The Number of the Beast

by Robert A. Heinlein

  I blurted out, “We ought to stay here!”

  Glinda smiled at me, not a happy smile. “Dear Deety—You have decided not to have your baby?”

  “Huh? I mean, ‘Excuse me, Glinda?’”

  “You have been in Fairyland more than the others. You know that your little girl will not be born here…just as no one ever dies here.”

  Aunt Hilda spoke up so quickly I couldn’t get a word in. “Glinda, thank you very much but I will not be staying.”

  I gulped. “I won’t be staying, either, Aunt Glinda.”

  “So I suspected. Do you want my advice, dear?”

  “Yes. Certainly!”

  “Having decided to be a woman and not a little girl like Dorothy or Trot, leave here quickly…lest you be tempted to stay in Fairyland forever.”

  Pop glanced at Zebadiah, then said, “Madame Glinda, we’ll be leaving in the morning. We are grateful for your lavish hospitality…but I think that is best.”

  “I think so, too, Doctor. But remember: Ozma’s invitation stands. When you are weary of the world, come here for a holiday and bring the children. Children are happy here and never get hurt. Oz was designed for children.”

  “We will, we certainly will!”

  “Is there anything more to discuss? If not…”

  “Just a second!” put in Aunt Hilda. “You told Deety—will you tell me?”

  Glinda smiled. “My Book states that you are growing a boy.”

  XXXIII

  “—‘solipsism’ is a buzz word.”

  Zeb:

  I didn’t sleep with Deety that night. I didn’t plan it that way. A footman showed me to a room; Deety and Hilda were standing at the top of the stairs (more magical stairs—okay as long as you don’t look down) and talking excitedly, with Jake nearby.

  When I saw that the room had only a single bed, the footman had vanished. I stepped outside; Deety and Hilda and Jake were gone, the upper hall was dark. So I said a word one mustn’t use in Oz and went back into my room. Even a single bed looked inviting; I went to sleep at once.

  Glinda had breakfast with us, in the banquet hall, considerably shrunken. The food in Imperial House is wonderful, but you can’t beat ham and basted eggs and toast and jelly and fresh orange juice. I drank three cups of coffee and felt ready to rassle alligators.

  Glinda kissed Deety and Hilda good-bye at the top of those Escher steps, and Jake and I bent over her hands. She wished us good luck…which must mean more from her.

  Gay Deceiver looked good in morning sunlight. Tik-Tok was standing at her nose. “Good mor-ning,” he said. “I have been con-ver-sing with Miss Gay De-cei-ver all night. She is a ve-ry Smart Girl.”

  “Howdy, Zeb.”

  “Howdy, Gay. What have I told you about picking up strange men?”

  “You’ve told me nothing, Zeb. And Tik-Tok is not a strange man. He is a gentleman, which is more than I can say for some people.”

  “Tru-ly, Cap-tain, I meant no im-pro-pri-e-ty.”

  “Just kidding, folks. Thanks for keeping Gay company, Tik-Tok.”

  “It was a plea-sure and a pri-vi-lege. I ar-ranged with the night watch-man to wind me up each hour in or-der that our con-ver-sa-tion be not a-brupt-ly ter-mi-nat-ed.”

  “Smart of you. Thanks again and we’ll see you again. We’ll be back for a visit, first chance. Gay, open up.”

  “You didn’t say ‘Please,’” my autopilot answered, but she opened her doors.

  “I am de-ligh-ted to hear that you are re-tur-ning. Miss Gay De-cei-ver and I have much in com-mon.”

  Sharpie said good-bye to Tik-Tok, went inside. Deety not only said good-bye but kissed his copper cheek—Deety would kiss a pig if the pig would hold still for it (if he didn’t, I would turn him into sausage; kissing Deety is not to be scorned).

  Hilda reappeared, still in evening gown. “Deety, come here. Hurry!”

  I shook hands with Tik-Tok (odd!) and suggested that he back off a little. Then I went inside. No sign of our wives—I called to them, “Shake it up in there. I want a pilot suit.”

  Deety called out, “Zebadiah, wiggle your way through the bulkhead.”

  “I can’t change clothes back there.”

  “Please, dear. I need you.”

  When Deety says she needs me, I go. So I wiggled through, and the space didn’t seem as cramped as it had been when I was working on it at Termite Terrace. “Where are you?”

  “In here. Port side,” came Deety’s muffled voice. I turned around, banging my head, and found a door where a door shouldn’t be. I had to stoop but once through it I could stand up. A room slightly bigger than a telephone booth—a door aft, a door forward, Sunbonnet Sue to the left, Buster Brown to the right. Deety opened the door on the left. “Come look!”

  A luxurious dressing room and bath—“It’s the same one as in the ‘Welcome’ cottage,” said Deety, “except that the window is frosted and doesn’t open. But the air is fresh.”

  I said “Hmmm—” Then I added, “Well, well!” I checked out Buster Brown. Yes, the same bathroom Jake and I had used yesterday.

  Jake stuck his head in. I said, “Perfesser, give me the benefit of your wisdom.”

  “Zeb, I’m fresh out.”

  “Jake—your opinion, please. Is this craft ready for space?”

  “Zeb, I don’t know.”

  “Let’s check the outside.”

  We went over the shell with eyes and fingers, port and starboard. That car was unblemished—outside. But from inside I heard a toilet flushing.

  I went inside, on back, still on back, and knocked on Sunbonnet Sue. Sharpie let me in. “Just leaving, Zebbie,” She had elected to wear one of her new jump suits and looked like a Cracker Jack prize. “Deet’ is about ready.”

  “Wait a half, Sharpie. Jake and I have decided to trust Glinda.”

  “Was there any doubt?”

  I stepped inside; Deety twisted around at the dressing table, smiled through a mouthful of bobby pins. “Your father and I have approved this craft for space—tentatively—Captain Deety.”

  “I approved it at breakfast—and not tentatively. What do you have there, dear one?” She accepted a list from me, read it over:

  Name Duty Additional and/or Relief Duty

  D. T. B. Carter Commanding

  Hilda S. Burroughs 2nd in Command & Navigator Science Officer & Chef

  Z. J. Carter Chief Pilot Relief Navigator

  J. J. Burroughs Copilot Sous-Chef

  “It’s intended to make your life easier, Cap’n Deety. Jake didn’t get the going-over he should have had. But with Jake in the right-hand seat and me over him, I can keep him in hand—and he’ll be so busy with his verniers that he won’t have time to talk back. ‘Sous-Chef’ is a fancy way of saying that he’ll be under his wife’s thumb when we’re grounded.”

  “It’s well thought out, Zebadiah. Thank you.”

  “Suits you?”

  “Let me study it.”

  I got fidgety, ducked into Buster Brown and killed time until she called me. “Slight revision, Zebadiah.”

  Name Duty Additional and/or Relief Duty

  Deety Captain Instructor Computers

  Zebadiah 2nd in Command & Chief Master at Arms Instructor Duo, Air

  Jake Chief Pilot Instructor Verniers

  Hilda Copilot Science Officer & Executive Chef

  Note: Cooking will rotate D-J-Z unless changed by the Executive Chef.

  “A ‘Slight revision’!”—I felt offended.

  Deety looked at me anxiously. “I’m submitting it for your advice, Zebadiah. I want to continue Pop’s policy of everybody learning every job, at least well enough to limp home. Hilda will learn the verniers quickly; she’s deft, she doesn’t have to be told twice, and the inventor I have placed at her elbow. Pop needs practice in air; he isn’t as good as he thinks he is and he’s never driven a car this fast. You’ll be behind him, ready to bounce him out of trouble. Dear—will it work?”

  I was forc
ed to admit that Deety’s T.O. was better than mine.

  “It’s better than mine, so you owe me a forfeit. Where are my handcuffs and nightstick?”

  “As second-in-command you are vested with the duty to keep order and to see that the commanding officer’s orders are carried out, are you not?”

  “Of course, Deety—Captain Deety—why rub their noses in it?”

  “You know why, Zebadiah. I am reminding everyone that I mean to have a taut ship—and no back talk! You don’t need handcuffs or a club. But in that right-hand dressing-table drawer is a ten-centimeter roll of adhesive tape—the size gangsters use for gags.”

  “Oh. Oho!”

  “Zebadiah! Don’t use it without my direct order. I shall maintain a taut ship. But when I’ve served my time, I would much rather my father was still speaking to me. It’s a last resort, my husband. A sharp Pipe-down from you is all P—anybody will ever need. I intend to keep you at the conn most of the time—unless you ask me to relieve you, or I tell you I want to conn something personally.”

  “Suits.”

  “Very well, sir. You have the conn. Give them their assignments, prepare the car for space, take the reports, let me know here when you are ready. Revision in plan: Take us straight up one thousand klicks. Let us look at Oz from a distance, then continue by plan.”

  “Aye aye, Captain.” I started to leave while thinking that Deety might leave a reputation equal to that of Captain Bligh.

  “Zebadiah!”

  “Yes, Captain?”

  “Don’t go ’way without kissing me or I won’t take the bloody job!”

  “I didn’t realize that the Captain cared to be kissed.”

  “Captains need kisses more than most people,” she answered, her face muffled against my shoulder.

  “Got a fresh new stock. Will there be anything else, Ma’am?”

  “Yes.”

  “What?”

  “When I’ve served my time, will you use your influence to put me on the verniers? And—sometime—will you teach me supersonic?”

  “Verniers, yes. Supersonic—A man who takes his wife as a pupil is breeding a divorce. Gay will teach you supersonic if you will let her. At super- or hypersonic she’s safest on autopilot. She won’t hurt herself—but if you override, you may hurt her, she may hurt you.”

  “But you override. How am I to learn?”

  “Easy. Give her a program. Leave it loose enough for her to correct your goofs. Keep your hands and feet very lightly on the controls. Be patient, and eventually you’ll be part of Gay and Gay will be part of you. Shut up and kiss me.”

  Captains kiss better.

  Ten minutes later we were ready for space. I asked, “Did anyone leave anything in our annex?” I wasn’t thinking about it; Jake had reported: “Juice one point zero—full capacity!”

  “Hilda and I hung up our dresses.”

  “Captain, do you realize that our magical space warp will probably go back wherever it came from the instant we leave?”

  “Want to bet? Glinda wouldn’t pull a trick like that.”

  “It’s your dress, Cap’n. But your exec advises you officially to warn all hands never to leave anything essential in there during maneuvers.” I wiped the matter from my mind; Deety would do it her way. “Gay, are you going to go on being talkative on your own?”

  “Zeb, back on watch, I’ll be strictly business. But a girl is entitled to a night out once in a while.”

  “You’re a Smart Girl, Gay.”

  “So Tik-Tok told me, Zeb.”

  “Roger and out, Gay. Sharpie, set transition one thousand klicks H axis, plus.”

  “A thousand kilometers straight up, minimum-range scale, vernier setting three. Jacob, will you check me, please?”

  Jake reported the setting correct; I snapped, “Execute!”

  Jake put her nose-down: an Earthlike planet so covered with haze that I could make out no details other than straight down, where Oz was still sharp and framed by the impassable deserts. “Sharpie, please hand me the binox, then shift hats to ‘Science Officer’ and find out whether or not our new addition came along.”

  I had to help her undog the bulkhead door—Sharpie, in free fall, can’t brace herself to apply enough torque to loosen a dog I had fastened on the ground. Meanwhile Deety had been using the binox. “Zebadiah, it’s hazy everywhere but below us. Emerald City shines out green as Erin, and Glinda’s Palace gleams in the sunshine. But the rest might as well be Venus. Only it’s not.”

  “Daughter—Captain, I mean—have you looked at the stars?” Jake added, “I think it’s our own universe.”

  “It is, Pop? On which side of Orion is the Bull?”

  “Why, on—Jesus, Allah, and Zoroaster! It’s turned inside out!”

  “Yes, but not the way that other inside-out place was. Like Oz itself. East for west.”

  I asked my wife, “Captain Deety, is there anything odd about duration here?”

  “Doesn’t feel odd. But it’s been about a century since those three little girls moved to Oz. I don’t know what it feels like to them, and I carefully didn’t ask. Did anybody notice that there were no clocks and no calendars?”

  “Zebbie!”

  “Yes, Sharpie?” I answered.

  “Our new plumbing works just dandy. Be careful going in; it’s not free fall; the floor is down. I did a spectacular somersault.”

  “Hilda my love, are you hurt?”

  “Not a bit, Jacob. But next time I’ll hang on to something, pull myself down even with the deck, and slide in.”

  “Science Officer, secure all doors, return to your seat and strap down. Then swap hats and set next rotation by schedule.”

  “I fastened the doors. I’m dogging the bulkhead door. Okay, I’m strapping down. Where are the binoculars?”

  “Jake stowed them. All hands, stand by to rotate.”

  Another totally black one—I said, “Captain, we’ll tumble now unless you prefer to check our new plumbing first.”

  “Plumbing isn’t Deety’s job! I’m Science Officer and that includes hygiene, plumbing, and space warps.”

  Deety said to me, “I relieve you, dear”—then more loudly, to Hilda: “Copilot, pipe down. Pop, dowse the lights and tumble us. Aunt Hillbilly, attempt to set next rotation by touch and sound, in the dark. That’s number eight, third of second group.”

  “Aye aye, Captain Bligh.”

  The tumble showed nothing. Jake switched on lights, reported that Sharpie had set the next rotation correctly. Deety asked me to relieve her at the conn, then said, “Science Officer, I am about to inspect the addition to your department; please accompany me.” Without a word Sharpie did so.

  They were gone quite a while. At last I said, “Jake, what do women talk about in can conferences?”

  “I’m afraid to find out.”

  They came back full of giggles; I concluded that Deety’s disciplinary methods worked. As they strapped down, Deety said, “Dear, it’s black as sin out there—and sunlight streaming in both bathroom windows. Riddle me that.”

  “Science Officer’s department,” I evaded. “Stand by to rotate.”

  This time Jake not only had air, I could hear it. Jake got her leveled out hastily. “Copilot, H-above-G!”

  “Thirteen hundred meters.”

  “Too close! Zeb, I’m going to retire and take up tatting. Where are we? I can’t see a thing.”

  “We’re over water, Pop, with a light fog. I see a shoreline to starboard.”

  Jake turned Gay to the right, I picked out the shoreline. Gay’s wings were spread; Jake held her at an easy glide and placed her on automatic. “We’ll leave this kite sealed now; I won’t check the air without going up high.”

  “Sail ho!”

  “Where away, Sharpie?”

  “Starboard bow. A sailing ship.”

  Durn if it wasn’t. A square-rigger out of the seventeenth century, high forecastle and sterncastle. Jake took us down for a better look. I wasn’
t afraid; people who sail ships like that don’t use guided missiles—so I kept telling myself.

  It was a pretty sight. Jake dropped the starboard wing so that we could have a good look. But we must not have been a “pretty sight” to them; sailors were rushing around and the helmsman let her get away from him and she fell into irons, her canvas flapping foolishly. Not wanting to get the poor fellow keelhauled, I told Jake to level off and head for land.

  Deety said, “Good God, Pop, you scared me silly.”

  “Why, Deety?—Captain Deety. They were scared—but surely you aren’t scared by black-powder cannon?”

  “You almost put the starboard wing into the water.”

  “Don’t be silly, Deety; I was above two hundred meters. Well, maybe a hundred and fifty when I did that steep turn. But plenty of room.”

  “Take a look at your altimeter. And pressure.”

  Jake looked and so did I. The radar altimeter stated that we were nineteen meters above the water; Jake had to change scales to read it. Pressure showed well over a thousand millibars—a sea-level high. So I snapped, “Gay Bounce!”

  Gay did and I caught my breath.

  “Deety, how did I make that error?” Jake asked.

  “I don’t know, Pop. I can see the right wing tip; you can’t. When it looked to me as if you might cut the water, I looked at the instruments. I was about to yell when you straightened out.”

  “Captain, I was driving seat-of-my-pants by the ship’s masts. I would swear I never got within three hundred meters of that ship, on the slant. That should put me plenty high.”

  Sharpie said, “Jacob, don’t you recognize this place?”

  “Hilda, don’t tell me you’ve been here before?”

  “Only in books, Beloved. A child’s version in third grade. A more detailed version in junior high. Finally I laid hands on the unexpurgated version, which was pretty racy for the age I was then. I still find it pleasantly bawdy.”

  “Sharpie,” I demanded, “what are you talking about?”