MA11-12 Myth-ion Improbable Something Myth-Inc

by Robert Asprin

  All in all, it was a festive gathering, and I found I was content to stand quietly against a wall, leisurely sipping at some wine and watching the goings-on. Occasionally someone would wander up and chat for a few moments, but for the most part I was left to the role of interested observer. The main focus of attention was elsewhere, and I was just as glad to be simply a minor player.

  “It is kind of nice not to be center stage for a change, isn’t it?” I glanced over to find Queen Hemlock leaning against the wall next to me. It was a testimony to how raucous things were that she could walk around the crowd virtually unnoticed.

  “Funny,” I smiled. “I was just thinking much the same thing.”

  “It was a lovely ceremony, wasn’t it?” she said. “Are you sure you don’t want to change your mind? About me and you, I mean.”

  Not that long ago, that suggestion would have thrown me into a blind panic. As a matter of fact, not that long ago, it did. Now, however, I simply favored her with a sad smile.

  “Come now, your Majesty,” I said. “I think we’ve gone over all that before.”

  “I know,” she said with a grin. “But you can’t blame a girl for trying.”

  “It was a nice ceremony, though,” I said. “Even though I must admit that I’m glad Massha didn’t have to entertain.”

  “Entertain?” the Queen said, cocking her head to one side. “Whatever are you talking about?”

  I explained to her the comments I had overheard during the ceremony.

  “Oh, really?” she said, her voice suddenly dropping several degrees. “Do me a favor, Lord Skeeve. If you should happen to see any of those people here at the reception, would you be so good as to point them out to me?”

  “Um... sure,” I said. “But why? ...If you don’t mind my asking.”

  “Let’s just say that I’ve grown very fond of Massha while we were planning this little shindig together,” Queen Hemlock smiled. “Oh, by the way. I’ve been thinking over your idea, and the more I think about it, the more I like it.”

  I had made the suggestion to her that, since the M.Y.T.H., Inc. crew would be moving on soon, she might want to consider offering the post of Royal Magician to Massha.

  I was about to say something in return, but she suddenly held up a hand.

  “Whoops! Gotta go now,” she said. “They’re about to throw the bridal bouquet. Don’t want to miss out on the brawl.”

  With that, she moved back into the crowd, not exactly running, but certainly moving faster than her normal queenly glide.

  What happened next was as fascinating as it was puzzling. Massha gathered together a fair-sized crowd of young women, including Bunny, Tananda, and Queen Hemlock. Then she deliberately turned her back on them, and tossed the bouquet of flowers she had been carrying back over her head into their midst. The ensuing scramble was not for the weak of heart.

  What I couldn’t understand was, with all the flowers adorning the courtyard and tables, why they couldn’t just each take some instead of brawling over this particular bundle.

  “I’ve faced armies and I’ve faced demons,” came a voice from beside me, “but I’d resign my commission before I’d voluntarily wade into that cat-fight.”

  “Hello, General,” I said, smiling at him. “You might want to consider recruiting some of them into the Army. I’ll have to agree with you... they’re terrifying.”

  “If we could get them to stop fighting each other long enough to aim them at the enemy, it might be worth considering,” he laughed back. “And by the way, I thought we had agreed it was ‘Hugh,’ not ‘General,’ when we talked together.”

  “Sorry, Hugh,” I said. “Old habits are hard to break. By the way, in case it got lost in the madness, my heartiest congratulations to you both.”

  “And my thanks to you, Lord Skeeve,” he said, giving a half bow. “We owe you much... as individuals, as a couple, and as a kingdom.”

  “I just did what I could.” I shrugged. “I just wish I hadn’t been so clumsy about it all.”

  “Actually,” Hugh said, “I was referring to the last several years in their entirety. Still, I see the subject is making you uncomfortable, so I’ll let it drop. Friends should not make each other uncomfortable on occasions such as these.”

  “As a matter of fact, I’m more comfortable than I can recall ever being before,” I said. “But the thought is appreciated, anyway.”

  “There you are! C’mere, Hot Stuff!”

  Massha had come surging out of the crowd to sweep me into a gargantuan hug.

  “Oh, Skeeve,” she whispered, her voice much softer than her usual boisterous self. “Thank you so much. For everything. I’ve never been so... oh, here I go again.”

  She hid her face on my shoulder as tears started to leak from her eyes.

  Hugh looked at me over her shoulder and winked.

  “Come, my dear,” he said gently, putting a hand on her back.

  “We mustn’t neglect our guests. They’re expecting us to lead off the dancing.”

  “That’s right,” she said, straightening and dabbing at her eyes. “Don’t go away, Skeeve. We want to share a drink with you before all this breaks up.”

  I watched as they made their way back into the crowd, and realized I was smiling.

  They were both so happy they glowed. They had settled on what they wanted to do and then gone ahead and done it. No apologies, no trying to work it around other people’s opinions.

  Well, the truth of the matter was that I was happy now, too. Aahz’s suggestion had been right on the money. My vacation had given me the time I needed to straighten out my head and review my options. After all these years, I knew what I wanted to do.

  Now it was just a matter of letting the team know at the M.Y.T.H., Inc. staff meeting tomorrow.

  “So, when are the fireworks going to start?” a harsh voice demanded, interrupting my reverie.

  I looked up to find a rather hefty young lady confronting me, hands on her hips and scowling.

  “Fireworks?” I said. “I don’t think anyone is going to get into a fight here... unless you count that melee for the flowers a few minutes ago.”

  “No, I mean sky-rockets and stuff,” she said. “Gandalf was famous for his fireworks displays any time he attended a party.”

  “I don’t believe I’ve met the gentleman,” I said. “As far as skyrockets go, however, I don’t believe there are any planned.”

  “I guess Robb was right,” she said, pursing her lips. “You really aren’t much of a magician, are you?”

  This lady was starting to annoy me, but, keeping with the spirit of the occasion, I tried to be polite.

  “Robb?” I said, ignoring her comment about my abilities. “The gentleman from Sherwood Arms?”

  “That’s right,” she said. “We got to talking with him at the Tiki Lounge, and he insisted that we didn’t have to worry about you as a force of evil, much less do anything about you.”

  “That’s reassuring,” I said drily.

  “That being the case, I guess I should give this back to you.” Fumbling with her belt pouch, she fished out a small, cloth-wrapped bundle and thrust it at me.

  “What is it?” I said, deliberately not reaching for it.

  “It’s the ring that sort of disappeared from your room,” she said with a shrug. “Finger and all. It’s just a little purple from us dropping it in Volcanos.”

  For a change, I knew exactly what to do... and what not to do.

  What I didn’t do was ask for a clarification or accept the ring.

  “Actually,” I said carefully, “it’s not mine. It really belongs to the Queen.”

  “The Queen?”

  “Yes. Queen Hemlock. That’s her right over there,” I said, pointing. “I think it would be better if you returned it to her personally. I’m sure she’ll want
to reward you properly.”

  “If you say so,” she said. “Thanks for the tip.”

  With that, she turned on her heel and went marching off to confront the Queen.

  I ran a hand across my face, hiding my smile. Yes indeed. This party was just getting better and better.

  Just then, I noticed that Don Bruce was standing nearby by himself. Catching his eye, I left my wall to join him.

  There were a couple of things I wanted to go over with him before tomorrow’s meeting.

  EVERYONE WAS IN attendance when I walked into the meeting.

  Aahz was at his familiar perch in the window. Guido and Nunzio were holding down one end of the table, and Chumley and Tananda were seated next to them. Bunny was sitting a few chairs away, slightly apart from the rest of the group, her pad out and ready to take notes. The only one missing was Massha, but, under the circumstances, that was understandable. Besides, she had already told us she was resigning from M.Y.T.H., Inc., and this was a planning session for the future.

  Prior to and just after the wedding, I had had a chance to speak with a few of the team, but not all of them and not in detail. As such, there was an air of expectancy in the room. Everyone knew something was up, but nobody was sure exactly what.

  I took the seat at the head of the table, and for a few moments just scanned the room, looking each of them in the eye one at a time.

  “Any way you look at it,” I said finally, “it’s been quite an assignment.”

  There were smiles and grimaces at that.

  “What’s more, it wasn’t even a paid job. Oh, we eventually showed a healthy profit,” I nodded pointedly at Aahz, “but, if you’ll recall, it started out as a freebie. Specifically, I was worried about what Queen Hemlock was doing here in Possiltum but felt I had to travel to Perv to square things away with Aahz. Consequently, I asked the team to pinch hit for me. Again, not a job. Just a favor for me.”

  “Those investigations ending up being an assortment of exercises, placing everyone under stress and, in some cases, physical danger. Still, by the time we arrived here, things were pretty much in hand.

  “When we got back, however, we discovered what Queen Hemlock really had in mind. Again, the whole thing with her proposal of marriage, as well as trying to straighten out the kingdom’s finances, was essentially my problem. Still, the team pitched in, helping me out on all levels—including some I didn’t know about at the time—and, as per usual, we fought and conned our way though it all.”

  There were some smiles swapped back and forth, but I noticed there were also those who were watching me carefully.

  “On another level, however,” I said, “this assignment has raised some questions in my mind. One of them, in particular, has been distracting me through this while thing. It’s affected my judgment and performance, and placed the rest of you in the position of having to work around me... or, in some instances, behind my back. That question is: What do I want?”

  I glanced over at Aahz and inclined my head slightly.

  “As my partner and mentor told me, that isn’t a question anyone else can answer for me. It’s something I had to work out for myself. So, during our break before Massha’s wedding, I spent some time by myself addressing that specific question. It took a lot of thought, but I have finally come up with an answer.”

  I took a deep breath and thought for a moment. Now that I had arrived at my reason for calling the meeting, I found myself strangely reluctant to verbalize it.

  “When I first took up with Aahz,” I said, “my old magik teacher had been killed and we had a couple assassins on our trail. Practicing magik then was mostly a matter of survival.

  “When that was done, Aahz kept up my lessons, but it still seemed to be one situation after another. If it wasn’t a matter of helping out one of our friends, then it was following our endless quest for financial stability.

  “Eventually, it evolved into what we have now: M.Y.T.H. Inc. That started out as a simple matter of pooling our talents for mutual support and improved marketing, and has become successful far beyond our initial expectations.”

  I paused and looked around the assemblage.

  “I can’t speak for the rest of you, but I, personally, have accumulated more money than I ever expected to see, and probably more than I could spend in two lifetimes. While Aahz may insist there is no such thing as enough money, I think there comes a point where accumulating more wealth becomes simply a habitual exercise rather than an actual need.”

  I gave a little shake of my head.

  “As for the work itself, for a long time now what’s been keeping me going is my own exaggerated sense of responsibility. In hindsight, it isn’t really surprising. Until I took up learning and practicing magik, I was a nobody that no one depended on or looked to for help. From that start, I was catapulted into the limelight. Suddenly I could make a difference, or people expected me to make a difference, and I got caught up in being needed. Our clients needed me. The kingdom needed me. Most of all, the team needed me, and I was bound and determined not to let them down if it was at all within my power.”

  I gave a little laugh.

  “Of course, it eventually came to light that my friends were working overtime to help me. That they would see me, in my zeal, bite off more than I could chew and would pitch in to give me moral, physical, and magikal support in whatever I had set my sights on. All in all, it’s become more than a little circular.

  “Well, as I said a moment ago, I’ve given it a lot of thought, and have decided what I want to do, what I think will make me happy. I want to study magik. Seriously. Not slap-dash picking up tidbits on the fly while we’re adventuring, but conscientious, organized study.

  “I’ve spoken with Aahz, and he’s sure I can arrange for correspondence schooling from MIP, his old alma mater on Perv. What’s more, I’ve arranged for a house here on Klah for my studies. Actually, it’s an old inn and tavern where Aahz and I were holed up for awhile before we hired on here in Possiltum and eventually moved to the Bazaar. It’s off the beaten path, so there should be minimal distractions, but there’s plenty of room if anyone drops by to visit.”

  I paused, and took a deep breath.

  “As you’ve probably guessed, this will require my stepping down from being Chairman of the Board for M.Y.T.H. Inc., and retiring from being an active member of the team. It wasn’t an easy decision to make; in fact, it’s probably the hardest decision I’ve had to make in my life. Still, it’s what I think will make me happiest, and I’ve got to give it a try. I can only hope you’ll all wish me the best of luck, and stay in touch.”

  I paused for a moment to give it a chance to sink in.

  “Now, this is supposed to be a planning session for the directions M.Y.T.H. Inc. will go next. Obviously, my retirement will have an effect on those plans. Probably one of the first things to discuss is whether or not you want to keep the corporation going at all.”

  I glanced over at Guido and Nunzio.

  “I had a long talk with Don Bruce at the wedding reception yesterday. While he wasn’t wild about my stepping down, he’s agreed to go along with whatever decisions you come up with today. M.Y.T.H. Inc. can continue to represent the Mob’s interests on Deva or step back, whereupon he will try to find other representatives. As for Guido and Nunzio, whom he originally assigned to me as bodyguards, he is giving them the choice of continuing their work with M.Y.T.H. Inc. or returning to the Mob for reassignment.”

  I looked over at Bunny and smiled.

  “I have asked Bunny to accompany me in my new endeavors as my personal secretary and assistant. She hasn’t given me her answer yet, but it may be affected by how this meeting goes.”

  I shifted my gaze to the remaining three team members.

  “Aahz, Tananda, and Chumley all had other things going for them before they met me and we eventually formed the corpor
ation. Again, I figure it is up to them if they want to continue working with M.Y.T.H. Inc. or strike out on their own.”

  I paused to collect my thoughts. This was turning out to be even harder to say than I had anticipated.

  “This meeting is to discuss the future of M.Y.T.H. Inc., and since my resignation means I will not be a part of it, I feel it’s only fair that I not be included in that discussion. If nothing else, there might be some things you want to say that would be hard to say in front of me.

  “While I’ll want to have a drink or five with all of you and say my goodbyes before I leave for my new home, right now you have a lot to discuss. As such, I guess it’s time for me to excuse myself from the meeting and let you get on with business.”

  I started to get up, but Aahz uncoiled from his window and held up a restraining hand.

  “Before you go, partner, I think we can spare a few minutes more before we start the meeting. There’s something that should be said, and I guess I’m the logical person to say it.”

  I settled back into my chair.

  Aahz stood looking at me for a moment before he spoke.

  “Skeeve,” he said finally, “we’ve all been through a lot together over the last several years. We’ve fought together, bled together, drank together, and conned the customers together. We’ve argued and gotten upset with each other, but when the chips were down, we were always a team. You have a habit of putting yourself down, but you assembled this team. You’ve given it leadership, and you’ve given it heart. We’ll respect your decision to step down, but before you leave the meeting, give us a chance to say ‘Thank you’ for all you’ve done for us.”

  With that, he started clapping. The rest of the team was close behind him, rising to their feet and applauding me, some smiling, some crying, but all looking at me with love and affection in their eyes.

  I was both surprised and overwhelmed with a wave of emotion.

  “Thank you,” I managed. “Thank you all.”

  Blinking back tears, I got up and left, walking out of my past and into my future.