Her Journey Begins

by Karen Einsel

  Sorry” She tells him as she touches the wet spot her tears leave on his shirt. He squeezes her again, let’s her go and leaves. Barb tries to comfort her, tries to keep Chris’ mind occupied, but nothing seems to help and she finally let’s Chris go out and sit on the porch swing, knowing that will just make Chris cry more, remembering all the times Brandon and her sat there, but there’s just nothing she can do. She knows Chris is strong and that over time…her heart will mend.

  

  Chris watches as Brad pulls into the driveway and walks up the steps to where she’s sitting on the porch swing. He sits down next to her and wraps his arms around her.

  “You doing okay?“ Chris shakes her head and lays it against his shoulder. Brad takes a deep breath before speaking. “Brandon was a brave young man Chris and he loved you very much.”

  “But he shouldn’t have done that Dad. He should never have ran between me and them.”

  “Chris honey I would have done the same thing. Even your mom would have. Brandon didn’t want to see you hurt. He didn’t want to lose you.”

  “Oh but its okay that I lost him? It’s just doesn’t seem right. It’s not fair.” Chris uses her fingers to wipe the tears from her cheeks. She bites her lip. “Did he look…Chris rubs her fingers across her face and lips. “Did he look okay? Oh dad…”

  Brad tightens his arms around her and lays his cheek on her head. “He looked good Chris. He had on a dark blue suit and he was at peace. There were quite a few people there. I’m guessing mostly kids from your school. Brent was there with his parents. They asked how you were and they send you their love. Chris, Brandon’s parents left before I did. There’s still about twenty minutes left, do you want to go say goodbye?”

  Looking out in the distance she whispers no. She knows it was hard enough having him die in her arms, but that’s the way she wants to remember him. Seeing him lying there in the coffin would rip her heart out completely.

  “Are you ready to go in?”

  “No. I think I’ll stay out here for a little while longer.”

  “Alright, but don‘t stay out here too long, okay?” He kisses her on the forehead, stands up, and pulls the memorial card out of his pocket, handing it to her before going inside.

  Looking down at the card through her tears, Chris can see Brandon’s parents had his senior portrait printed on the front. She touches his face softly before opening it up. She reads the Lord’s Prayer printed inside and closing her eyes Chris can picture him lying there in the coffin. His hands folded across his chest, but no matter how hard she tries, she can’t see his wedding ring on his finger, knowing in her heart that he’s not wearing it and that he won’t be buried with it. Sobbing Chris holds the card to her breast and whispers, “I’m sorry.”

  

  Earlier that morning, Brent had measured exactly five hundred feet in every direction and placed a single white rose at each spot so Chris would know where she could stand. Chris wasn’t going to go, but mom finally convinced her she needed to, knowing that if she didn’t she would regret it the rest of her life. Chris looks down at the roses. “Mom. Do you think Brent measured right? This doesn’t seem to be far enough away.”

  “It’s far enough Chris. Come on before everyone gets here.”

  Barb puts her arm around Chris and they walk up to the grave site where Brandon will be buried so Chris can leave a purple iris for Brent to place on the coffin for her. Chris looks at the flowers that have already been set in place and the mound of dirt that is covered by a carpet of imitation grass. The contraption that the coffin will be placed on and that lowers it in the hole is sitting over the unearthed grave. Chris takes a deep breath, turns and walks back down the hill to where she has decided to stand. Barb follows Chris and puts her arm around her as they watch the hearse pull up, followed by the cars holding family and friends. Chris watches through her tears as Brent and the other pallbearers carry the coffin to the stand. There are 5 other pallbearers besides Brent. Brent’s dad is one of them, and then there are three of his teammates from baseball, but the other man Chris doesn’t know. Maybe a relative or family friend, she’s not sure. But it’s not important. Almost collapsing as she sees Amber walk up and place a single red rose on Brandon’s coffin, Chris sits down on her knees and watches as Amber sits down next to Brandon’s mom. “I should be sitting there, not her.” Chris lowers her head and placing her hands between her knees, she prays. Looking back up, she sees Brent holding her flower as he sits down. There are a lot of people here, so the minister speaks loudly and Chris can hear most of the sermon. She prays with each prayer, and talks to Brandon in her mind. Telling him everything will be okay and how much she loves him, and misses him. After the service, Chris watches Brent lay her flower on the coffin and then bend down and whisper something. She can’t hear him, so she has no idea what he’s saying. She watches as people start to leave. Bowing her head to say one last prayer, Chris hears Brent yelling and she looks up in that direction. He’s standing face to face with Brandon’s mom. “She was his wife and he loved her.” Chris can’t hear everything, but she does hear Brent tell her that the coffin is sealed and she can’t do anything about it. Brandon’s mom yells something back at him and he tells her to “Go to hell.” As he storms off, Chris sees Brent’s parents walking towards her. Panicking, Chris wants to get up and run, but Barb stops her. “Mom, I’m not supposed to be here…”

  “Shh…It’s okay.”

  Chris stands up as Mary walks over and puts her arms around her and hugs her tight. “Chris, I’m so sorry. You know if there is anything we can do, just let us know.” Mary lets go and lets Peter hug her.

  As they are walking away, Chris whispers, “Why was Brent so upset? What was he referring to about the coffin?”

  Brent’s mom walks back to Chris, puts her arms around her, and whispers. “Brent put Brandon’s wedding ring on his finger last night before they sealed his casket.” Letting go they walk away and Chris sits back down on her knees and cries.

  Watching as everyone drives away Chris and Barb walk up to the casket. Looking around to make sure no one is watching her Chris sees the back hoe that will cover up the grave. Funny she doesn’t remember it sitting there before. The minister and the hearse driver are standing next to it talking to the groundskeeper. Chris reaches over, softly touches the casket and takes a deep breath and with the words catching in her throat she whispers.

  “Oh Brandon…”

  The minister walks over to her. “I’m sorry, but you really should leave. They will be lowering his casket in a few minutes and we find that, that is something that can be too devastating on the family and friends.

  Chris shakes her head and Barb puts her arm around her, “Chris, are you sure?” Barb looks at the minister, “We are staying.” The minister bows his head and prays as they lower the casket into the ground. Chris clenches and unclenches her hands but doesn’t close her eyes or pray, but watches through her tears, before walking away.

  Her Downward Spiral It’s been two weeks since….Chris shakes her head trying to clear the image out, while telling herself, “Everything will be fine.” Looking in the mirror one last time she dabs a little more powder on the dark puffy circles under her red rimmed eyes and walks out.

  

  Shaking so bad, Chris finally gets the key in the hole and yanks open the door. She steps inside and her eyes are drawn to the spot where Brandon died. She gags and reaches back for the door, pulling it shut she locks it from the inside before running to the bathroom. Sobbing Chris leans over the toilet and throws up the only thing in her stomach, a lukewarm cup of coffee she had, had for breakfast. Hearing someone banging on the locked entrance door, she jumps and slowly walks out of the bathroom. Brent has his face pressed against his cupped hands and he’s peering through the glass. Chris unlocks the door and lets him in. “What are you doing here Brent?”

  Brent gently grasps her arms and looks at her tear stained face.

  “Chris are y
ou sure you can do this?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “You don’t look fine Chris. Your mom and I, we don’t think you should be doing this so soon. We think you need more time.”

  “Brent, I have to. My rent is due in a couple of weeks and I need the money.”

  “Then let me loan you the money.”

  “No. Now why are you here?”

  “I came to sit with you for a little while.”

  “You don’t have to do that, besides don’t you have a class this morning?”

  

  Sitting on the stool behind the counter Chris can’t seem to tear her eyes away. Brent stands up and puts his arm around her.

  “Is that where it happened?”

  Looking at him with tears in her eyes Chris nods then looks back over to where Brandon died in her arms. “Go to school Brent. I’ll be okay and you can’t be here all the time.”

  

  The day seems to pass ever so slowly. Customers have come in and out, but not enough to keep her busy. Most of them have been repeat customers that knew Brandon and have been stopping by to tell her how sorry they are. Chris is sitting behind the counter looking through a magazine when the owner walks in. “How did it go?”

  “I survived. I’ll see you tomorrow” and she walks out.

  

  The first week back has been hard. So many people, kids they knew from school, customers, all wanting to tell her how sorry they are. All she wants to do is tell them, “Go away and leave me alone” Just before her shift ends on Friday an older gentleman comes in to purchase a pack of cigarettes. For some reason he looks vaguely familiar to her, but she can’t quite place him, but as she leaves he slips her mind and she doesn’t think anymore about him until months later.

   Chris smiles at the customer. “Thank you. Have a nice day.” As she wearily watches Amber walk to the back of the store and grab a soda.

  Amber sets the soda on the counter. “Hi Chris”

  “What do you want Amber?”

  “I just wanted to stop by and tell you how sorry I am.”

  “You wait two months to come in and express your sorrow?”

  “I’m sorry Chris, I just thought maybe…”

  “You thought what? That we could be friends? After all the pain you caused me in high school? After the shitty way you treated me? Well, you’re mistaken. There is no way in hell I would ever be your friend.”

  “Chris I didn’t come here to fight with you. I came to apologize. It was my fault Brandon was late that night. He was with me.”

  Chris stares at her. Bewildered and angry. “What do you mean, He was with you?”

  “Don’t worry. He wanted nothing to do with me. It didn’t matter how hard I tried to get him away from you, he loved you, and only you. When I got to school that night I purposely left my headlights on, so when we got out of class, my battery was dead. Brandon jump started my car and then when I tried to come on to him, he pushed me away.”

  Clenching and unclenching her hands to keep from slapping Amber Chris grits her teeth. “Get out of my store Amber. And don’t ever come back. Because if you do, I can’t promise I won’t beat the shit out of you the next time.”

  Amber leaves her soda sitting on the counter and walks out.

  

  Chris doesn’t know Brent is standing behind her until he puts his hand on her shoulder. “Hi Chris. I went by your apartment, but you weren’t there.”

  Chris looks up at him and smiles despite her tears. “Sorry, I needed to come see him.”

  Brent looks around at all the graves and then sits down next to her. “I haven’t been out here since the…”

  Chris hears the catch in his voice and squeezes his hand. “I usually come out every Sunday and wait for his mom to leave and then I come and sit with him. But I couldn‘t wait till tomorrow. I had to see him today. Funny thing is, I had to wait for his mom to leave today too. I guess she needed to see him also. Have you talked to her since the funeral?”

  Brent shakes his head and plucks at a blade of grass. “No, but I heard that Brandon’s dad moved out of the house. So why are you here today instead of tomorrow?”

  “Amber came to see me yesterday. Brent did you know Amber was taking classes with Brandon?”

  “Yeah, I knew.”

  “Why didn’t Brandon tell me?”

  “Because he didn’t want you to worry.”

  “Worry about what? Was there something going on between them?”

  “Oh God no Chris, Brandon would never cheat on you, especially with Amber.”

  Chris leaves it at that and they sit in silence. Chris traces Brandon’s name on his headstone with her fingers. “Brent? Why did you have Brandon’s wedding ring?”

  Brent looks up and gazes across the cemetery. Chris can see the tears threatening to roll down his cheeks. With the back of his hand he wipes them away. “After the attorney and I left your room he said he had to go down to the morgue and collect Brandon’s personal effects. When he dumped the contents out of the envelope he handed me Brandon’s ring and said that you might want to have it.”

  “But you didn’t give it to me.”

  “I fought with myself Chris trying to decide what to do with it. The night of the viewing after Brandon’s parents left, I asked your dad what he thought would be best, Should I give it to you or send it with Brandon and your dad told me it was my decision to make, so…Your dad helped me put it on Brandon and after your dad left, I stayed until they sealed the casket.”

  “So how did Brandon’s mom know?”

  “Because it was listed on the morgue’s paperwork. Poor guy, she probably fired him after she found out that he had given me the ring. You’re not mad at me, are you Chris? I did the right thing, didn’t I?”

  Chris smiles and squeezes the hand that’s plucking the grass. “Yes. Thank you.”

  They sit there for a little while longer.

  “Chris do you want a ride home?”

  “No, I’ll take the bus. I’ve got to go see my mom.”

  Brent stands up. “I can give you a ride to your moms.”

  “You don’t have to do that Brent. I don’t mind riding the bus.”

  Brent holds out his hand to her. “It’s not a problem. I need to go visit them. I haven’t been there for a few weeks and your parents have always been good to me.”

  Chris leans down and kisses Brandon’s headstone and whispers. “I’ll come back tomorrow.” She takes Brent’s hand and lets him help her up.

   “Hi mom. Something smells good.”

  “Chrissy, what are you doing here?”

  “I just went and seen Brandon and wanted to stop by before I go home.”

  “Are you hungry? Do you want to stay and have lunch with dad and I?”

  “Only if you have enough for two extra mouths. Brent’s in the living room watching the game with dad.”

  “Of course there’s always plenty. So why is Brent here?”

  “He found me out at the cemetery and offered me a ride.”

  “Is everything okay? You don’t usually go to the cemetery on Saturdays.”

  “Everything’s fine mom. You want some help?”

  Barb smiles and hands her the plates. “You have always been good at setting the table…”

  Chris grins, grabs some silverware and goes in to set the dining room table. Brad gets up and walks over to her.

  “You doing okay?”

  “I’m doing fine dad.”

  “Four plates? Are you going to stay and have lunch with us?”

  “Of course. Since when have I turned down mom’s cooking?”

  Chris goes back to the kitchen and helps Barb bring out the food. “Okay everyone, time to eat. And turn off that TV.”

  Brad and Brent grumble and walk to the table. “Why do we have to turn off the game? They were winning.”

  “Because I thought maybe we could have a normal conversation over lunch.”

  Barb walks in a
nd looks at the TV. “How did you manage that? I need you here to do that more often.”

  Brad mumbles. “I still want to know why we had to turn it off.”

  Chris smiles. “Because I have some news to share and I don’t want to have to compete with a football game.”

  Barbs tilts her head and scrutinizes Chris. “News?”

  Chris takes a bite of her potato salad. “Hm hmm.” Swallowing she takes a sip of her soda. “Yes, news.”

  “Good news, I hope.”

  Chris beams. “I got hired to work at Cody’s department store.”

  Barb gets up and hugs her. “Oh Chrissy, that’s wonderful news!”

  

  “Heads up. There’s rumors going around.”

  Chris glances over at the cashier across from her. “There’s always rumors going around. There were rumors six months ago and six months before that. What? Are they planning on cutting our hours again? I hope not. I had a hard enough time the last time they did.”

  “Worse than that.”

  “What, layoffs?”

  “No, even worse than that. The store is going to close down. Cody‘s is filing for bankruptcy.”

  “What? Where did you hear that from?”

  “Jenny in layaway overheard two of the managers talking about it. Sounds like we only have six months left. Well, I’ve got to close up and go take my lunch. I’ll let you know if I hear anything else.”