Home Alone 2

by Todd Strasser

  FA-WHAPPPP! The toilet bowl erupted in flames. The flash of light was so great it lit up the entire brownstone. Harry straightened up and stared at himself in the mirror. Smoke rose from his head and his hat had been reduced to a few blackened embers. His face was covered with dark soot and the collar of his coat was smoldering. Now he knew why the bathroom had smelled of paint thinner. Because the kid had filled the toilet bowl with it.

  Drenched to the bone, and standing in a huge puddle of paint, Marv looked for a way out of the basement. His eyes fixed on a rope hanging down through the bare beams from the first floor. Marv knew he could pull himself out of the basement with it, but only if it wasn't another trap set by that lousy kid.

  He reached for the rope, gave it a little tug and then quickly stepped back. Nothing happened. He stepped forward and tugged it harder. Again nothing happened. Filled with hope, Marv grabbed the rope with both hands, took a deep breath, and started to pull himself up.

  Suddenly, something gave above him. The rope came loose and started spooling down. Marv looked up just in time to see a seventy-five-pound bag of plaster hurtling down through the beams.

  Ker-Pow! The bag hit Marv on the head and burst into a cloud of white dust as it drove him to the basement floor.

  A few moments later Marv pushed himself up. The white powder had stuck to the wet paint, making him look like a snowman on its knees. He spit out a mouthful of plaster and made two angry fists. He was going to murder that kid!

  Christmas Eve

  Uncle Rob's House

  10:15 P.M.

  On the first floor, Kevin stood near the double wooden doors that led to the living room. He had heard the explosion when Harry dunked his burning head in the toilet filled with paint thinner. He'd listened to the crash when Marv pulled the bag of plaster down on himself. Things were going just as planned, but now it was time to draw the bad guys upstairs. He cupped his hands over his mouth and shouted, "Don't you guys know that a kid always wins against two idiots?"

  In the bathroom where he was trying to rub the black spot off his teeth, Harry heard Kevin and quickly dashed out. In the basement, Marv threw the rope over the beams and started to pull himself up through the floor. Above, he caught a glimpse of Kevin's sneakers.

  "Harry!" he shouted. "The kid's in the living room!"

  Kevin quickly scrambled up a ladder leading through a hole in the living room ceiling. But not before Harry burst through the double doors and saw him. Harry ran to the ladder and started to follow Kevin up. He didn't know that Kevin had sawed the ladder halfway through just where it pressed against the ceiling. It was still strong enough to support a kid's weight, but not an adult's.

  Snap! Just as Harry reached the ceiling, the ladder broke in two. For a second Harry and the lower end of the ladder balanced motionless in the air. Then Whomp! Harry and the ladder slammed to the living room floor.

  Marv ran in and found his partner lying on the floor with the ladder under him. "What happened?"

  "What do you think happened?" Harry yelled angrily. "He cut the ladder."

  Meanwhile Kevin leaned over the hole in the ceiling and waved down. "Hey, guys, why don't you try the stairs?"

  Harry and Marv ran out of the room. Marv was just about to run up the stairs when Harry grabbed his arm.

  "Hold on," he whispered. "Don't you remember what happened last time?"

  Marv thought for a second. "Oh, yeah. The paint cans tied to the ropes."

  "Right. Now watch." Harry jumped on the first step and stamped his feet as if he were going up. Then he jumped back down. A second later, a paint can tied to a rope swung down the staircase.

  "OW!" Harry shouted, pretending it had hit him. Then he turned and winked at Marv. "That's one," he whispered.

  Marv chuckled, then jumped on the stairs and stamped his feet, shouting, "Don't worry, Harry, I'll get him!"

  He jumped off the steps just before the second can swung down.

  "OW!" Marv shouted, pretending he'd also been hit. Then he whispered to Harry, "That's two!"

  "Now he thinks we've both been clocked," Harry whispered back. "Let's go."

  They started to run up the stairs. At the top, Kevin waited, holding a four-foot-length of iron sewage pipe over his head. Harry and Marv saw him and froze on the steps. Kevin swung the pipe down.

  "Ahhhhhhh!" the bad guys shouted in unison.

  PWHAM! The pipe hit them.

  Thunk-a-thunk-a-thunk! They both tumbled backwards down the stairs to the first floor.

  Crash! They fell through the open beams and into the basement.

  Marv opened his eyes. He was lying on his back on the basement floor again. Dozens of little sewer pipes floated in the air above him.

  "That's three," he groaned.

  At the top of the stairs, Kevin cut the rope tied to the sewage pipe.

  Clang! Clang! Clang! The pipe banged down the stairs and teetered momentarily on the edge of the beam over the basement.

  Harry and Marv slowly got to their feet. Suddenly Harry looked up, saw the pipe, and gasped. "Don't move!"

  A split second later the pipe rolled off the beam.

  BONK! Both bad guys crashed to the basement floor again . . . with the pipe resting on their chests.

  "That's four," Marv said groggily as he lay on his back again.

  "Maybe we should've moved," Harry moaned.

  The staircase from the second to third floors had doors on either end. The doorknob was missing on the second-floor door and Kevin threaded some rope through the hole where it had been, and made a loop. He could hear the bad guys starting to climb out of the basement again.

  "Don't you guys give up?" Kevin taunted them.

  "No way!" Marv shouted as he and Harry charged up the first-floor stairs, shielding their heads with their arms in case Kevin sent down another sewage pipe.

  "You better say every prayer you ever heard, kid!" Harry yelled.

  "Yeah!" Marv added. "I hope your parents got you a tombstone for Christmas!"

  Kevin ran up to the third floor and rolled a big metal tool chest to the edge of the stairs. The tool chest was the size of a dishwasher, and he tied it to the rope that went down the stairs and through the hole in the second-floor door.

  "I'm up here and I'm really scared!" He shouted with a laugh.

  Harry and Marv stopped at the door at the bottom of the stairs. Harry grabbed for the doorknob, but got the rope loop instead. Too angry to think, he gave the rope a mighty yank. On the stairs above, the tool chest tipped over and started to clunk down the steps.

  "What the . . . ?" Harry stared at the loop of rope in his hands and the hole in the door.

  "Hey, listen." Marv pressed his ear to the door. Harry also pressed his ear to the door.

  Clank-a-clank-a-clank! The tool chest was picking up speed as it rolled down the stairs.

  "What's that sound?" Harry asked.

  WHAM! The tool chest smashed into the door, knocking it off its hinges.

  CRUNCH! The door flew backwards, crushing the bad guys into the wall.

  Clack! The door fell away, leaving Harry and Marv embedded in the wall.

  "I think," Marv moaned, "that was the sound of a tool chest falling down the stairs."

  While the bad guys pried themselves out of the wall, Kevin ran up the stairs to the roof where he'd left a long coil of thick rope soaking in a bucket of kerosene. One end of the rope was tied around a hundred-pound bag of cement. Kevin pulled on a pair of work gloves and threw the rest of the rope over the side of the building. Then he climbed over the edge of the roof and carefully lowered himself down the rope to the scaffolding beside the first floor.

  Harry and Marv staggered up the stairs.

  "I don't care if I get the chair," Harry swore as he lugged the green gym bag filled with cash. "I'm gonna kill that kid."

  "If we can catch him," Marv said.

  "We'll catch him," Harry said. "He's on the roof. Where's he gonna go?"

  "Last time he w
ent to a tree house," Marv said.

  Harry reached the top of the stairs and kicked open the roof door.

  "Surrender, kid!" he shouted, stepping out into the cold, dark night air.

  Marv looked around the roof. "I don't see him, Harry."

  "I'm down here, you morons!" Kevin shouted from the scaffolding below.

  Harry and Marv ran to the edge of the roof and looked down.

  Kevin waved and yelled. "Nice night for a neck injury!"

  "Let's get him," Marv shouted, grabbing the thick rope. But before he climbed over the roof edge, Harry slapped him on the head.

  "Are you nuts?" Harry asked. "That's exactly what he wants us to do. You got a memory?"

  "What're you talking about?" Marv asked.

  "Look." Marv pointed at the end of the rope tied to the bag of cement. "He's smart, but not smart enough. A hundred pounds of cement. It'll hold the kid. It ain't gonna hold us. We get on the rope and we'll go straight down."

  "So what do we do?" Marv asked.

  "We'll just have to disappoint the little creep." Harry untied the rope from the bag and knotted it securely around a vent pipe. Then he grabbed the rope and started to lower himself over the side of the building.

  "Harry, you're a genius," Marv said admiringly as he followed his partner over the side.

  On the scaffolding below, Kevin watched the two bad guys lower themselves down the rope alongside the brownstone. This is going to be good, he thought as he struck a kitchen match against a brick.

  Two stories above, as Marv inched down the rope, he started to smell something strange. "Hey, Harry, you wearing after-shave?"

  "What're you talking about?" Harry asked below him.

  "I smell something," said Marv.

  "That ain't after-shave." Harry stopped and took a whiff. "It's kerosene. The rope's soaked in it."

  "Why would somebody soak a rope in kerosene?'' Marv asked.

  Below them, Kevin had the answer. He held the brightly glowing match to the bottom of the rope. "Merry Christmas, guys!"

  Harry watched in horror as the bottom of the kerosene-soaked rope burst into flames. "Go up!" he screamed.

  Instantly, Marv and Harry started wriggling upward like two giant caterpillars, but the soaked rope was slippery and the flames raced up faster than the bad guys could. On the scaffolding, Kevin quickly checked to make sure the planks of wood and open cans of varnish were in position for the final bombing. Then he grabbed his backpack, jumped down to the sidewalk, and ran toward the park.

  The flames continued to streak up the rope. A second later Kevin heard screams as Marv and Harry let go and crashed down through the loose wooden planks of the scaffolding, catapulting the pails of varnish high into the air. As the bad guys landed in the small garden below the scaffolding, they stared up in horror at the thick brown plume of varnish arching above them.

  Splash! The varnish poured down, soaking them to the skin.

  CLUNK! CLUNK! They were each smashed on the head with an empty varnish can.

  CHRISTMAS EVE

  NEAR CENTRAL PARK

  10:35 P.M.

  At the corner opposite the park, Kevin ran up to a pay phone and quickly punched 911. He was out of breath and his heart was pounding. The most dangerous part of Operation Ho! Ho! Ho! was about to begin. Across the street in the park, the dark tree branches were filled with pigeons, but Kevin was too preoccupied to notice.

  "Nine-one-one," an operator answered.

  "Quick!" Kevin gasped. "The two guys that robbed Duncan's Toy Chest are in Central Park at Ninety-sixth Street! Hurry! They've got a gun!"

  Kevin hung up and looked back down the block. Marv and Harry had just crawled out of the garden in front of Uncle Rob's house. Their clothes were tattered and dripping with varnish and their heads were battered with bumps and bruises.

  "Hey! I'm down here," Kevin yelled and waved. "Come and get me before I call the cops!"

  As the bad guys started running toward him, Kevin crossed the street in front of the park entrance. He reached the curb and jumped up onto the sidewalk, not noticing a slick dark patch of ice. Whoops! He slipped and fell. The strap of his backpack tore and the bag flew a dozen feet away.

  Kevin tried to get to his feet, but the ice was slippery and he lost his balance again. He had to get the bag. Inside were the photos of the bad guys in Duncan's Toy Chest and the tape Kevin had made with the Talkboy of Marv discussing the plans for the robbery.

  As Kevin scrambled over the ice, he could hear the bad guys' footsteps coming closer. Finally he reached the bag and grabbed it. He was just turning to run into the park when he felt a hand close around his collar and yank him back.

  The next thing Kevin knew, he was staring at Harry's bruised and swollen face. The smell of varnish and burned kerosene filled his nostrils. An evil grin spread across the bad guy's cracked and blistered lips.

  "Let's go for a stroll, kid." Harry started to drag Kevin into the park. Marv followed behind, keeping an eye out for trouble.

  A few moments later, near the very same rocks where Kevin had hid earlier that night, Harry slammed him to the ground and ripped the backpack out of his hands. He opened the bag and dug out the Polaroids Kevin had taken of them robbing Duncan's Toy Chest.

  "This'Il look nice in the family album," Harry said, slipping the photos into the green gym bag filled with cash. He took out the Talkboy and pressed the "play" button. Marv's voice came out:

  "Tonight we're hittin' Duncan's Toy Chest. Five floors of cash."

  Harry glared at his partner. "Didn't I tell you to keep your mouth shut?"

  "Hey?" Marv said. "How did I know he was recording me?"

  "Well, it don't matter now," Harry said, taking out the cassette and putting it in his pocket.

  "Yeah," Marv said, looking at Kevin, who was still on the ground. "You may have won the battle, little dude. But you lost the war."

  Harry grabbed Kevin by the neck and yanked him up. "You oughtn't not mess around with us, pal. We can be dangerous."

  Kevin practically choked as Harry kept a tight grip on his throat and lifted him off the ground.

  "Want to burn his hair off?" Harry asked Marv.

  "How about we rip it off?" Marv replied.

  "Or throw him in a basement?" Harry suggested.

  "No," said Marv. "Let's bomb him with a sewer pipe."

  Harry's grip was tightening around Kevin's neck. Kicking his feet helplessly in the air, Kevin tried vainly to pry the bad guy's fingers off. Suddenly he saw something that made him stop struggling. Harry had taken out his gun.

  "I got a better idea," Harry said with a nasty grin.

  The barrel of the gun glinted in the moonlight as Harry raised it toward Kevin. Kevin's heart was pounding a mile a minute and he could hardly breathe. He was so scared he didn't notice that the trees around him were starting to fill up with pigeons.

  But Marv did. "Uh, Harry?"

  "Shut up," Harry snapped. Kevin stared straight down the barrel of the gun.

  "Maybe we better get outa here," Marv said nervously as he stared up at the trees. "Something's strange."

  "I said shut up," Harry snapped. He looked down the gun's sight at Kevin. "I never got past the sixth grade, kid. Looks like you won't either."

  Harry cocked the gun. Kevin closed his eyes and held his breath.

  Suddenly someone said, "Let him go." Kevin felt Harry's grip on his neck loosen. He opened his eyes. The pigeon lady was standing behind the bad guys with a bucket in her hands. Before Harry or Marv could react, she swung the bucket, showering them with birdseed. Most of it stuck to the varnish, making the bad guys look like two giant bird treats.

  The sound of hundreds of flapping wings filled the air as the huge flock of hungry pigeons attacked. Harry and Marv screamed and dove to the ground. In an instant they were covered by an army of pecking pigeons. Now the wailing of sirens joined the screams and flapping wings as police cars with lights flashing poured into the park and screeched to
a halt.

  A dozen policemen jumped out and surrounded the two bad guys, who were almost invisible beneath the swirling mound of pigeons feeding on them. One of the cops raised his gun and fired.

  POW! In an instant the startled pigeons were aloft, leaving the two terrified bad guys trembling on the ground. Kevin and the others stared in amazement as Harry and Marv staggered to their feet and put their hands over their heads. They were covered from head to foot with pigeon feathers.

  "Look at this." A cop had found the green gym bag. Inside was the stolen money, the photos Kevin had taken, and the cassette of Marv planning the crime. Kevin watched as Marv and Harry were handcuffed and read their rights.

  "You guys should have started a little earlier today," one of the cops said as he pushed them toward the squad car. "The prisoners have already exchanged gifts."

  "We would've started earlier," Marv started to explain. "But we had to hide out until the store closed."

  "Why don't you just shut up?" Harry shouted, and kicked Marv in the leg. "Didn't the cop just say we got the right to remain silent?"

  The cop shoved Harry into the back of the squad car. As Marv bent down to follow him into the car, he turned to the cop.

  "My partner's still a little cranky," Marv explained. "We just broke out of jail a few days ago."

  The cop pushed Marv in beside Harry. Suddenly there was a loud thumping sound and Marv yelped in pain. Then the door slammed.

  From his perch on a nearby rock, Kevin smiled. Operation Ho! Ho! Ho! was a complete success. He was just about to thank the police when he remembered that he was still wanted for credit card fraud. Maybe it was better if he just slipped away into the dark.

  Christmas Eve

  The Plaza Hotel

  11:15 P.M.

  In the extra large suite at the Plaza, Kate sat by the window, staring out into the dark New York night, wondering where her little boy was and if he was all right. Her other children were sprawled asleep on the bed and floor around her. Peter was slumped in a chair, snoring lightly. Unable to sleep, Kate sighed and looked down at the complimentary hotel magazine on her lap. It was almost midnight and she felt helpless and very, very sad.