The Number of the Beast

by Robert A. Heinlein

“It’s a matter of health.” Bertie added, “Lady Her—Betty’s health.”

  Pop turned his head. “Bertie, we can bounce and do it again. What’s a few minutes late for tea compared with seeing your old homestead?”

  “Bertie’s not late yet, Pop. We can do even better. That lawn is smooth and the open part is about half the size of the p.g. at Imperial House. Bertie, we can ground.”

  My husband added, “I could make a glide grounding. But Deety has worked out a better method.”

  “No,” Bertie said brusquely. “Thanks, Deety. Thanks to all of you. Jake. Zeb. Captain Hilda. I’ll treasure this day. But enough is enough.” Tears were running down his cheeks, ignored.

  Aunt Hilda took a Kleenex from her purse, dabbed away his tears. She put her left hand back of Bertie’s neck, pulled his face down to hers, and kissed him. She didn’t look to see if Pop was watching—he was—she just did it.

  Pop said, “Deety, will you hand me the binox?”

  “Sure, Pop. See something?”

  “I’m going to see what I can of Merrie Old England, as I don’t expect to see it again, either. Family, we are not going back to Snug Harbor again; it’s not good for us. Meanwhile Zeb will drive and you two are to soothe our guest and make him feel better—”

  “But remember to wipe off the lipstick.”

  “Pipe down, Zeb. You aren’t observant; neither of our darlings is wearing any. Being late is not important; ‘The party can’t start till the Macgregor arrives.’ But once Bertie’s there, he’s on parade—and the Governor must not appear with eyes swollen and tear marks on his collar. We must return him in as good shape as we got him.”

  Sometimes I love Pop more than most.

  And my husband, too.

  I used both hands but didn’t need to; Bertie wasn’t trying to get away. The second time he kissed Hilda, he supplied the hands. Therapy took three minutes and forty-one seconds, and I am certain that, by the end of two hundred twenty-one seconds, Bertie was no longer homesick, not grieving about might have-beens; his morale was tiptop. The last time he kissed me, he informed me without words that I should not be alone with him unless my intentions were serious.

  I made mental note. And a second to ask Hilda if she had received the same warning. Then I struck out the second note. I was certain and equally certain that she would fib if it suited her.

  But I look forward to the day the Hillbilly asks me to jigger for her. That will be my final promotion—no longer Jane’s little girl in Hilda’s eyes but Jane’s equal, trusted as utterly as she trusted Jane. And I will be rid of the last trace of the shameful jealousy I have for my beloved Mama Jane.

  I checked myself in my purse mirror while I waited for them to break—checked both of them and decided that they had no milk on their chins. Bertie said, “Deety, could I possibly have one of those pictures as a remembrance of this perfect day?”

  “Certainly. Gay Parade Ground. All three are yours; we took them for you.” We were exactly on time.

  Three hours later I was sitting teat deep in a wonderful tub of hot soapy water, a tub big enough to drown in but I wasn’t going to drown because the Hillbilly was sitting shoulder deep, facing me. We were reliving our day as well as getting beautiful for dinner. Well…sanitary.

  Hilda said, “Deety, I tell you three times. Betty is suffering from an ailment made more endurable by Martian conditions.”

  “Meaning that in point thirty-eight gee she doesn’t hit hard when she falls down. What was in that teapot no one else touched? Chanel Number Five?”

  “Medicine. Prescribed for her nerves.”

  “Got it. Official. She’s friendly as a puppy, she’s generous, she’s our hostess—I ought to know better. It’s a shame that she has this ailment but she’s fortunate in having a husband who loves her so dearly that he left home forever so that she can live in lower gravity. Bertie is quite a man.”

  “There is nothing for him at home. His older brother has sons; title and estate can’t go to Bertie. He can’t go much higher in the army, and a governor general is senior to anybody; he embodies the Sovereign.”

  “I thought that was limited to viceroys.”

  “Squeaky put me straight on it. Bertie is viceroy in dealing with Russians. But—Did you notice the uniforms on the maids?”

  “I noticed the cream tarts more. White aprons, white caps, simple print dresses, dark blue or black with Indian arrowheads.”

  “The Broad Arrow, Deety.”

  “Huh? No sabbe, pliz.”

  “In this universe Australia belongs to the Dutch. Brace yourself, dear. This is a prison colony.”

  Every so often the world wobbles and I have to wait for it to steady down. Somewhat later I said, “A colony could be better than a prison. I can’t see Bertie as a tyrant. Bertie is quite a man. When—”

  Hilda reached out, grabbed a chain, flushed the W.C., then leaned toward me. That fixture was a noisy type that went on gurgling and gasping for a long time. “Remember what Zebbie told us when he crowded us into the other bath and turned on everything? One must assume that guest quarters in any government building anywhere are wired. Careful what you say, dear.”

  “He also said that he had no reason to assume that it was the case here.”

  “But Zebbie was the one who insisted on a conference in Gay…with Jacob being mulish and you yourself seeing no reason not to confer up here.” Aunt Hilda again pulled the chain. “Yes, Bertie is quite a man. Don’t leave me alone with him.”

  “Or should I jigger instead?”

  “Naughty Deety. My sweet, a bride should refrain at least twelve months out of respect for her husband and to prove that she can.”

  “After that it’s okay?”

  “Of course not! It’s immoral, disgraceful, and scandalous.” Suddenly she giggled, put arms around my neck, and whispered: “But if I ever need a jigger, Deety is the only person I would trust.”

  That conference, immediately after tea, had caused a crisis, brought on by our husbands in concert—but out of tune. The tea had been fun—cream tarts and new men appeal to my basest instincts. A tea qua tea should be over in an hour. We had been there over an hour, which I ignored because I was having fun. Aunt Hilda broke the ring around me, said softly, “We’re leaving.” So we smiled and said good-bye, found our host, and thanked him.

  “Our pleasure,” Bertie said. “Lady Herbert became indisposed and wishes to be forgiven but will see you at dinner. Hird-Jones tells me that black tie is no problem. Right?”

  He added to let Squeaky know when we wanted help in moving; Hilda assured him that Squeaky had it in hand and the suite was beautiful!

  As we left I asked, “Where is Zebadiah?”

  “Waiting at the outer steps. He asked me for a conference. I don’t know why, but Zebbie would not unnecessarily interrupt a social event to ask for a closed conference.”

  “Why didn’t we go to our suite? And where is Pop?”

  “Zebbie specified the car—more private. Jacob is inside, talking with some men. He brushed off my telling him that we were going to the car now—said he would see us later. Deety, I can’t enforce orders as captain under those conditions.”

  “Pop is hard to move when he gets into a discussion. I’ve yawned through some deadly ones. But how can we have a conference until he shows up?”

  “I don’t know, dear. Here’s Zebbie.”

  My husband pecked me on the nose and said, “Where’s Jake?”

  Hilda answered, “He told me that he would be along later.” Zebadiah started to curse; Aunt Hilda cut him off. “Chief Pilot.”

  “Uh—Yes, Captain.”

  “Go find the Copilot, tell him that we lift in five minutes. Having told him that and no more, turn and leave at once. Don’t give him any opportunity to ask questions. Come straight to the car.”

  “Aye aye, Captain.”

  “Come, Deety.” Hilda hurried to Gay Deceiver, went to her seat, started to belt, She glanced at me. “Astrogator,
prepare for space.”

  I started to ask why—but instead said, “Aye aye, Captain,” and quickly was belted. “Captain, may I inquire your plans?”

  “Certainly, you’re second-in-command. And Astrogator; however, I will take the conn on lifting.”

  “Then we really are lifting?”

  “Yes. Five minutes after Zebbie returns. That gives Jacob five minutes to make up his mind. Then we lift. If Jacob is aboard, he’ll be with us.”

  “Aunt Hilda, you would abandon my father on this planet?!”

  “No, Deety. Jacob will probably never notice that the car has been away as it should not be gone more than a few minutes. If Jacob does not come with us, I will ask Zebbie to drop me on Earth-without-a-J. Range-finder and target method; I don’t want to use Zebbie’s precious juice.”

  “Aunt Hilda, you sound desperate.”

  “I am, dear.” She added, “Here comes Zebbie.”

  Zebadiah climbed in. “Message delivered, Captain.”

  “Thank you, Chief Pilot. Prepare for space.”

  “Roger Wilco.”

  “Will you check the seal of the starboard door, please?”

  “Aye aye, Captain.”

  “Report readiness for space, Astrogator.”

  “Belt tight, ready for space. Oh, Aunt Hilda!”

  “Astrogator, pipe down. Chief Pilot.”

  “Both doors locked, seals checked. Seat belt tight. Power packs, two zeroed, two in reserve. Juice oh-point-seven-one-minus. All systems go. Copilot missing. Ready for space.”

  “Captain’s seat belt tight, ready for space. Gay Deceiver.”

  “Howdy, Hilda!”

  “Please display five-minute countdown. Paraphrase acknowledge.”

  “Three hundred seconds backwards in lights.”

  “Execute.”

  Have you ever listened to three hundred seconds of silence? Neither have I—two hundred eighty-one when Pop pounded on the door.

  Aunt Hilda said, “Gay Deceiver, open starboard door.”

  Pop climbed in, indignant as an offended cat. “What the hell goes on?”

  “Copilot, prepare for space.”

  “What? Now, Hilda, that is going too far!”

  “Copilot, either secure for space or get out and stand clear. Chief Pilot, see that my orders are carried out.”

  “Aye aye, Captain! Copilot, you’ve got zero seconds to make up your mind.” My husband started to unstrap.

  Pop looked at Zebadiah, looked at us. I was doing my frozen face to keep from crying and I think Aunt Hilda was, too.

  Pop hastily fastened his belt. “You’re a pack of idiots—” He was checking the door seal. “—but I won’t be left behind.”

  “Copilot, report.”

  “Huh? Ready for space.”

  Hilda said, “Gay Termite. Gay Deceiver, open your doors.”

  “Well, for the love of—”

  “Pipe down! Chief Pilot, I have no stomach for charging my husband with mutiny but that is what I have been faced with repeatedly. Will you grant me the boon of resuming command to drop me on Earth-without-a-J? I would rather not have to stay on Mars.”

  “Hilda!”

  “I’m sorry, Jacob. I’ve tried. I’m not up to it. I’m not Jane.”

  “No one expects you to be Jane! But ever since you became captain, you’ve been throwing your weight around. Like calling this stunt in the middle of a party. Insulting our host and hostess—”

  “Hold it, Jake!”

  “What? See here, Zeb, I’m talking to my wife! You keep—”

  “I said ‘Hold it.’ Shut up or I’ll shut you up.”

  “Don’t you threaten me!”

  “That’s not a threat; that’s a warning.”

  “Pop, you had better believe him! I’m not on your side.”

  Pop took a deep breath. “What do you have to say for yourself, Carter?”

  “Nothing, for myself. But you’ve got your data wrong six ways. One: Captain Hilda did not call this so-called ‘stunt.’ I did.”

  “You did? What the devil caused you to do a thing like that?”

  “Irrelevant. I convinced the Captain that the matter was urgent, so she gathered us in. All but you—-you told her not to bother you or words to that effect. But she gave you another chance—you didn’t deserve it; you had long since used up your quota. But she did. She sent me back to tell you we were lifting. It finally penetrated your skull that we might lift without you—”

  “To this place!”

  “If you had been twenty seconds later, we would have translated to another universe. But this nonsense about ‘Insulting our host and hostess—’ Your hostess left the tea long before you did; your host left immediately after Hilda and Deety, leaving his aide—the Brigadier—to close shop. But you are so damned self-centered you never noticed. Jake, don’t you lecture me on proper behavior as a guest. The first time I laid eyes on you, you were trying to star a fight in Sharpie’s ballroom—”

  “Huh? But I was fully justi—”

  “Dreck. No one is ever justified in starting a fight under a host’s roof. The very most that can be justified under extreme provocation is to tell the other party privately that you are ready to meet him at another time and place. Jake, I don’t enjoy teaching manners to my senior. But your parents neglected you, so I must. If I offend you—if you feel entitled to call me out, I will accommodate you at any other time and place.”

  Aunt Hilda gasped. “Zebbie! No!” I gasped something like it. My husband patted our hands—together; Hilda was gripping mine. “Don’t worry, dears. I didn’t call Jake out and won’t. I don’t want to hurt Jake. He’s your husband…your father…my blood brother by spilled blood. But I had to chew him out; he’s now entitled to a crack at me. With words, with hands, with whatever. Sharpie, Deety, you can’t refuse Jake his rights. No matter what, he still has rights.”

  Pop said, “Zeb, I am not going to call you out. If you think I am afraid of you, you’re welcome. If you think it’s because I know you love both Hilda and Deety, you would be closer. A fight between us would endanger their welfare. As you said, we are blood brothers.” Pop’s tone suddenly changed. “But doesn’t mean I like your behavior, you arrogant punk!”

  Zebadiah grinned. “Nolo contendere, Pop.”

  “So you admit it?”

  “You know Latin better than that, Jake. Means I’m satisfied to let it lie. We can’t afford to quarrel.”

  “Mmm—A point well taken. Stipulating that I did not come at once when summoned, and tabling, if you will, until later whether or not I had reason, may I now ask why I was summoned? The nature of this problem that caused you to call this conference?”

  “Jake, the situation has changed so rapidly that the matter no longer has priority. You heard Sharpie’s plans.”

  My husband looked into Aunt Hilda’s eyes. “Captain, I’ll be honored to drive you wherever you want to go. Drop you wherever you say. With your choice of equipment and wampum. But with a mail drop, I hope. Are you ready to leave?”

  “Yes, Captain.”

  “Wait a half. You are captain, until you leave us. Orders, Captain? Earth-without-a-J? Or I’ll help you shop others—we might find a world of nudists.”

  “Why that, Zebbie? I’m not jumpy about skin—but only among close friends.”

  “Remember why Jake was certain that the Finnish mathematician was not a disguised vermin? Sauna. Disguise has limits.”

  “Oh.” Aunt Hilda looked thoughtful. “I could get used to it. But I must get out of this tension. So drop me on the minus-J world. A mail drop, yes; I don’t ever want to lose you and Deety.”

  “We find that safe place, we pick you up. Sharpie, we’ll be back someday anyhow. If the boogiemen don’t get us.”

  “Hold it, Zeb. If you’re dropping Hilda, you’re dropping me.”

  “That’s up to Captain Hilda.”

  “Hilda, I will not permit—”

  “Jake, quit acting the fool,” growle
d my husband. “She’s boss. With me to back her up.”

  “And me!” I echoed.

  “You seem to forget that the continua device is mine!”

  “Gay Deceiver!”

  “Yes, Boss? Who’s your fat friend?”

  “‘Number of the Beast.’ Execute.”

  “Done.”

  “Try your verniers, Jake.”

  Pop did something—I couldn’t see his hands. Then he said, “Why, you—So you think you’ve stopped me? Gay Deceiver!”

  “Howdy, Jake.”

  Zebadiah cut in: “Gay Deceiver override! Emergency Thirty-one execute. Gay can no longer hear you, Jake. Try it.”

  “If you can do one, you can do the other. Zeb, I never thought you would be that sneaky.”

  “Jake, if you had behaved yourself, you never would have known. Extreme individualists (all of us) don’t take kindly to discipline because they rarely understand its nature and function. But—even before that fake ranger showed up—we all had agreed to ‘lifeboat’ rules. We discussed them and you all claimed to understand them…and I was elected skipper. I nominated you—eldest, senior, inventor of the space-time twister—but you said it had to be me. A lifeboat officer must always be able to enforce his orders…in situations of great peril complicated by hysterical civilians. Or bullheaded ones who must otherwise be wheedled.”

  It was time for a diversion; Pop doesn’t like to look foolish and I was still hoping to salvage this shambles. “Zebadiah, is my number fifty-nine?”

  “Of course, but it takes my voice. Can you figure the cancel-and-reset?”

  “For mnemonic reasons it should be one of three. Probably ninety-five.”

  “On the button!”

  “Although I would prefer eighty-nine.”

  “Why?”

  “Work on it. Zebadiah, why did you call this meeting?”

  “With Sharpie leaving us the matter is academic. We won’t be coming back to Mars.”

  “Oh, dear!”

  “What’s the trouble, Sharpie? Captain.”

  “I promised Squeaky a ride. Zebbie, could you keep my promise for me? Please? For old times’ sake?”

  “Captain, once we lift to drop you on Minus-J, we won’t return. But the Captain still is captain and can give Squeaky that ride in the next thirty minutes if it suits her.”