Intoxicate

by Tessa Teevan

  I lean down and place a kiss on her head before settling with her pressed up against me and drifting off, wishing I could erase everything that’s happened over the last ten or so hours. Up until that kiss, that is. No, that’s a memory I’ll never be able to forget. Not that I’d want to.

  And as much as I want to do it again right now, I take Kalli’s advice and close my eyes, her warmth covering me like a comforting cocoon.

  AS I wake, I’m temporarily confused about where I am. That is until I realize it’s Kalli who’s shaking me awake, not Lily. Blinking a few times as I become aware of my surroundings, I slowly sit up and run a hand through my hair, and the memories from the night before come crashing back in.

  “Shit. Ma,” I mumble, throwing the covers back to jump out of bed, cursing at myself for oversleeping.

  Kalli’s face softens, and she places a hand on my knee, stilling me. “Hey, it’s okay, Xavier. Mom just called and said your mom’s awake and ready for you to come back.”

  “Did she say how she’s doing?”

  Kalli gives me a sad smile as she shakes her head. “Only that she’s comfortable. She wouldn’t tell me anything else.”

  Letting out a deep breath, I push myself off the bed. Just as I’m about to walk away, Kalli grabs my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze.

  “You’re not alone anymore, Xavier. I’m here for you. Don’t forget that. Let me be strong for you.”

  My heart tightens for a split second. I haven’t needed anyone in a long time, and even though it scares the hell out of me to go down that road, I need her now. More than I’ve ever needed anyone.

  I squeeze her hand back. “I know.” The two words seem so simple, yet they mean so much.

  She smiles and drops my hand, breaking the moment. “Why don’t you grab a quick shower before you go? I’ll call Kale to check up on Lily.”

  With a nod, I start to leave the room, but I stop when I come to the doorway. Turning back, I see she’s already pulling out her phone. She knows that, even though I’m concerned about Ma, I need to know that Lily’s okay, too. How did I miss it all this time? How in tune she is with me—even after I’ve kept her at arms’ length for so long?

  “Kalli?” I ask.

  She looks up at me, concern etched on her face.

  “Come with me? I don’t have any clue what I’m going to find out, but I know I need you there with me when I do. I want you there,” I say, emphasizing my point.

  Without hesitation, she’s up and crossing the room, placing her arms around me to give me the tightest hug. “Of course, Xavier. Whatever you need. I’m here.”

  A sigh of relief escapes me, even though, deep down, I knew she’d agree. “Thank you,” I whisper, pressing my lips to the top of her head.

  She lets go and smiles up at me, sending a jolt of ease cracking through my apprehension. “Don’t thank me. Just get used to it.”

  I don’t know if I ever will, but it’s enough to slightly ease the anxiety, and as I hurry to get cleaned, I wonder what I would’ve done if she hadn’t moved to Tennessee.

  I don’t even want to consider what I’d do if she ever left.

  AFTER I take a quick shower and get Kalli’s assurances via Kale that Lily is worried but mostly fine, we finally head to the hospital. I’m eager to get to the bottom of what’s wrong with Ma, but at the same time, the closer we get, the more trepidation creeps in. Even though Kalli’s been around for nearly six months now, for the past ten years, it’s been Ma, Lily, and me. Just the three of us. The thought of that changing scares the hell out of me. Thinking back, I remember how it all began, and I know there’s no way I could’ve made it this far without my mother. When I was growing up, it was always Ma and me. Then Lily came along. Since then, we’ve been a solid trio.

  When Ma found out Angela was pregnant, she was beyond excited—until I told her about my plans to enlist. To say she wasn’t pleased would be an understatement. Not only was she upset about my enlisting during wartime, she was even more disappointed at the prospect of my being stationed halfway across the country from our hometown of San Antonio, Texas. However, I was a twenty-year-old kid working at a garage, going to community college at night. I wanted to provide for my family, and as much as she tried to, she couldn’t talk me out of it.

  Once I was done with training, Angela moved to be near me, and I threw myself into my training. Two weeks before Angela’s due date, Ma showed up. She doted on Angela, held her hand through the entire birth, and then took care of both of my girls once they were released from the hospital. I hated kissing Lily goodbye in the morning before going to work, but knowing that Ma was there always made me feel better. At the time, I didn’t know just how important it was, though. Not until the day, four weeks later, when I received a panicked voice message from her begging me to get home as soon as possible.

  As I raced home, I went through every scenario, convinced that something had happened to Lily. I assumed the worst, and when I stepped foot into the house, I knew everything was about to change. That it already had.

  Ma was sitting there, rocking a crying Lily, who seemed inconsolable. She looked up at me with sad eyes and gave a small shake of her head.

  “I tried to stop her,” she choked out as she rose, walking and rubbing Lily’s back, who finally was calming down.

  “What?” I asked as a momentary state of confusion washed over me.

  She shifted Lily in her arms. “Honey, she’s gone,” was all she got out before it hit me.

  I turned in my boots and started stalking through the house, looking for her. Sure enough, once I got to the master bedroom, Angela’s side of the closet was completely bare, and any sign that she’d ever lived there was gone. All the breath seemed to leave my body as I became aware of what was happening. Ma’s words echoed in my mind. “She’s gone.”

  Slowly, I sank down to the bed, wondering where in the hell I had gone wrong. What the hell I had done to cause this. Sure, Angela and I weren’t on the road to marriage or anything any time soon, but we loved each other in our own way. Hell, we’d just started a family. And just like that, she’d left me? She’d left our daughter? It didn’t make sense.

  “I’m sorry.” Ma’s soft whisper broke through my thoughts.

  I looked up to see her watching me through tear-filled eyes. My now sleeping daughter was resting in her arms, and suddenly, I wanted nothing more than to hold her. Ma must’ve read my expression. She entered my room, placed Lily in my arms, and sat down next to me.

  “What . . . Did she say anything?” I choked out.

  Ma let out a disbelieving laugh. “She had the audacity to say she was sorry.”

  Swallowing hard, I look over at Ma. “Tell me what happened. Everything.”

  With a heavy sigh, Ma leaned over and gently fixed Lily’s blanket. “I wish I knew.” She paused and looked up at the ceiling then back at me, her eyes despondent. “I went to the market, and when I came back, she was putting suitcases in her car. She almost looked relieved when she saw me. All she said was that she couldn’t do this anymore. She wasn’t fit to be a mother and Lily would be better off without her. I tried to reason with her, but she just told me Lily was napping and to tell you she was sorry. Her mind was made up, and she was gone before I could really even register what was happening.”

  As I tried to wrap my mind around what she was saying, I focused my gaze on Lily to keep my composure. “She just up and left. Just like that.”

  Ma was silent, probably trying to muster up the words to say to comfort me, but the truth was that nothing would be comforting. I was disappointed, upset, but not really heartbroken. Angela and I had only been together for about six months before she’d gotten pregnant, and if I was honest with myself, I’d admit that I don’t know if we’d have stayed together. However, as I looked at the tiny infant in my arms, I was angry. Confused. Terrified, even. And I had no idea what I was going to do.

  Here I was, barely twenty-one years old, having just signed my
life away to the Army, with a newborn daughter with no mom. I should have felt defeated. Instead, as I looked down at my beautiful little girl, I swore right then and there to be the best damn father I could be. She would never feel unwanted. She would never feel unloved. I was going to raise the happiest little girl on the planet, and nothing would ever get in my way. If Angela didn’t want us, that was her problem. But Lily would never feel that kind of pain.

  “Ma, what am I going to do? I can’t be a single parent in the Army, but I also can’t get kicked out. I need the insurance. I need the stability. Not to mention, we’re in the middle of a war. It’s inevitable I’m going to get deployed sooner rather than later. It’s not like I can take a baby to Iraq.”

  She placed a hand on my arm. “Xavier, look at me.” She paused until I did as she’d asked. A look of sheer determination was etched on her face. “Everything will be okay. I’ll move here and help take care of Lily.”

  “I can’t ask you to do that,” I told her even though I wanted to accept immediately. “You have a life in San Antonio. A job. You can’t drop everything to come take care of my daughter. She’s my responsibility.”

  She scowled, and I knew I’d said the wrong thing. “Xavier, I can have a life anywhere, and I’d rather be with my son and granddaughter anyway. Plus, with the travel agency, I can work from a home office just fine. You and Lily need me, and there’s nothing I want more in the world than to make sure you two are taken care of.”

  “Ma—” I began, but she placed a finger on my lips, effectively shutting me up.

  “Not another word, Xavier. You said it yourself. You can’t deploy and take a baby with you. Plus, you never know when you’re going to have to do field exercises. It makes sense that I move here. Now, I know you’re overwhelmed and you probably have a million thoughts going through your mind, but at least let me help ease the situation as much as I can.”

  I knew she was right. There was no way I could do this without her help, especially since Angela, for whatever reason, had decided Lily and I weren’t enough to stick around. Hell, she could be halfway back to San Antonio by now. And to be honest, I barely cared.

  Did I want Lily to grow up without a mom? Of course not. My dad died when I was young, and I’d felt the pain of being raised in a single-parent home. No matter how much Ma did, I was still the kid without a dad to play catch with, to go fishing with. I didn’t want that for Lily, but what could I have done? I meant what I’d said. Lily would never feel unwanted, and if that meant that Angela was out of our lives for good, then so be it.

  “Okay. If you’re sure,” I told her.

  She gave me a smile. “Of course I’m sure. In fact, I’ll start making arrangements now.” She got up to leave, and just as she was out of the room, she stopped and turned to me. “Xavier, I have no doubt you could raise that little girl on your own and do a wonderful job. But you don’t have to. You don’t need to. I know you want to, but this will be easier on everyone, especially you.”

  I couldn’t argue with her, and that was that. Kale moved in until Ma was able to settle everything back in Texas, helping with Lily and becoming almost like a second dad to her. By the time Ma moved in, we’d already established a routine, and she fit right in with seamless ease.

  Much like Ma had said, I knew I could do it on my own, outside of the Army, but I couldn’t change those circumstances. In fact, if Ma hadn’t been there to be my appointed guardian for my Family Care Plan, I have no idea what I’d have done. But she was there and has been ever since. Through multiple deployments, several duty station changes, and all the significant moments in Lily’s life. She never overstepped, allowing me to be the parent, but she was a constant Lily and I needed. It wasn’t glamorous being a twenty-something living with Ma, but that was my life. If anyone didn’t like it, they could kiss my ass.

  And now, the closer I get to the hospital, that life is being threatened, and the more the fear of losing her settles in. Because I can’t lose that constant. Not when everything is finally starting to look up. Not when I’m ready to finally let someone in. A third woman in my life. I can’t handle another crash and burn.

  “Hey.”

  I’m pulled from my thoughts as Kalli scoots over until her thigh is pressed up against mine. She places her hand over my own, her thumb rubbing my skin in soothing circles.

  “Where’d you go?”

  “Angela,” I blurt out, and mutter a curse almost immediately.

  Glancing over at Kalli, I see the surprise registering on her face. She tries to mask it, but I definitely didn’t miss it.

  “Oh,” she says, turning her attention forward as she gazes out of the windshield.

  “Not like that. I was just thinking about how Ma stepped in when Angela left, and she’s been there for us ever since. I guess part of me has taken advantage of that, assuming she’d always be around. This whole thing, her being in the hospital, her and Ginger obviously hiding something, has me so on edge I’m about to fall off the cliff.”

  “Hey, don’t go expecting the worst. Think positive thoughts. There’s no need to get yourself worked up over something that could be nothing.”

  I turn to look at her. “Do you honestly believe it’s nothing?”

  She squirms and then bites her lip. “I hope it’s nothing. But if it isn’t, we’ll figure it out. Together.”

  THE JOURNEY from the parking lot to Ma’s hospital room feels like I’m walking a little bit down the Green Mile. Not that I want to be a melodramatic pussy, but I don’t know what I’m walking into. It could be the end of everything I’ve ever known. That’s why, as soon as the elevator dings to signal our arrival on her floor, I freeze.

  Kalli steps off and turns to look at me, frowning as the doors begin to shut. She sticks her arm out, stopping them. Stepping back onto the elevator, she takes my hand.

  “We can do this as long as you need, but I think, eventually, they might kick us out if all we do is ride up and down on the elevator.”

  I run a hand through my hair, not quite ready to get off the damn thing. Leaning back against the wall, I don’t flinch when it starts to descend.

  “With my job, I’m usually in complete control. If I weren’t calm and collected, I wouldn’t last a day in the field. Rarely do we walk into a situation we know nothing about. Our planning is meticulous and well thought out. Even though we may not know what the device is made of, we know that it has the potential to be dangerous. We work through every possible scenario, every outcome. It’s ingrained in me to do that. Expect the worst. Hope for the best. It’s how I work, and it’s how I live my life. Carefully. Cautiously. Knowing just what I’m getting into.” I shake my head, a small laugh escaping my lips as I realize I’ve done the same thing with my approach to our relationship. “It’s how I’ve approached things with you. Cautious, careful, trying to gauge the danger of the situation. I never know what to expect from you.” I raise my eyes to hers and catch her watching me intently.

  “Some people would say predictability is boring,” she tells me.

  “True. But it’s also safe. I’m not a coward . . . I’m just cautious. I guess when those doors opened, I didn’t want to step off. I have no idea what I’m walking into. It could be nothing. It could be the worst news of my life.”

  She squeezes my hand. “I understand that, Xavier. It’s terrifying, thinking about losing one of our loved ones. But we don’t know that’s what’s going to happen, and the longer we ride up and down, the longer you’re going to be torturing yourself while you put off the inevitable. Whether you go up there now or in an hour, whatever you’re going to find out isn’t going to change. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. You can do this. And I’ll be right here with you the entire time.”

  Letting out a deep sigh, I lean forward and press the button for us to return to Ma’s floor. I pull her into my chest for a brief embrace, trying to muster up the strength she believes I have. “You’re right. I don’t know what it is, Kallio
pe, but you always know exactly what I need to hear.”

  The elevator chimes, signaling our arrival. She steps off yet again and looks at me expectantly, holding her small hand out to me. I take it gratefully, enveloping it in my much larger one. I allow her to take the lead as we walk down the hall. All too soon, we’re right outside Ma’s door. Kalli stops and squeezes my hand, allowing me to enter first.

  The color has returned to Ma’s face, and I feel a slight swell of relief that she looks infinitely better than she did last night. Ginger rises from the chair next to her and offers me a seat, but I decline. Kalli releases my hand as I walk towards Ma, and out of the corner of my eye, I see her lean up against the back wall. Close enough if I need her, but still giving us space. Space, I’m finding, I no longer want.

  “Hey, Ma,” I say, looking down at her. “You look good. How are you feeling?”

  She gives me a tired smile. “Better. Tired. Ready to get out of here,” she tells me.

  Her smile grows as she spots Kalli. She raises an eyebrow, and I just shake my head, not ready for an interrogation. It’s my turn for answers. She beckons for me to come closer, and when I do, her voice is barely a whisper.

  “I’m glad you weren’t alone. It’s about time, Xavier.”

  I hear a chuckle and look up to see Ginger smiling brightly at me. “Not now,” I tell them, not amused that they’d rather play matchmaker and meddling moms than tell me what the hell is going on. Pulling up a chair, I sit so I’m nearly eye level with Ma. I take a deep breath and lean forward, resting my elbows on the bed. “Okay, Ma. What’s going on? Have the test results come back? What happened?”

  Ma rests back against her pillow and reverts her eyes away from mine. A strange expression passes between her and Ginger, and the hesitation irritates the hell out of me. Standing up, I push my chair back and fold my arms over my chest.

  “I don’t know what the hell you two are hiding, but for the love of God, just tell me what is going on! I’ve been a wreck, speculating the worst, and I demand answers.”