Cut Free (The Sublime Book 4)

by Julia Wolf

  She pushed my head to the other side. “Honey, you’re going to rock the hell out of that marathon. Rachel and Joe’ll be back from their honeymoon, so we’ll all be there screaming for you way too loud. I know Rachel has plans for wildly inappropriate signs.”

  “What would I do without you guys?” I asked.

  “You’d be so bored!”

  “I have no doubt about that.” I bit my lip. “How’s my hair looking?”

  “It’s looking pretty fuckin’ amazing, if I do say so myself.”

  I smiled, my body buzzing with excitement. My mood swings were giving me whiplash. I’d been so low this morning when I saw Charlie lying broken in bed, and I wouldn’t say I was exactly flying high, but I was with Frannie and I was okay. And honestly, I couldn’t wait to see my hair. Frannie was a talented hairstylist, and I was pretty damn lucky she was the one fixing my hair.

  “Okay, sister, I think we’re all done. Why don’t you go look in the mirror and see if you want me to tweak it at all before we dry it.” Frannie whipped off the towel from around my shoulders and I went into the bathroom to check myself out.

  Before I turned on the light, I caught my reflection, but I didn’t recognize it as mine. I was Eliza with the straight hair and blunt bangs. It was just who I had always been. But that wasn’t what the mirror told me.

  Frannie came in behind me and flipped on the light. When I saw myself in the bright light, I started giggling. It was short, and I loved it. There would be no hiding behind my hair. I was all face and ears and neck.

  Turning to the side, I studied my profile. Frannie had made me actually look kind of funky and hip. I’d never been either of those things. I was always classic and sweet. But now, with short choppy bangs and edgy pieces around my ears, I felt like I needed some leather, smoky eyes, and maybe even a metal stud or two.

  Okay, probably not. But still, I looked hot and unlike myself, but in a good way.

  “You’re awfully quiet,” Frannie said.

  “I love it, Frannie. It’s going to take some getting used to, but I love it. I can’t wait to play with it.”

  “Oh yay! You look like a pixie rock star. I dig it.”

  I jumped up and clapped. “I know!”

  After she dried my hair and made it even more adorable, we flopped on my couch with bottles of beer in our hands and the pizza we’d ordered on the coffee table in front of us.

  “What am I going to do, Frannie?”

  She took a long pull of her beer, then asked, “Do you feel done?”

  “I love him. I’m heartbroken over what’s happened, though. I don’t want to be done, but how do I get past this?”

  “Just don’t pull a Frannie and end it because you’re scared, like I tried to do with James. I know Charlie screwed up big time, but I’ve never seen you happier than you were at Rachel’s wedding.”

  I stuffed a big bite of veggie pizza into my mouth and thought over her words. There was no question how Charlie made me feel. But I’d seen a side of him I didn’t know that I liked. Actually, I knew I didn’t like the side of him that got drunk and kicked a lamppost. Could everything else I loved so much about him make up for it? I wasn’t sure.

  “Charlie has brought adventure to me. He’s made me laugh maybe more than I ever have. And he made me feel like he was my biggest fan, like he completely supported me. But now I’m not sure if he gets me at all. You would have never tried to push me up on that stage. And even though Rachel asked me to play at her wedding, she made it abundantly clear she was totally okay with me saying no.”

  Frannie tipped her beer bottle toward me. “No, neither of us would have pushed you. We’ve known you for years, though.”

  “Am I being too hard on him?” I asked.

  “Honey, only you can answer that. You know what you can live with and what you can’t. All I can say is I’m a big fan of how he’s treated you, minus the shitshow of last night.”

  “I just...I can’t believe he’s not running the marathon with me. We’ve been training together every day for months. I’ve counted on him as my support system. I don’t even know if I want to do it without him,” I said.

  Every time I thought about running for hours without Charlie making me laugh, it seemed more and more impossible.

  I stuffed another piece of pizza in my mouth. My body was going to be pissed at me for all the grease and delicious melted cheese, but on this occasion, grilled chicken and steamed broccoli didn’t seem like it would cut it. And hey, it was veggie pizza, so there was that.

  Frannie squeezed my knee. “E, look at me. Don’t give me that bullshit. You’re a runner. You’re in better shape than anyone I know. You’ve wanted to do a marathon since way before you met Charlie. Yes, he might have been the impetus for actually signing up, but this is your thing, and he was just along for the ride. Don’t wimp out now. You’d disappoint yourself, and frankly, me too!”

  I scoffed. “So we’re going straight for the tough love?”

  “The moment calls for it!”

  I ran my hand through my hair, momentarily alarmed when it ended way before I expected it to. Then I remembered, oh yeah, I’d chopped it all off.

  “Thanks, Frannie. I needed that. I know I can do it, but I just really had my heart set on doing it with Charlie.”

  She nodded, her face full of sympathy. “And hopefully you’ll get a chance to rock another marathon when he’s all healed up.”

  “Maybe. I just, I don’t know. I have to wrap my head around everything and get through the week. I can’t think about running a second marathon when I haven’t run the first!”

  After exhausting the subject, we turned on The Real Housewives, laughing at the antics of grown women with way too much time and money on their hands. I felt slightly smug at the healthiness of my friendships when I saw them stab each other in the back over and over again.

  Frannie said something quietly, and at first, I thought she was talking to the TV, but then I realized she was talking to me.

  I turned the volume down on Tamra and Vicky going at it yet again. “I’m sorry, I missed what you said.”

  She sighed and looked up at the ceiling. “James wants to get married.”

  My eyes widened. “What? Oh my god! You’re getting married? Way to slip that in there!”

  “You know I don’t really believe in marriage.”

  “Is this what you were talking about at Rachel and Joe’s wedding? Had he already asked you?”

  She wrapped her arms around her stomach and tipped her chin. “Yeah. No ring or anything, but he told me he wanted it sooner rather than later, and I told him I wasn’t sure if I’d ever want it. He looked like I kicked his puppy when I said that.”

  My heart ached for James. Frannie was a tough nut to crack, but I knew she loved him with every part of herself. Sometimes she just needed a little time to come around.

  “That’s really rough. I thought James was your one?”

  “He definitely is. There’s never going to be anyone else. He’s it for me. Everything’s just so perfect now, I don’t want it to change.” She looked dreamy as she spoke of him, their love story written all over her face.

  “I hate that word perfect. There’s no such thing.” I could go the rest of my life without hearing that word again.

  “I know, E. I don’t mean that either of us are perfect, but together, we make up for the other’s shortcomings, and it feels perfect. I don’t know if that makes sense or not.”

  “I like your definition of perfect. But do you think it feels perfect to James if he wants something you don’t?”

  She crinkled her brow. “I’m going to drink the rest of my beer and think about that. Hold please.”

  Frannie tipped her bottle back and took several long gulps. As she was drinking and thinking, I contemplated her relationship and mine. She and James were in my top five love stories. It was obvious their passion and respect for one another was both fierce and bottomless, but they still had bumps on their p
ath. It didn’t change their love, though. That was never-ending.

  Maybe Charlie and I were just at a bump we could get over. I wanted that to be true. My love for him was rock solid, but I didn’t quite trust him right now.

  Frannie set her empty bottle on the coffee table. “I’m going to marry him. I’m going to marry him so hard, he won’t know what hit him.”

  I laughed at her words and sudden change of heart. “That beer must have been really insightful!”

  “I love him. Like, big, huge, crazy love. And my objections to marriage are pretty much the same bullshit reasons I was scared of being in a relationship. Look at us now, though!”

  I smiled softly. “You guys are pretty enviable.”

  She smacked her knee. “Damn right we are! We’re completely adorable! Can you imagine James in a tux, waiting for me at the end of the aisle? Oh, I’m going to swoon right here just picturing it.”

  “Love you, Frananas. I’m glad we could talk it out.”

  She turned to me. “Did I just totally hijack your bitch session?”

  I leaned in and hugged her. “Never! I’m happy you found each other, promise.”

  Frannie planted a loud kiss on each of my cheeks. “You’re going to be okay. You know that, right?”

  I nodded. “I know it. I’ve got my girls, my little town, and my two strong legs. I’m pretty lucky.”

  She went home to jump on James and I was alone again. But this time, I really was okay. My heart was achy, but I had hope it wouldn’t stay that way. And I was more determined than ever to run the marathon. I had a week to prepare—a week to figure out a game plan of running alone.

  Twenty-Seven

  Six days until the marathon.

  I woke up early to do a short run, and then made my way home to do a little yoga before I went into work. When I got to my building, there was a folded piece of paper tucked under a rock on the bottom step.

  Dear Eliza,

  I’m sorry. Sorry isn’t enough, but it’s the only word invented to convey my regret. I’m going to invent a big, huge word to tell you how deeply sorry I am.

  Love,

  Charlie Hamada

  On the next step was another note.

  Dear Eliza,

  The word I invented is tharlopiandextrousloparimous. I’m so, so tharlopiandextrousloparimous. Like beyond tharlopiandextrousloparimous. I let you down in every way. I’m tharlopiandextrousloparimous.

  Love,

  Charlie Hamada

  I laughed as a tear dropped down on the pieces of paper. God did I miss him.

  I picked up the next paper.

  Dear Eliza,

  I can still smell you on my pillow. I’m only letting myself sniff it three times a day so I don’t lose your scent. Isn’t that the saddest thing you’ve ever heard? I’m rationing your smell.

  Blink once if you’ll ever forgive me. Ah, you blinked. There’s hope! I’m tharlopiandextrousloparimous.

  Love,

  Charlie Hamada

  I went into my apartment and put his notes in a drawer. Then I did my yoga as planned.

  Knowing he was thinking about me and wanted to be forgiven was enough for today. My focus was the marathon and nothing else. That was an exaggeration, of course. Charlie was a constant on my mind. But I didn’t have the mental energy to spare this week. I had to be selfish and focus on my goal.

  Five days until the marathon. Two days without Charlie.

  When I got home from my short run, waiting for me on the bottom step was a smoothie from my favorite smoothie place, with a note underneath.

  Dear Eliza,

  How can you be right across the street and still be so far away? This is going to sound super dramatic, but it’s true: I miss you with every breath.

  I wish I was running with you. I wish I hadn’t fucked up and broken myself. I wish I hadn’t pushed you. I wish you knew how much I love you. You do know, don’t you? Because I do.

  You asked for a week, and I’m giving it to you. But just know, on day 8 I’m going to hobble my way up your steps and camp out on your welcome mat.

  Don’t be alarmed, but I saw you walking home from work yesterday. I almost didn’t recognize you. I hope that’s not a break-up haircut, but just a “my boyfriend’s a fuck-up” haircut. You’re gorgeous, by the way.

  Love,

  Charlie Hamada

  I took his note, tucked it in the drawer with the others, and drank my smoothie. He was winning my heart back one gesture at a time. No, that wasn’t right. He’d never lost my heart. My heart was a romantic fool who would follow Charlie anywhere. It was my faith and trust that had been damaged.

  Four days until the marathon. Three days without Charlie.

  Rachel was back from her honeymoon and it felt just a little warmer and much sunnier in the salon. I was dying to hear every last detail, but I had to wait all day until we could hit the wine bar after work.

  The three of us cozied up in a booth near the back, and with sangria in hand and tapas on the table, Rachel told us about her trip.

  “People thought we were crazy when I told them we were going to Croatia for our honeymoon,” Frannie raised her hand and Rachel laughed, “but I’m telling you, it’s ideal. I mean, there are beaches and castles. Can you get any more romantic? It’s like two or three Disney movies combined!”

  “I saw the pictures you texted. I’m a believer!” I said.

  “But the most important question: how’s married banging?” Frannie asked.

  Rachel giggled. “So good! Like, I had no idea it could get better, but it does!” She leaned forward and said quietly, “And we decided to try ditching the birth control and go for it.”

  Frannie gasped. “What? Babies?”

  I rubbed my swelling heart. “I’m going to be an aunt?”

  Rachel nodded. “Hopefully within the next year. Joe and I are getting old, so we gotta get this show on the road.” She sighed. “Can’t you just picture a little red-headed baby Joe toddling around?”

  Frannie shook her head. “I can’t. I really can’t. You guys have to slow down. I just accepted the possibility of marriage, and now my Rach is going to be having babies? It’s too much!”

  Rachel squeezed Frannie’s hand across the table. “Aw, Frananas. I’m not pregnant yet! Although, Joe’s sperm could have found my little egg by now…”

  Frannie covered her ears. “No, no! I’m not ready for this!”

  I laughed. “Just give her a day or two and she’ll be on board. I’m very excited. I call dibs on baby snuggles!”

  Frannie lowered her hands. “I do love baby snuggles. You know when their tiny little fists grab your finger and you’re surprised by the strength of their grasp. Oh god, listen to me!”

  Rachel pointed at her and laughed maniacally. “No one can resist the allure of chubby little babies!”

  Frannie melted in her seat. “I’m powerless!”

  “So, onto other things. What’s going on here?” Rachel gestured toward my head. “I mean, you look hot, but I was more than a little shocked when I walked into the salon this morning.”

  I let Frannie catch Rachel up on everything because I was tired of even thinking about it.

  “Oh, Charlie. Why?” Rachel looked physically pained. “Have you talked to him yet?”

  I shook my head. “He’s been leaving me notes, and yesterday he left me a smoothie. He made up a word for how sorry he is because he said sorry doesn’t cut it. He’s trying.”

  “That’s adorable. Are we still mad at him?” Frannie asked.

  I heaved out a long sigh. “No, not really. More hurt and unsure.” I waved a hand around. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore! Let’s discuss how Frannie wants to marry James and love him forevah and evah!”

  Thankfully, the spotlight was off me and we spent the rest of the time focused on Frannie.

  When I got home, there was a small package waiting for me on the bottom step, along with a note. I took it up to my apartment and flopp
ed down on the couch before opening it. Inside the package was a pair of pink running socks. I recognized the brand. My running socks were nice, but these were top of the line, the Rolls-Royce of socks.

  Dear Eliza,

  A fancy woman like you needs fancy socks for her first marathon. The guy at the running store said they reduce blisters and you might even keep all nine of your remaining toenails! Not that I wouldn’t love you if you lost all your toenails. Even if you lost all your toes, I’d still love you. Which sounds horrible, so we probably shouldn’t talk about that.

  I miss you, Eliza. I can see you in your salon from my shop, smiling and laughing with your clients and friends, and I’m jealous. I want to be the one who makes you smile. Your smile is everything. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to put one on your face if you let me.

  I love you.

  Love,

  Charlie Hamada

  I smiled for him then. He couldn’t see it, but he was the one who did it.

  Charlie.

  Three days until the marathon. Four days without Charlie.

  Not seeing Charlie all week seemed like a smart, responsible idea at the time, so I could focus on training and make sure my mind was clear. But my training schedule was very light for the week. I actually wasn’t supposed to run at all for the next two days, and it was killing me, because I needed it. I was nothing if not a rule follower though, so I did an hour of yoga instead, which was only slightly cheating.