Color Blind

by Michelle Lindo-Rice

  “He’s quite good, although he’s the size of a gorilla. As you can see, I’m progressing well. My heart is another matter.” He didn’t bother to disguise the hurt he was feeling.

  He reached out to find her face. He ran his hand across her cheek. She couldn’t control the goose bumps.

  “You feel it, too. Don’t you?” he asked removing his hand.

  She shook her head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about?”

  He arched an eyebrow. “The attraction between us. Don’t even bother denying it.” He reached out searching the air for her hand.

  Annie inhaled, before putting her hand in his. His thumb circled her wrist and she shivered.

  Her heart skipped a beat. “What about Macy?” She had to ask.

  “She’s gone.”

  She took a huge gulp. Gone sounded permanent. Hope sprung. Annie decided to be upfront with her feelings. She rushed out, “Saul, it was hard for me to go without saying goodbye. If it were possible, I think I would’ve died this past month from heartache.”

  He took a step towards her. “Then come back. We need to talk. I deserve an explanation. I—I—“

  Annie cut him off, afraid of what he might say. “I’ll come by later next week. I promise.”

  “Make that first thing in the morning,” he commanded.

  Cassandra and Emily spotted them and made their way over to join them. Annie felt relieved at their presence. She excused herself under the premise that Sari was her ride. As she walked away, all Annie could see was Saul’s tortured face. With each step, she tried to remember that she was falling for a man who would most likely revolt at the sight of her.

  She approached Sari’s neon green Toyota Camry on leaden feet.

  “I was half-expecting to hear that you were leaving with them,” Sari commented.

  “I’m going to meet up with him tomorrow. I’ve no idea what I’m going to say.”

  “How about the truth?” Sari urged. “Like I suggested when you came home and went straight for the double fudge ice cream.”

  “I was a mess,” Annie said, recalling the day she left Saul’s house. After she snatched her belongings from Saul’s house, she’d driven home on autopilot. She wasn’t even sure if she observed the basic traffic rules. All she knew was, she entered her home curled up under her covers and binged on ice cream. It was her way of licking her wounds.

  No matter how far blacks had come as a race, for Annie, it ached to know that there were some who would always see her race as inferior. She could recall countless times a cashier would barely want to touch her hand to give her a receipt—looking down his or her nose at her as if she were trash. Humph, she had career. Sometimes she copped an attitude, but most of the time, she just let it slide. Ignorant people were everywhere.

  When she met Saul she hadn’t gotten that vibe. He was angry, yes. Ornery, yes. But, not once did she think he could be prejudiced. He had several pictures displayed in his home with a tall black man whom he said was his best friend. She supposed friendship was all right—nothing else. No mixing of the races. She shook her head. How could he turn his back on his daughter for years? And, Emily? She was his grandchild. Who did that?

  “I’m afraid to confront him because I’m afraid of what he’ll say,” Annie confessed. She felt like her heart was breaking. How had she done this? How had she put her heart out there again?

  Sari removed one hand from the steering wheel to squeeze her hand. “I hate to see you like this, but you can’t outrun your feelings. I tried. When my son died, I thought I would die. I thought the best thing to do was to carry on and wipe out all signs of his existence from my life. Remember, I didn’t even mention his name for almost a year, but I was wrong. Instead, I had to confront the pain and celebrate Lucas’s life by talking about him.”

  Sari turned into their complex and pulled into one of the designated parking spots. Annie took her hand to keep her from exiting the car. “That was such a terrible time, Sari. What I’m feeling is insignificant foolishness compared to your reality. You lost a child. I only lost the man I love.”

  “Stop. Wait. Did you say love?”

  Annie bent her head. “Yes, love. There’s no use denying it. It sounds like a cliché but I must have fallen for him the moment I met him.” She turned towards her friend, and entreated, “What am I going to do?”

  “You’re going to fight. If you love him, you have to tell him the truth. Tell him and put yourself out there.”

  “And face rejection?” She shook her head. “There’s no way I’m going to put myself out there like that. ”

  “If you don’t put yourself out there, you’ll regret it. You’ll end up a spinster with those oversized rollers in your hair, who is always scratching her butt.”

  Annie laughed at Sari’s Carol Burnett analogy. “Be nice.”

  Sari got serious. “God has that man alive for a reason and I can’t help but feel you’re that reason.”

  Annie touched her chin. “Granted, God could be calling him but that doesn’t mean he’s for me. I know a lot of Christians who love God but still hold on to their prejudices.”

  “Girl, do I need to remind you of Kirk Franklin’s song? It doesn’t matter what color you are, as long your blood runs red. When it comes to interracial dating, people are always going to have a problem with it. Some people will give you bad looks and others will resent you, but if you crack under the pressure then it wasn’t love. Love bears all things, endures all things…” she trailed off and waited for Annie to complete the verse.

  “Believes all things,” Annie whispered. “In my head, I know you’re right. I’ve got to believe in God’s power. I’ll put my trust in Him. What God has for me is for me and if Saul’s the one, then no one—not even me can mess with that.”

  “Amen! Sometimes, you’ve got to let go and let God,” Sari preached. “Start praying and share God with him. Concentrate on helping him develop a relationship with God. You want a man who is hearing and listening to God, believe me. You do that and let God do the rest. It’ll all work out.”

  Annie took Sari’s words to heart. She closeted herself into her room and devoted herself in a time of prayer. At one point, she dropped to her knees. “Lord, here I am standing in the gap for Saul. He’s stubborn and hardheaded but he needs You. I’m thankful that You’ve brought him into my life and I know now that it was for this purpose. Help me be a light to him. Help me be an example and lead him to You. Lord, I love him, but I know nobody can love him like You can. So take his heart and shape it and make him into a vessel to be used by You. I ask all this through the name of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior. Amen.”

  When she stood, she smiled.

  Chapter Seventeen

  “Annie’s coming by tomorrow. So this might mean, I’ll be leaving you soon,” Corey informed him Wednesday morning of the following week.

  He hadn’t even gotten the words out fully before Saul walked towards the front door with sure steps. Making his way to the front door, Saul swung it open and said, “It’s been a pleasure working with you.”

  “You’re just going to dismiss me like that?”

  Saul joked, “Yes. I’m not even going to pretend I’m not happy Annie’s coming back.”

  “You might as well shut the door and curb your enthusiasm because I’m not going to leave you here on your own.”

  Saul closed the door. “I know. I couldn’t resist.”

  To his chagrin, Corey laughed. “I’ve never seen a man so whipped in all my days.”

  “I don’t really care for your teasing,” Saul shot back. Then he smiled. “I’m far from whipped but I’m mature enough not to pretend. I want Annie back.”

  “Mature? So that’s what they’re calling it now.”

  Saul waved him off and made his way to the steps. He ribbed, “Try not to eat me out of house and home before tomorrow morning. I’m going to bed.”

  Thursday couldn’t come fast enough.

  When Saul made his
way downstairs, he heard a tune blasting and smiled at her humming. Annie was back.

  He sniffed the air smelling cinnamon. French toast sticks. He licked his lips and said, “You’re here.”

  He heard the volume lower and welcomed the sound of her sweet voice. “I couldn’t sleep. Corey left. I tried to tell him to wait until you’d awakened before taking off, but he was confident you wouldn’t mind. I hated just twiddling my thumbs so I started beating eggs…”

  He smiled at her chatter. All was right in his world. “Corey was right. I gave him his severance and added a hefty bonus. Since you’re making breakfast, I’ll set the table.”

  “Show off,” Annie said. “Let me turn the music up.”

  On impulse, he asked, “Can we move this outside? Even though I can’t see the water, it’s soothes me.”

  “What a great idea! The day is too beautiful to be cooped up inside. It’s not that hot for July, so we should enjoy it.” With quick speed, she was out the sliding glass door. Saul had done a good job with situating their plates on the patio table.

  Saul appreciated the heat of the sun. He leaned back and sighed. He could get used to this—he and Annie sharing relaxing moments out here together. For the first time, his life felt full and rich. He attributed a lot of that to the woman a mere two feet away from him.

  As they dug into their meal, he didn’t stall in addressing the issue uppermost on his mind. “Tell me why you abandoned me.”

  ***

  Annie coughed. He didn’t even give her a chance to enjoy the meal. But that was Saul. He wouldn’t be him if he sat back waiting on her to gather her courage. He owned three car dealerships and they flourished even through the economic downturn for a reason. Saul Sweeterman didn’t sit back and wait for life to happen.

  “I was scared.” Three simple words filled with so much truth.

  “Scared of what? Of me, of us, of what we’re feeling?”

  He fired the questions at her but Annie was quick on her feet. “Of all three,” she countered. “Saul, there is something I need to share with you and I admit it’s the main reason I ran. First, though, I apologize for leaving the way I did. It was an unprofessional act of cowardice.”

  “I accept your apology, but don’t belabor the point. Get to why you left.”

  He was all business. Annie gathered her wits. It was obvious that Saul wasn’t about to let her wiggle out of this conversation. She had to quit her stalling. But, talking about race wasn’t easy, particularly when it could end a promising relationship.

  She took a deep breath. “I realize you have feelings for me and I didn’t want things to get too deep when you don’t really know me. I may not look the way you imagine.”

  She saw his eyebrows furrow. “Do you think me so fickle that I wouldn’t want you because of how you look? I touched your face. I know who are you on the inside. You’re beautiful. You have a sharp wit. You make me laugh. It doesn’t matter to me what you look like. I’m a man and real men want more than a beautiful face. We want a woman who’ll stand by our side no matter what. We want women like you. No, let me make this personal. I don’t just want any woman. I can get that. I. Want. You.”

  Annie felt tears dim her eyes. She knew he meant every word. She knew she was beautiful. Her parents had given her good genes. A former homecoming queen, Annie didn’t need to hide her face under a paper bag. But, what she couldn’t hide was her skin color.

  Why don’t you take him at his word?

  Why bother telling him when he may never see again? What he doesn’t know doesn’t hurt, right?

  As the thoughts raced through her mind, Annie remained silent. Saul must have thought she didn’t believe him. In a swift move, he jumped to his feet and grabbed her with stunning accuracy. He pulled her close and buried his nose in her hair.

  “Since you don’t believe me, let me show you the only way I know how.” He kissed the top of her head. “You smell so good. Like vanilla.” His hands rifled through her curls. “A man could get lost in your thick, luscious curls.”

  Curls that were a product of her Native American lineage. Stop him. Annie told herself she needed to put the brakes on what was sure to be a successful seduction. She trembled at his touch. She’d savor the sensations rocking her body for just a minute. He kissed her neck. Then her ear. Okay, one more minute, then she would push him away. She felt his lips on her forehead. Another thirty seconds. Then he kissed both cheeks. He drew perilously close to her mouth.

  All it took was a second; Saul took her upper lip into his mouth. She reacted by grabbing ahold of his hair. Her hands ploughed through the silky mane savoring his answering groan. Whew! Lord, help me. Okay, this had gone on long enough. She had to put an end to this madness.

  She pushed her way out of his arms, and drew several deep breaths. She looked at Saul, recognizing the smile of male dominance. She wasn’t always saved. She knew a satisfied man when she saw one.

  “I’m guessing I proved my point,” he said, basking in the moment. She appreciated his disheveled hair. It made him look…hot.

  “No doubt about that,” she purred. Okay, her voice was a dead giveaway. She cleared her throat. “You’ve more than made your point.”

  He strode into the house presumably to put some distance between them.

  Well, he definitely deserved bragging rights because if she didn’t have the Holy Spirit constraining her, they’d be finishing this ‘conversation’ in his bedroom. Scriptures flowed into her mind until her heart rate slowed to normal.

  Her conscience rode her. Annie had ducked out of telling him the whole truth but she refused to dwell on it. She had told him in so many words. Still Saul insisted that he cared only about her inner beauty.

  Annie’s lips still tingled. She raised one hand to touch them, awed by the desire fanning her body. She was a grown woman. In seconds, she’d been reduced to a whimpering schoolgirl. She needed to flee from this temptation. How could she stay under his roof after that kiss?

  She verbalized her thoughts as soon as he returned, looking more composed. “Maybe I should ask Corey to come back.”

  “You’re going to drive me insane,” Saul grunted. “I don’t want Corey back. Listen, I’m not a Neanderthal. I’m capable of restraint. I’ll keep my lips and hands to myself. I’ll behave above board. I know you’re trying to do right by God and I have no intention of messing with that. I can respect you enough to honor your commitment to God. That’s what you do when you’re in love.”

  Her breath caught. She sounded like the heroine in a cheap romance novel but Annie had to ask, “What did you say?”

  “I said I respect your wishes because I’m in love with you.”

  “You love me?” she repeated the question with a voice that mirrored her confusion. “But, how can you love me when you’ve never seen me?”

  “How can you ask me that when you’re a Christian? You love Christ and you’ve never seen Him.” She couldn’t fault his reasoning.

  “Yes, but—

  “But nothing. I don’t have to see you with my eyes. I just have to see you with my heart.” He ambled over to her. She reached her hand out to help him determine her exact location. He faced her. His blue eyes reflected all of his pent-up emotion. “I love you, Annie Hays, so accept it. Don’t question it. I love you.”

  “I love you, too,” she said, finally believing and accepting. The words had been torn from her heart and poured from her mouth. She squashed any niggling doubts and concerns, convinced that with emotions as strong as his, he would overlook the color of her skin. Saul engulfed her into his arms and gave her a tight squeeze. Annie held on refusing to let go.

  That’s unrealistic mumbo-jumbo and you know it.

  Prayer changes things, she countered.

  A person has to want to change for change to happen.

  At that point she closed her mind off to any warnings. If this isn’t right, then I don’t know what is.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Saul w
as going crazy. It had been thirty long days of tossing and turning all night thinking about her. He enjoyed their Bible study sessions and attended church with Annie every Sabbath. He enjoyed their walks now that his leg was as good as new. Both of them avoided that topic, as neither was ready for their idyllic situation to end. Boca Grande was reclusive and exclusive so they had spent lots of time getting to know each other. However, they knew it was time for her to go home. It had been difficult, but Saul had lived up to his word and kept his hands and lips off her.

  Why had he made such a stupid promise? They were adults.

  Saul had become very independent and things with Cassandra were progressing nicely. After his last visit with the eye doctor he’d heard more of the same. “Your eyes are physically fine. I’ve no idea why you’re not able to see.”

  Blah blah blah. He was done with trying to figure that out. Saul appreciated the years he’d had his sight but how could he be depressed when Annie was so cheerful? She didn’t seem to care that he couldn’t see. What Saul appreciated the most were her prayers. One morning his body was talking to him and he went and stood outside her door. Since she’d moved back into his home, Annie stayed in the bedroom that once belonged to Cassandra.

  Saul had been about to knock when he heard sounds coming through her door. He pressed his ear to listen in and to his surprise she’d been praying for him. He heard her calling out his name to God asking Him for healing and deliverance. Saul leaned on the door with tears in his eyes.

  He’d never known what it is what like to truly be loved until that moment. A woman who prayed for you with such fervor and consistency was one worth keeping. He walked away humbled beyond belief.

  But, at nighttime, Saul struggled which was why he was gathering the courage to ask Annie to join him down by the beach. He knocked with more firmness than he realized. The door shot open.