Believing Again (Finding Your Place Book 3)

by Rebecca Barber

  Trying to make light of the situation, I went back into Nate’s room. “Everyone decent in here?”

  “No,” came the grumble of the reply.

  “Are you ever decent?”

  “Not around you.”

  “Hey! Behave,” I scolded half-heartedly. “Now sit up and eat.”

  “You’re bossy.”

  “You have no idea.”

  My words must have stunned him into silence. Instead, he quirked an eyebrow and took a bite of the hot buttery toast. I heard a groan, only I couldn’t be sure if it came from me or him.

  Silently I perched on the end of the bed near his feet while he finished up. While silence enveloped us, I could hear Matilda rattling around. I knew my time with Nate was running out. Matilda’s patience wouldn’t hold much longer before she began causing havoc.

  I don’t know how she did it. How she knew I was thinking about her, somehow though she did. Before I even had a chance to get up, I heard her cries just before she wobbled through the door, holding her bleeding finger out in front of her, fat tears rolling down her chubby cheeks. Scooping her up in my arms, I grabbed her hand and looked at her finger. For the amount of tears, squeals, and blood, you’d think her finger was barely attached. When I looked though, there was a tiny little splinter sticking out.

  “Let me have a look.”

  It took a bit of coaxing, but with her head burrowed in the crook of my neck, Matilda let me squeeze her finger until it popped out. “Better?”

  The tears stopped almost immediately and I set her back on her feet. I’d completely forgotten where I was, that was the sort of all-consuming pull that girl had over me. Forget everything but her. I guess that was the way it was supposed to be when you’re a mother.

  “You’re so good with her.” The deep, raspy voice shocked me, reminding me where I was.

  “Th-thanks.”

  “Mummmmmmmm,” Matilda complained.

  “That’s my cue. You right here?”

  Nate’s eyes darted back and forth as Matilda curled herself around my leg. “Yeah.”

  Lifting my squirming daughter back into my arms, I took another look at Nate. He looked a little better, but was still pretty out of it. “You should get some rest. Take your shirt back off and lay down.”

  “Trying to get me out of my clothes now, are you?”

  He waggled his eyebrows and I almost melted.

  Fine, I did melt.

  The only thing keeping me from throwing myself on top of him was the sweaty coating covering his pale face and red-rimmed eyes. Well, that and ten kilos of toddler in my arms.

  “Keep dreaming, Nate. Get some sleep.”

  “Okay.”

  “I’ll give you a call later.”

  Chapter 18

  Nate

  Shit! She was a mother. Matilda was hers. Sure, she was an adorable kid, and if those wide brown eyes didn’t steal your heart, then you sure as shit didn’t have one. I’d only seen her less than a handful of times, and I would have bet money that she was Derek’s daughter, but even from the few minutes spent with her, I knew she was going to grow up to be a heartbreaker.

  Exactly like her mother.

  As the thought rattled around in my pounding head, I swallowed down the disappointment flooding my body. As much as I liked Josie, as much as I wanted to spend more time with her, I knew it was over. Before it really even began, it was done. I was done. I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t go there. Not with someone who had a kid. I admired her for it. And I could tell she was an amazing mother, I just couldn’t go there. I wouldn’t allow myself to. Life sucked sometimes.

  Burrowing down under the covers, I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed for sleep. I needed this headache gone. I’d deal with everything else tomorrow. That was future Nate’s problems. Right now I just needed to get better and get my lazy ass out of this bed.

  ***

  Three days. Three long, painful days. That’s how long it took for me to drag my ass out of bed and re-join the human race. I think it was the stench of my sheets that was the final kick up the ass I needed to get moving. After standing under the scalding hot water until it ran cool. After shaving and cleaning my teeth for the tenth time, I was ready to get outside and into the sunlight. Thankfully it was Saturday and I didn’t have to work. Even though I was out of bed and somewhat mobile, I didn’t have the energy to deal with a class full of ratbags.

  Pouring myself a huge mug of strong, black coffee, I stepped out onto the back veranda and into the morning sun. Damn, it felt good. As the cold air hit my lungs, I coughed it back out. Closing my eyes, I tilted my face up towards the sun and let the warmth seep into my skin.

  “Should I just give you some privacy?”

  “What the…” I shot to my feet at the intrusion, spilling what was left of my coffee all over my shirt.

  “Shit! Sorry, mate!” Derek chuckled, slapping me on my back.

  Yanking the coffee-soaked shirt over my head and throwing it in the direction of the laundry, I dropped back on my chair.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Making sure you’re still alive.”

  “Hey!”

  “Man flu is deadly. I had to check in.”

  “Thanks.”

  “How’d it go with Josie the other day? She said you looked like shit.”

  I gulped down the lump in my throat. I couldn’t tell Derek what I really felt. I knew it would come out eventually, what an asshole I was, but I wanted to avoid it as long as possible. It was nice having a friend around. It’d been so long since there’d been someone in my life I felt like I could trust. When everything had fallen apart, everyone in my life turned on me, including my own family. Nothing could ever be more painful than watching your own mother be so disappointed in you, she shut you out and told you not to come back. To be banned from your childhood home simply because you made a choice. A choice people didn’t like. One they didn’t understand.

  “Yeah, felt like it.”

  “You better now?”

  “Heaps.”

  “Thank god. You scared the shit out of me the other day when you collapsed.”

  “Sorry about that.” Honestly, I didn’t know what else to say.

  “You should be. I spent my day off with a busload of kids.”

  “They weren’t that bad, were they?”

  “The chaperone wasn’t.”

  Derek winked at me and I couldn’t contain the booming laughter that bubbled up my throat.

  “So, since you’re back to normal, I expect you to be at my place tonight for dinner.”

  “I don’t know…”

  “That wasn’t a question. We’re lighting the bonfire at six.”

  After Derek left, I pulled on a clean, dry sweater and looked around my house. It was odd. I’d spent most of the week in bed, yet somehow the house seemed dirty. It wasn’t messy, but it just felt off. For a guy, I was pretty OCD when it came to my house. Grabbing the disinfectant, I gave the bathroom a quick once-over before dragging the vacuum cleaner from the bottom of the cupboard.

  Two hours and forty minutes later I collapsed into the lounge and clicked on the TV. I was completely wrecked. Mercifully it was super Saturday on the football channel. Back to back games all afternoon and into the night. Too lazy to get up and grab a drink, I piled up the cushions beneath my head and settled in for the long haul.

  I woke to my stomach turning on itself. It was painful. Checking the score, I realised I’d slept through more than a half of football and my team were losing. Badly. What’s worse, they were playing like shit. When it went to an ad break, I found my feet and headed towards the kitchen in search of food. Grabbing a bag of chips and a jar of salsa, I headed back in to suffer through the rest. Hopefully they’d play better in the final quarter.

  They didn’t.

  They got smashed.

  Embarrassingly so.

  The only thing that offered me relief was the fact that no one knew I was a Blues su
pporter. The anonymity provided a safe place. If anyone knew my secret, there was no doubt in my mind I’d be ridiculed relentlessly. And after the effort they’d put in today, I’d say deservingly so.

  The game ended and I found myself lacking energy. The old house was cold. Draughts came in under every door jamb and window. If I wasn’t going out tonight, I’d light the fire and get it roaring.

  The clock on the TV read four thirty. Too late to do anything. Too early to leave. Shivering again, I climbed off the lounge and headed down the hall. A moment later, I slipped back under the covers, grabbed my iPad, and logged on. The quickest way to lose time was online. Between catching up on the world around me and watching stupid animal videos on YouTube, before long it was ten minutes to six. I was going to be late.

  “Didn’t know if you’d show,” Mia taunted as I stepped through the front door, bending down to drop a soft kiss on her cheek.

  “Wasn’t given much of a choice, really.”

  “Well, come in and grab a drink then.”

  Moving through the house, I could hear Josie’s voice, followed by what I could only assume was Matilda’s innocent laughter. Dropping my eyes, I strode through the house, quickly finding myself with my head in the fridge, pulling out a cold can of lemonade. I knew it wasn’t very butch to be drinking lemonade at a bonfire, but I wasn’t entirely sure my rolling stomach could handle a beer. And I wasn’t about to embarrass myself by testing the theory.

  Taking a long pull, I spun around to find Mia eyeing me warily.

  “She’s giving Matilda a bath,” Mia said pointedly.

  “I wasn’t—”

  “You sure?”

  Yep, I was. No, I wasn’t. I hated everything about this. Josie seemed like a pretty cool chick. Like every female I’d ever met, young or old, she had her quirks, but she seemed down to earth and I could see myself having a tonne of fun with her. She hadn’t been afraid on the back of my bike, and in the moments she wasn’t second guessing herself or worrying about everyone else’s opinions, she was exactly my type of woman. Except for one little thing. A little thing with adorable brown eyes which threatened to capture my heart. Something I couldn’t allow.

  “Derek?”

  “Out the back.”

  “Thanks.”

  As quickly as I could I pushed open the glass sliding door and ducked out the door into the frigid night air. Seeing each breath turn into a puffy white cloud in front of my face was strangely invigorating. Shaking off the thoughts of the woman who’d captured my imagination and her shadow, I headed across the lawn in the direction of the congregation of guys standing, beer in hand, around the barbeque.

  “Look who finally decided to grace us with his presence.” Derek chuckled.

  “Yeah, sorry about that.”

  “Feeling better yet?”

  “Heaps. No idea what that was the other day.”

  “Josie take good care of you?”

  I forced myself to take a huge gulp, not knowing what to say. What was he hinting at? The smug smirk suggested there was more to his question than innocent inquisitiveness.

  “Josie took care of you?” Logan repeated.

  All eyes settled on me and suddenly I felt hot despite the falling temperature. “Are those steaks burning?”

  Quickly, Derek diverted his attention back to the grill before flipping the meat. The diversion didn’t last long. “Nice try.”

  “So Josie?”

  “Yeah?”

  “What? She came over, cooked me lunch, forced pills down my throat, and left again. No big deal.” And that was the truth.

  “Little blue pills?”

  Logan was pissing me off. I barely knew this guy, and here he was suggesting something he had no business suggesting. It was just rude and disrespectable. Especially for Josie.

  “Knock it off!” Derek swatted Logan on the back, propelling him forwards. Instantly I felt better. If Derek hadn’t knocked him into line, I was awfully close to doing so.

  Ignoring the question, we fell into an easy banter. After twenty minutes of trying to convince me that I should join the local football team, something I had no intentions of ever doing—hell, the truth of it was I didn’t even particularly like football—dinner was served. I was expecting Josie to appear and eat but she never showed. Taking a bite of the juicy steak, I swallowed it down along with my disappointment.

  Mia appeared to clear away the dishes, and when no one rose to help her, I couldn’t just sit there. She didn’t need to be cleaning up after us.

  “Let me help.”

  “No, Nate, it’s fine. You just sit back and relax. You’re a guest.”

  Ignoring her weak objection, I gathered up an arm full of plates and followed her into the kitchen. The moment I did, I knew I shouldn’t have. There was Josie. Looking completely miserable and adorable at the same time. Her grey sweatshirt was stained and splattered with something white. Her black stretchy pants, while making her ass look decidedly spankable, had seen better days. Dragging my suddenly starving eyes from her ass, I noticed the bottoms were frayed and dirty. She was squatted down in front of Matilda’s highchair as she fed her. It was so natural. So normal. My heart squeezed in my chest, and the urge to throw up was almost overwhelming. Then she coughed. A painful, dry wheezing.

  “Nate?”

  Mia’s voice brought my attention back to reality. When she took the dirty plates from my hands, Josie turned around, her eyes freezing me where I stood.

  “Nate…” Josie attempted, but another coughing fit strangled her words.

  It was then I got my first proper look at her. Her hair was pulled back in a tangled mess. Her nose was red and the skin flaky. Her eyes were rimmed by dark bags. She looked completely and utterly miserable. It took everything I had not to leap over the island bench, pick her up, and take care of her. Forever. A realisation that almost knocked on my ass.

  “You not feeling very well?”

  “Wonder where I got that from,” she grumbled.

  “Mum…Mum…Mum,” Matilda babbled barely a second before she stuffed her stubby fingers into the bowl in front of her and smooshed it all over her face. Unable to control my laughter, Matilda lit up at the sound, which resulted in her waving her hands around wildly.

  I wanted to be sorry. I really did.

  But watching the way she was with her daughter, seeing how patient and understanding she was even though she was obviously sick as a dog made my heart swell.

  “Want another drink?” Mia offered, her head sticking out of the fridge.

  “Thanks.”

  “Can you take one out to Derek too?”

  “Sure.”

  Fuck me, Derek was a lucky man. Here was a woman who was doing everything she could to make sure he was taken care of. Cleaning up after his mates, sending more beer, and putting up with it all without complaining. I was as envious as all hell. It was all I’d ever wanted and everything I knew I’d never have.

  Grabbing the beers from Mia, I popped the top off, tossing them in the direction of the bin. When they pinged on the tiled floor, I trudged over and scooped them up, dropping them in. When I spun around, I realised my every move was being tracked by a very inquisitive set of eyes. Poking my tongue out at her, Matilda giggled and waved her arms about, coating her hair, face and shirt with the thick coating of sticky, white goo.

  “What is she eating?”

  “Yoghurt,” Josie replied unemotionally.

  She looked drained. Part of me wished I could help her. Carry some of her load. Ease her burden. But it wasn’t my place. Without another word, I took the drinks and headed back out to re-join the festivities.

  Chapter 19

  Josie

  I watched as Nate shuffled out the door and away from me. I felt like crap. Like death warmed up. The desire to crawl into bed and bury my head under the covers until the whole world fell silent was almost too good to resist. Turning my attention back to Matilda, I wanted to throttle my daughter. Sure she was cu
te, and most of the time she was a bouncing ball of fun, but right now I wanted to walk away and pretend she wasn’t mine. She’d been out of the bath for less than an hour and already she needed another.

  “You have yoghurt everywhere, Matilda.” I tried to keep the annoyance and frustration out of my voice, but judging by the look Mia shot me, I hadn’t been very successful.

  “Jo-Jo…”

  Bloody Mia was bringing out the heavy artillery. I hated when she used nicknames. It was worse than when your parents used your full name, which was something I hadn’t heard in a long time. Not since the day I’d disappointed my mother so severely they’d cut me out of their lives.

  “What?”

  “Why don’t you go to bed and I’ll look after the Munchkin?”

  I yawned deeply. “I can’t expect you to do that.”

  “Josie! You’re sick. And the last thing either of us need is a sick little girl, which is all that’s going to happen if you keep trying to do everything and be everything for everyone. Please, Josie, just for once, let me take care of Matilda and you take care of you.”

  “I…can’t. She’s my daughter…”

  “If the next words that come out of your mouth are ‘she’s my responsibility,’ I swear to god, Josie, I will slap you where you stand. You’re sick. You need to rest so you can get better. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mum. No one will hold it against you. Fuck, no one else even needs to know. And let’s face it, if I’m going to hold something against you, it’s going to be one of the embarrassing stories I have of you from the past twenty-odd years.”

  “Bitch!”

  Rising to my feet, I wobbled. The wave of dizziness consumed me. Lucky for me, Mia was right there beside me before I had a chance to topple over and land on my ass, but I caved pretty quickly after that. After dosing me up on meds and promising to wake me if she needed me, Mia tucked me in and kissed my burning forehead good night.

  It took a week before I was back to normal.

  A week of Mia and Derek being my saviour. They did everything they could to make it easier. Mia looked after Matilda like she was her own. Bathing her. Feeding her. Reading her bedtime stories. All the things that I, her mother, should have been doing. Things I just didn’t have the energy to do. Even getting out of bed seemed like an effort.