad I looked or smelled? What was their problem? Maybe it was me.
“Later, man.”
“Here, take this and grab a taxi.” He handed me a twenty.
I nodded and flagged down the first taxi I saw.
The apartment was dead quiet. Bekka must have stayed at Tyler’s place for the night. At least, I would be able to catch up on my sleep. I pulled the comforter over my head and breathed in the perfume of Nix on her pillow. She smelled amazingly good, I tried imagining that she was lying in my arms. It was all I could do for now. Dreaming until I had her back. Soon, I hoped.
The images of her walking toward me in a gorgeous white dress with her curly hair beautifully done. Our wedding day meant everything. It had become my life goal.
The first week without Nix resulted in a total nightmare. I was an asshole to everyone, I mopped around and didn’t have a care in the world unless it regarded work. Working became my priority, focusing on my designs and called some clients. I spent all my energy there. Poor Kyle though, I’d been listening to the same song over and over again, House of the Rising Sun. Her beautiful voice remained on my mind. Whenever she sang that song, it gave me the chills. Then, it reminded me of the moment I found her with her father at the bar of our hotel in Las Vegas. The song that caught my attention and led me to her. I remembered the look on her face and it hurt me. The smile on Brian’s face and how happy he looked. Bittersweet memory.
We worked on Tyler’s tattoo and it looked fantastic. We both designed it, mixing our styles and adding beautiful striking colors. I wanted one too at some point but I had gotten enough tattoos lately. The curves of the pin-up girl made her look voluptuous and sexy without being trashy. A real classic vintage pin-up girl that most artists envied. We both agree that this tattoo deserved to be on our wall of fame.
“Thanks for asking me to do this, K. It turned out to be a fun challenge. We totally rocked this.”
I was definitely itching to get some new ink but to be honest, I had no idea what I wanted. I tried to think of a few things but I passed, for this time only.
We stayed at the shop late and ordered pizza. Even Tyler showed up and ate with us.
“I came here to tell you that Bekka is worried about you, Lev.” His eyes serious, not
leaving mine. “Are you okay? You’ve been acting up all week.” I was touched of how concerned he was about me.
“I can’t say that I’m okay, but I’m here trying to go on with my life.” I paused. “I can’t wait to hear from her.” No letter, no email or phone call. It drove me insane.
He sighed and hesitated at first. “Usually, the first week is the hardest one. They may not allow any contact with her family or friends.”
“Shit!” It came out of my mouth before I could process it.
“I know, man. But the good news is that they are working with her. Hammering her demons. Cleaning out the temptation. She is getting the treatment she needs. Keep her in your thoughts and heart.”
“She always is.”
“She’ll be alright, brother. She is strong and she wasn’t deep into drugs. She’s not a cocaine or crystal med addict. She relapsed, right, but she is far from being a crackhead.”
“She’s got this, I know she does. She’ll be back stronger than ever. I think I’m doing worse than her. It’s harder for me not being with her.”
“It’s normal, you built a routine with her and while you’re doing everything like usual, she’s not here. Suck it up, it’s only for a short period of time.
“He is pussy-whipped, Tyler.”
My fist hit his shoulder hard, he winced. “Shut up, K.” We all laughed.
“He’s right, though, you really are.”
I laughed louder, as if he wasn’t completely losing his mind over Bekka. “You can’t even stay away from Bekka for more than an hour. You think you are better than me but you’re just as bad.”
“Alright, alright. You’re right, she got me by the balls.” He chuckled. “But I love her, damn, she’s perfect me for and accepts me and...” We were silent, expecting Tyler to say more but he didn’t. “I’ve got to pick up Bekka and then, head to the club.”
“I don’t think I’ll stop by tonight, man. I think I’m going to go home and relax. Have a beer and watch...”
“Porn.” K cut me off, proud of himself.
“No, not porn, idiot. I want to watch a movie, a regular one on the movie channel. I honestly just want to be home.”
Kyle nodded not believing a word of what I had said.
Tyler left and I followed him.
The nights were getting colder and colder. My hoodie was starting to run too thin, I had to get something warmer for the future. I stayed warm under the hood and hid my hands in my front pocket. What kind of idea was it to walk home? Now I was freezing my ass off. “Good idea, Levi.” I murmured to myself.
It was a few minutes past nine when I got home. The apartment was cold and empty. I missed all the energy I used to feel when I moved here. The smell of Nix’s body spray or their frozen lasagna cooking in the oven. I smiled thinking of having one for myself. Why not? I didn’t waste any more time and took a carton box from the freezer and placed the frozen lasagna into the oven. I couldn’t believe how three girls had planned to eat that many lasagnas without getting sick or gaining fifty pounds. While it cooked, I jumped in the shower to warm up and as soon as I shut the water down I heard my phone ringing. I grabbed a towel and ran to my phone, hitting my toe against the corner of the coffee table. Too scared to miss the call, I didn’t take the time to look at the screen to see who was calling.
“Hello.” I say out of breath and in pain, convinced I had broken a toe.
“Levi.”
“Huh... yeah... it’s me.” I was familiar with the voice. “Who is it?”
“King... It’s Brian. I want to talk to Phoenix.” He paused. “I need to explain myself. When you guys came to visit, I screwed up and now I’m regretting everything.”
“Nix isn’t here. She is in a rehab center, trying to get help after her father wasted all of her years of hard work. She is a mess right now and she doesn’t want to see you again, Brian.”
I thought I heard a sob coming out of his mouth.
“You had one chance to make it right after a life of regrets and you blew it. Leave her alone. She deserves that much.” I said. I could hear the anger in my voice.
“Can you at least tell her I’m sorry?” His voice broke down. I felt his pain because Phoenix had the power to get anyone’s attention and love. I had to protect her from him.
“I can’t promise anything. I haven’t talked to her since she checked in.”
“She’s in my prayers, Levi. She always has been.”
“I have to get going now, Brian. Please, don’t make it harder for her than it already is.” I hung up not wanting to hear what he had to say. Telling Nix about him wasn’t a good idea for the moment. She had to keep Brian away from her thoughts. She had to move forward and get her strength back.
I wasn’t opposed to telling her when the time was right.
The pain coming from my toe finally brought me back to the present. I could feel my heart beating in my toe. It required some ice now. I jumped on one foot all the way to the freezer. “God damn it, as if it was necessary to deal with this.”
I applied a bag of green beans on it and it hurt just as much as it felt good. I tried to put my foot back on the floor at the same time as my cell phone started to ring. “Brian!” I shoot angrily.
“I told you not to call again.”
“Baby?”
“Nix. Oh baby.” All the emotions of the past days came rushing at me. I wanted to jump up and down with happiness, I wanted to cry or smile, I wanted her. “How are you doing? How is it?”
“It’s challenging, I’m better now than when I arrived. They are great and I think in the end, I’ll benefit from it. At first, I felt like they were tearing me apart, but they only had to go to the source of my issue.”
“I’m so happy to hear from you and glad that you are doing better. I miss you so much, babe.” I sighed, happy, hoping I wasn’t dreaming. “I’m glad they are helping you get better. You’re so important to me.”
“I love you, Levi. I’ll be back in no time.”
I chuckled. “I never thought I would say this but take your time. I don’t want you to rush anything. I want you to leave rehab when you feel a hundred percent.”
“And then, we’ll get married.” I could hear her smile in her voice. The ring in her voice seemed lighter and more cheerful than before. I was thankful for that.
“You’ll be the prettiest bride ever.” I promised her.
“I have to go, already. I’ll call when they let me. Take care. Say ‘hi’ to Bekka for me.”
“I love you, babe.” The line went dead. “Rock Star?” I waited. “Babe... I love you.” I looked at my phone, a smile appeared on my face. She called and seemed okay. So many things popped into my head, things I wanted to tell her. I could have talked to her for hours. And then, we’ll get married, she said. Fucking right!
Just as I was about to jump like a fool, I remembered my toe and stopped mid-movement. I texted Bekka.
Levi: Nix says Hi. She seemed better.
Few minutes later.
Bekka: She called you? What did she say?
Levi: It wasn’t easy at first but now, she is doing better and she still wants to marry me.
Bekka: Of course. She loves you. Thanks for letting me know.
Levi: Night.
Bekka: Night old man.
The couch was calling my name. I turned on the TV and switched to the movie channel. There was nothing more I wanted than to sit down, but the lasagna was almost ready. I placed the bag of green beans on my foot again and took two Advil’s hoping that it would numb the pain.
Relaxing on the couch with my tummy full, a big smile on my face and the latest action movie... Tonight ended up being good. Of course, Brian called but he got the message now. We didn’t need him in our lives and his chance to have Nix in his life had been taken away from him the second he took her backstage. Unfortunately for him, he learned the hard way, protecting Nix meant everything to me.
Waking up early morning, still on the couch with
the sun rays lightening the room, I limped all the way back to my room. With Nix away, all I wanted to do was sleep. I felt lazy but I really was tired and stressed.
The second and third weeks flew by. I got few more phone calls from Nix and she seemed well, most of the time. The one thing I hated about her phone calls was how short they were. She mentioned our marriage again and I couldn’t be happier. She had started looking at dates in her downtime at the center. If I could marry her within the month, I would. I didn’t want to wait too long. Nix had mentioned June or July, after her graduation. She was able to follow a few of her class online, thankfully.
We were coming closer to the end of the fourth week now. From what Nix had mentioned, she would be out soon. I hoped this week was the last one. I wanted her back. No words could explain how much I missed her. A part of me was missing.
Tyler and Bekka had invited me for dinner tonight, so I drove to his place right after work. I had been working a lot this week. It seemed to be the high season of the college girls getting tattooed. Some of the girls were brave enough to get bigger pieces, half a sleeve or back piece. Things were changing, I presumed. To some people, tattoos were just a trend but to all the people wearing them, it was permanent. A permanent piece of art.
I knocked on Ty’s door. He lived on the second floor of the club. His apartment was huge and completely remodelled. This place looked like a crackhead hole when he bought the building but now, it was worth a lot of money.
“Hey, man, come in.” I heard Bekka say hi from the back.
There was music playing in the back, some kind of smooth lounge beat. Bekka seemed really happy to see me and it felt odd. She hugged me really tightly. I hadn’t seen her much lately maybe that was why. I was clueless really.
“Do you want something to drink?” Ty asked. He had a bottle of wine opened on the counter, but I felt like having a beer.
“A beer, if you have one.”
He offered me an imported beer from Germany. It tasted really good, different.
“You can go in the living room, I’ll meet you there. I’m just going to get the chips and salsa ready.”
