MA11-12 Myth-ion Improbable Something Myth-Inc

by Robert Asprin

  “Like I’ve been sayin’. The Boss...”

  “I know what you’ve been saying,” Spyder interrupts. “I also know you. Back in Basic, you pretty much ran the Bug Squad right under the nose of the Drill Instructor. When we got assigned to garrison duty and then the supply depot, you were still running things, and doing an excellent job of it. I know you can operate independently without playing ‘mother-may-I’ waiting for specific orders. So how come all of a sudden you’re dragging your feet? There’s got to be more to it than the chain of command. Heck, this whole expedition was your idea. So tell us what’s eating you and quit trying to hide behind procedures.”

  The trouble was she was dead-on right. I don’t mind stretchin’ the facts or obscurin’ the truth a bit in front of a jury or even, occasionally, my colleagues, but I hate gettin’ caught at it.

  I rubbed my jaw while I thought things through, then decided to come clean.

  “Okay, I’ll admit it,” I sez. “I’m pretty good when it comes to the rough and tumble stuff, but I’m a specialist. Nearly all of the work I’ve done has been in cities and towns workin’ against other individuals or gangs that are tryin’ to avoid public attention. That’s the kind of work I do. That’s the kind of work I’ve trained for. The idea of wanderin’ around the woods tryin’ to run down opposition of an undisclosed number and strength that know the territory like we don’t and aren’t adverse to shootin’ from hidin’ leaves me cold. In that situation, we’ll be as much out of our depth as the country bumpkins are when they come into the big city.”

  “What you’re trying to say is that you’re scared,” Spyder sez.

  I start to draw myself up to my considerable height, then just give a little shrug instead.

  “Okay. If that’s what you want to think, I’m scared.” I sez. “That doesn’t change the circumstantials of the situation.”

  “Pull in your claws, Spyder dear,” Pookie sez, comin’ to my defense. “Guido isn’t scared; he’s being a professional. Unlike some of the wannabe toughs you may have encountered in the past, Guido is the genuine article. He is tough, so he doesn’t have to work at trying to prove it... even when provoked.”

  Now I knew that, but it was nice to hear Pookie say the things I was naturally too modest to point out myself.

  “You see, there’s a difference between being scared and acknowledging a potentially dangerous situation,” Pookie continues. “Guido has raised a valid point here. We’re potentially walking into a fight where the enemy has all the cards. It’s worth thinking through before we commit ourselves.”

  “If the Boss says to do it, I’ll do it,” I sez with a shrug. “It won’t be the first time I’ve walked into bad odds with my eyes open. But I still say if there’s a good chance of us gettin’ whacked, we should pass along what we’ve found out so far first, so’s the next crew doesn’t have to start from scratch.”

  Spyder kinda sags a bit like somebody let the air out of her. All of a sudden, instead of lookin’ like a junior tough, she looks like a little kid that’s been told she can’t go to the party.

  “So we report back to the palace,” she says in a flat tone. “The wizard gets his information and there’s no more need for my services as a Royal Investigator. Sorry if I was pushing it there for a while, Guido. It’s just that I’ve been having so much fun, I guess I wanted to try to prolong it a little.”

  It becomes clear to me now what has been motivatin’ this big drive to continue the investigation. Spyder has been havin’ the time of her life hangin’ out with Pookie and me. Instead of bein’ a misfit and fightin’ every day just to be accepted, we’ve been treatin’ her like a favorite kid sister. Particularly Pookie, who has been givin’ her tips on everything from how to dress sexy to how to take out a couple of loudmouths without even mussin’ her hair.

  When this assignment is over, Pookie and I go back to workin’ with the rest of our usual crew, which as I have said before are all top-notch both as fighters and as friends. Spyder, on the other hand, would have to rejoin her unit in the Army, an existence which, as I can testify from first-hand experience, is drab at best. This is a fate I would not wish on my worst enemy, much less someone I have a fondness for as I do Spyder.

  Pookie catches my eye with a look that sez that her thoughts are runnin’ along similar lines.

  “Um, let’s go over this all once more,” I sez, stallin’ for time while I think. “Sure, I got my opinions, but I don’t like to think of myself as bein’ closed-minded. Maybe there’s something I’ve been overlookin’.”

  Spyder starts to roll her eyes, then realizes that I might be softening my position and tries to look attentive.

  “There are two different groups that we know of,” I sez.

  “That’s right,” Pookie sez, pickin’ up my cue. “The peek-a-boo crew in the Royal Game Preserve, and the clown in the costume.”

  I nod and start drumming my fingers thoughtfully.

  “Now, of the two, the forest guys are the bigger potential threat. The question is, is there any way we can do a little more snoopin’ around about them without actually goin’ into the woods after them?”

  “Didn’t the sergeant say something about a subdivision close to the forest?” Pookie sez.

  “Yeah. The Sherwood Arms,” I sez. “So?”

  “Well, what we seem to be confronted with is minor-league guerilla warfare,” Pookie sez. “According to most military experts, guerrillas can’t operate without popular, local support. Maybe we can pick up some information in that subdivision.”

  “I thought that they’d be living off the land,” Spyder sez. “I mean, there must be plenty of game in the Game Preserve.”

  “Uh-huh,” I sez. “Ever tried to actually eat wild game? It’s not bad for an occasional variation from one’s diet, but on a steady basis it’s pretty bad, unless you have someone cookin’ who really knows what they’re doing.”

  “Besides,” Pookie sez, “they’ve been swiping money from the tax collectors. You don’t need gold if you’re living off the land. It’s a good bet that they’re spending it somewhere. That subdivision seems like a logical choice.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” I sez. “Shakin’ down some locals for information is a lot more up my alley than tryin’ to play Sneaky Pete through a bunch of bushes and swamps. What do you think, Spyder?”

  “Whatever works for you guys,” she sez, tryin’ to sound casual. Pookie gives me a big wink so’s Spyder can’t see. I decide that not hurryin’ back to the palace isn’t such a bad idea after all.

  “YOU KNOW, IT’S been so long since I’ve been away from Perv, I had forgotten what a hoot it can be visiting other dimensions,” sez Pookie.

  As I mentioned before, I had gotten into the habit of tuning out the ladies’ conversations as we were travelin’, as they tended to make my head hurt, but that comment caught my attention.

  “What brings that to mind, Pookie?” I sez.

  “Oh, just things you don’t normally come across, like that... what did you call it again, Spyder?”

  “A porta-pottie,” sez Spyder.

  “See? That’s what I mean.”

  “What’s so strange about that?” sez Spyder.

  “Look around you, dear,” sez Pookie. “We’re surrounded by a wealth of bushes and trees. Why invent something like a porta-pottie?”

  “You can’t charge people for usin’ a bush or a tree,” I sez. Pookie is silent for several minutes before she responds.

  “You and your crew have been spending a lot of time at the Bazaar at Deva lately, haven’t you, Guido?” she sez finally.

  “That’s right,” I sez. “That’s where our headquarters are. So?”

  “Nothing,” Pookie sez, innocent-like. “It just explains a couple things is all.”

  During our travels, I have learned that it’s easier to get a straight answer ou
t of a lawyer what knows you are both monied and guilty than it is to get Pookie to elaborate once she starts bein’ evasive. As such I simply change the subject.

  “Realizin’ we are rapidly approachin’ our destination,” I sez, gesturing to the small clutter of buildings up ahead, “it might be a good idea if we got it straight as to what our modus operandi is goin’ to be once we get there.”

  “Could you give me a quick briefing on the general layout here, Guido?” Pookie sez, eyein’ the buildings. “What’s the deal with these ‘subdivisions’, anyway?”

  “It’s a fairly recent development,” I sez. “It used to be that people would move away from the small farmin’ communities for the excitement and culture, not to mention the economic opportunities, of the bigger cities. The problem was, as more and more people came to the cities, it got crowded and tended to draw what is politely referred to as ‘the rougher element’ who make their livin’s by separatin’ said citizens from the gains from said economic opportunities.

  “The solution, strange as it seems, is that those citizens who were successful enough to afford it retreated to areas midway between the cities and the farms. Developers bought up abandoned or strugglin’ farms, slapped up clusters of houses, and sold them to people who work in the city, but don’t want to live there. For the most part, the people we’ll be talkin’ to spend their days in the city workin’, then travel here to the subdivisions evenings to sleep and spend time with their families.

  “The older, better developed subdivisions, like the Sherwood Arms up ahead, have gotten large enough that they have their own cluster of small businesses providin’ food, services, and sometimes limited entertainment, so their residents don’t have to lug everything back from the city.”

  “So the folks in this subdivision think of themselves as ruthless, sophisticated city folk, but aren’t actually tough enough to handle the mean streets, eh?” Pookie sez.

  “That about sums it up,” I sez.

  “It that case,” Pookie sez, “would you mind letting me take the lead on our first interrogation?”

  “No problem,” I sez. “You got a plan?”

  “Nothing specific,” she sez. “I just thought it might give me a chance to demonstrate to Spyder here the effectiveness of applied femininity. Do you understand what I’m saying, dear?”

  “You’re going to hit someone,” Spyder sez dutifully.

  I barely manage to suppress a rude snicker. It is clear that civilizin’ Spyder is not a task easily accomplished. Even for someone as polished and tenacious as Pookie.

  “No, dear,” Pookie sez patiently. “Think carefully. Remember what we’ve been talking about in regards to subtlety?”

  Spyder frowns with the unaccustomed effort of thinking. Then her expression brightens.

  “You’re going to threaten to hit someone,” she sez brightly. This time my effort to suppress my reaction is less successful, and earns me a dirty look from Pookie.

  “No, dear. That’s Guido’s department,” she sez. “We’re ladies. Tell you what. Just watch what I do and we’ll talk about it later.”

  UNFORTUNATELY, my amusement with the situational did not last long. In fact, it dropped radically as soon as Pookie began her preparations.

  Mostly, this consisted of using disguise spells to alter the appearances of both Spyder and myself. She said this was to make us look less intimidatin’ so people would be more inclined to talk. I think she was usin’ the opportunity to exact a little revenge on us, as she maintained the same appearance she had when we was dealin’ with the soldier types, and, if you’ll recall, that was not exactly demure and unassumin’.

  She let Spyder keep her new ‘hot babe’ look, but changed her outfit so it was no longer even a modified army uniform. Even so, the new civilian outfit was considerably less peek-a-boo provocative than it had been.

  The real axe job she saved for me.

  Now, I cannot argue with her basic logic, as there is no doubt that my normal appearance is both noticeable and awe-inspirin’ and played no small part in my career choice. I mean, Mob enforcers tend to come in one of two body types: either the big and wide man-mountain model like Nunzio and myself; or the skinny, fast, and nasty knife-man model like Snake. Either style has the marked advantage of makin’ regular folks want to cooperate with you without contestin’ whether or not you are actually capable of uppin’ the ante if they decide to be difficult. It was therefore understandable that she felt it necessary to lessen the impact of the visual impression I normally make on the uninitiated.

  I do, however, think she went a bit overboard on said lessenin’. First, she knocked about a third off me, both in height and in girth. Then she took my normally spiffy outfit and changed it to a drab overall kind of rig than hung on my “new body” like a coat draped over a small chair. The buck teeth were a totally unnecessary touch, as I did not plan on smilin’ much while lookin’ like this.

  “That should just about do it,” Pookie sez with a grin, steppin’ back to survey me like an artist viewin’ a still-damp canvas. “Just remember to keep your weapons out of sight unless we’re actually attacked.”

  This last I figure was a bit of self-protection on her part, because the way I was feelin’ after havin’ viewed my new appearance, there was no doubt in my mind as to who my prime target would be if I should happen to decide to abandon my preferred peace-lovin’ manner.

  “Everybody ready?” she sez finally. “Spyder? Guido?”

  “It’s your show,” I sez with a shrug.

  “All right. Just stay close and follow my lead.”

  We tags along as she ambles into the scattered groupin’ of small businesses that seems to mark the hub of the subdivision. There is only a handful of people wanderin’ about, and most of them seem to be of the housewife variety. In no time flat, however, she has singled out her first target. He is a lanky string-bean sort with fiery red hair. More notably to the practiced eye, his clothes are several notches more expensive than anyone else’s who is immediately visible.

  “Excuse me? Sir?” Pookie sez, hailin’ him.

  He glances around a couple times to be sure she is addressin’ him, then comes over to where we are standin’.

  “Yes, Miss? Can I be of assistance?” he sez.

  Definitely an educated type.

  “I certainly hope so,” Pookie sez, givin’ him her best smile. “Do you live around here?”

  “As a matter of fact, I do,” he sez, givin’ the smile right back to her.

  “Then maybe you can help us. You see, my associates and I have just arrived in your charming community and don’t really know our way around. The thing is, we’re supposed to be conducting a sort of a survey, and we don’t have the foggiest of where to start.”

  “A survey? How fascinating.”

  As this exchange is goin’ on the two of them are givin’ each other the once over. Also the twice and three-times-over if you is actually countin’. Neither seems particularly disappointed with what they are seein’.

  “Anyway, I was just saying to my assistants... Forgive me. My name is Pookie. And you are...?”

  “Will.”

  “Pleased to meet you, Will. You see, I was thinking that if we had the help of someone who really knew the area, we could get our job done in no time at all. That would free us up to explore whatever entertainment the local nightlife has to offer. Of course, you’d be welcome to join me... us... if you agree to help, that is.”

  She is layin’ it on pretty thick, but the yokel is eatin’ it up with a spoon and droolin’ for more.

  “It just so happens that I have the afternoon free... and the evening,” he sez, his smile gettin’ even wider. “What kind of a survey are you conducting?”

  “We’re just trying to find out what the local opinion is of the freedom fighters operating out of the Royal Game Preserve,” Pookie s
ez.

  All of a sudden, Will is not smilin’.

  “Freedom fighters?” he sez.

  “You know,” Pookie sez with a wink, “the ones who have been running the tax vultures around in circles lately?”

  The guy is now literally backin’ away from her.

  “I’ve never even heard of them,” he sez. “No, ma’am. No knowledge at all. In fact, I don’t think I’ll be able to help you after all. Now, if you’ll excuse me?”

  “Maybe you can join us later?” Pookie sez, still tryin’.

  “It occurs to me that probably wouldn’t be such a good idea,” he sez. “People might get the wrong impression if we were seen together. You see, I’m married.”

  “I don’t mind,” Pookie sez. “Besides, marriage isn’t anything a good lawyer can’t fix.”

  “Lady, I am a lawyer,” he sez. “And I’ve never fixed... I ever heard... Goodbye.”

  With that he turns on his heel and leaves, almost runnin’ in his haste to put distance between him and us as we watch his retreat in bewildered silence.

  “Well, that was instructive,” Spyder sez.

  “Ease up, Spyder,” I sez before Pookie can go after her. “Tell me, Pookie, is it just me or was there something strange with the way that scene played?”

  “Definitely something wrong there,” Pookie sez, frownin’. “I could have sworn I had him hooked solid. Oh well, let me give it another try.”

  The next guy she runs her routine on is a big, athletic-lookin’ individual named John we find loading one of those porta-potties onto a wagon. Unfortunately, it’s almost identical to what happened with Will, only without the polished language. John is all enthusiastic until she mentions the guys in the forest, then he practically tramples us makin’ his getaway. As it turns out, John is also a married man.

  “Either married men are a lot different in this dimension, or this is a very strange community,” Pookie sez, her frustration startin’ to show.