The Room Novelization

by Marcus Sullivan

  Johnny swatted Mark away from his future wife. "Since when do you give me orders!"

  "Since she changed her mind about you!"

  Johnny smiled sarcastically.

  "Wake up man!" Mark yelled, "What planet are you on!"

  "I think you should leave right now, Mark." Johnny said calmly.

  Lisa interjected. "Don't spoil it, we were just having fun."

  "Don't worry about it man." Mark said, and he reached a comforting hand out to Johnny's shoulder.

  Johnny swatted his hand away. "Don't touch me motherfucker! Get out!"

  Mark charged at Johnny and the two locked in combat.

  "Stop it! Stop it!" Lisa cried out.

  "Leave her alone!" Johnny pushed Mark and Mark hit the wall, falling on his ass.

  "You two are acting like children." Lisa said.

  Mark pushed himself up and walked toward Johnny. "Son of a bitch!"

  "You're going to ruin the party!" Lisa said.

  "If you keep your girl satisfied she wouldn't come to me!"

  Johnny tore off his jacket. "Get out of my house!" he lunged at Mark and limbs started to fly as they fought. "I kill you! I break every bone in your body!"

  "Stop it!" Lisa screeched.

  That guy and Mike tore the best friends apart.

  "I kill you you bastard!" Johnny said.

  "You couldn't kill me if you tried!"

  "You betrayed me! You're not good! You're just a chicken!" And then Johnny started chirping. "Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep!"

  Mark exploded back and Johnny and they came to blows. Quickly, their friends separated them.

  "It's over!" one of them yelled out.

  "Shut up!"

  "Cool it!" That guy said.

  "Shut up!"

  "It's over!"

  "It's not over! Everybody betrayed me. I'm fed up with this world!" Johnny threw his hands up and made his way up the stairs.

  Despite Lisa's best efforts, Johnny's birthday party was ruined.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  The party filed out and the night turned to day. Claudette, who stayed behind to console her daughter, ascended the spiral staircase up to Johnny and Lisa's bedroom. Lisa was sitting on the couch and Johnny was locked inside the bathroom like a thirteen-year old.

  "I cleaned up the kitchen, sweetheart." Claudette said, "so you don't have to worry about that."

  Lisa stood up.

  "He still won't come out of the bathroom."

  "Sweetheart he's upset! Now Johnny is a sensible man. He will come out, you will discuss this, everything is going to be OK." Claudette had had multiple marriages, so she knew how these sort of adultery-with-your-husband's-best-friend scenarios turned out.

  "I just think I should be alone with him right now." Lisa said, concerned for Johnny even though she doesn't love him anymore.

  "I understand sweetheart. I'm going to go home now." Claudette kissed her daughter and poked her on the nose. "Bye bye. You call me if you need me."

  "I will, thanks Mom."

  "Hm hm" Claudette said and with that was gone down the spiral staircase.

  Lisa turned towards the bathroom door. Behind it lay a shattered, broken man. Lisa approached the door and tried the knob. No use. Still locked. She slammed her opened palm against the wood and marched off to the center of the room where she stood with her arms folded.

  "You can come out now Johnny. She's gone."

  "In a few minutes bitch." Came Johnny's reply through the door.

  "Who are you calling a bitch?" Lisa asked.

  "You and your stupid mother."

  Lisa scowled and turned towards the phone, grabbed it and dialed. After a few rings, a familiar voice came on the line.

  "Hello?"

  "Hi, Mark? I need to talk to you."

  Mark was confused. What could she possibly have to talk to him about?

  "What's going on?"

  "Don't worry about Johnny. He's just being a big baby. You know...I love you very much."

  Johnny held his ear against the bathroom door, straining to hear his future wife.

  "I love you." he could make out Lisa say.

  "Why don't you ditch this creep, I don't like him anymore." Mark said, disgust boiling in his voice.

  "I know, he's not worth it. Why don't I come up there and be with you?"

  "Sure baby, come on up." Mark seduced. "I want your body."

  "You got it. I'm on my way. Bye." She said just loud enough for Johnny to hear.

  "Bye." Mark whispered.

  Johnny could listen idly no longer. He burst out of the bathroom.

  "Who were you talking to?" he asked accusingly.

  "Nobody."

  "We'll see about that!" Johnny said, walking out of the room. Lisa went about packing her things.

  Moments later, Johnny returned.

  And he had a tape.

  He shook it in his hand at Lisa and she stopped dead in her tracks. She had a terrible feeling about what might be on it. Had he recorded everything?

  Johnny sat on the bed and pulled a tape player from the bedside drawer.

  "We'll see about that." he repeated, popped the tape in and pressed play.

  "Hello?" came Mark's voice, exactly as it had sounded seconds earlier.

  "Hi, Mark? I need to talk to you." echoed Lisa's recorded voice of moment's ago.

  Lisa grabbed for the recorder, but Johnny pulled it away.

  "What's going on?"

  "Don't worry about Johnny, he's just being a big baby."

  Lisa took a last look at Johnny and then went back to sorting her clothes.

  Johnny let the tape play on.

  "You know, I love you very much. You're the sparkle of my life. I love you."

  Lisa dropped another pair of underwear into her bag and Johnny grabbed her arm, stopping the tape.

  "You little tramp! How could you do this to me!" He screamed. "I gave you seven years of my life! And you betrayed me. Let's see what else we have on this tape..."

  Johnny reached for the play button.

  "No!" Lisa ordered, "Stop. You little prick. I put up with you for seven years. You think you're an angel. You're just like everybody."

  "I treat you like a princess and you stab me in the back. I love you and I did anything for you to just please you and now you betrayed me. How could you love him!" Johnny wailed.

  And he pressed play.

  "Why don't you ditch this creep, I don't like him anymore." Mark said, disgust boiling in his voice over the tape.

  "I know he's not worth it. Why don't I come up there and be with you?"

  Lisa looked down at the tape with smug approval.

  "Sure baby, come on up. I want your body."

  "You got it."

  And with that Johnny exploded, throwing the recorder and smashing it against the wall.

  He fell back onto the bed.

  "Everybody betrayed me. I don't have a friend in the world." he muttered to himself.

  "I'm leaving you Johnny." Lisa said. And true to her word, she was out of the room in moments.

  Johnny stood and walked over to the railing.

  "Get out. Get out. Get out of my life!" he screamed after her.

  And then he growled and fell back on the bed.

  * * *

  Betrayl surged through every bone in Johnny's muscular body. He stampeded down the spiral stairs, each step compounding his anger. He fell hard onto the couch.

  "Ahhhh!" he cried out. "Why Lisa! Why! Why!"

  Like a hailstorm, memories struck him, one after another after another. Getting drunk with Lisa, his tie tied around her head.

  He screamed.

  Dancing with her in the dark.

  Her sweet kiss.

  He screamed again, tears cut their way across his cheek.

  Making love to her and the rose pedals and the way she looked in that red dress...

  "You bitch!" Johnny stood, throwing the fruit out of the bowls. Kicking over the lamp, boxes, dest
roying all the glasses and candles and painting on his mantle.

  With all the might his anger would grant him, he picked up the television and with one swift blow, threw it out the window.

  "You bitch!" he spat out. "You bitch!"

  It smashed against the pavement.

  "Screw the whole world!"

  He brought his carnage up the stairs, destroying Lisa's keepsakes on her dresser, then destroying the dresser itself, pulling out each shelf individually and sprawling it's contents across the floor. Then he pushed the whole thing over.

  He grabbed the comforter off the bed. The pillows. The sheets. And he smashed them all to the floor in a heap before throwing himself on the bare mattress.

  He flashed to him and Lisa. Making love there.

  He stood up once more, knocking over a vase and a candle ornament. He saw his reflection in the mirror, and couldn't stand to look upon himself.

  He threw a rock at it and the reflection shattered, broken as he himself was.

  Finally, Johnny collapsed on the floor. Amongst the sheets, something caught his eye.

  Lisa's red dress. The one he had bought for her all those weeks ago.

  He felt it. Let it fall through his fingers and in his mind's eye he could see her once again. Twirling in it in all her beauty.

  He took it to his nose and breathed in. Her scent still stuck to it. It aroused Johnny, so he shoved the dress into his crotch and thrust, each pelvic spasm a reminder of the beautiful love they once shared.

  She was his future wife. No more.

  "You tramp..." he spoke through moans.

  He tore at the dress, ripping it to shreds, each shred a reminder now not of her beauty, but of her deceit.

  He saw her dancing with Mark, and he tore a piece of the dress.

  "I put up with you..." Her voice echoed in his mind, and he tore another piece.

  He discarded the dress and cried out.

  He reached for a box. Opened it and held its contents.

  Cold. Hard. Steel.

  "Why, why is this happening to me! Why!"

  He looked at the gun in his hands.

  "It's over."

  He cocked the gun.

  "God, forgive me."

  Johnny shoved the barrel in his mouth.

  "Everything will be all right..." Lisa's voice echoed one last time. "Goodnight Johnny."

  And he pulled the trigger.

  EPILOGUE

  Lisa and Mark burst into the bedroom, the sound of the gunshot alerting them to action. Immediately Mark realized the bullet's target.

  Johnny, his best friend, was sprawled dead on the floor, a bloody mess where his head should be.

  He ran over and grabbed on to him, shaking him.

  "Wake up Johnny! Come on!" he screamed.

  Lisa began to cry.

  "Is he dead?" she choked out. She let his lifeless hand fall from hers and shook in her shock and her grief and her guilt. "My god! Mark, is he dead!"

  Mark, not being a medical doctor, had no way of knowing if a gunshot wound to the head was fatal. So he felt for a pulse.

  His hands emerged covered in blood.

  And there was no pulse.

  "Yes, he's dead." Mark pushed out though tears. "Yes he's dead!"

  "Oh my god!" Lisa cried.

  Mark leaned in and kissed his late friend on his forehead.

  Lisa stopped crying for just a moment, then looked at Johnny's corpse and broke out again. "Oh my god.." she wailed.

  Mark put a comforting hand around her.

  "I lost him, but I still have you right?" Lisa pleaded. "Right?"

  Mark pushed her away from him.

  "You don't have me!" he spat at her. "You'll never have me!"

  Lisa cried out again.

  "You killed him."

  "Mark we're free to be together. I love you."

  Mark could only shake his head at this muderous bitch.

  "I love you." she repeated, reaching out for his arm.

  He shoved her hands away again. "Tramp. You killed him. You're the cause of all of this. I don't love you."

  Lisa sat and cried.

  "Get out of my life you bitch!" Mark screamed at her, thrusting his arm to the door.

  "What's happening!" It was Denny, charging his way into the room, crying.

  "Don't look Denny!" Mark tried to grab onto the boy, but he'd seen enough.

  "Johnny's dead!" he cried. Mark and Lisa had to hold him back as he tried to push his way over to the corpse. "Wake up Johnny, please! Please! It's not right!" He clutched at Johnny's chest. "It's not right!"

  "Denny, he's in a better place!" Lisa tried to comfort, but nothing could comfort Denny now. Nothing could comfort any of them.

  "Leave us!" Denny shouted, turning to look at the both of them, "Both of you leave."

  "As far as I'm concerned, you can drop off the earth." Mark said, getting up and walking towards the door, "That's a promise."

  "Just leave! Both of you!" Denny cried.

  "Leave him all right!" Mark called after Lisa, who was still kneeling beside Johnny's body. "Let him be with him!"

  "Why Johnny? Why!" Denny bawled. "Johnny why! Why?"

  Mark and Lisa stopped at the top of the stairs and turned to one another. They couldn't leave Denny. Not like this.

  They walked back to him and Lisa cradled him in her arms.

  Sirens wailed in the night as they wept. Distant screams rang out, calling for a help that was now too late. They wept and screamed for they knew that, because they had not loved each other, the world would now be a worst place.

  And with that, Johnny, best friend, future husband and future son-in-law, father figure and favorite customer...

  ...was gone.

  AFTERWORD

  It's been over a year since I completed The Room Novelization (serialized originally at theroomnovelization.blogspot.com) and in that time I've only re-watched the film once, and only then because Tommy Wiseau was in attendance. In all honesty, novelizing the movie has only compounded a sense of growing apathy I have towards The Room, one that's been growing for a couple of years. Simply put, the joke of The Room has been stretched as far as it can for me, and I think I'll need some time before I can come back to it as a movie.

  I became aware of The Room thanks to an Entertainment Weekly article on it in 2008. By then it was all ready pretty huge. I'm not going to pretend I was first on the scene, or even close to it (all of LA beat me by about 5 years), but when I started it was still underground enough that I was the only one in my circle of friends who knew it existed. To my knowledge it wasn't being screened anywhere in Ontario, and certainly not in Ottawa (these are places in Canada), so there wasn't much exposure up here except for what I can could find on the internet. And even then there weren't video games or novelizations or rap videos or web series. It was, at that point, still just a hard to find movie. I remember having to order the DVD before I could watch it the full way through. Showing it to all my friends and watching their eyes light up as they discovered it's wonders. Or I'd watch it alone, over and over ad nauseam, memorizing every insignificant, half muttered line and quoting them back to unsuspecting strangers. It was really fun. It felt like my joke (again, not really though, because it was all of LA's joke by the time I was 12).

  I even became genuinely enthralled with the movie on an almost philosophical level. Near the end of high school was a shitty time for me (picture the song 'Boulevard of Broken Dreams' by Green Days but, like, times a billion) and I would use The Room not only as a way to cheer myself up, but also as an expression of my boundless teenage angst. Life really didn't have a meaning and was just a series of laughable non-events, so what did any of it matter, oh well, whatever, never mind, right? I got into Tim and Eric through his episode on that show, and I'm into them for similar reasons. All this to say that The Room actually meant a lot to me in a strange way.

  Then it started playing at the local revival cinema. I was at first, of course, very pumped.
The idea of watching it on the big screen with a theatre full of people who got it 'like I did' was very exciting. According to the internet, there was nothing like it. And then I went to a screening. Turns out what I liked about The Room wasn't people throwing plastic spoons at my head and yelling out rehearsed drunken witticisms. It was the little things. The way Tommy would end sentences with his interpretation of the word 'huh', or his structuring of the phrase 'of course, what do you have think?'. Things that were often heckled over and ignored entirely in the atmosphere of snarky one-up-manship that screenings inspire. It felt like the audience didn't get it the way I did, and vice versa. Having said that, I get that midnight screenings are The Room to a lot of people reading this and I respect that. But it just didn't feel like my joke anymore. It wasn't my movie. It belonged to the masses of hipsters as a whole now, and I was out.

  And so it stayed for a year or so.

  Quite separately, I got really into collecting novelizations. They were just so odd. More a marketing tool than real books, they were a big deal in the 70s through to the 90s for all kinds of movies before faster home video turnover made them obsolete. Did you know that Grease was novelized? The musical Grease. When they come to the songs they literally just print the lyrics. WTF. Just so many movies that had no business being novels. In my collection I own novelizations of The Cable Guy, Ghostbusters II, Tron and Batman & Robin. Who would read these? Off hand, on a used bookstore hunt, I joked that someone should novelize The Room. The rest is history.

  Through the novelization I got to appreciate The Room my way again. Dissecting the movie for its minutiae as oppose to the big laugh lines, which had become pop-culture catch phrases by that point (I'm sorry, but even my Mom knows 'You are tearing me apart, Lisa!'). And it was fun to engage with people about the movie again! Although the site was never a huge viral hit, it did get enough attention for me to swap jokes with a bunch of you. And that was fun. But in writing the 'novel' (I sometimes tell people I've written a novel and it impresses them until I explain) I was putting the last nail in the coffin for The Room. By thinking through literally every single moment of the movie, I irrecoverably expended every possible joke I had to make on the subject. Living with the movie for months at a time as I would write also didn't help. By the end of it, I knew every inch of the movie inside and out. And it wasn't funny anymore. How many times can we observe that playing football in tuxedos doesn't make sense? I get it. It was an inside joke repeated one to many times. The movie was done.