MA11-12 Myth-ion Improbable Something Myth-Inc

by Robert Asprin

  “I know what you mean, cousin,” I sez, quiet-like. “The trouble is, I don’t see as where we have a lot of options right now. I mean, what can we do? If we ignore this assignment, then we’re goin’ against a direct order. If we try to alert the rest of the team as to what’s goin’ on with Skeeve, then we’re goin’ against his direct orders to keep it a secret. Besides, I’ve got a hunch that they already know how close Skeeve is to losin’ it. Most of them have known him better and for a lot longer than we have.”

  We look at each other in silence for a few moments.

  “I guess that brings us to my original question,” Nunzio sez with a sigh. “What are we gonna do?”

  “What we always do,” I sez. “We’re gonna follow orders. Of course, if we clear up a few of the Boss’s other problems at the same time, that’ll just be a bonus. Right?”

  “That sounds like you’ve got an idea, cuz,” Nunzio sez, cockin’ an eyebrow at me.

  “As a matter of fact, I do,” I sez, showin’ a few extra teeth in a smile. “When it comes to passin’ money back to the populace, I think I know just the crew to help us. The fact that they’re currently on our list as problem children just makes it all the sweeter.”

  I manage to appear confident enough that by the time I get done outlinin’ what I have in mind, Nunzio is smilin’, too.

  What I manage to keep hidden from him is my real worry about the current situation. However it all comes out in the end, my readin’ of this convoluted job and the effect it’s havin’ on Skeeve and the rest of the team is that we’ll never again be able to get back to how we were before.

  “YOU’RE SURE ABOUT this?” I sez, starin’ at the sporting goods shop.

  “As sure as one can be about anything without a full confession,” Pookie sez.

  It occurs to me that I could tell her a thing or two about confessions, but I let it pass. Such discussions would only confuse the issues at hand.

  We were back at the Sherwood Arms subdivision, where Nunzio and I caught up with Pookie, Spyder, and Chumley. While I couldn’t tell them the exact nature of our assignment from the Boss, I felt it was necessary to let them know we was in the area, just so’s we didn’t look suspicious if we ran into them by accident. All I said was things was heatin’ up back at the palace, and that it would be best if we could conclude our business with the bandits in the forest ASAP so’s we could get back and give the Boss our undivided attention. Chumley gave me a bit of the fish-eye, but Pookie and Spyder bought the explanation without question.

  As it turned out, however, they had developed a solid lead on the bandits.

  “Tell me again how you figured this out,” I sez.

  “Actually, it was Spyder who came up with it,” Pookie sez. “Why don’t you explain it, little sister?”

  “It was nothing, really,” Spyder sez. “I got to thinking about the fact that they were attacking the tax collectors with bows. Unless you’re real good with one of those things, that means a lot of arrows, and unless you’re big on making the things yourself, that means a supply source. Remember how many crossbow bolts we had on stock when we were running the supply depot?”

  I just nodded and gestured for her to continue.

  “Well, I did a little checking around, and it seems the only place that stocks arrows in quantity in these parts is that shop you were in the first time we were here.”

  “That would explain why that guy was so closed-mouthed when you leaned on him, Guido,” Pookie put in. “If he’s making money supplying the bandits, the last thing he would want would be for us to shut them down.”

  “There’s more to it than that,” Spyder sez. “We’ve been keeping a watch on the place and there’s about half a dozen guys who are in and out of there all the time. They aren’t purchasing or delivering anything. It’s like they’re meeting or getting assignments or something.”

  “You’re sure they haven’t spotted you staking the place out?” Nunzio sez.

  “Not a chance, old boy,” Chumley puts in. “We’ve been taking turns and using disguise spells to alter our appearance. They’re blissfully ignorant that we’re onto them.”

  “They got any kind of a schedule on these meetin’s?” I sez.

  “Nothing regular,” Pookie sez. “But there’s a bunch of them in there right now.”

  That’s all I need to hear.

  “Well, Nunzio,” I sez, settling my weapons on my belt, “let’s you and me wander over there and have a little chat with them.”

  “You want some help or any kind of disguises?” Pookie sez.

  “I think we’ll play this as a come-as-you-are party,” I sez. “The rest of you stay out of sight for now. If our play doesn’t work, it’ll be your turn next.”

  “Are you sure this is such a good idea? Us taking them on with just the two of us?” Nunzio sez to me under his breath as we cross the street.

  “It may not be the best play,” I sez, “but it’s the only way we can play it without lettin’ the others know about the orders we got from the Boss.”

  “When he told us to give away the gold, I don’t think he meant we should have people take it off our corpses,” Nunzio points out.

  “Relax, cousin,” I sez. “You’ll see. This is strictly amateur hour. These suburb guys are even softer than the city-street types we’re used to leanin’ on. Just run the standard hard stare on ‘em and we shouldn’t have any problems. Here we go.”

  Now, there are two ways of flexin’ one’s muscles when bracin’ a person or place: Hard, and soft. The first time I hit this place with Pookie and Spyder, we was usin’ the ‘soft’ technique. That is, we talked soft, smiled a lot, and handled things gentle, all of which emphasized the fact that we could have been a lot rougher if we chose.

  Now, I figured it was time to use the ‘hard’ approach.

  Standin’ in front of the door, I take a deep breath, then raise my arms and slap it hard with both hands. Said door responded by flyin’ open noisily. (The fact that it stayed on its hinges is a tribute to its solid construction rather than an indication that I’m losin’ my strength.) Before the sound dies away, I walk through the resultin’ openin’ with Nunzio crowdin’ close behind me.

  If there is any doubt in my mind as to whether Pookie is correct in her deductions, it is dispelled by the reactions of the guys inside. The whole group freezes in place, and in general look about as guilty as gamblers in a protected bookie joint when an unbought cop walks in.

  The guy I talked to on my first visit is behind the counter, and I fix him with a hard stare.

  “Remember me?” I sez.

  “Umm... Sure. You’re the guy who in here before with a couple... friends. Right?” he stammers.

  “Close, but no cigar,” I sez, makin’ my way slowly up to the assemblage. “I’m the guy you was gonna find out some information for. Information about the bandits in the forest. Ring a bell?”

  “Umm... We’ll be going now, Robb,” one of the guys in the shop sez, edgin’ toward the door.

  “I don’t think so,” I sez. “Nunzio!”

  “Got ‘em, Guido,” my cousin sez, leanin’ in the doorway.

  The group of guys looks at him, then take up a position as far as they can get from either Nunzio or myself.

  I turn back to the guy behind the counter. “You was about to say?”

  “Uh... Of course,” he sez, backin’ away from the counter. “I’ve done some asking around, and...”

  “From what I’ve heard, you wouldn’t have had to ask too far now, would you?” I sez, leanin’ on the counter and showin’ a few teeth. “Like, no farther than who’s standin’ in this shop right now. Am I right?”

  “Well... um...” the guy stammers.

  I hold up a hand to silence him.

  “Before you say anythin’,” I sez. “Let’s be sure we understand each othe
r. Now, by this time you have figured out that, in our line of work, my colleague and I occasionally have to hurt people. Right?”

  He nods vigorously.

  “That’s part of the job, and we do it. Nothin’ personal.” I lean in a little closer. “If, however, said hurtee has insulted my intelligence by lyin’ to me, then it makes me mad and I do take it personally. Know what I mean?”

  The guy swallows hard, then nods again.

  “Now, keepin’ that in mind, let’s continue the conversation. I was sayin’ that you wouldn’t have to ask further than the guys here in the shop to get information about the bandits in the forest, and you was about to agree. Right?”

  The guy looks at his friends, then he looks at Nunzio and me, then drops his eyes and nods.

  “I didn’t quite hear that,” I sez.

  The guy nods more vigorously.

  I look over at Nunzio, who kind of shrugs helplessly.

  This could take a while. Unfortunately, we don’t have whole bunches of time. If we don’t settle this quick, the other team members are gonna come lookin’ for us.

  “Tell you what... Robb, is it?” I sez. “What say I just tell you what’s been goin’ on, and you just point out any parts that I get wrong. Okay?”

  Again, the weak nod.

  “First off, we know you and your buddies here are involved with the bandits,” I sez. “Whether this here is the whole gang or you’re just a part of it doesn’t matter right now. For our purposes, you’re it. Right?”

  Swallow and nod.

  “What’s more,” I sez, “the way we’ got it figured, you’ve been usin’ part of the loot to pay off the locals hereabouts so they’ll cover for you.”

  “No we haven’t,” the guy sez, finally findin’ his voice.

  “Excuse me?” I sez, cockin’ an eyebrow at him.

  “Paying off the locals, I mean,” he sez, quick like. “I won’t say it isn’t a good idea, but it never occurred to us. We’ve been keeping it all.”

  This presents a problem. I mean, our whole idea of lookin’ these jokers up is to use them to redistribute the Boss’s gold. Clearly I am gonna have to think of a way to revise our plan whilst in mid-negotiation.

  “Whatever,” I sez. “Now, what we’re lookin’ for here is a plan so’s we can all eat out of the same bowl. Like, say, maybe we finance your operation in exchange for a small percentage of the take.”

  “Don’t do it, Robb.”

  The guy now talkin’ is a skinny red-headed dude who is suddenly lookin’ very serious instead of scared.

  “Why not, Will?” sez Robb. “It could be the perfect solution to our... predicament.”

  “It would be putting our head in a noose,” the redhead sez. “So far, all they have is hearsay. If we accept money from them, then it’s a clear admission of what we’re doing, and they’ll have grounds to arrest us. If we try to say that we were just kidding, then they can nail us for fraud. Either way, taking their money would be a bad idea.”

  It occurs to me that this guy is soundin’ a lot like a lawyer, which is a whole different sub-species of bandit than the type I had been figurin’ on dealin’ with.

  “And what about the Game Preserve?” puts in another of the group.

  “What about it?” I sez, now thoroughly confused.

  “You know, the plans to sell the Royal Game Preserve off to the lumber companies,” he sez.

  “What plans?” I sez. “You know anything about this, Nunzio?”

  “It’s news to me,” Nunzio sez. “Sounds like the kind of thing that Grimble would come up with, though. Odds are the Boss doesn’t even know about it, what with all the stuff they’ve been having him sign.”

  “There! You see! I knew it!” the red-head chimes in. “These guys are working for the kingdom. This whole act has been nothing but a sting operation. It’s a clear case of entrapment.”

  This meetin’ has gotten completely out of control. It comes to me that there is only one way out of this mess.

  “Shaddup, alla youse!” I bellow.

  Everybody freezes and looks at me.

  “I am hereby declarin’ all of youse to be members of the Sherwood Arms Grievance Committee. What’s more,” I pause to give them all a smile, “your first duty is to accompany us back to the Royal Palace so’s you can present your problems to the Boss ... I mean, the Great Skeeve personally.”

  SURPRISINGLY ENOUGH, the trip back to the palace is extremely pleasant.

  We have allowed the Sherwood Arms delegation to keep their bows, just to prove to them that they are not bein’ arrested, and once they loosen up, they prove to be the nicest travelin’ companions one could ask for. They are always chatterin’ back and forth with jokes and stories about their huntin’ trips and life in the suburbs, and one of them is actually some sort of entertainer who fills in the low spots with songs and stand-up comedy routines.

  Then, too, there is the ongoin’ archery contest. From the get-go, they are fascinated by the custom mini-crossbows that Nunzio and I are carryin’, which in no time develops into a shootin’ match, with us pickin’ targets at random on the road ahead to aim at as we walk. This is really no contest at all, as Nunzio and I can easily outshoot any of them, even when we rigs the match a bit by shootin’ first so that by the time they take their turn, the targets are considerably closer. Finally, we end up passin’ our weapons to Spyder and Pookie, but even then the match is one-sided. Once they get the hang of the hair-triggers, they are also makin’ the delegates look bad. Fortunately, the Sherwood boys don’t take offense at this. In fact, they take to cheerin’ the good shots and needlin’ each other when they miss.

  “I say, old boy,” Chumley sez, fallin’ in step with me as we walk. He, like Pookie, is still usin’ a disguise spell to make him look like a local so as not to spook our guests. “Do you really think this is such a good idea? I mean, the whole point of this exercise has been to investigate and handle the situation without bothering Skeeve. Now, we’re effectively bringing it back and dumping it in his lap unannounced.”

  This question, and variations on it, has been the most popular subject of conversation among the team since I decided to bring the bandits back to the palace to meet the Boss. Every one of them, as we were travelin’, has pulled me aside out of earshot of the delegation to ask, in varyin’ degrees of politeness, if I know what I am doin’.

  “I figure it’s our best shot to straighten out this mess,” I sez. “These boys have it in their head that the Boss is some kind of power-mad monster who’s out to take the kingdom away from the Queen. Now, you know the Boss. Do you really think that anyone can talk to him for more than a few minutes and still keep that impression?”

  “He’s likeable enough, all right,” Chumley sez. “But he can have a bit of a temper, too. I just hope we catch him in a good mood. Oh well. I guess we’re committed now. We’ll just have to muddle through somehow.”

  This is not exactly the enthusiastic vote of confidence I had been hopin’ for from Chumley. He is probably the most level-headed member of our team, despite his bein’ a Troll, and his worries do nothin’ toward givin’ me peace of mind.

  “Okay, cuz,” Nunzio sez, slidin’ into Chumley’s place as that notable drops back to talk to Pookie. “Now that we’re almost there, how do you figure we should play this, exactly?”

  We are makin’ our final approach to the palace, so the time for analyzin’ and plannin’ is over. It’s now time to settle on specifics.

  “I figure we take them into the courtyard,” I sez. “Then, you and the others hold ‘em there and keep them amused while I hunt up the Boss. I’ll give him a quick run-down on what’s happenin’, then bring him out to meet the delegates.”

  “You’re gonna explain all this to the Boss?” he sez, raisin’ an eyebrow. “Are you sure you don’t want me to handle that little task?”


  “It’s nice of you to offer, cuz,” I sez. “But I figure this is my job. I know you’re better at talkin’ and explainin’ than I am, but this whole investigation, and particularly bringin’ the delegation to the palace, was my idea. If the Boss is gonna blow his stack and take it out on someone, it should be me.”

  “Okay,” he sez with a sigh, clappin’ a hand on my shoulder. “I just hope you know what you’re doing.”

  The repetition of this theme is startin’ to get on my nerves. You see, I don’t really know what I’m doin’. I’ve just come up with what I think is the best solution and am keepin’ my fingers crossed. Now, as we are enterin’ the passage to the courtyard, I am feelin’ less and less confident that this is a good idea.

  “So, Guido,” Robb sez, edgin’ up to me. “What are we supposed to say to the Skeeve, anyway? I mean, I don’t think any of us have actually met a real magician before. Is there any kind of protocol we should follow?”

  “Just relax and be yourselves,” I sez. “At first, let Nunzio and me do most of the talkin’. Then just talk to him like you would anybody else.”

  “Is there any kind of special way we should address him? Like ‘Your Greatness’ or anything?”

  “You aren’t listenin’ to me, Robb,” I sez, gettin’ a little exasperated. “The Boss is a nice guy. In fact, he’s younger than you are. All you have to do is...”

  “Hey Guido! What’s up?”

  I look up to find Aahz wavin’ and walkin’ towards us across the courtyard.

  I start to wave back, then realize that Robb is startin’ to fumble with his bow.

  “What are you doin’?” I sez.

  “That’s a demon!” Robb sez, his eyes all wild-like.