“No,” I said. At this, my shoulders sagged heavily. I was trying hard to respect his request for space, but I missed my best friend fiercely. There was so much I wanted to tell him, so much I still felt like I needed to apologize for. I had, of course, multiple times over text, but I wanted to see his face. Texting had been too impersonal, but at the moment, I didn’t appear to have another option.
“He’ll come around, sweetie,” my mother said. She reached out, brushing a lock of hair back from my forehead, and I felt her thumb brush against my scar. She smiled at me, and a strand of hair fell forward across her face.
“I’m glad you’re here,” I told her, really meaning it. I had forgotten how much comfort I drew from her presence. Her very persona seemed to transmit a sense of warmth; again, reminding me of why she was so good at her job. I envied that natural gift.
“So, tell me everything I missed. I want to know everything you left out of your emails,” she said.
“You pretty much know everything.” I shrugged. Outside, Liam was making his way from the barn with a garden hose looped over his shoulder.
“I think I know what’s different about you,” Mom said, studying me from the side. She was smirking in that annoying, yet, all-knowing motherly kind of way.
“What?”
She nodded toward the window. “You forgot to mention how good-looking the stablehand was.”
“Mom,” I breathed flatly, shaking my head. I finished the last dish, and reached forward to shut off the faucet.
“He seems great,” she continued, “and if he’s partially responsible for this change in you–this happiness, then I’m grateful to him.”
***
I wasn’t the only one who had changed. Throughout the course of the day, I was beginning to pick up on a few things that seemed different about my mother as well. She was laughing more, and there was an unmistakable brightness to her eyes. She seemed carefree, and so much less guarded.
I walked her through the barn and introduced her to Maverick. He’d been a little hesitant at first, but warmed up once she offered him a peppermint. We visited briefly with the other horses in the barn, greeted Radar, and the other animals, and walked around chatting about everything. It was a nice change to finally seem so normal.
“So I’ve been thinking,” she began as we sat down on the porch swing. We were surrounded by millions of budding flowers in the nearby trees, and their fragrant aromas drifted pleasantly through the air in our direction. “What would you think about selling our house?”
I looked up at her then, a mixture of emotions coloring my face. “Are you serious?” I asked.
She nodded. “It’s a great house, and it will always be the place where I raised you and your brother. But, I know that things are changing, and I’ve made peace with that. I was going to wait to even bring it up, but seeing you here and seeing you so happy,” she shook her head, “I think it’s the right time.”
After everything had happened, I lost any emotional attachment I might have once carried for the house. It was yet another thing that had changed in my life, and I couldn’t look at it the same anymore.
“Actually, that’s kind of great,” I told her.
“Really? You think?”
“Yeah, I was actually thinking of staying here when I go back to school in the fall. Grandma said I could, and it would be much easier for training. I was going to talk to you about it first–get your opinion.”
Mom was quiet for a minute, nodding as she digested the information. “I think,” she said, “that it seems like a good idea. I was thinking of that when you wrote me about the equine program. It wouldn’t make much sense for you to be away from the horses while you’re training.”
“What about you, though? I don’t want you to be alone.”
“The hospital has apartments. I’m sure I could rent one of those. It’s not like I’m going to need very much space. Besides, I’ll still be traveling. It wouldn’t make much sense to pay for a house when I’m never home to use it.”
I nodded.
“Knowing that you were here would make me feel better, too,” she said. “I wouldn’t worry about you knowing that I’ll be gone so much. We’ve suffered through a lot of change, but I want you to know how proud I am of you. You’re becoming your own person, and she’s capable, and so, so strong.”
“You must see something in me that I don’t,” I said, feeling tears pool in the corners of my eyes from her compliment.
“You will,” she said assuredly. “You’re on the right track.”
I leaned my head against her shoulder while our feet pushed against the pavement, rocking the swing. We sat there in silence, and I breathed in the scent of her perfume, relaxing into her presence.
“Your father told me he sent you a letter.” Her tone was clear, but I sat up, staring at her as though I hadn’t heard her correctly.
“What? How do you–”
“Did you get it?” she asked.
“You’re talking to him?” I narrowed my eyes in disbelief.
“Darcy, your father and I aren’t enemies.” She shifted in the swing, angling her body towards mine.
I snorted. “Since when?”
She shot me a pointed look. “We were never enemies. We just…”
“You can’t finish that sentence, can you?” I snorted again.
“Darcy,” Mom said, gently placing her hand over my knee, “you need to read the letter. You need to hear his side of the story.”
Abruptly, I pushed up from the swing. I walked to the edge of the porch, leaning on one of the support beams for–well, for support.
I felt a warm, tentative hand on my shoulder, but I didn’t turn to look at her. I didn’t have to. “Will you please look at the letter? For me.”
I didn’t make myself do it, but, I was nodding. I reached up, briefly touching her fingertips before I left her standing on the porch. I walked across the grass, mechanically finding my way inside the house, and headed for the stairs. I took them painfully slow, and felt myself move in the direction of my bedroom. Once inside, I closed the door, and sank down into the mattress. I stared out the window, watching the horses playing in the pasture beyond the barn.
Beside me, I reached for the handle of the nightstand, wrapping my fingers around the cool knob. I started to pull.
The screen door opened down below; the old hinges snapping as it slammed behind whoever had entered. I supposed Grandpa hadn’t entirely fixed the door after all.
“Where’s Darcy?” I heard my grandmother ask. “I thought you two were together.”
“We were.” My mom sighed, and I listened as the wooden pegs of a kitchen chair scathed across the floor. “I think I may have upset her.”
“How so?”
I moved from the bed and opened the door just a tiny fraction so I could hear their conversation better. “I don’t know.” I heard her sigh deeply. “I mentioned a letter that her father had sent her, and asked if she’d read it yet.”
“Oh.” Judging by the silence that followed, I could only imagine the look on my grandma’s face.
“Mom? Say something,” she beckoned nervously.
“I don’t really know what to say, Laura. You can’t force Darcy to forgive her father. She has to do that in her own time.”
“I know that, but there’s more to the story than what she believes. He misses her, and not having a relationship with her is killing him.”
The silence that followed was so deafening that I could hear my heart beating beneath my rib cage. The rhythm was off-beat; unsteady.
“I can imagine how difficult
it must be for him… Losing Gabriel has been hard on the entire family, but I don’t think any of us will quite understand the bond that he and Darcy shared. She’s starting to work past things. I just don’t want to see her take one step forward only to jump three steps back. Maybe, we just need to focus on one thing at a time,” Grandma finished.
Now, my mother was silent.
I looked down, unaware that I had been twirling Gabriel’s ring between my thumb and index finger. The emerald stone was just as bright and shiny as the day he’d gotten it. I hadn’t ordered one; I didn’t think I’d wear it after graduation. Ironic, since his had become the only piece of jewelry I had never taken off.
My fingertips traced the initials of our high school, and the cross country insignia on either side of the band. Sometimes I wondered if I would end up rubbing the finish off for as much as I messed with it.
“Does she know?” I heard my mother ask.
Another pause, and then: “No.”
I felt a frown creasing my brows, and wondered what they could have been talking about. I didn’t like that there might have been a secret the two were sharing that I wasn’t privy to.
“He seems like a nice boy,” my mom said.
“He’s a wonderful young man, and a hard worker. We’re lucky to have him,” Grandma said.
I assumed that Liam must have walked by the kitchen window again. I closed the door quietly, and walked over to the opposite side of the bed, closest to the nightstand. I sat down on the edge of the bed, and retrieved my cell from the top drawer. I had a couple of missed texts from Beck, letting me know she had returned to the land of the living and was feeling better. I put the phone down, and caught the corner of the blue envelope in the drawer when I tried to close it.
Great, I thought, even an inanimate object was beckoning to be read. I bit my lower lip, running my fingertips across the edges of the envelope. Before I could change my mind, I tore into the top corner with my fingernails and pulled the letter out.
***
Dearest Darcy,
I understand that you’re upset with me. Blocking my phone calls and avoiding me at any cost have made that apparent enough, but that doesn’t change the fact that you are still my daughter. Regardless of how you feel about me, you need to know that there is nothing on this planet that I hold dearer than you. I know that what I did to our family was wrong, and I have no excuses that could possibly make up for the hurt or the damage that I caused. Instead, I can only offer you the truth.
At some point within the past twenty years of our marriage, your mother and I stopped being a team. We stopped supporting one another, and we stopped trying to work on our marriage. Without trying, we drifted apart. Simply put, we fell out of love. I can tell you that it was never intentional; neither of us would choose to purposely hurt the other. But by the time we had realized the severity of the situation, the damage that had been done was irreparable. It had gone on so long and so unnoticed that there was nothing left to fix.
It was poor planning on both our parts, but we had made the mutual decision to stay together (to save face) until both you and your brother had graduated high school. Our intentions were good, but I know intentions alone cannot make up for the heartache.
I should have never brought another woman into our house, Darcy. This alone may be my greatest regret. If it weren’t for me, then maybe the actions that followed would never have happened. I’ll carry around the guilt of that night with me for the rest of my life…
I cannot; however, live the rest of my life believing I have jeopardized the one relationship I am sure I cannot survive without.
I hope in time you will be able to forgive me. I miss you, my daughter.
Love, Dad
***
I read the letter a second time through, slowly–absorbing.
When I thought back–picturing all of our lives together–I couldn’t pinpoint a place in time when things weren’t normal between my parents. There was rarely a marital dispute, or anger, or anything to indicate that they weren’t getting along. How could I not have known that there was a crack in the armor of their love? How could I have been so blind–so ignorant to think that everything was fine?
Had my entire life just been a giant fabrication?
***
I didn’t go downstairs for dinner that night. I told Grandma that I hadn’t been feeling well and needed to rest. I could tell that she knew I was lying by the omniscient look in her eye, but she let me have my space anyway. “I’ll tell everyone your stomach is upset,” she said as she backed out of the doorway, closing the door quietly behind her. I listened to her fading footsteps descending the stairs until I couldn’t hear them anymore.
Mom was actually laughing at something downstairs, and I wondered when the last time was that I had heard her laugh. It was a musical sound, like the cheerful sounding bells I had once played at a Christmas pageant.
There was a ping noise coming from the window. I looked over in time to see another pebble bouncing off the glass. Sluggish, I pulled myself from the bed and made my way over to the ledge. Liam was outside, standing below the stoop of the roof. I pushed the window upward, leaning out into the cool evening air.
“I saw your light on,” he said, letting the remaining pebbles drop onto the drive. “I figured you were up there instead of at dinner.”
“Pretty good deduction, Sherlock,” I said teasingly. I felt the slow release of tension leaving the aching muscles in my shoulders. It was amazing how much calmer I felt in his presence. All he had to do was look at me.
“I just wanted to say goodbye,” he said.
I didn’t want him to leave, so I acted on impulse. “Come up,” I beckoned.
“Really?”
“Use the trellis,” I suggested.
“What if I break it?”
“You won’t,” I said, “Gabriel and I used to do it all of the time.”
“Okay,” he said, studying the wooden contraption against the side of the house. After a slight pause, he gripped the vines and began climbing swiftly and effortlessly. He shimmied onto the stoop, and I carefully maneuvered myself out of the window to join him. He was there, gently taking hold of my arm to steady me as I settled onto the roof with Liam at my side.
We were both quiet for a moment, taking in the surrounding view of the farm. Shades of pink and gold painted the sky, chasing the setting sun into the west. I wanted to stay like that; with him sitting so close beside me that I could feel the body heat radiating in the small space between us.
“So, why aren’t you at dinner?” he asked.
“I didn’t feel like eating anything,” I said.
“No?” he questioned. “What about your mom, she seemed pretty stoked to see you earlier. I bet she’s missing your company.”
I snorted.
Liam studied my expression. “Did something happen, earlier?”
“You could say that.” I shook my head; still unbelieving. “I keep trying to get through… everything,” I settled on the word. “It just seems like once I’ve dealt with something and I start moving forward with my life, something else comes along and just completely knocks me off balance.
“I kind of think that maybe this is just life–just one complication right after another. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get used to it, you know.” I was basically reiterating the conclusion I had come to earlier. Life just wasn’t giving me a break today.
“Well,” he said, pulling his knees up so that he could drape his arms across them. “I might be able to give you better advice if I knew what was going on,” he prompted gently.
I took a deep breath, and then blew ou
t slowly. I knew I could trust him; I was sure because I felt it in my gut. It was like the feeling I got when I was standing on the starting line before a race. I could feel every muscle in my body, willing and able. I could feel the air ballooning in my lungs, and I could taste the quietness before the starting gun sounded. I trusted that my body would respond adequately, and I relied on my strength to help me fly. It was a sure thing, and so was Liam.
I decided that I was done being alone. I was tired of guarding myself against the endless possibilities that were out there, waiting for me. It went against everything that I had created to protect myself in the last five months. I had kept everyone at such a careful distance because I was too afraid of getting hurt like that again. I was sure that if I had to deal with that pain again, it would break me.
Looking at him now; gazing up into those tranquil eyes of his, I just knew… Some things in life were worth the risk.
So I started from the beginning.
Chapter Sixteen
Liam’s eyes never left mine as I told him the story of what happened on that fateful night. They hardened around the edges, and softened when I found myself struggling for words, but they never left mine.
“My mom was on the road with her traveling nursing position; I can’t remember where exactly, but she was only supposed to be gone for a couple of weeks. My dad was working late at the firm, so it wasn’t hard for me to get out the house and sneak off to a party. Honestly, my dad wasn’t really involved with my social life, so I’m sure he probably didn’t care what I was doing. He knew I was with Luke, and that was good enough I guess.” I shrugged. “Or maybe it was because I was an athlete so he didn’t think I’d ever do anything to jeopardize losing my position on the team.
“Anyway, my brother knew the house was supposed to be empty, so he decided to go home to study for an upcoming exam. Only, when he got there, he caught my dad with another woman…” I let my voice trail off for a minute, letting the imagery sink in. “Gabriel flipped of course. I don’t exactly know what happened after that, but the next thing I know is that I’m getting a frantic phone call from him–asking me where I am, and telling me that he was coming to pick me up.
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