How to Grow Up and Rule the World
Page 1
EGMONT
We bring stories to life
First published by Egmont USA, 2010
443 Park Avenue South, Suite 806
New York, NY 10016
Copyright © Scott Seegert, 2010
Illustrations by John Martin
All rights reserved
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
www.egmontusa.com
www.vordak.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Seegert, Scott.
How to grow up and rule the world / [illustrations by John Martin].
p. cm. — (Vordak the Incomprehensible)
Summary: A top supervillain offers rules and advice to readers on how to develop an evil plan to rule the world.
ISBN 978-1-60684-013-9 — ISBN 978-1-60684-082-5 (reinforced library binding) [1. Humorous stories.]
I. Martin, John, 1963– ill. II. Title.
PZ7.S45157Ho 2010
[Fic]—dc22
2010011475
eBook ISBN 978-1-60684-348-2
Printed in the United States of America
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher and copyright owner.
DEDICATION
To me, without whom not a single one of my glorious accomplishments would have been possible.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I would like to commend my agent, Dan Lazar, my editor, Regina Griffin, and all the fine professionals at Egmont USA and Writers House for their wonderful contributions to this project. Unfortunately, I can’t. A herd of bison would have been more helpful.
CONDOLENCES
I would like to take this opportunity to offer my sincere condolences to any other authors who have the misfortune to be releasing a book this year. As you are well aware, there is only so much attention to go around, and my book will rightfully be receiving the lion’s share of it. Just so we are clear on this, I don’t want to hear any whining.
Contents
Glorious Me!
1. Bringing Out the EVIL
2. Getting a Jump on Your EVIL Career
3. SUPERHEROES—Noble Upholders of Justice or Big, Fat, Stupid Jerks?
4. The EVIL Lair
5. Building a Top-Notch EVIL Organization
6. Instruments of EVIL
7. The EVIL Plan
8. Congratulations, You Rule the World! Now What?
GLORIOUS ME!
Greetings, inferior one. I am Vordak the Incomprehensible. Who you are doesn’t matter. What does matter is my dastardly decision to add the world of book publishing to my growing list of conquests. Without even trying very hard, I have created a book of such unbelievable brilliance that it dwarfs all other literature preceding it throughout the course of human history. The wisdom contained within these pages is of such humongousness that it offers even a piddling piece of pond scum such as yourself the opportunity to ONE DAY GROW UP AND RULE THE WORLD! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
All right, hold on.… Give me a second, here. The level of blowharded-ness I unleashed in that opening paragraph has left me a bit winded. No less evil, mind you, but winded. That’s right—I’m evil. Extremely evil. Evil is who and what I am.
And as you can see from my awe-inspiring costume, I make no attempts to hide my evilosity from the world at large. I am tremendously proud of my heartless nature, and if you have any hopes of eventually becoming planetary dictator, you, too, will need to embrace your inner evil. I’m not talking “break your mother’s favorite ceramic egg and blame it on your little brother” evil. I’m talking “willing to pull the moon into a collision course with the Earth by means of a powerful, nuclear-powered tractor beam in order to get your way” evil. I’m talking incredibly evil. Worse than your orthodontist.
I have decided to share a portion of my never-ending knowledge with those of you who prove to have “what it takes,” which in this case happens to be $13.99. I realize that seems like quite a bit of money for a book, but when you consider the payoff is possession of all the wealth of human civilization, it’s got to be worth $19.99 easy. Within these pages you’ll find instructions, advice, charts, and illustrations, all of which were carefully crafted for the specific purpose of making the book thicker. I “auditioned” seventeen illustrators before finding one who could meet deadlines while generating artwork I deemed acceptable to include in the book.
I would have done it myself, but I did not want the magnificence of my artistic talent distracting readers from the text.
You will also be treated to my mind-numbing Commandments of Incomprehensibility, which appear periodically throughout the text. They highlight thoughts and ideas that contain especially high levels of wisdom—even for me. For example:
FIRST COMMANDMENT OF INCOMPREHENSIBILITY
Protect this book with your life. It is more valuable than the rest of your possessions combined. In fact, it is probably more valuable than your life, particularly if it’s a signed copy.
I demand that tremendous care be taken while reading my masterpiece. Wear only gloves made from the finest acid-free Ethiopian ibex hair when handling the book. No other clothing—just the gloves. And remember to store the book in a dark, low-humidity, smoke-free environment, preferably deep space.
Copies of my book may be exhibited in your home using the temperature-controlled V-731 Priceless Object Display Vault.
To ensure that only magnificent copies are circulating across the globe, this book has been equipped with a microscopic self-destruct mechanism that will be triggered automatically in the event that so much as one page endures the slightest mistreatment, instantly vaporizing both the book and its reader (Fourth Commandment of Incomprehensibility).
QUESTIONS
Part of what makes me “Incomprehensible” is my ability to predict the thoughts of those less intelligent than myself, which is pretty much everyone else on the planet, including you. And right now, I sense that you have a few questions, so I’ll just go ahead and ask them for you, to prevent your measly little brain from overheating.
“What if I’m only looking to rule a portion of the world,
like say Turkmenistan or Disney World?”
Then put this book back on the shelf immediately. Actually, pay for it first and then put it back on the shelf. Your lack of ambition quite frankly appalls me, and I refuse to allow your lazy little fingertips to contaminate these pages for one moment longer. There are plenty of other books that should suit your “needs” rather nicely.
“Why do I have to be evil in order to rule the world?”
Think of the nicest, most non-evil person you know. Perhaps your grandmother. Or a teacher. Or the mail carrier. Now ask yourself: Does this person RULE THE WORLD? I didn’t think so. Therefore it becomes obvious* that one must be evil in order to RULE THE WORLD!
“Well, then, how can I tell whether I’m evil or not?”
You can take my Evil Aptitude Exam, that’s how. Simply choose the response that best describes what you would do in each of the situations presented. You have thirty seconds to complete the exam. You may begin … now!
VORDAK THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE’S
Evil Aptitude Exam
1. While riding your bike you notice a woman attempting to transport a houseplant across a busy intersection. Disregarding your own safety, you immediately:
a) hop off your bike and offer to help her across the street.
b) sell overpriced popcorn and soda to captivated bystanders.
c) use your handlebar-mounted light-bendi
ng ray to make her virtually invisible to oncoming traffic.
2. You spot a cat stuck in a tree. It has obviously been up there for quite some time and appears to be cold, hungry, and frightened. Without giving it a second thought, you:
a) run to the fire department to get help.
b) walk very slowly to the fire department to get help.
c) tap into your advanced knowledge of genetic engineering to create a tree-climbing pit bull.
3. You learn that your school’s new foreign exchange student, who is from Iceland and speaks very little English, has a crush on a girl in his math class. You see this as the perfect opportunity to:
a) help him out by introducing the two of them.
b) inform him that the English translation of the Icelandic phrase “We’re in the next class together—may I carry your books?” is “Due to problematic diarrhea, I am already into my seventh pair of underwear this morning.”
c) use your handlebar-mounted light-bending ray to give him the appearance of a cat when in the vicinity of tree-climbing pit bulls.
4. After discovering a $100 bill lying on the sidewalk, you decide to:
a) do everything within your power to find the rightful owner in order to return the money.
b) do everything within your power to find the rightful owner in order to wave the bill in his or her face and point out that you are the keeper while they, alas, are the weeper.
c) use it as a down payment on a missile silo.
5. Upon entering your school’s cafeteria, you spot Milton Schleppson, the smallest, feeblest kid in the entire school, lying facedown on the floor, covered with what appears to be a mixture of split pea soup and applesauce, while a large gathering of his fellow students point and laugh hysterically. You immediately rush to Milton’s side in order to:
a) help him to his feet.
b) use your cell phone camera to record a video for uploading onto YouTube.
c) apply a nuclear wedgie, in which the victim’s underwear is stretched to such an extent it may now be worn comfortably by a sumo wrestler.
“Are you through with those?”
STOP! Your time is up. Put your pencil down and proceed immediately to the scoring key.
Scoring Key:
Award yourself 1 point for every “a” answer, 2 points for every “b,” and 3 points for every “c.”
Extra credit
Add 1 point if you didn’t really stop when you were instructed to.
Add 1 point if you attempted to copy off someone else’s exam, even if that person is stupid.
Add 1 point if you used the time you had left over to sketch plans for a fully functional submarine-mounted tectonic-plate-destabilization beam generator in the margin.
Score
(0–7) I’m sorry to say you will probably never RULE THE WORLD! And even if by some miracle you do, you’ll just waste all of your power on things like promoting world peace and improving the environment and … snuggling. I’m familiar with your type. I suggest you read Chapter 1: Bringing Out the Evil seven or eight times and then try retaking the exam. It wouldn’t hurt to whack somebody in the knees every now and again, either.
(8–14) You’re on the right track. Although you can’t yet be considered truly evil, you are quite mean—loathsome, even—which is a good start. And you have plenty of time to get worse. Your current level of eviltude will most likely allow you to rise only as high as your school’s student council, but you will no doubt inflict some serious chaos once there. Read Chapter 1 carefully and you should be well on your way to ever-increasing levels of maliciousness.
(15+) Your heart beats cold and black. Your pores ooze evil. Well, they ooze sweat, but it’s definitely an evil sweat. And not just because it smells bad, either. With a little training, your sweat would be fully capable of oppressing a small island nation all by itself. And you’re probably a Yankees fan. You can skip Chapter 1 altogether.
“Why are you so willing to divulge your evil secrets?”
To an undeserving whelp such as yourself? Well, I’m not as young as I used to be. My neck grows weary of supporting my awe-inspiring Helmet of Disconcertment, and I simply no longer possess the energy required to conquer the planet myself. So I’ve decided to go this route.
Now, if you will simply apply your signature to the following standard evil promise of blah-da-blah-da-blah, which would be a foolish waste of your time to read over carefully, we’ll be free to proceed with this introduction:
“Why should I take your advice?
Have you, personally, ever ruled the world?”
No, but I have come agonizingly close on a number of occasions only to be thwarted by my mistakes my occasional lapses in judgment circumstances that were completely beyond my control—which reminds me:
SECOND COMMANDMENT OF INCOMPREHENSIBILITY
Never believe Commander Virtue when he assures you there is no need to confiscate his utility belt because there is nothing in there that he can use to escape from your latest diabolically clever yet extremely slow-acting death trap, anyway.
Apparently, honesty is not one of his virtues.
“How about telling us a little bit about yourself?”
Nothing would please me more—not because you requested it, but because I believe there exists no more worthy a subject of discussion anywhere in the universe. My experience was actually a pretty standard one as far as evil childhoods go.
My father, Walter the Incomprehensible, struggled valiantly right up until his retirement to gain unquestioned dominion over the Earth. Alas, he rose only as high as mayor of Gomersborough, a small town in central Wisconsin. But he was a very evil small-town mayor, and the work ethic and dedication he displayed in his repeated attempts to conquer neighboring towns and villages helped shape me as I was growing up. To this day, I still have fond memories of the time our family spent together around the dinner table:
Mom: “And how was your day, Walter?”
Dad: “Excellent! Not only did the Department of Public Works complete the installation of my satellite-mounted XZ7000 Remote Laser Cannon, but I was also able to divert a delivery of chicken feed originally bound for Starksville to Norrin City—let’s see them sort that one out! Muahahahaha!”
Mom: “MUAHAHAHAHA!”
Me: “MUAHAHAHAHA!”
Dad: “Muahahahaha!”
Dad never did perfect his evil laugh, which I feel is at least partially to blame for his lack of success.
My mother, Irene the Unmerciful-Incomprehensible, was herself the product of an extremely evil home. The youngest of three sisters, she grew up in Talbot, New Mexico, where her parents, Zolvax and Marie the Unmerciful, had settled down after numerous failed attempts at superheating the Earth’s core in an effort to melt the polar ice caps.
Like many mothers when I was growing up, Mom didn’t work outside the home. She helped Dad out, evil-wise, whenever possible (her homemade mind-control pies were a big reason he was voted into office in the first place), and she was quite fond of using Dad’s advanced technology around the house.
“Aw, man ‧
genetically altered broccoli again?”
I also had a younger brother whom I’ll refer to as “Kyle,” since that was his name. Kyle was a delightful child. As he approached his fifth birthday, he had already proven himself to be a polite, courteous, and helpful young citizen. He was put up for adoption shortly thereafter.
I received less-than-stellar grades from elementary school through junior high, not because I wasn’t staggeringly intelligent (I was), but because I spent every waking moment plotting the downfall of the entire school district.
The start of my high-school career coincided with Dad finally unveiling his XZ7000 Remote Laser Cannon, which he was fond of publicly boasting was so accurate it could burn a hole the diameter of a crocheting needle clean through a human skull—say, that of a high-school teacher—from its orbit nearly twenty-three thousand miles above the Earth’s surface. I received
excellent grades in high school.
I went on to study a couple of semesters at Duke University, where I continued to hone my evil as a member of the Blue Devils basketball team. I never actually got to play in a game (apparently I wasn’t “tall” enough, even with my Helmet of Disconcertment), but I do still hold the single-game record for most injuries inflicted upon an opponent through “incidental” contact involving a scorer’s table (six).
I left college when the opportunity arose to join the Denizens of Doom, at the time the top evil Supervillain organization in the world. They had an opening for a Lackey in their Minion Division. I remained with the DOD for seven years, rising as high as Assistant Human Resources Manager. And then “the incident” occurred. Due to a huge blunder an enormous lapse in judgment circumstances that were completely beyond my control, I failed to conduct a thorough enough background investigation prior to hiring a new Supervillain named Commander Vice. It turns out he was actually Commander Virtue with a different colored mask and some hair gel. Again, honesty does not appear to be one of his virtues. After that presumptuous pinhead single-handedly destroyed half of the DOD secret lair, it was mutually agreed that I would pursue other employment opportunities. Needless to say, they eventually regretted letting me go.