Tell No One

by Jeff Vrolyks

  “I didn’t break our vow,” she said after a stretch of silence. “I didn’t tell anyone.”

  “I know you didn’t. It would have come back to me if you did.”

  “Can I ask you something personal? You didn’t tell me you weren’t coming back. I stopped expecting you after a few years. Did you, or do you, hate me?”

  “No. Of course not. It’s just a memory I tried to forget. Keeping my distance from Montana was a start.”

  “I wrote you letters; you didn’t respond.”

  “Really? I don’t remember that.”

  She nodded. “We had said we’d write each other, but I guess you changed your mind.”

  “That’s strange, I don’t recall ever getting a letter from you. Are you sure you had the right address?”

  “Thirteen-oh-two Piedmont Lane, San Francisco. I forget the zip code.”

  He was agape. How could she remember that?

  “I was only eleven, but it wasn’t easy getting over you. You were the first boy I kissed.”

  “I’m sure it wasn’t so bad. We only spent a few days together.”

  “I suppose it’s different for boys. A girl takes it to heart when a boy first kisses her. And you weren’t just any boy, you were a boy I really liked. The first boy I ever liked. And the last boy I liked for a long time,” she said more to herself than to him.

  “Are you trying to make me feel like an ass? If you are, it’s working.”

  “No, I’m just saying. I didn’t think I’d ever get over you. Then, when I was rarely thinking about you, I was watching ESPN and guess whose name popped up? I was sure it was another Theo Graham, but then I saw your face. There was enough resemblance for me know it was you. Plus Stanford is near San Francisco. So I had to remember you all over again, but it wasn’t so bad. I followed your football career with a lot of interest. I was hoping that you’d do well and get into the NFL. And maybe, with a little luck, we’d meet again and you’d have Brett Favre’s autograph for me.” She smiled sheepishly.

  “You wanted to see me again? That’s surprising. You looked like you couldn’t get away from me fast enough back there.”

  “Yeah, for you, not for me. I know you must not like me, you did such a good job cutting me out of your life. Not that we had much of anything, but we did have something. Something beyond a first crush and first kiss. We had a secret.”

  “Let’s not talk about that, please.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it any more than you do.”

  “Did anyone ever find the body?”

  “I thought you didn’t want to talk about it.”

  “I don’t. But I want to know that much.”

  “Not that I know of.”

  “Good.”

  “So what have you been up to besides football? Are you married? Kids?”

  “Married? Kids? I’m twenty-one!”

  “So?”

  “Oh, I forgot things are a little different out here. Normal people don’t get married and have kids before they can legally buy alcohol.”

  “Normal people,” she repeated.

  “Yes, non-Mormons.”

  “I didn’t realize we were abnormal,” she said, feelings hurt.

  “You are the definition of abnormal. Normal people believe in a religion thousands of years old, not hundreds. And normal people don’t marry more than one woman.”

  “Is your intention to humiliate me, Theodore?”

  “No. Just stating the facts.”

  “I love my family, my friends, my community. If you were brought up here you’d feel the same way as I do, would believe the same things I do.”

  “I doubt I’d believe what you do.”

  “You couldn’t possibly know that. But it doesn’t matter. I know outsiders don’t understand us.”

  “What’s there not to understand?”

  “That at the core of people we’re all the same. We want the same things, love and fear just the same, but have a different way of life. What you’re saying to me is hurting my feelings.”

  Theo ceased fishing and looked at her. He saw that she really was hurt. “I’m sorry, Carmen. I don’t think less of you and your people, just differently.”

  “Well you shouldn’t. We’re not so different.”

  “You are too different. Very different.”

  “I am not,” she whispered, and let her fly drift downstream. Her eyes were misty.

  “Carmen, you are too. You are different in that I’ve never seen a woman as beautiful as you. You’re painfully pretty.”

  “That’s mean.”

  “Mean? You think I’m kidding?”

  “If you meant it, you wouldn’t have been so honest in saying it.”

  “I guess I just kind of speak my mind. How about you, are you married? Judging by your figure, I’d guess you haven’t had kids yet.”

  She glimpsed down at her body. “Not married, no.”

  Theo wondered why she didn’t say no kids, as if she were avoiding it. “And… kids?”

  “I said I’m not married. That means no kids.”

  “Oh, that’s right. Kids out of wedlock is a huge no-no.”

  “Is it time to mock my religion again?”

  He smiled at her. She wasn’t reciprocating it. “Are you engaged or anything? A girl so pretty in a town so small must have a lot of guys following her around.”

  “Stop pretending that I’m some sort of model. I’ve been seeing a guy for about a month now. I’m lucky to have him. He treats me like a princess.”

  “Is he a Mormon, too?”

  She rolled her eyes at him.

  “I’d guess he would have to be.”

  “You’re wrong. If I loved a man who wasn’t a Mormon, I’d still see him.”

  “That’s not what I meant. I meant that being in a small town where everyone is Mormon, of course the guy you’re dating is also one.”

  “Oh. Yeah, he is.”

  “Let’s go sit down on the bank. I don’t have a mind for fishing right now.”

  They reeled in their lines and went to the narrow beach, sat down Indian style facing each other. “Let’s say you were madly in love with this guy,” Theo said. “What’s his name?”

  “Matthew, and no I’m not in love with him. Yet.”

  “Okay. Let’s say you were inexorably in love with him.”

  “Inexorably?”

  “Yeah, it means…”

  “I know what it means. I’m just surprised a jock would know that word.” She grinned at him and he humored.

  “Say you marry this man, this man of your dreams—for the sake of the argument, Matthew is the man of your dreams. How would you feel when he falls in love with another woman and marries her too?”

  She stared penetratingly into his eyes. Theo would bet that she hadn’t considered this before. “I don’t know how I would feel.”

  “I suppose you don’t, but can’t you imagine it? It wouldn’t feel so good, that your one true love has found another love.”

  “Why do you care?”

  “I don’t. But surely you must. It’s human nature to want your lover to love only you. It’s a fundamental desire, to be the only one.”

  “Maybe, I don’t know. I’ve never been in love.”

  “Once you do fall in love could you write me a letter and tell me what it feels like, knowing that your lover is free to find other women to marry?”

  “No. It’s none of your business. And besides, you don’t respond to my letters.”

  “I don’t mean to offend you,” he said, disregarding that last remark. “I’m just curious is all. It doesn’t seem fair to me that men can marry multiple women but women can’t marry multiple men. Shouldn’t men and women be equal.”

  “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

  “You father only has the one wife, your mother, correct?”

  “Yes. Plural marriages aren’t for everyone, they aren’t mandatory.”

  “Maybe your dad loves you
r mom so much that he couldn’t fathom being with another woman?”

  “Yes, that’s what I think.”

  “And that’s what you want to think; who wouldn’t? I don’t think you have anything to worry about, Carmen. Whoever you end up with will have it all, in you and you alone.”

  “You don’t need to flatter me. Is this who you’ve become? A playboy, feeding girls lines to win them over?”

  “I hope not.” He thought about all the girls he had dated over the years, and typically how short their relationships lasted, usually a night or two. “I don’t want to be.”

  “Good. You’re better than that.”

  Theo reminded Carmen that she was his first kiss, too.

  “Does that mean you’ll never forget me?” she said hopefully, threw a tiny pebble at his chest.

  “Of course I won’t.” Though he had done a pretty good job trying.

  “I mean, even if what happened in the mine didn’t happen, would you remember me forever?”

  “My ‘of course’ was already under those terms. Yes, I’ll never forget. My dad was right, I think. Eleven is far too young to be in love, but I was in love with you. It’s amazing how lost memories can return so abruptly.”

  Her cheeks were red. “I’m glad you felt it, too. I wonder what might have happened had things wound up differently, if we hadn’t taken the cart for a ride.”

  “Hmm.” He met eyes with her. “Take your hair out of the pony-tail.”

  “Why?” He didn’t reply. She pulled the scrunchy from her hair. Blonde locks slung down around her cheeks in feathers. She shook her head, throwing them away from her face.

  “Let’s see,” he mused. “It’s a fun what-if. Had we not done what we did, I guess we’d have remained friends, sent each other letters…”

  “I did send you letters. Several over the years. You didn’t return them.”

  “We’d see each other a month every year. Maybe as we grew older, we’d have been a little shy around the other because of hormones. Maybe we’d have fallen in love for real. Maybe I wouldn’t have had countless relationships that didn’t work. Maybe when I was playing Oregon in the Fiesta Bowl you’d have been on the sideline cheering me on.”

  She smiled so broadly that it exposed her teeth. Theo thought they were perfect, but remembered they weren’t so bad crooked, either.

  “I think I would have been,” she said. “And you’d introduce me to all those handsome football players.”

  He laughed. “Anyone in particular?”

  “No. All of them.”

  “You aren’t as innocent as I thought.”

  “I usually am. I like football, what can I say? And the players, of course.”

  “I don’t know what surprises me more, that I ran into you today or that I’m glad I did.”

  “You know how many times I’ve hugged you in my imagination?” She said.

  “How many?” Theo was touched.

  “Hundreds. Thousands.”

  “You like hugs?”

  She shook her head. “No. I love them.”

  “From anybody?”

  She nodded. “But especially from you.”

  It had been an emotional half-hour for Theo, and he supposed that was the reason her words affected him like they did. He felt his eyes prickle and willed away the emotion. He stood up, brushed the sand from his butt. She did the same, assuming what was about to happen. He stepped forward and enveloped her in his arms. She rested her head on his shoulder, bringing to life a much frequented fantasy of hers.

  Through the hug he said, “Why don’t you come over to the cabin tonight, have dinner with us?”

  “I’d love to,” she said. They ended the hug. Her eyes closed when she remembered something. “Shoot. I have plans tonight.”

  “Break ‘em.” When she didn’t reply, he surmised what the plans might be. “With Matthew.”

  “I’ll tell him something came up. How often do I get to see you? Never. I’ll come over.”

  “Great. If you don’t mind, I’ll add your trout to my two and we’ll have them tonight.”

  “Okay.”

  “Let’s head back.”

  Chapter Five

  Carmen followed the directions to the cabin, parked behind the Ford truck that had passed her by earlier that day unawares. She wore a long red dress and black coat, hair in gentle curls. There could be no doubt she put much consideration in her appearance for this evening. She had a homemade peach pie, baked at her folks’ house a couple hours prior. James hobbled to the door and let her in. He gave her a brief hug and candid smile, took her pie and coat. He said Theo was just getting out of the shower, take a seat.

  The two sat on the couch and spoke of hunting. She said she hadn’t gone in a couple years but her father still went several times a year. In fact, they had a deep-freezer full of both deer meat and bear meat. She promised she’d bring some meat over before they left so they could try bear meat. He appreciated it. A timer buzzed in the kitchen and James got up. Theo came into the room and told him to keep his seat, that he’d take care of the trout. Carmen sat at the edge of the couch primly, hands folded in her lap. She thought Theo looked quite handsome in his tan Dockers and black turtle-neck sweater.

  “You’re early,” he said.

  “Yes, sorry.”

  “You apologize an awful lot for someone who has nothing to be sorry for. Can I get you a glass of wine or a beer?”

  “I don’t drink. Water would be fine, thank you.”

  She followed him into the kitchen, which was open and only fifteen feet from the main-room couch. Theo would have preferred privacy, but wasn’t likely to get it in this small cabin. Theo opened the oven and removed the casserole dish lined with trout. Carmen impulsively checked the corn simmering on the range, then stirred the rice pilaf.

  Theo stood at her side, lifted the skin from the trout to check the meat, and it appeared done. As Carmen’s attention remained fixed on the rice, he checked over to his dad, who was amid a text, probably to Mom, and stole a quick kiss on her cheek. She gasped slightly, rounded to face him, eyes wide with surprise. At that moment he did it again, only on the lips. She pulled away reflexively. Theo remained, eyes probing hers. She glanced down to his lips, then eyes.

  “Why?” she whispered, then shot a glance over her shoulder to James.

  He matched her volume. “You’re so tense, and polite. I want you to relax, and I thought a kiss would do that.”

  “You sully the purpose of a kiss then.”

  “I…” he had no retort. He exhaled. “You’re right. But it wasn’t just that. I wanted to.”

  “Well don’t. We’re not together. You can’t cut me out of your life and then ten years later pretend we’ve never been apart. I’m sorry if I am tense, I’ll try to be more relaxed. But please don’t sneak kisses.”

  Theo judged he deserved the admonishment. He wasn’t accustomed to it, and that was a sure way to become cocky and arrogant. He’d be wise to ground himself from time to time, and Carmen seemed willing to do just that.

  They set the table together and brought the dishes of food over. The three sat around the table, bowed their heads in prayer. James said grace. Amen.

  “So what do you do, Carmen?” James said as he dumped a scoop of rice pilaf onto his plate.

  “I work with Doctor Gerhart. He’s the town doctor. Small place, we’re the only two there. I’ve been working there for over two years now, and am studying to get my degree.”

  “Oh yeah?” James said. “Degree in what?”

  “I wanted to be teacher at one time, but since working with Doctor Gerhart, he’s inspired and encouraged me to get a degree in medicine.”

  “No kidding?” Theo said. “My sister graduates in a year from Pitt. She’ll be a doctor.”

  “Yep,” she said.

  Theo thought she sounded like she knew that, somehow. “Yep? You didn’t know that… did you?”

  “Mhmm. They did a thirty minute piece on you
on ESPN 2 just before the Heisman award was announced. They mentioned a little about your family. Jessica, right?”

  Theo gave James a how-about-that glance, then said, “How do you go to college in such a small town? There are no colleges around.”

  “Internet classes. Once I have my bachelors I’ll have to actually go to a university. So that means leaving Cedar Hills for six years, or seven if you count my residency.”

  “Wow,” Theo said. “A doctor. That’s so cool.” He cut a piece of fish and added, “I’m impressed. You don’t see too many hot doctors, you know?”

  “Theodore,” James chided.

  Carmen lowered her head and giggled.

  “Seriously, there aren’t. They’re usually brainy and nerdy and nerds are seldom hot.”

  “And jocks seldom use the word seldom,” Carmen said.

  “What’s with your hang up on my word selection?” Theo said. “And how would you know? It’s not like Cedar Hills is teeming with athletes.”

  “I watch TV. I read books. Jocks are dumb.” She winked at him.

  “I suppose most are. I’m not that bright, I just read a book or two from time to time. And Stanford isn’t a bad place for an education, you know?”

  “I thought colleges handed out degrees to athletes if they can spell their name correctly on test-day?”

  Theo gave his father a look, one that said, ‘Can you believe this crap? See what I have to put up with?’ “If that’s the case, honeybunch, I’ve been doing a lot of studying for nothing.”

  Carmen and James laughed.

  “So what’s it like working at the doctor office?” Theo inquired. “Not a lot of business, I’d imagine. A town of three thousand.”

  “It’s closer to four thousand nowadays. But yeah, it’s mostly slow. We are also a pharmacy, and the doctor even sees animals sometimes. We have no veterinarian. Doctor Gerhart is a man with many hats.” As an afterthought she added, “Though they’re all the same hat, an old black Stetson he loves to wear. He thinks it makes him tough, I think.”

  “Does he do surgery?”

  “Minor stuff, yes. Anything major and people go to Helena. There’s a lot of down-time in the office. The doctor is great at gossip, town gossip. So we tell each other what we’ve heard, though most of what he hears I also hear, sharing a small office with him. Want to hear something funny?” The guys nodded as they ate. She set her fork down. “A few months ago, as the college bowl games were gearing up, the doctor and I were talking about them and the Fiesta Bowl came up.” She saw the interest in Theo’s eyes. “He was sure Oregon was going to wallop Stanford. He said Stanford’s defense couldn’t handle such a high powered offense.”