Believing Again (Finding Your Place Book 3)

by Rebecca Barber

  “Josie, you need to stay where you are,” I used my school teacher voice on her. The voice that calmed the cretins and tamed the wild children. It was firm and deep, and rarely did it not work. “Wrap your arms around my waist.” It took a moment, but sheepishly she settled her hands on my waist. Grabbing them, I tugged them until they were wrapped around me, holding her there. “You need to be close. And I need you to lean when I lean, okay? Don’t fight me.”

  “I-I can’t do this,” Josie’s voice shook, and before I knew it she was back off the bike and pacing the car park.

  I had no idea what I was supposed to do. We were out here alone. I had to get her back. Derek trusted me to get her back home safe and sound, yet right now, I couldn’t even get her on my bike.

  Josie had dropped down in the dirt and wrapped her arms around her legs. I could see she was crying. Her whole body was trembling. I fucking hated it. Someone, some asshole, had fucked this girl up. Badly. If I ever found out who did it, the douchebag would be breathing through a tube.

  Without a word, I sunk down beside her and draped my arm across her shoulders, pulling her close. She looked up at me with sad eyes and it was settled. This girl had me. She mightn’t know it, and now wasn’t the time to tell her, but whatever she needed, I would give her. If she needed a shoulder to cry on, she had mine. If she needed someone to change a light bulb for her, I’d be there. If a big, ugly ass spider crawled across the carpet and scared the shit out of her, I’d squash it. And if someone came to hurt her, he’d have to get past me first. And that in itself was going to be like running a fucking gauntlet. This girl deserved only the best and I was damn well going to make sure she got exactly that.

  She pulled back and looked up at me. Her nose was running and her eyes were puffy, but she’d never looked so adorable. “I’m-I’m sorry.”

  “Wanna tell me what that was about?”

  I wanted her to open up to me. I needed her to. Hell, she needed to get whatever demon was taunting her off her chest. “It was…it was nothing. Just me being a baby. We should get going.” She jumped to her feet, completely dodging the question. As much as I wanted to push her, now wasn’t the time. But she was fooling herself if she thought for a moment I was going to let this go.

  Sticking her hand out towards me, Josie offered to pull me to my feet. This woman was a walking contradiction. And she was completely fascinating me. I wanted to know more. I needed to. Accepting her hand, I rose to my feet and led her towards the bike.

  As I settled on the bike, I grabbed the helmets. “You can do this, Josie. I won’t let you fall.”

  “I know.”

  She wiggled on behind me, and this time she didn’t leave any room between us. Not one inch. I could feel the warmth of her legs as they clamped around my thighs. Silently, I handed her the spare helmet from the saddle bags. I couldn’t remember the last time it’d been worn, but I watched on with amusement as she attempted to tuck her long hair under it and tighten the chin strap. chin.

  “Ready?”

  “No.”

  “You’ll be fine. Promise.”

  “Okay.”

  “You just need to trust me.”

  “I do.”

  My stomach leapt into my throat at her words. She trusted me. I don’t know when or why I’d earned it, but I’d be damned if it didn’t make me puff my chest out like a proud peacock.

  Chapter 9

  Josie

  Fuck me dead! I was in love.

  I’d been on the back of a bike once before and hated every minute of it. I hadn’t trusted the guy driving and he’d known it. He’d gone too fast, taken the corners too sharp, and generally tried to scare the crap out of me. And he’d succeeded. I swore when I got off and finished throwing up in the garden I’d never again get on another bike. Nate was different, though. He was cautious and fluid, but still a hell of a lot of fun. At one point, I’d screamed as we tore down the road. I hoped the too big helmet muffled my sounds, but even if it didn’t, I wouldn’t be embarrassed. I couldn’t be. This was the most fun I’d had in a long time. I never wanted to get off.

  As we crossed the rickety old bridge leading into the town, I found I was disappointed the ride was over. I didn’t want it to be. It was just so exhilarating. As afraid as I’d been when we’d set off, now I had the desire to let go of Nate completely and hold my arms up in the air. Just embrace it. Maybe next time. If there was a next time. If not, maybe I’d invest in a bike of my own one day.

  Turning into the street, I spotted Derek’s truck in the driveway and him standing there with a bucket of soapy water and no shirt. Spotting us, he dropped the sponge in the bucket and wandered to the end of the drive, where Nate brought the bike to a halt. The moment he held out his hand to help me off, tingles shot through my body. And when I found my feet, my knees almost buckled beneath me.

  “Shit, Josie, you all right there?” Derek asked as he rushed to my side.

  I couldn’t tell him the truth. I was too embarrassed. Instead, I just nodded and pulled off my helmet, handing it back to Nate, careful to make sure our fingers didn’t touch. After flashing him a tight smile, I headed for the house. Right now I needed some space to get my head together. Yeah, space and a cold shower. Definitely a cold shower. At least it would put out these thoughts that were boiling my blood.

  Stepping inside the house, I could hear singing. Mia’s terrible, off key, sounds-like-someone-murdering-a-cat type singing. She shouldn’t be allowed to sing. Derek and I spent god knows how many hours laughing at her for it, but she loved it. And the moment we teased her, she just got louder. But it wasn’t just Mia’s voice I could hear. Following the god awful noise, I found myself standing in the doorway of the bathroom. Mia and Zoe were perched on the side of the bath, Matilda was splashing about.

  “Having fun in here?”

  All three heads shot up with surprise. They hadn’t been expecting anyone to be there. Matilda was covered from head to toe in bubbles and Zoe wasn’t faring much better. They looked like they were having so much fun, part of me was jealous I wasn’t invited, and then I remembered why. That’s right. I’d been wrapped around the sexiest piece of man meat I’d ever seen. Just the memory of being pressed up against those shoulders I’d spent the majority of the day admiring from afar. And up close, they didn’t disappoint. And that smell. Oh. My. God. Even through the river water and sunscreen and dirt he smelt delectable.

  “Mum!” Matilda called out, and all thoughts of the dreamy guy who sent my pulse sky rocketing were forgotten. Matilda was my world. My whole world. She was what I needed to focus on.

  “Hey Munchkin. Did you have a good day with Jenna?”

  She splashed so hard and with so much unabashed enthusiasm that both Zoe and Mia were instantly drenched and I was doubled over with laughter. “Have fun, girls.”

  “Wait! Where are you going?” Zoe called out as I walked from the room.

  “For a shower. You’ve got this under control.”

  Without another word, I went to my room, gathered up some clean, dry clothes, and headed for Mia’s ensuite. I loved that I could do this. That I had someone I trusted enough with the most precious thing in my life and know that whatever happened, Matilda would be safe and happy.

  ***

  “So…Nate, huh?”

  As I tipped back my glass, I drained the last of my drink. The wine tasted so good and took the edge off. I’d already put Matilda to bed for the night and now we were sitting about outside enjoying the evening breeze, just chatting. I should have known an interrogation was coming. It was inevitable, really. All night I’d been catching weird looks and snippets of conversations that stilted whenever I entered a room.

  “He seems like a nice guy,” Zoe added.

  I didn’t really know Zoe, but she seemed like she belonged. She loved Derek and got along with Mia like she could have been a long lost sister, so I had no worries there. The only issue I had, I didn’t know her. And not her past, which was made pre
tty clear that that was off limits, but I didn’t know the Zoe she was today. I mean, she’d taken over running Mia’s gym and that was Mia’s pride and joy, yet she trusted her. Implicitly. I know it should have been enough, and it was, it just wasn’t enough for me to want to open up and spill my secrets in front of her. That was hard enough with someone I knew.

  “Josie, I gotta ask…where’s Matilda’s father?” Derek probed as gently as he could.

  Matilda was already two months old and growing every day. My miracle was the only thing that kept me going. But she was also the one destroying me. She didn’t sleep. Like ever. Every hour, just as I’d start to drift off, she’d awake, screaming. I’d change her, feed her, burp her, but nothing helped. I was tired. So damn tired. Mia was my saviour. She’d come to my rescue before I reached the end of my rope. It was like she knew, even before I did when I was about to snap and say something I didn’t mean. Something I couldn’t take back. Something I’d regret.

  “Gone.”

  Matilda’s father was not someone I wanted to talk about. Not now. Not ever.

  “Does he know, you know, about her?”

  Derek wasn’t trying to be an ass. He would never do that. He was a man of few words, but when he did use them, you knew he meant every single one.

  Figuring he wasn’t about to let sleeping dogs lie, I answered him the best I could. “Yes and no.” He quirked his eyebrow at me, so I continued. Reluctantly. “Matilda’s father and I were together a couple of times. We weren’t a couple, and it was never supposed to be anything serious. Just some fun, you know? When I found out I was pregnant, I was fucking terrified. It wasn’t like I had a whole bunch of people I could tell and ask for help. Mia…well, I didn’t want to hurt her…”

  “She would have been there for you. You know that, right?”

  “I do now. At the time I was more worried that she’d hate me.”

  “I’d never hate you, Josie. Never!” Mia stepped out onto the patio and wrapped her tiny arms around my neck, kissing me on the forehead.

  “Love you.”

  “You too, Josie girl. Always.”

  I watched as Mia moved away and settled herself in Derek’s lap, tucking her head against his neck. It was painful to watch. I was sitting over there all alone on the opposite side of the table, but I could have been a million miles away and I’d still be blinded by the love these two had for each other. Envy was a powerful, pointless emotion, one I battled daily.

  “Did you tell him?”

  “Yeah. I was so scared I didn’t know what to do. I called him a couple of times and he wouldn’t answer, but I needed to get in touch with him. I showed up where he worked. I didn’t want to cause a scene, I just needed to talk to him for a minute. But he was with someone else. Had some redhead crawling all over him. Made me want to throw up or punch him or something.”

  “Asshole!”

  “It wasn’t his fault…” I don’t know why I defended him, but I couldn’t stop myself. We weren’t anything serious and we’d made no promises to each other. “Anyway, he saw me standing there and got really angry. I mean, his face went red, and his eyes were so narrow I wondered how he could even see. He set the redhead down and stalked towards me. If he wanted to intimidate me, he did a bloody good job.”

  Fuck, I needed a drink. Desperately. I’d never wanted to tell this story. I hoped I’d never have to. Thankfully, Mum and Dad had never asked. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to see the disappointment in their eyes and know I was responsible for putting it there.

  “He didn’t hurt you, did he, Josie?”

  I saw the pain flick over Derek’s face. I knew in that moment that even if he had, even if he’d beat the living crap out of me, I’d never tell Derek. He had enough drama in his life. He didn’t need a broken sister-in-law to deal with as well.

  “No. Not in the way you’re thinking.”

  “Josie…” Mia went to move towards me, but Derek held her where she sat. I was grateful for that. Even without me telling him, he understood. Had Mia touched me in this moment I would have shattered and broken down.

  I gulped down the nerves and humiliation of what I was about to say. “I asked to speak with him privately and he laughed in my face. I told him I just needed a minute and he said I’d already wasted thirty seconds of it. I could barely recognise the guy I’d been to bed with. That guy was gone and he’d been replaced with this…this asshole. I told him I was pregnant. I just spat out the words. I didn’t even try to sugar coat it. And he laughed in my face.”

  “He did not!” Mia gasped in horror.

  “Yeah, Mia, he did. Then when he finished laughing, he asked how a slut like me could even know who the father was. He was the only guy, the only one in a long time…I’m not—”

  “We know you’re not, Josie. You never would be. And we would never want that. So get those worries out of your pretty little head.” Derek was so adamant I couldn’t imagine disappointing him.

  “He stuffed two hundred dollars in my hand and said, ‘Well, if it is mine, take care of it.’ Then he turned around and walked away from me like it had never happened.”

  “Fuck, Josie! You should have told me! I could have been there. I should have been there…” Mia had tears streaming down her face and I was surprised to find I didn’t. I wasn’t sad or even angry anymore. I’d lived another life since then. It didn’t matter how many times I’d rerun the scenario in my head or how many times I wished it had gone differently, it is what it is. Matilda was all mine because of it.

  “Obviously you didn’t do it.”

  “I was going to.” Mia’s and Derek’s mouths both fell open and I swear I heard them hit the deck.

  “Josie…”

  “Don’t, Mia. Just…don’t. Please. I know I’m a monster for even considering, but put yourself in my place for a minute. I was all alone. Pregnant. And I had no idea what to do. I made the appointment with the clinic and I went. But when I got there, I just couldn’t go through with it. I don’t know what stopped me and made me change my mind, but I’m thankful I did. If not Matilda wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be here.”

  “Are you going to tell me his name?” Derek snarled through gritted teeth.

  “It doesn’t matter. Not anymore. Matilda is a good kid…when she’s asleep.” I laughed forcefully, trying to lighten the mood. “He didn’t want her and I did. She’s here, she’s happy, and she has the best Aunty and Uncle a kid could dream of.”

  Before I knew what was happening, I was sandwiched between Mia and Derek and they were both looking at me with sad eyes and broken smiles. “And she always will.”

  “Josie? Josie? You all right there? You seemed a million miles away,” Zoe’s voice filled with concern.

  “Probably still dreaming about Nate’s body,” Mia added.

  I sighed. Not at the thought of Nate’s body, although that was definitely sigh worthy, but that Mia had managed to lighten the situation without even really trying.

  “Did you see him on that bike? Seriously. It gave me tingles in places I didn’t know still could tingle, and I wasn’t even the one sitting behind him. Come on, Josie! Don’t hold back on me. I need details. I don’t remember the last time I, well, you know…”

  “I remember…” Mia added wistfully as a blush coated her cheeks.

  “There’s seriously something wrong with you two, you know that, right?”

  “Nah, we just don’t have a stick up our ass like you. So, spill it, girl. What’s going on with you and that sexy hunk of man candy teacher?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Bullshit!”

  “Promise! We’re friends, if that, really. I met him a couple of weeks ago when he came in for dinner on one of my shifts, and I’ve seen him maybe a handful of times since. Today was the first time we’d spoken about anything other than steak and beer.”

  “Really?”

  “Really.”

  “Well, if that’s all there is, then I’m getting a job as
a waitress, ’cause damn, girl, he was looking at you like you were dessert and he was a starving man.”

  They broke out in a fit of giggles, thinking they were hilarious. They weren’t. They were painful. And annoying. And completely wrong.

  But when I fell into bed a couple of hours later, the thought danced in my head…what if…what if they weren’t?

  Chapter 10

  Nate

  I stood in the playground, surrounded by snot-nosed brats who, today, were basically doing nothing but pissing me off. It had rained all week, and thank fuck it was Friday, because I was tired, grumpy, and in need of a drink. My week had been complete and utter bullshit. The roof on my shit box of a house leaked like someone had gone ballistic with a machine gun piercing a million and one holes in the old tin. I’d nearly come off the bike more than once on the slippery roads. And a wet week meant a week of keeping the monsters inside. Every. Single. Lunchtime. I got no break. I had to bloody co-ordinate with the teacher next door to come in and watch my tribe of lunatics just so I could take a leak. And don’t even get me started on the lack of caffeine in my system. It just seemed like too much of an effort, too much hassle to even bother jumping the mud puddles on my way to the main office just to get a cup of that rubbish they called coffee.

  It wasn’t all bad, though. Having a wet week had turned everything bright, lush green, and this time of year, that was a miracle in itself, or so I’m told. On top of that, being cooped up inside all week had forced me to get the rest of my crap sorted and the last box unpacked. It had been almost three months since I’d moved in, and I had yet to finish unpacking my life. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to set down some roots, it was more I was afraid to. Last time I’d settled it didn’t end with a happily ever after.

  I’d pretty much settled into a pattern now. It was boring and monotonous, but it worked for me. Right now, that was enough. I wasn’t stupid enough to believe that it would work forever, or maybe even too much longer, but for right now it was perfect. Tuesday night was steak night at the club, and Thursday was chicken schnitzel. If I managed to get myself really organised, and by organised I mean showered and presentable on a Sunday, then I’d hit the Sunday roast. The rest of the time I ate like a bachelor. If I couldn’t grill it on the barbeque or pull it from a packet, I pretty much went hungry. You’d be surprised how long you can last eating baked beans alone before you’d go insane.