The Number of the Beast

by Robert A. Heinlein

  Zebbie sighed. “All hands, stand by to rotate. Execute!”

  Green fire—“Rotate! Execute!”

  A formless red fog—“Gay Sagan!”

  Mars looked like an old friend. Zebbie wiped his brow and said, “Whew! One to go—Cap’n Deety hon, let’s get it over with. Sharpie?”

  “Fifteenth universe—set!” I reported.

  “Execute!”

  We came out into a starry universe. “Cap’n Deety hon, don’t these constellations look familiar?” Zebbie commented.

  “I think so.”

  “They are familiar,” I insisted. “Except that there is a very bright star near the Gemini. That ought to be the Sun. We’re way out past Pluto, where the comets spend the winter. Let’s move in and find Earth.”

  “Don’t be in a hurry,” said Zebbie. “Science Officer, what was that first rotation? Green fire?”

  “How about the deadly green nebula in ‘The Legion of Space’?—on the trip to the Runaway Star where Aladoree had been taken.”

  “That was on your list?”

  “All of us voted for it.”

  “What was that red fog we rotated into next?”

  “That one is harder to figure,” I admitted. “It could be any universe by a writer who paid respectful attention to astronomy—Bova, Haldeman, Schmidt, Pournelle, Niven, Benford, Clement, Anderson, and so forth. But there were four votes for ‘The Mote in God’s Eye.’ Whether the two old gentlemen had anything to do with it or not, I think we blundered into a red giant. A red giant is close to what we call vacuum. Anyhow, we weren’t hurt; we were there about two seconds.”

  “Less than that, Sharpie; you set it with one click, and barely had your thumb off the execute button. Captain, do you wish to transit toward that bright star?”

  “Let’s chop off thirty or forty A.U.’s,” Deety decided, “and get a rough cross fix. Maybe that will give us a disc Pop can measure. If not, we’ll narrow it down until it does. Then place us one A.U. from the Sun and we’ll spot Earth easily. Astrogator—advice.”

  “Captain, I advise making that first jump with wide offset. Miss the Sun by at least one A.U. At least.”

  “Yes! Zebadiah, make that cross fix wide. Uh—” Deety peered around. “There’s the Sickle. Have Pop aim for Regulus.”

  My husband said, “I’m swinging toward Regulus. Zeb, how do I take the angular width of the Solar disc without broiling an eyeball?”

  “The gunsight has a built-in polarizer. Didn’t I show you?”

  “You did not.”

  “Sorry. Captain Deety hon, I request permission to relieve the Chief Pilot for this.”

  “Permission granted. But, Zebadiah, you be careful.”

  “Spacecraft! Identify yourself!”—the voice was everywhere.

  Zebbie jerked with surprise. (Me, too!) “Who said that?”

  “Lensman Ted Smith, Commander Galactic Patrol, commanding Patrol Vessel ‘Nighthawk.’ Entity, I regret being forced to enter your mind but you have been ignoring sub-ether radio for four minutes thirty-two seconds. Switch it on and I will get out of your mind. Do not maneuver; we have weapons on you.”

  “Captain,” Jacob whispered, “Hilda is set to rotate.”

  Deety shook her head, touched Zebbie’s arm, pointed to herself.

  “Lensman, this is Captain Deety, commanding Continua Craft Gay Deceiver. We don’t have sub-ether radio. Do you read me?”

  “I read you loud and clear. What happened to your sub-ether radio? Do you need help?”

  “Captain Smith, I don’t have sub-ether radio at all. We don’t need help but could use astrogational advice. Where are we?”

  “The important point is that you are in my patrol sector, an unscheduled ship insufficiently identified. I repeat: DO NOT MANEUVER. By order of the Galactic Patrol. Do you understand?”

  “I understand you, Lensman. I regret having intruded into your patrol space. This is a private ship engaged in peaceful exploration.”

  “That is what I am about to determine, Captain. Stay where you are, make no hostile moves, and you will be safe.”

  “Lensman, can you see through my eyes?”

  “Are you inviting me to do so?”

  “Certainly. Use my eyes, use my ears. But don’t try to take over my mind or this ship will disappear.” Deety squeezed my shoulder; I signaled “Roger” with a pat.

  “I warn you not to maneuver. Ah…interesting!”

  I snapped, “Captain Smith, quit threatening us! A Lensman is supposed to be an officer and gentleman! I intend to report you to the Port Admiral! You’re an oaf!”

  “Sorry, Madam. I do not wish to offend but I have duty to perform. Captain, will you please turn your head so that I can see who is speaking?”

  “Certainly. Let me introduce all of us. On my left”—Deety looked at Zebbie—“is Doctor Zebadiah Carter. In front of him is Doctor Jacob Burroughs. On his right”—Deety looked at me—“is his wife, Doctor Hilda Burroughs, xenobiologist and chief of science. Let me offer you this advice, Lensman: It is never safe to offend Doctor Hilda.”

  “I gathered that impression, Captain. Doctor Hilda, I would not willingly offend—but I have duties. Shall I get out of your mind entirely? If you speak to me, I will hear with Captain Deety’s ears. She can, if she will, repeat to you my thought in answer.”

  “Oh, it’s all right for conversation. But don’t try to go deeper! Mentor would not like it—as you know!”

  “Doctor Hilda, your mention of…a certain entity…surprises me—from one who is not a Lensman.”

  “I don’t need a Lens. You can check that with Arisia.”

  Deety said hastily, “Lensman, are you satisfied that we are a peaceful party of scientists? Or is there something more that you wish to know?”

  “Captain, I can see that this ship is not a pirate vessel—unarmed and unarmoured. Oh, I note controls for a coherent light gun but that wouldn’t be much use to a pirate. Nor can I visualize two men and two women attempting to attack a space liner. But keeping the peace is just one of my responsibilities. Your ship, small as it is, could be carrying millions of credits in contraband.”

  “Say what you mean, Lensman,” I snapped. “Drugs. But don’t use the word ‘zwilnik.’”

  Mentally, we could hear him sigh. “Yes, Doctor Hilda—drugs. But I did not introduce that offensive word into the discussion.”

  “I heard you thinking it. Don’t do it again!”

  “Lensman,” Deety said quickly, “we have medical drugs. The only one that could interest you is a few milligrams of morphine. But we carry no thionite, no bentlam, no hadive, no nitrolabe. You are using your Lens; you know that I’m telling the truth.”

  “Captain, it’s not that easy. Before I hailed you I did try a slight probe—please, Doctor Hilda; it was in line of duty! I’ve never encountered minds so fully blocked. And this is a most curious craft. It is obviously designed for aerodynamic use rather than space. Yet here you are—and I can’t see how you got here. I have no choice but to detain you and to examine this ship thoroughly. If necessary, take it apart piece by piece.”

  “Lensman,” Deety said earnestly, “don’t be hasty. You can search more thoroughly by Lens than by other means. Go ahead. We’ve nothing to hide and we have a great deal to offer the Patrol. But you won’t get it by pushing us around.”

  “You certainly won’t! Cap’n, let’s leave! I’m tired of stupidity!”—and I snapped, “Gay Sagan!”

  Mars-zero was on our starboard bow. That dead rock looked awfully good to me.

  Zebbie said, “Captain, did you order the copilot to execute?”

  I said, “Don’t bother Deety with it, Zebbie. I did it without permission. Solely my decision.”

  Zebbie frowned unhappily. “Sharpie, I thought you would be our model Girl Scout while Deety is skipper. Why?”

  “Zebbie, you can rotate back there in no time. But I would like to be dropped first. Imperial House. Or Minus-J. Somewhere.”

&n
bsp; “Why, Hilda?” my husband asked.

  “Jacob, meet your friendly neighborhood zwilnik. Commander Ted Smith of the Galactic Patrol—a fine officer; I’m certain, as Dr. E. E. Smith saw to it that no unworthy person could ever wear the Lens—was getting unpleasantly close. That’s why I was so fierce with the poor man.”

  Deety said, “But, Aunt Hilda, E. E. Smith’s world is just the sort of world we’ve been seeking.”

  “Maybe we’ll go back. But not until I’ve had a chance to dump two pounds of concentrated extract of Cannabis magnifica. Dr. Wheatstone tells me that it is incredibly valuable in therapy, as the base for endless drugs. But I had a hunch that Commander Smith would confiscate it, impound the Smart Girl, arrest all of us—and convict me. But that isn’t all, Zebbie. Doctor Smith created one of the most exciting universes I know of. To read about, not to live in. With that endless Boskone War—must have been going on; they were looking for zwilniks—you have to be as smart as Kimball Kinnison to stay alive…and even he gets chopped up now and again. Deety and I need a good baby-cotcher and I’m sure they have them. But we have months to find one. Let’s not deliberately back into a war.”

  Deety didn’t hesitate. “I agree with Aunt Hilda. If we go back, it will not be while I’m captain. Hillbilly, you didn’t disobey orders; you used your head in an emergency.” I thought Deety was going to ask me how and when I got Cannabis magnifica extract…but she didn’t.

  “Jake,” Zebbie said, “we’re overruled. Where now, Captain? Earth-Teh-one-plus?”

  “First we’d better pick a place to spend the night, and hold an election.”

  “Why, Deety, you’ve served less than twelve hours!”

  “It will be about twenty-four hours when we lift off tomorrow. I’m not going to ask for nominations; we’ve all had a turn at it; we are now balloting for permanent captain.”

  I expected Zebbie to be picked. But there were three for me, one for Zebbie—my ballot.

  I seemed to be the only one surprised. Zebbie said to Deety, “Ask to be relieved now, hon. The short-timer syndrome is bad for anyone but worse for a C.O.—it demoralizes her crew.”

  “Aunt Hilda, will you relieve me?”

  I pondered it half a second. “I relieve you, Deety.”

  “Goody! I think I’ll take a nap.”

  “I think you’ll take the verniers. Zebbie and Jacob stay in the jobs they’re in. Prepare to maneuver. Copilot, set for Oz. If you don’t know how, ask your father.”

  “Set verniers for Oz?”

  I took a deep breath to calm down. “Before anyone starts asking ‘Why?’ the answer is: Pipe down and do your job. Before we start on Teh axis, I want to ask questions. We talked to Glinda about our problem. We didn’t talk directly to the others. I mean Ozma and Professor Wogglebug and the Little Wizard and possibly others. Family, magicians who can install two bathrooms in a Ford and never have it show can also help us spot vermin if we ask the right questions. Deety, are you having trouble setting for Oz?”

  “Captain, why set verniers? Gay has our parking spot in her perms. Codeword ‘Glinda.’”

  A few seconds later Gay called out, “Hi, Tik-Tok!”

  “Wel-come back, Miss Gay De-cei-ver. Glin-da told me that you would be gone on-ly a few mi-nutes, so I wai-ted here for you. I am deep-ly hap-py to see you a-gain.”

  XXXVII

  The First Law of Biology

  Zeb:

  “Stand by to maneuver,” I ordered—at the conn by Captain Sharpie’s wish “Hello, Gay.”

  “Howdy, Zeb. You look hung over.”

  “I am. Gay Home!”

  Arizona was cloudless. “Crater verified, Captain Hilda.”

  “Teh axis one plus—set, Captain,” Deety reported.

  “Execute!”

  “No crater, Cap’n Auntie. No house. Just mountains.” Deety added, “Teh-one-minus—set.”

  “Roger, Deety. Routine check, Captain?”

  “Voice routine, short schedule.” (I think that is what got Sharpie elected permanent C.O.—she never hesitates.)

  “Gay Deceiver. Sightseeing trip. Five klicks H-above-G.”

  “Ogle the yokels at five thousand meters. Let’s go!”

  “Deety, keep your thumb on the button. Gay—Miami Beach.”

  Below lay a familiar strip city. “Captain?”

  “Zebbie, note the crowded streets. Sunny day. Beaches empty. Why?”

  “Bogie six o’clock low!” Jake yelped.

  “Gay Zoom!”

  Earth-Teh-one-plus swam warm and huge. Opposite us a hurricane approached Texas. I asked, “Want to see more, Captain?”

  “Zebadiah, how can we see more when we haven’t seen any?”

  “But Cap’n Sharpie has, Deety. Folks, I’m unenthusiastic about a world where they shoot without challenging. Jake, your bogie was a missile?”

  “I think so, Zeb. Collision course with Doppler signature over a thousand knots and increasing.”

  “A missile—out of Homestead-analog, probably. Captain, these blokes are too quick on the trigger.”

  “Zebbie, I find empty beaches more disturbing. I can think of several reasons why they would be empty on a nice day—all unpleasant.”

  “Want to check San Diego? I can get more scram time by increasing H-above-G.”

  “No, we have over forty thousand analogs on this axis; we’ll stick to doctrine. Shop each world just long enough to find something wrong—‘Black Hats,’ war, low technology, no human population, bad climate, overpopulated, or factor X. If we don’t find our new Snug Harbor in the next four months, we’ll consider returning to Doctor Smith’s world.”

  “Hillbilly, if we wait there to have our babies, then wait again until they are big enough to travel, we’ll never find Snug Harbor.”

  “I said, ‘consider.’ We may find a place to shack up for five months or so, then slam back to Galactic Patrol Prime Base hospital for the Grand Openings. Could be an empty world—no people, pleasant otherwise. Food is now no problem and we get water from Oz. All we lack is television—”

  “That’s no lack!”

  “Deety, I thought you liked ‘Star Trek’?”

  “Auntie Captain, we’ve got our own star trek now.”

  “Hmm—Deety, you and I should go easy on this star trek. I’m going to follow a conservative routine. You’re young and healthy and built for it. But I’m having my first one past forty and I’m going to be very careful—exercise, diet, rest, the works.”

  “I surrender. Let’s get cracking, Cap’n Hillbilly.”

  “Take it, Zebbie.”

  “Copilot, execute!”

  Earth-Teh-one-minus replaced Teh-one-plus. “Jacob, it doesn’t look right. Astrogator, I want us up a hundred kilometers, over—make it Mississippi Valley about St. Louis. Want to change attitude?”

  “Yes, please. Jake, point Gay at your target; it will skip setting angle.” The craft’s nose dipped and steadied.

  “How’s that?”

  “Fine, Jake. Deety, set L axis plus transition ninety-nine thousand klicks.”

  “Set, Zebadiah.”

  “Execute.” We popped out high over fields of ice. “Sneak up on it, Cap’n?”

  “Never mind. Zebbie, that’s what I call a hard winter.”

  “A long winter. Actually it’s summer, I think; Earth-analogs should be in the same place in orbit as Earth. Jake?”

  “By theory, yes. Doesn’t matter either way; that’s glaciation. Deety has set Teh-two-plus.”

  “We can’t homestead on an ice sheet. Execute.”

  “Zebbie, how many ice ages so far?”

  “Five, I think. Deety?”

  “Five is right, Zebadiah. Plus two worlds with major war, one where they shot at us, and one so radioactive that we got out fast!”

  “So we’re hitting ice more often than not.”

  “Five to four has no statistical significance, Zebadiah. At least Aunt Hilda hasn’t spotted even one ‘Black Hat.’”


  “Sharpie, how good are your magic spectacles?”

  “Zebbie, if I see them walk, I’ll spot ’em, no matter how they’re disguised. In the simulations Glinda and Wizard cooked up, I spotted their gait every time Deety identified it by Fourier analysis.”

  “You feel confident, that’s enough.”

  “Zebbie, I don’t have clairvoyance; there wasn’t time to train me. But Glinda got me highly tuned to their awkward gait, both with and without splints. I want to discuss something else. According to geologists, when we were home—Earth where we were born, I mean—we were in a brief warm period between glaciations.”

  “If geologists are right,” I admitted.

  “If so, we’ll usually hit glaciation.”

  “Probably. ‘If—’”

  “Yes, ‘if—’ But we now know what glaciation looks like. If you and Jacob and Deety can make it a drill, we can flip past ice ages as fast as you spot one.”

  “We’ll speed it up. Jake.”

  “Zebadiah, wait!”

  “Why, Deety? We’re about to translate.”

  “Pop, you told me to set for Teh-five-plus.”

  “Jacob?” Captain Sharpie said.

  “That’s right, Captain.”

  “What’s the trouble, Deety?”

  “Aunt Hilda, I said that five-to-four had little statistical significance. But so far, all glaciations have been in Teh-minus. That could be chance but—”

  “—but doesn’t look like it. You want us to explore axis Teh-plus first? Astrogator?”

  “No, no! Captain Auntie, I would like to see enough of Teh-minus to have a significant sample. At least a hundred.”

  “Jacob?”

  “Hilda, if we check in one pseudodirection only—say Teh-minus—it’ll be four or five times as fast as hunting back and forth between plus and minus. Deety can set with one click; Zeb can yell ‘Execute!’ as soon as you are satisfied.”

  “Jacob, we’ll get Deety her sample. But faster. Astrogator, have our copilot set Teh-six-minus”

  “Uh…set, Captain.”

  “When Zebbie says ‘Go,’ Jacob, you and Deety flip them past as fast as you can without waiting for orders. All we’ll be looking for is ice ages; we can spot one in a split second. If anyone sees a warm world, yell ‘Stop!’ Deety, can Gay count them?”