Watch Your Junk and Other Advice for Expectant Fathers

by Benjamin Wallace

  People, mostly aunts and grandparents, are going to all but wet themselves when this happens, and if you ask them why, they won’t be able to tell you. Maybe it’s because this is the first milestone that babies reach after the whole meconium thing, but no one acted anything like this when the kid first crapped.

  Just like dogs turning around before they nap or licking themselves before they kiss you, it is an instinctual behavior ingrained in people to overreact when a baby first rolls over. It’s just something everyone has done since anyone can remember, so they continue the tradition of getting all giddy for no good reason.

  Just go with it, it’s not the dumbest thing people do.

  SMILING BACK

  Tiny babies smile for a lot of reasons. Farting mostly. But, as they grow older their smiles become genuine reactions to outside stimuli. This includes everything from the dog farting to things that you do. This is a great opportunity for you. You now have an unwilling ally in the fight for being right all the time. Everyone knows that a silent smile is a sign of agreement and that any person that argues with a baby is going to look like an idiot.

  I personally don’t approve of baby talk or using funny voices when speaking to a child of any age. I think it’s condescending and makes kids grow up stupid. This is one of the many issues I have with Elmo. But, if you’re using it to manipulate a child to help make your point, I’m totally for it.

  If you find yourself losing an argument, just turn to your baby and say, “He/she agrees with me. Don’t they?” in your best silly voice while making a silly face. Instant agreement. Of course, anyone can turn the baby to their side of the argument by looking like a complete idiot, so you need to make sure you do it first.

  IT’S BACK ON

  It’s time to start the music. It’s time to dim the lights. It’s time to get things started on your lovely wife tonight.

  What? You need more? You’re doctor approved.

  Go, go, go.

  Just take it slow. There’s a good chance you may have forgotten what you’re doing.

  FOCUS

  For the first couple of months your child’s eyes will look just like your stoner buddy’s from college. Their eyes dart around the room as if they’re taking everything in but in reality they can’t see more than a few inches in front of their face.

  Within a few months, this focus improves greatly and their ability to see everything will lead you to ask, “Is my child ready for TV?”

  Yes. It is never really too young to open your child to the world of great entertainment. There is also a narrow window of opportunity to show them awesome movies before they can actually comprehend what is happening and you’re forced to watch only kids programming. I still have fond memories of watching First Blood with my three-month-old. He loved it. We bonded.

  As they get older it will be more difficult to pick movies that entertain you and the child. I’ve always found it easy to watch stuff with my boys. They’ve got some pretty good taste. My daughter, however, is all about princesses.

  Even as a baby they will be surrounded by the princesses. And they’ll grow up wanting to watch princess movies. Princess movies suck. There is no avoiding it.

  Don’t worry. I’ve done some of the legwork and found a few princess movies that don’t suck. Here they are for when that day comes:

  MOVIES WITH PRINCESSES THAT DON’T SUCK

  STAR WARS

  This is an easy one, but it gets you six hours of electronic babysitting and you’ve got a princess the whole time.

  Then, if you’re willing to expose your children to the prequels, you can pop in Episodes I-III. You’ll most likely get through all of them before your daughter realizes that Padme was only a queen in the first movie. In the second two she is merely a senator. This is because the citizens of Naboo elect their queen. They elected Padme a queen at fifteen years old, which kind of makes you realize that any planet that stupid deserved to have its ass invaded by robots.

  No matter what order you chose to watch them, the first few minutes of Episode IV introduces us to Princess Leah and there’s your daughter’s princess.

  What my daughter thought: She’ll watch them again with no argument.

  WILLOW

  You remember Willow. Trolls, brownies, human skull faceplates, wizards, witches, crossbows, swords, Val Kilmers, Billy Bartys. And they all collide in a struggle of good vs. evil. Evil wants to destroy a baby. Good is not so into the baby destroying thing.

  That baby, who plays little more than the MacGuffin, is Princess Elora Danan. And, there’s your daughter’s princess.

  What my daughter thought: She liked it but the whole skull faceplate thing may have been a little much. Also the moat monster looks more like a scrotum than you remember.

  SHANGHAI NOON

  Jackie Chan, a Chinese Imperial Guard travels to the Old West and uses Old West ladders to beat up on outlaws. Owen Wilson plays Owen Wilson and everyone has a good time.

  And why does Jackie Chan travel to the Old West?

  To save the Emperor’s daughter, Princess Pei-Pei. And, there’s your daughter’s princess.

  What my daughter thought: If any of my kids didn’t like Jackie Chan movies I’d have to start asking my wife some pretty hard questions about the fucking milkman. They loved it.

  THE PRINCESS BRIDE

  I get special joy in pulling this one off. Because, even though Robin Wright plays one of the most annoying characters in this movie, and even though it’s called the Princess Bride, there’s not a single princess in the entire movie.

  She’s a farmer’s daughter who would have been a princess had she married what’s his name. But she didn’t. So she wasn’t.

  The rest of the movie makes up for the sham title. But my daughter never even questioned this one for a second. She was convinced she was watching a princess movie despite it centering on not quite Princess Buttercup.

  What my daughter thought: She loved this one. Doesn’t everyone?

  SUPERMAN/BATMAN APOCALYPSE

  Let me start by saying that my knowledge of DC's characters is limited. Long ago I decided to raise my kids Marvel and left anything they picked up about Superman and Flash to be explained as, that's the Flash, he's fast, or that's Superman, he's a loser. This, combined with the fact that DC seems to rewrite its characters’ histories all the time, left me in the dark as much as the kids.

  Anyway, in Apocalypse, Super Girl, Superman's cousin, comes to Earth. Batman wants to be mean to her, Wonder Woman wants to train her and Superman wants to shelter her. But, no one cares to ask what SG wants and there is a super powered hissy fit thrown.

  Then Darkseid shows up and takes her to the planet Apocalypse, so the heroes track down a chick named Big Barda who can help them and they go there and fight lots of women with whips and someone named Granny Goodness who, I think, is supposed to be a woman, but looks manly and is voiced by Ernest Borgnine. They win and take boom tubes home and then fight Darkseid again and then it was over.

  Okay, forget all the things I don't understand in that paragraph above; Batman was in it, and Batman is cool. They spend a lot of time on Wonder Woman’s island with Amazonians in togas, and overall the movie was pretty entertaining.

  Oh, and did I mention Wonder Woman? Princess of the Amazons? And, there’s your daughter’s princess.

  What my daughter thought: She thought she was watching a princess movie the entire time.

  VOLTRON

  You remember the lions. You remember that they formed a giant robot. You remember that robot had a bad-ass sword. Do you remember Princess Allura, the ruler of the Kingdom of Altair?

  No? She flew the Blue Lion, Voltron’s right leg. And there’s your daughter’s princess.

  What my daughter thought: She won’t fall for this one again.

  KRULL

  The Beast and his army of Slayers invade the planet Krull in a black castle that is also a spaceship. Despite this amazing leap in technology, they still use swords for some
reason. To defeat The Beast, the hero must first obtain the Glaive, an ancient bladed weapon with six prongs that was probably bought at a flea market or truck stop. Then he must travel, like, eight or nine places to find out where the castle is. He teams up with a Cyclops and thieves, a seer and some weird shape changer.

  They ride on Fire Mares—horses that run so fast that their hooves light on fire and they can fly.

  Once at the palace, he confronts The Beast and uses the Glaive which proves ineffective. Through the power of love, he turns his hand into a flame thrower and defeats The Beast all to save Princess Lyssa. And there’s your daughter’s princess.

  What my daughter thought: I'm just playing around here. I wouldn't show my kids this piece of crap.

  SITTING UP

  Congratulations, your child is now a threat to itself and others. The ability to roll over is nothing compared to the destructive capabilities of an infant that can’t control its own legs.

  Imagine this, you’re holding your sweet and innocent child like you have a hundred times before. You’re sitting down and supporting your pride and joy to make it look like they are standing and then WHAM—baby cranium to the bridge of your nose.

  And the spasms don’t come one at a time. Two more quick kicks of those developing legs and you’re hit in the chin and eye socket. Your little baby has now beaten you up. A baby’s ability to kick your ass is tremendously underestimated and they play to this. They lull you in with a false sense of chubbiness before launching like a baby shaped rocket right into your face.

  This is why new parents look tired and beaten. Those rings under their eyes aren’t from a lack of sleep, it’s the parental abuse barely peeking out from under the concealer. Ask them what happened and they’ll dodge the question. Maybe they’ll tell you that they fell down. They’ll tell you everything except, “My baby beat me up,” because it’s embarrassing. But, it happens to the best of us.

  These assaults will take place for the next few months and only become worse in both frequency and intensity. Their heads will only get harder and their legs will only get stronger, your only hope is to predict their attacks and then hand them to a loved one.

  The child has nothing against you; they are just acting upon an instinct that is placed in every child. Cave babies knew that more children meant fewer resources. Since that time, babies will do everything in their limited power to stop you from having more children. That being said ...

  WATCH YOUR JUNK

  Every child should come with a cup because your junk is in mortal danger from the minute they arrive. Once a baby has tried and failed to kill you using the head butt/baby rocket method, they will resort to destroying your ability to reproduce. This means constant strikes, steps and stomps to your manhood.

  You may think it gets better as they grow older. That’s because you believe in an inherent good nature in people. That will come to change. Man, in his natural state, is evil, and it is only through diligent parenting that any of us turn out the least bit good. You see, as kids get older, they get taller. Their fists and head are junk high. This means that the weak limbed baby stomp of infancy has become a full on running head butt to your crotch.

  Also, because they’re small, you don’t see them coming. Every day, you’re on guard for an attack, but the little buggers fly beneath radar and Kamikaze head first into every hope you had at giving them a sibling.

  Watch your junk, man. There may be some upsides to not having more kids, but I’m sure it’s a call you and your wife would like to make yourselves. Plus, it hurts.

  You might figure that since they already have a sibling that twins might go easy on your junk. Nope. Twice the kids makes them twice as desperate to make sure you never have any more. If there is an upside, it’s that if you get hit in the junk by one kid and turn in pain, only to get hit in the junk by another kid, and you get the whole thing on camera, you could win America’s Funniest Home Videos.

  TEETHING

  Never trust a teething baby. Love it. Cherish it. Dote on it. Promise to buy it a pony. But never, ever trust it.

  They’re not going to make it easy for you. About this time they are also sitting up and smiling at you. Then they do that cute thing where they reach out for you and coo. They smile, carefully hiding any teeth they may have cut already. You can’t resist this and they know it, so you reach for your pride and joy—like an idiot.

  You hug your child as you have a hundred times before. They’ll smile once more and put their head on your shoulder. About this time you’re hoping that your wife has the camera nearby. This is a moment you know cannot last forever, but even if it could live on in a photograph you could savor the warmth of the child’s breath on your neck and the weak embrace of their tiny hands; hands that can barely grasp a rattle but still somehow manage to hold all of your future hopes and dreams.

  You fall into the tiny embrace and then the kid sinks his teeth into your neck. This is pain. Pain you can’t really describe. Physically it’s blinding like being stabbed with a standard screwdriver by Sampson before he got his bangs trimmed. Emotionally, the pain is worse. Betrayal, treason, turned on by your own blood. A thousand emotions run through your head as your pride and joy attempts to rend the flesh from your shoulder.

  You scream in pain and confusion. You begin to think your child is evil, some cannibalistic spawn of hatred and despotism. You had your suspicions when you saw the meconium—no good human being craps like that. But now, buried deep in your flesh is proof that this little child is here to kill you.

  You want to push the kid away and run and hide under a pile of coats—big thick winter coats. But, don’t worry, your parenting instincts will kick in and you’ll realize you’re not able to throw the kid down and run screaming.

  You’ll also realize that this monster is still attached to you. So you scream and make that hissing sound you do when you scrape your knee. You worm your way out and hold the child out of chomping distance. You tell him, “no” and then realize he doesn’t understand. So now you feel stupid and you’re bleeding. You promise yourself that you’ll be more wary of the kid’s tricks, but you’ll forget by the next day.

  I know what you’re expecting me to say. You’re expecting me to tell you that, with twins, teething is twice as bad. Well, you’re wrong because this is it. This is the consolation prize for having twins. Twins won’t bite you nearly as much. Why? They have each other to bite.

  My oldest must have sunk his teeth into me a hundred times, because he was evil and I never learned. Between the twins I was bitten a grand total of once.

  Just sit back and enjoy it. And, don’t worry, it’s okay to smile a little every time they bite each other; this is God’s way of saying, “Sorry bout the whole two baby thing, man.”

  IS YOUR CHILD EVIL?

  Your baby’s desire to consume human flesh will neither be the first nor last time you’ll ask yourself if maybe your child is evil. All throughout their development there will be many times that it seems that your child was born without the “goodness” gene. There will be expressions, noises and poops that make you think your child could grow to lead a legion of the damned against the forces of good. This is normal.

  The truth is they’re just experimenting. You’ve gotten a grasp on how to work your facial muscles as evidenced by your awesome gorilla impression. Babies are still working it out. They’re bound to end up with some fairly creepy looks from time to time.

  The smiles are the most concerning. No child should look like a deranged hotel caretaker, but they can pull it off with surprising accuracy. My oldest also chose to practice a guttural wheeze at the same time. Scared the hell out of me.

  It’s going to happen. Babies simply are not evil. Toddlers can be, but your kid is still a baby and any nightmares they give you are completely unintentional at this point.

  BABY PROOFING

  Once the kid starts crawling, your strategy will become about containment and safety. This is also where things go fr
om mildly obsessive to completely insane.

  The baby companies have figured out the most horrific way every single item in your home can kill or maim your child. They then take this idea and illustrate it in simple line drawings to terrify you into buying a device that will prevent the illustrated death.

  Don’t get me wrong. You’ve got to get the cabinet latches to keep them out of the cleaning supplies. You’ve got to get the outlet covers to keep their fingers out of the electricity. But, do you really need the toilet seat lock?

  Baby manufacturers make it very easy for you to go overboard here.

  When couples buy into all of the fear, their home becomes baby Alcatraz and appears more like a soft-sided fortress than a loving environment. Imagine a living room blocked off with baby gates. The fireplace has been sealed up with cardboard. The mantle and all tables have been lined with foam pads. Once you leave the living room, every door has a latch that prevents most adults from opening it. If the baby should somehow escape this perimeter and try to swim out through the toilet drain, they will find the seat barricaded by a spring-loaded arm.

  Seriously, these defenses could stop zombies. It’s your call on how much security you’re comfortable with, but I will caution you that if you’ve got a friend over and you’re having a few drinks and they can’t work the toilet latch, they might just pee in your sink. And no one would blame them.