Waer

by Meg Caddy

  Movement increased. I could not focus on all the shadowy figures, but I knew Melana could. I raised my eyes to watch her face. The mirth had died there, replaced by otherworldly peace. When she spoke, her voice dragged and slurred. Shadows weighed on her tongue.

  ‘Many perished. Many fled.’

  I forced myself to be patient.

  ‘The soldiers came with fire and silver.’ Her head drooped forwards, and shadows wreathed her head. She droned on. ‘They took lives, and they took prisoners.’ The black shapes writhed, gathered together, scattered again. ‘Eight-seven. Eighty-seven prisoners. Men, and women, and children.’

  ‘I need names, Mother.’

  ‘Mmm.’ Her head whipped back, eyes flaring black. I scooted away from her. Her voice was deep and resonant. ‘Sencha.’

  Frustration turned my stomach. ‘I know this already, Mother. Sencha walks with me. I know he survived. Who else?’ She shuddered. The pillar of shadows moved. Darkness fell away, and a figure emerged. I stared, then caught my breath, understanding. Sencha. She was not speaking about Lowell.

  One of the other Senchas had survived.

  ‘Go, daughter.’ Melana’s eyes, hooded and dilated, found me again. The shadows dissipated. She appeared old, now. Tired. I felt a stir of pity for her. She, like the other Watchers, was a slave to her own power. ‘You have truths to tell, and vengeance to seek. I will join you on the road to Caerwyn.’

  I was breathless by the time I reached the Den. Sweating and shaking. I knew what I had to tell him: the best and the worst things I knew. I pushed open the door and stepped inside. Stopped beyond the threshold. I could not will myself to go on. My stomach turned.

  I leaned against the wall and breathed. The scents of the Own came to me, gentle and comforting. They grounded me and dragged my mind from Caerwyn. I was in Luthan. I made my own choices.

  Forcing my legs to move, I went to my room. The door was open, and through the crack I could see Lowell Sencha. He was cross-legged on his pallet, and Mitri sat opposite him. They spoke of weapons and strategy. I knocked, then pushed the door open. Mitri grinned at me.

  ‘How was the Wytch?’ he asked.

  ‘In fine form,’ I told him. ‘She’s on-side. She marches with us to Caerwyn.’

  Mitri whooped, and Lowell’s face broke into a smile. I could not match their expressions. My head was spinning. I gripped the door-frame. It was hard to keep my balance.

  ‘I need to speak to Wolf.’

  Mitri and Lowell exchanged a quick look, then Mitri stood and passed me to leave the room. I released the door-frame and took his place opposite Lowell, my legs grateful for the rest. Lowell waited, ever patient, and I fought a fresh surge of horror. I had not realised how I had come to lean upon his calm and his quiet acceptance. I was going to lose it now.

  ‘My mother had many things to tell me, and now I have two things to tell you. One is terrible for me to speak of. The other, I think will bring you much comfort. I want to speak of the most difficult first, Lowell. I…’ My hands were shaking, and my voice caught.

  Lowell reached over and took my hands in his.

  ‘There is no need for haste,’ he said.

  His hands were warm and gentle. A comfort. I closed my eyes and began. ‘Hemanlok sent me to Caerwyn to find out if Leldh was one of the Kudhienn. To discover his plans, and to know his strengths. I was young, Lowell. I was just fifteen.’ He nodded. ‘Too young,’ he said. ‘Hemanlok never should have sent you.’

  ‘I managed, for a month. I played my part. I had a false name. I pretended to be one of Leldh’s soldiers. I spoke to prisoners, gathered information and stole things. It seemed to be a success, but someone was watching me. A soldier named Cooper. He took an instant dislike to me, and it grew as the month went on. Distrust led to outright suspicion. On the night of my departure, he caught me.’ Hard to breathe. ‘He caught me.’

  Lowell squeezed my hand. I wanted to pull away. I wanted to run.

  ‘At first, they locked me away, and I thought they would kill me or leave me there. But…I was supposed to meet Hemanlok a week later, just out of the mountains. If they decided to keep me prisoner, I thought he would come for me, get me out in time. I waited.’ Four tight walls. The smell of blood. Hunger possessed me. ‘It was two months before they brought me in front of Leldh.’

  ‘Hemanlok never came for you.’

  ‘He couldn’t. Not without the other two Watchers. Outside of Luthan he lacks the power, unless they are there to help him. Melana refused.’

  ‘Why would she refuse? You are her daughter.’

  ‘Her motives are her own. Impossible to say whether it was out of cruelty, or whether she felt her interference at that time would upset the Balance. Either way, I was left there. When no one came for me, I figured Leldh would kill me, but he had other things in mind. The torture began then.’ Fire, iron, deprivation. ‘I lost my mind, Wolf. I could not withstand it. I told them everything.’

  He was pale. ‘I am sorry, Lycaea.’ The pity in his eyes seared me. ‘You do not have to speak of it.’

  ‘I have to. You have to know.’ My throat closed over. ‘I thought they wanted information from me, but they wanted more than that. They wanted servitude.’ I drew a slow breath. ‘When Daeman decides he wants you,’ I said, keeping my voice low, ‘there is nothing you can do about it. And the torture removes any essence of you. Your old life and beliefs fade. And once they are gone, there is a space inside of you.’ I stopped, my mouth working soundlessly for an instant before I pressed on. ‘Daeman filled that space with something loathe-some. I resisted for as long as I could. But eventually, it was easier to not feel anymore. I shed my name, and my allegiance to Hemanlok. Leldh came to know me by the name I had assumed for my cover. It was his own little mockery of my failure.’

  Understanding crept across Lowell’s features. His hands were a dead weight on mine, limp and lifeless. I forced the words out. I could let there be no doubt in his mind.

  ‘I was Daeman’s torturer. I was Kaebha, Lowell. I was Kaebha.’

  Lowell

  Her hands were cool and clammy beneath mine. She sat with her legs crossed. Her hair, unkempt and unevenly grown back, strayed across her brow. Her green eyes were fixed on me, red-rimmed and hard in her angular face. Colour blotched her skin. I watched as sweat beaded on her forehead and tracked along her temple. The woman I had come to care for, and yet did not know at all. Lycaea. Kaebha. Daeman Leldh’s torturer. A woman who had murdered people. Broken them with pain and fear.

  I withdrew my hands. She sucked in a breath. My chest was tight with grief.

  ‘You tortured people. You tortured waer.’

  ‘Yes.’ She spoke between her teeth.

  ‘You killed innocent people.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You served the man who slaughtered my family.’

  Her head jerked up. ‘Wolf. Your family…’

  ‘No. No.’ I stood. ‘Lycaea. Kaebha. You served the man who slaughtered my family. Who destroyed my home.’

  She shook her head. ‘I just wanted it to stop. Wolf, there’s something else. I need to talk to you about your family.’

  ‘Do not change the subject.’ My voice was harsher than it had ever been. Lycaea pressed her lips so tight, they whitened. I could not keep my words steady. ‘I trusted you. I thought you were one of us.’

  ‘I told you I wasn’t.’ She rose. She kept her hands at her sides, bunched into fists. ‘I told you, Wolf. I am a waer, but I will never be one of your people.’ Her voice dropped. ‘It was as if I watched myself doing these things, and could not prevent it. As if Kaebha truly was another person, wearing my skin.’ Her eyes were haunted. Distant. ‘I’m not trying to justify it. I know there’s no forgiveness for this.’

  ‘What changed you?’

  ‘I was supposed to head the attack on Luthan, along with Cooper. When he told me, I broke. I became myself again. I ran. His men pursued me to the river, and I jumped.’

  �
�Who knows?’

  ‘Hemanlok. My mother. I think Moth and Dodge guessed. You are the first person I have told. Hemanlok only found out because my mother told him.’ She rallied, stood taller. ‘I know what I did. There’s no denying it or escaping from it. But I’m trying to make it right. I’ll do anything to make it right.’

  ‘You cannot.’ Impossible to meet her gaze. I imagined I could smell the blood on her hands. Murderer. Torturer.

  ‘Perhaps not. But I can ensure it never happens again. That’s why I’m going to Caerwyn, Lowell. I will put an end to this.’ She reached out a hand, held it steady. ‘I swear. But Wolf, you have to listen to me. Melana told me something else.’

  I shook my head, and the words died on her lips. I could hear nothing more from her.

  ‘Will you at least hear me out?’

  ‘I will not. I am sorry, Lycaea. More sorry than I can say.’ I walked out, and closed the door behind me. I heard something hit the door on the other side and shatter. Mitri rounded the corner and stared.

  ‘What was that?’ he asked. I shook my head and pushed past him. The tunnels and caves of the Debajo were suddenly oppressive. I wanted fresh air, and forests, and mountains. I wanted to go home.

  In the days following I moved out of Lycaea’s room, and shared instead with Mitri. He talked in his sleep, and kept strange hours. When morning rolled along, I was always exhausted. I had been training with various members of the Own instead of Lycaea. It was days until the army left Luthan, and I still did not feel ready.

  I avoided Lycaea, and would not let her speak to me. She said she had pressing information for me, but I could neither trust her nor stand to be around her. It hurt. Somewhere in the darkness of the Debajo, I had to acknowledge how I felt about her. And I could not reconcile those feelings with the knowledge of what she had done. Perhaps she was no longer Kaebha, but Kaebha would always be staring at me out of Lycaea’s gaze now. Lurking beneath the surface. I knew now, what I had seen during our flight from the Valley. When we killed the soldiers. When she attacked Dodge. Kaebha had never truly left, and I doubted she would.

  To my relief, the Own busied itself with preparations for battle, and I was swept away with those plans. We met with soldiers and Rogues, trained relentlessly, and watched as the men and women of the city were mobilised. It was a rare occasion, I was told, that Rogues and lawmen worked together openly, but a truce of sorts had been called. It was clear Kirejo had received the confirmation he had been seeking. Daeman Leldh was now a declared danger, and we would face him together. To what end, I could not predict. It seemed impossible we could succeed against such a man; unthinkable that we should lose.

  The night before Luthan’s army left the city, I climbed the stairs and sat on top of the Den. I would march with them, among Kirejo’s soldiers and Hemanlok’s Rogues. I tried to prepare my mind for the conflict ahead. I knew I might have to kill. I would certainly have to fight. I might not even be able to recover any of my people. What were the chances they were still alive? What if Leldh had found them as malleable as Lycaea? I could not stand the thought of them being turned against one another. Turned against innocent people.

  ‘Lad?’

  Wincing, I moved aside from the ladder to let Dodge up. I did not want the company, but I would never turn the storyteller away. He sat beside me. Our legs dangled over the side. If I reached up, I could brush the roof of the cavern with my fingertips. My hands rested on my knees, useless. They felt like the rest of me. Heavy. Tired.

  Dodge puffed out his cheeks and sighed. ‘Heard it all through the Den, you know,’ he said. ‘Not what Lycaea said, but what you said. I havena heard you speak like that before, lad.’

  ‘Did Moth tell you about Kaebha?’

  ‘Aye. She’d heard rumours from chipre-folk about a woman named Kaebha. Pieced it together and told me before we arrived in the Valley. We werena sure, but the journey somewhat confirmed it.’

  ‘You never said.’

  ‘One of the great secrets of storytelling, lad, is knowing when a tale isna yours to tell.’

  I wanted to remind him this was no tale; this was my life, and Lycaea’s, and nothing seemed whole or complete any more. In the Valley, Dodge’s stories had opened my world and made everything seem so much bigger. Now, they were reductive. They were small and trite by comparison.

  We sat together without talking for a while. Though I had resented his presence, I found myself easing in his company. I knew he expected nothing from me. He was there to comfort, not to confront.

  ‘Do you think she has changed?’ I asked, when the time felt right.

  ‘I dinna think she much cares what I think, lad. She cares what you think. But for what it’s worth, aye. I dinna think she’ll ever go back to what she was in there. She’s trying hard, Lowell.’

  ‘I do not mean to cause her pain,’ I said. ‘But Dodge.’ I shook my head. ‘What can I say to her? What can I do? She has so much blood on her hands.’

  He sighed. ‘When I first found out about Moth…’ He lifted a shoulder. ‘She’s lived so many lifetimes. She’s done bad things. She canna hurt anyone, of course, as the Healer, but indirectly she’s done terrible damage. And she’s wise, and has seen empires rise and fall. For a long time, it seemed knowledge of her past changed who she was in the present. As if I didna know her any more. I was angry. Her entire existence made me feel…small. Insignificant. Her world was too big, and if I shared her life I would have to step into that world.’

  ‘What changed?’

  He smiled. ‘I realised I didna mind a bigger world.’

  I tried to imagine how it felt, to be in love with someone bound to outlive you. Possibly by hundreds of years. To have no chance for children, even though they both wanted them. I felt an ache of sadness for the Derrys.

  He rested a hand on my shoulder. ‘She begged me to come up here and speak with you tonight.’ I knew he was not talking about Moth. ‘Not on her behalf, though. She had sommat else she wanted me to say.’ I frowned at him. He took a slow breath. ‘You need to brace yourself, lad.’

  ‘What do you mean? What does she want?’

  ‘When Lycaea went to Melana, she didna just ask for the Dealer to come with us to Caerwyn. She made another deal, as well.’

  I shivered. I did not like the sound of it. ‘What sort of a deal?’

  ‘An information trade, of sorts. Lycaea would tell you about Kaebha, and in return Melana would tell her about survivors in the Valley.’

  I faced him. I was mute. Dodge took my shoulders. He held them tight.

  ‘Lad,’ he said. He opened his mouth and spoke, but I could not hear him above the roaring in my ears. I could see his mouth moving, but I could not connect with the words. I was conscious of my hands shaking and my eyes stinging, but I could not fathom why.

  Somehow, we managed to descend the ladder and the stair, and to get into the Den. Dodge steered me inside and sat me in the kitchen. Moth was there in a moment, crouched in front of me with her hands on my knees. She repeated Dodge’s words. Over and over again, until they sank in and I could work my mind around them.

  Kemp is alive. Your brother is alive.

  Words finally made it from my heart to my mouth. ‘Alive? Alive? How? Where? Alive?’

  Moth brushed tears from her own cheeks, then from mine.

  ‘We do not know,’ she said. ‘We think he was captured with the other waer. Leldh may just have him at Caerwyn. But he is assuredly alive, Lowell. We can rescue him. We can get him back.’

  Alive.

  ‘Is he hurt?’

  ‘I do not know.’ She gripped my hands. ‘If he is wounded, I will heal him if I can. Our focus now must be on Caerwyn, and the days ahead.’ She kissed my forehead.

  I caught Lycaea’s scent, and turned my head. She stood at the door. Her eyes were a mystery to me. When she saw me looking her way, she retreated.

  Lycaea

  The nightmares worsened as the day of our march grew closer. I struggled to s
leep. I was afraid all the time. In the end, I had to ask for Moth’s help. She provided dreamless sleep. I tried to get through the days without thinking of Kaebha, or what lay ahead. I trained with Hemanlok and the Own. They were kinder now. Whether Hemanlok had spoken to them or not I did not know, but they followed his lead. They were beginning to accept me into their rank once more.

  I left Lowell Sencha alone. He was justified in his retreat and I did not have the time to smooth things over with him. On the day before we marched out, I told Dodge and Moth what Melana had shown me, and they relayed it to Lowell. I meant to stay away even then, but I could not help standing in the kitchen doorway while he absorbed the news. He wept, and the Derrys comforted him. I backed away, and did not disturb them.

  The Den was silent the next morning. Usual routine had been put on hold, and Hemanlok had ordered everyone to sleep. For once, I had not allowed Moth to dull my mind into slumber. I rested for a few hours, then went to the training room. It was dim and cool there. I lit the lanterns surrounding the sawdust ring and took up my staff. I would bring both staff and sword to Caerwyn, but over the past few years I had excelled in the latter and neglected the former. Leldh called the staff a ‘Rogues’ weapon’, and would not have his soldiers using one. I stretched, warmed my muscles, and started to drill. The staff was worn and comfortable in my hands. I started slow, then forced my movements to gain pace. It would not do for killing Leldh, of course, but it might be enough to keep me alive until then. More importantly, it might keep me myself until then.

  The thought of being under Kaebha’s control again made my movements falter. I was capable of so much damage. Evil.

  I set my teeth and spun my staff. I worked until my body was covered in a sheen of sweat, and my muscles had eased out from the day before. The boards by the door creaked and I turned, heart pounding. Hemanlok stood in the threshold. He walked in, took his own stave, and drilled with me. We did not speak I needed to stop for water.