MA11-12 Myth-ion Improbable Something Myth-Inc

by Robert Asprin

  Like a gold knife, the shovel cut through the blue energy.

  At that moment everything in the room seemed to explode.

  I was smashed back against the stone, banging my head hard.

  Tananda tumbled across the floor toward the door, coming to rest pressed against the wood. Her eyes were closed and I couldn’t tell if she was hurt or not.

  Aahz was pressed against the stone wall beside me.

  Forces like I had never felt before held me in position as the gold cut through the flow just as we had planned. So far it was working. I couldn’t believe it.

  But then the shovel kept growing and growing as more and more gold poured into it. Something was wrong. Tananda should have unlinked the gold in the shield we built from the other gold around the area when the shield hit the energy. But there was clearly still more and more gold pouring into that shield. It had cut the side-flow, but now it was falling slowly toward the main flow, cutting into it as well as it kept growing.

  Then the room seemed to expand outward and the pressure of my head against the stone sent me down into a blackness I didn’t much like.

  “SKEEVE!”

  “Skeeve! Can you hear me?”

  The voice sounded far off, like it was coming from over a hill. I didn’t care. It was still dark out and I wanted to sleep some more.

  “Skeeve!”

  The voice was getting closer, or so it seemed. I was in blackness. Pitch-black blackness. I tried to open my eyes, but everything still remained black. Every muscle in my body ached, and somehow I seemed to have fallen out of bed.

  “Skeeve, if you can hear me, light the torch.”

  Now I understood the blackness, but I still couldn’t remember where I was. I could hear something moving around, but it was so dark, I couldn’t see a thing. More than likely it was Aahz trying to figure out what had happened to the lights.

  I felt around on the floor beside me, but I couldn’t find a torch. There wasn’t one near me. I’m not sure why I expected there to be on the floor, but still I couldn’t find it. The floor I was on was cold, like stone, and hard as a rock.

  “Skeeve, some light.”

  Aahz was starting to get on my nerves. It was dark out. Why couldn’t he just let me sleep? I reached down and ripped off a little piece of my shirt. I seemed to remember that sometime in the past I had done that same thing. But the memory was foggy.

  Holding the piece of cloth up in front of me, I focused my mind, trying to find some energy to take and light the cloth. It was hard, but I finally found enough to catch the cloth and start a small flame.

  The room around me flickered into being. Aahz was sitting against a stone wall with Tananda’s head on his lap about ten paces from me. There was nothing else in the room except a big hunk of thin, gray metal covering the center of the room.

  “I was worried about you, apprentice,” Aahz said. “Glad to see you alive.”

  “I was worried about me as well,” I said.

  Slowly I was remembering. We were here to cut the energy from a big spell done a long time ago by a Count Bovine, and the big pancake-like gray thing in the middle of the floor was my shovel, or what was left of it.

  Tananda moaned on Aahz’s lap and tried to sit up.

  “Take it easy,” Aahz said. “You got a nasty bump on the head.”

  “I can feel that,” Tananda said. Then she looked around and smiled at me. “Good to see you made it as well.”

  “I’ll tell you in the morning if I made it,” I said as more memories flooded back in.

  She laughed and then clutched her head from the pain.

  “I told you to go slow,” Aahz said.

  “Well,” Tananda said after a moment. “Did we succeed?”

  “I don’t know,” Aahz said. “Skeeve, did we succeed?”

  It took me a moment of sitting there with my back against the wall and the cloth burning in my hand to understand what he wanted me to do. Then it dawned on me. Look to see if the energy flow to the Bovine spell had stopped.

  I could do that. Or at least I thought I could do that. I opened up my mind, searching for the blue energy stream that had filled this room just a short time ago. Nothing. The side stream and the main stream were now gone completely. The room was as empty energy-wise as it was furniture-wise.

  “Oh, yeah,” I said. “We succeeded. Maybe a little too well.”

  “All gone?” Tananda asked, not moving her head.

  “All gone, main stream and all.”

  “Well, that’s going to be interesting,” Aahz said.

  The cloth was starting to get close to burning my fingers, so I scooted slowly over on the floor to where the torch lay and lit it. Then I held it up and looked around. On the other side of the room, where I was fairly sure there hadn’t been a door before, was now an open archway. A breeze blew in from the archway, through the room, and into the tunnel we had come out of.

  “I think we’d better go see what we’ve done,” Aahz said. “Can you both walk?”

  I tested my legs as Tananda tested hers. It seemed that, besides a lot of bumps and bruises, we had all come out of everything pretty well. It was going to be interesting to see how the rest of the inhabitants of this castle fared.

  “Do we have to go back up the tunnel?” I asked, trying to imagine making that climb in the condition I was in.

  Aahz shook his head. “If this didn’t work to stop Bovine’s spell, nothing is going to, and that means we’re never getting out of here, so why bother continuing to hide?”

  “I thought I had the positive attitude,” I said.

  “I can learn from an apprentice,” Aahz said.

  We limped our way toward the door with the wonderful fresh breeze blowing in. It led us into a corridor that turned after about fifty paces. After the turn there was a flight of stairs. Painful stairs, but at least stairs that had fresh air blowing down them.

  At the top, the corridor turned again and went out an archway covered in a mass of flowering plants. Aahz pushed through the plants and I helped Tananda follow.

  We stepped out into the beautiful sunshine of a wonderful afternoon. After being under tons of rock, getting knocked out by an energy explosion, and waking up in pitch darkness, the sunshine was beyond words.

  There was a shovel lying on the lawn in front of us. It was the same shape as the golden-plated shovel we had used; only there was no gold left on it.

  “Would you look at that,” Aahz said.

  On the corner of the lawn was a smoking pile of what looked like a cow.

  “Looks like we broke Bovine’s spell,” I said.

  “Sure does,” Tananda said, pointing to the shovel. “On both sides of it. Whoever had that shovel has left. And the front gates of the castle are standing wide open.”

  She was right, but what I also noticed was that the gold trim that had decorated the gate was gone, and the gold along the top of the walls was gone. I looked slowly around. There wasn’t a speck of gold in sight. Tananda’s spell must have used it all around this area.

  We walked across the soft grass toward the burning pile until the smell stopped us twenty feet away. It had been a vampire cow all right, but now its legs were sticking straight up in the air and its skin was burnt to a crisp. It looked as if had burst into flames and died almost instantly, before even turning completely back into its vampire form.

  “What a waste,” Aahz said, staring at the burning creature.

  “What are you talking about?” I asked. “That was a bloodsucking vampire.”

  “No,” Aahz said, shaking head. “I mean what a waste of good meat. No one eats their steak well-done these days.”

  He turned and smiled at me. “What was the chef thinking?”

  “That it will be years before I eat another steak,” I said.

  VICTORIOUS
OR NOT, we were still pretty tired by the time we made our way back to where we had left Harold and Glenda. Something I’ve noticed in the past about playing with channeling energies: when it’s over, what you feel is drained.

  The first thing that was noticeable was that apparently Harold had untied Glenda, as she was conscious and perched in a chair across the table from him. The second was that Harold himself seemed far more composed as he rose to greet us.

  “Ah, my friends! It seems that congratulations are in order,” he said, smiling broadly. “All indications are that you were successful in your efforts to shut down the spells.”

  “That’s not all that’s in order,” Aahz said darkly, folding his arms across his chest. “I think, at this point, we’re due a few explanations. Beyond the tale you told us originally, that is.”

  “But of course,” Harold said, gesturing for us to pull up chairs. “I take it that you have already determined that my story was not quite complete.”

  “Let’s just say that the facts as they were presented to us don’t quite add up,” Tananda said through tight lips.

  Harold nodded. “It is true that there were a few minor points that I omitted or altered slightly when I explained the situation you.”

  “Why don’t you just fill us I on those points now,” Aahz said, “and let us decide for ourselves how minor they are.”

  “Very well. First, perhaps things will be clearer if I admit that my name is not Harold. In truth, I am Count Bovine himself.”

  “The vampire?” I said, not able to keep the horror and fear from my voice.

  “I am the Count,” said Harold/Bovine, “but a vampire no longer. That, perhaps, is at the heart of the dilemma I found myself in.”

  “You’ll recall my telling you about my old mentor, Leila. Well, one of the things she taught me was how to shed the trappings and needs of a vampire and to lead a normal life. That is, as normal as life can be for one who practices magik.”

  I could identify with that last observation, but the Count was continuing.

  “We returned to this dimension with the intent of converting my fellow vampires into regular humans, thus allowing all the inhabitants to live and work together as equals. Unfortunately, the other vampires did not share my humanitarian views and wished to continue their roles are masters and rulers. That was when I attempted to lead the humans in an uprising, which ended with my mentor’s death and my being imprisoned here. It was Ubald who attacked us. Other than that, my story was essentially true.”

  “So why didn’t you tell us this in the first place?” Tananda said. “We might have helped out for a worthy cause.”

  “Perhaps,” said Bovine. “Unfortunately it has been my experience that it is easier to get people to assist you out of motives of greed than of good will. Particularly if you are a vampire, or a converted vampire, seeking aid from humans.”

  “Speaking of which,” Aahz said, “I believe there was some mention of a reward?”

  Bovine spread his hands expressively.

  “What can I say?” he said. “When I made my offer I was quite sincere, but I hadn’t anticipated that your solution to the cow spell was going to convert all the gold in the dimension to lead.”

  I glanced around the suite, and saw that what he said was apparently true. Where once there was gold in abundance in the decorations and trim, there was now nothing but a dull, silverish metal.

  “What I really hoped,” Bovine continued, “was that I could convince you to stick around for a while and help me re-establish order here. You’ve all obviously been around the dimensions, and your knowledge and experience would be invaluable. I’m sure that, in the long run, we could work something out to compensate you for your time.”

  “I think that’s my cue to be moving on,” Glenda said, rising to her feet. “World-building is definitely not my cup of tea. It’s time for me to cut my losses and head for home.”

  “What? Without your share of the reward?” Tananda said tersely.

  “Big deal,” Glenda said. “An equal share of nothing is nothing.”

  “Don’t you mean two equal shares?” I said quietly.

  For several heartbeats the whole room looked at me with blank expressions. Then Glenda giggled.

  “So, you finally figured it out, did you?”

  “You’re the Shifter from the Bazaar. Right?” I said. “You jumped ahead of us to try to cut yourself in for two shares instead of one, and even tried to ditch us so you could keep it all for yourself.”

  “Hey! You can’t blame a girl for trying.” Glenda shrugged. “After having seen so many parties come traipsing through trying to follow that map, I figured I’d try tagging along and see if I could make a difference. I mean, I had a lot of effort invested in this treasure hunt, but hadn’t seen even a copper in return so far.”

  “But when you first met us on Vortex, you said you weren’t a Shifter,” Tananda said.

  “I lied.” Glenda said simply. “One of the most closely guarded secrets of Shifters is that we can hold one shape if we set our minds to it. When Skeeve here asked me so abruptly, I thought he was guessing, so I ran a little bluff. I’m a bit curious as to how he figured it out.”

  “At the time, I was guessing,” I admitted. “I didn’t really put it together until after you ditched me on Kowtow.”

  I looked over at Aahz and Tananda.

  “I know you both thought I was making a fool of myself over a pretty face when I let Glenda sucker me so badly,” I said, “and to a certain degree you were justified. I know me better than you do, though, and the more I thought about it I couldn’t believe I had been that gullible. Then I remembered the compulsion spell from the Shifter hut. That was it, wasn’t it, Glenda? It’s my guess that I’m exceptionally sensitive to that particular spell, and the residuals were enough to guarantee my co-operation.”

  “Close enough,” she said. “Actually, I had it on at a lower strength when I was working with you, and had it vectored so the others wouldn’t feel it and guess what was going on. I didn’t think you had enough experience to realize what was going on. My mistake.”

  “I’ll say it is,” Tananda said. “Nice work, Skeeve.”

  “Well, as I was saying, I guess it’s time for me to take off.”

  “Not so fast,” Aahz said. “First, are we all in agreement that your failure to deal with us in good faith negates any and all deals we have together?”

  “Sure.” Glenda shrugged. “Like I say, one or two or no shares of nothing is still nothing.”

  “Then, too,” Aahz smiled, “I’m sure you wouldn’t like to have it bandied about the Bazaar that you’ve been poaching on your clients expeditions, would you? That wouldn’t do your reputation much good, or the reputation of Shifters in general.”

  Glenda’s eyes narrowed dangerously.

  “Are you threatening me?”

  “Not at all.” Aahz said, showing his teeth again. “In fact, you can count on our silence and discretion. We will not mention this adventure or your role in it ever again, even amongst ourselves.”

  “Really?”

  “... For a price.”

  “I knew it.” Glenda said, rolling her eyes. “Perverts!”

  “That’s Per-vects,” I said, “and that little slip of the tongue is going to cost you extra.”

  Aahz positively beamed at me before turning his attention to Tananda.

  “Tananda, dear?” he said. “How would you like to accompany Glenda here home and settle the details of our agreement while Skeeve and I finish up here? The Bazaar is a much better atmosphere for negotiating. We’ll use the D-Hopper and catch up with you at Possiltum.”

  “Love to.” Tananda smiled. “Come along, sweetheart. We have a long talk ahead of us.”

  The two ladies stood close, and then disappeared with a soft BAMPF. Glenda hadn’t even bothe
red to say goodbye. I can’t say I was heartbroken.

  “I say, that was nice of you,” Bovine said. “You could have ruined her reputation.”

  “Her reputation?” Aahz snarled. “What do you think it would do to our reputations if it got out that we went through all this without anything to show for our efforts?”

  “That’s not necessarily the case, Aahz,” I said.

  “Oh really? We’re in a dimension with no money and we just turned all the gold to lead.” Aahz said. “I’m not seeing much profit in that.”

  “Well, there’s whatever Tananda shakes out of Glenda in return for our silence.”

  “That’s payment for what she did. Not for our efforts.”

  I turned to Count Bovine.

  “Check me on this.” I said. “The deal was that in return for our help, we could have as much treasure as we could carry. Treasure, not specifically gold. Gold was just the obvious choice. Right?”

  “That is correct,” Bovine said.

  “So how about one of the cow skulls from the energy room?”

  “A cow skull?” Aahz frowned.

  “Like, maybe, the one hanging on the wall with all the jewels on it?”

  “That old dust-catcher? Is it still around?” Bovine seemed genuinely surprised. “Certainly. That seems fair. If you’ll wait here a moment I’ll fetch it for you.” He headed off in the direction of the skull room.

  “You know, kid,” Aahz said draping an arm across my shoulders, “there are times you show real promise.”

  “It’s not much, but it’s something.” I said. “It seemed better that the other idea I had.”

  “What was that?”

  “Turning the lead back into gold. The thing is, I don’t know if anybody’s ever tried that before.”

  Aahz was silent for a few moments.

  “Apprentice,” he said finally, his voice heavy, “it occurs to me you still have a lot to learn about magik.”

  LIKE WILDFIRE, WORD spread throughout the land—from town to village, from peddler to peasant—that their once-idyllic kingdom was now under the control of a mighty magician who held the queen in thrall.