Seeking Solace

by Chelsea Camaron

  I sat and held the envelope against my chest.

  I let my mind wonder.

  Would he be proud of me?

  Would he find me beautiful?

  If he hadn’t taken his life, would we be together? As much as I told myself my feelings for him were wrong, I couldn’t help but still find love and respect for the man, even now all these years later. I still hadn’t worked through all of my grief.

  I loved Shawn.

  I loved the life I had with him.

  But was this the life Giano wanted for me? I didn’t know and the answer to that may lie inside this envelope. I just wasn’t sure I was strong enough to face it.

  I sat in place, my wedding gown on, my hair and makeup perfect and I was lost once again.

  Would I find the peace I sought in this letter? The solace I sought would it be found?

  Carefully, I lifted the flap and removed the contents. Another envelope fell onto my lap, the handwriting unfamiliar.

  I lifted the paper that came out first and immediately saw that it was in Giano’s script.

  My Angel,

  Today you begin a life as another man’s wife. I want to say so many things to you and I’m not sure the words will come out right so I decided a letter in advance was necessary.

  You came into my life at my darkest hour.

  A gift.

  A treasure.

  An angel.

  I was seeking vengeance and in you I found solace. You gave me peace with what had happened to my life. You gave me hope, and you gave me a reason to continue on.

  Time has passed, we have made memories. I have watched you grow from a young girl into a beautiful young woman. Your strength to endure, your passion, your will to never give up, they are all wonderful traits, but it’s your peace, your calm in every storm that will get you through every obstacle in life.

  My wish is that you have found a man worthy of you. For you are a gift from the Heavens to everyone you touch. I hope you have found a man who gives you the same comfort and peace that you gave to me in my turmoil. I hope that you have no pain, my Angel. I hope that you have no reason to chase the demons away anymore.

  I hope you have solace, for in my darkest time you gave that gift to me.

  You gave me the light and the freedom to breathe again.

  I couldn’t give you a mother. I could only stand in as a father and a friend. There are many gifts I wished I could have given you, but today I give you the last gift I can.

  While my Nylene didn’t carry you in her womb, she would have loved you nonetheless. I believe that she gave you to me to remind me that, at times, the flesh is tender. Life is tender.

  For I was a hard man before you came into my world.

  You gave me soft.

  You made me kind.

  You made me a better man, much like my Nylene did during our time together.

  Enclosed is a letter from Nylene and her wishes for her daughter on her wedding day. I hope you find love within the words because you are a Diamante, you are our family, and today is a day of love for us all.

  Always watching over you,

  Giano

  The page was dotted with spots from my tears. Even in his death, Giano was still impacting my life.

  I knew what it was to seek solace. I knew how it felt to be adrift in life wishing for peace.

  I knew what it was to face loss. I knew what it was to face hardship.

  And now because of Giano, I knew what it was to have family.

  With Shawn, I had found love and my own peace.

  Deciding I didn’t want to wait a minute more, I rose with Nylene’s letter in my hand. Of course she wrote this for the real Angelina, but no one other than Alanzo would know this was a letter not meant for me.

  At the doorway, I handed the envelope to Alanzo. “Uncle Zozo, can you have the priest read this. I haven’t opened it, but it’s a letter from Nylene to Angelina. I want to honor her today.”

  Alanzo gave me a nod and proceeded into the sanctuary. I waited a beat and got my emotions under control. With a pat of my handkerchief, I blotted my face. Once composed I made my way to the sanctuary with my bouquet of lilies in hand. Opening the doors, I locked my eyes on Shawn’s and made my way one step at a time to him.

  The priest began with an opening prayer.

  “Amen,” we all said together as he closed it.

  “It is my understanding Ms. Angelina would like to share a letter from her mother today.”

  I nodded to the priest.

  He opened the envelope and I kept my eyes on Shawn, drawing my strength from him.

  “Angelina,” he began.

  “My angel, what a blessing you are. Today is your first birthday. After a year of milestones, I thought this would be a perfect time to write you a letter for the future. For nine months you grew in my belly, but that isn’t what connected us. Because long before you were conceived you lived in my heart. Love has that kind of power.

  I met your father and he captured my soul. I fell in love with the man he was and the man I knew he would become. You changed him, you know. He was a hard man, full of pride and coldness at times. The day they placed you in his arms, he softened, but don’t tell him I told you that. You are the heartbeat we created together. You are the symbol of the life our loved dreamed true.

  When you grow up and you read this, I hope it’s on your wedding day, and I hope it’s when you realize this is the beginning of a love and a dream coming true.

  My precious baby girl, I held you as you suckled my breast, draining my body of nutrients to feed your growing body. I laid with you many sleepless nights as you fell ill or just wanted to enjoy the moon. I called to you as you scooted across the floor. I kissed your booboos as you began those first unsteady steps.

  I am always with you. My love is always with you.

  But today, if it is your wedding day, I don’t want you to think of my love. I want you to think of the man in front of you.

  I want you to commit to him your mind, body, and soul. I want you to have dreams for the future that are built on a foundation of love.

  Be unshakable in your thoughts. Be unmovable in your love. Be resilient in your life. Be loyal. Be kind. Be forgiving.

  Most of all, be in love.

  You are my heartbeat carried on,

  Mom

  My eyes were leaking tears and my makeup forgotten. While Nylene Diamante was not my mother, her love for Giano was what saved me. Her love for him withstood any distance even that of death.

  I looked at Shawn.

  I would spend the rest of my days in love and knowing what that meant.

  Seventeen

  The reception was more like a dinner. We made our way to the Italian restaurant where Alanzo had reserved a party room and private chef for the evening.

  There were ten people in attendance because Shawn and I weren’t the most social of people. We had this all-consuming love. We didn’t need a big show for everyone; we needed each other and that’s what we had.

  Shawn came into my life when I was drowning. I was chasing peace but all I found was pain. I came to Oregon seeking solace from the despair. In the end I found love. What a magical tale we shared…even if he would never know the full extent of the gift his love was to me.

  After a toast, a kiss, and a speech from Alanzo, our first course was being served when a couple walked into our room. I didn’t recognize them right away, but Shawn tensed beside me.

  “This is a private affair,” Alanzo said, standing up and putting himself between me and the strangers.

  The man wore a tailored suit and the woman a designer dress. It was fitted, floor-length, red formal gown that she topped with matching shoes. Her brown hair was in an up-do and her hazel eyes were searching mine as she maneuvered to look around Alanzo.

  Shawn was steel beside me, at first, then he stood.

  When my gaze went back to the man, his jaw line and eye shape stuck out to me. He had freckles across his nose
and graying hair.

  “Why are you here?” Shawn asked.

  His tone was cold, bitter, and disconnected in a way I had never heard from him before. I stood, wanting to be beside my husband.

  “Well, I would think my son had better manners than to exclude his mother from such a momentous day.”

  Oh my God, Shawn’s parents.

  “How did you find out about the ceremony?” Alanzo asked.

  “Well, you for one know the circles we travel in, Alanzo Mazo. When the sole Diamante heiress is getting married, people in our world take notice. When my associates bring it to my attention that she is indeed marrying my son, people make assumptions that I’m making a move or an alliance is forming.”

  “Never,” Alanzo retorted, continuing to shift to block Mr. Patrick from getting to me. “The Diamante family had no stake in your affairs. That wasn’t Giancarlo’s line of work and you know it. There is no alliance and no one would think such.”

  “Don’t discount the idea yet. You have a skillset Alanzo that I would gladly employ. Everyone knows you never made a move without Giancarlo’s blessing. Your loyalty has been beyond measure. There is no man to issue your orders, Mazo, and I would be happy to give you directives.”

  Alanzo’s nostril’s flared. Anger pulsed off him. “There are three people I will never do business with, Liam, and you know you’re one of them.”

  The air grew thick with the tension.

  Shawn stepped around the table and I felt empty having him away from me. I remained in place because Uncle Zozo’s neck had this tick I only saw in him when he was furious.

  “Thank you to each of our friends for joining us today. I’m sorry to cut things short, but if you’ll please be excused, you can have whatever you like on the menu. We’ll pick up the tab. We have family business to attend to,” Shawn explained, sending our friends over with hugs, well-wishes, and goodbyes.

  All the while, Alanzo remained just a table between us and his body between mine and Liam Patrick’s.

  Once the room was clear, Shawn stepped up to his father. “You were not invited. You know why you weren’t invited. You are not my family. This is my day and you’re aren’t welcome.”

  “Your mother wanted to meet your bride.”

  At that explanation, she stepped forward. Alanzo moved ever so slightly to allow her to pass. She stood in front of me, the table between us.

  “I’m Ann,” she said softly. “I apologize for our intrusion. The ceremony, your dress, and the letter from your mother, well, they are so beautiful.”

  I gasped, shocked that they bore witness to our ceremony. I felt slightly violated by the intrusion, but didn’t know what to say in response.

  “Hearing the words of your mother’s love for you, I hope you can forgive my rudeness and understand that I just wanted to see our only child and the woman who captured his heart.”

  I closed my mouth and opened it again, but no words came out. I didn’t know what to say or what to think.

  “Let’s eat,” I managed to mutter. “Sit down, have a meal.”

  Alanzo looked over his shoulder at me as if I had two heads. Shawn turned around. “You don’t have to cater to them, Angel.”

  “I know I don’t,” I said confidently. “But your mother would like a moment. They will have their moment. I make no promises after the meal. I want to eat dinner with my husband, cut our cake, and leave on our honeymoon. They’re here, so rather than continue this standoff, I want our day to continue.”

  With that, Alanzo stepped aside and Liam Patrick moved closer to take a seat. His wife sat to his left while Shawn sat beside me.

  Alanzo stepped out to give us some privacy, but remained at the door.

  We began to eat in silence.

  “Your father was a man of honor,” Liam began.

  “My father is not here so I would rather not speak of him,” I fired back. I didn’t want to go down this road.

  Liam Patrick studied me. His gaze was stern and focused. He was deliberately trying to rattle me.

  “You know, you look like him,” he said, to which I didn’t reply.

  “You’re pressing your luck,” Shawn warned.

  Liam smirked as he sat back in the chair. His arrogance reminded me of when I first met Shawn.

  “You remind me of another family I once did business with.”

  “My father’s business was not of my concern. I wasn’t privy to any information on his allies or his enemies. If you came here for information, then I’m sorry to disappoint you, Mr. Patrick, but you’ve wasted your time.”

  He smiled at me. “This woman has fire. It’s attractive, Shawn. I can see why you’re so smitten.”

  The meal continued on awkwardly with his father watching my every move as if dissecting me in his mind. He kept staring at me, uncomfortably so. There was this scrutiny I couldn’t pinpoint.

  After we finished, but before we cut the cake, Liam Patrick stood.

  “Thank you for entertaining us this evening. We will let you enjoy your night. Shawn, whatever our differences, your mother has a soft spot for you. I gave her this. We won’t return.”

  Shawn didn’t speak, didn’t stand, and didn’t acknowledge the people who gave him life.

  I said nothing.

  They turned to walk away, but not before Liam Patrick looked over his shoulder at Shawn, “Son, think what you wish about my world. Think what you wish about me. You’ve committed your life and our name to a woman I promise you don’t really know.”

  Shawn jerked up abruptly from his chair. “Do not disrespect my wife in my presence.”

  Liam gave a sinister laugh. “Really, why don’t you ask her about the name Nicholi Valencia? Where was her letter from her precious Papa today? Was that all buried with Giancarlo, too? I really meant to send a condolence card for your loss, Ms. Diamante.”

  My world stopped spinning. There was a rushing sound running through my ears as my head pounded.

  Papa Valencia.

  Liam Patrick knew who I really was.

  My chest rose and fell dramatically. Blood rushed through my veins. Panic rose and fear crept in.

  If he knew then who else did?

  Why couldn’t I be free from the past?

  What would Shawn think if he learned my truth?

  Eighteen

  Dare I dream that someone might stay?

  The Patrick’s left having the last word.

  What was I going to do?

  I sat in the chair numb, waiting for Shawn to question me. Our relationship was built on a foundation of lies. I wasn’t who he thought I was.

  What were the chances?

  I moved across the country to start a new life and my past still managed to find me here.

  Alanzo couldn’t fix this mess for me now. It was all tumbling down, down, down.

  “I’m sorry,” Shawn said beside me. He shook his head. “My father is a man who likes to play mind games. He wants to get in your head, in my head. I’m sorry they came in and ruined our day. I can’t take away their imprint, but for tonight I want to forget they were here. I want to treasure this evening with my wife, my love, my Angel.”

  He smiled softly and I was overwhelmed with everything. Tears threatened to fall from my eyes.

  “Don’t cry unless they are happy tears. Please, Angel, if I had known they would come, I would have had security. My mother, she has the best of intentions, and my father uses it every chance he can. I am so very sorry for the way he spoke about your father.”

  “I’ll let you make it up to me when we get to the hotel,” I said with a wink, teasing him. I was desperately trying to lighten the mood. And, truthfully, I didn’t want him to bring up Papa Valencia.

  If he could crawl inside my head, he would know my panic. He would know my truths.

  We skipped the cake, Shawn’s mood shifting after his parents’ intrusion. I was worried, but I didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t asking me about Nicholi so I wasn’t trying to be for
thcoming.

  How was I supposed to tell the man I loved I lied and I wasn’t even the woman on his marriage certificate?

  I wasn’t Fallyn either. Fallyn died in a bed with her father’s blood covering her.

  Deciding it was best to push it all down and make the best of our evening, I aimed for seduction.

  We entered the hotel room, both a little anxious. The day had gone from magnificent to what the fuck rather quickly.

  I needed to feel connected to him. I wanted to get lost in him. Today was our day. I wanted to be alive. I was his wife; I committed myself to him and him to me. Fallyn, Angelina, none of that changed the way I felt about him.

  I was aching for our love and our bodies to be one.

  More than anything, I was wanting to use my body and his desires to distract from the truth. I needed to get lost in the night with Shawn before he asked too many questions about my past.

  He closed the door and locked it. I remained close.

  “Shawn, I need you,” I whispered, wondering if he was going to reject me and ask me what his father meant.

  Before I had to wonder anymore, his hands came to my hips, his lips crashed on mine and we were back where we were meant to be.

  Our eyes locked as we broke apart to catch our breaths. I stepped away and out of my heels. Slowly, I reached behind me and unhooked the clasp on the back of my dress. Carefully, I slid the zipper down and let it fall. With a slight shimmy I was in front of him naked.

  Quickly, he stepped out of shoes and then removed his clothes before reaching out and pulling me back to him.

  No matter what had gone wrong or right, when his eyes locked back to mine, nothing was between us. We only had love. Everything else was shut out, closed off, and non-existent. He was mine and I was his.

  For better or worse.

  In sickness and in health.

  Until death do us part.

  Nineteen

  Funny how things changed. The internship paperwork sat in front of me, and once again, the first line caused me to pause. It had been a few months of marital bliss. Shawn and I were doing well. I was in my final semester. My internship was all that I had remaining.