Zen Of Zombie (Zen of Zombie Series)

by Scott Kenemore

  Plenty of self-help gurus throughout the ages have preached about the danger of growing too attached to material possessions. It’s a point they drive home, and with very little subtlety. Why? Because for whatever reason, this is an idea that will simply not sink in for most people.

  We all must know, deep down on some level, that the trappings of this life amount to nothing in the end. No favorite piece of clothing can give our lives the happy ending we desire. No exotic artifact, no matter how rare or imported, can come with us into the afterlife.

  House. Car. Stamp collection. When you go it’s just going to get picked over by relatives you never even liked that much.

  We’ve seen it happen to other people.

  We know that it’s going to happen to us.

  And yet ...

  Something deeply instilled in the very core of our beings makes us refuse this obvious truth, that possessions are fleeting and material things cannot last.

  What is it about our possessions that cries out: “Hold on to me! Even when it makes no sense to do so. Even when the task of preserving me is time-consuming, expensive, and (at the end of the day) impossible! Hold on to me at all costs!”

  Whatever the impulse, it isn’t one of our better ones. How can this be known for sure? From the fact that in the most excellent zombie, one finds absolutely no trace of this characteristic whatsoever.

  Zombie Tip:

  Simplify, simplify, simplify!

  Simplicity is key to the freewheeling essence of a zombie. The more things you can eliminate from your routine (like persona, hygiene, clothing, and complete sentences) the better.

  A zombie has no respect for possessions, period. Not for its own possessions, and certainly not for things owned by other people. A zombie keeps its goal (brains) foremost in its mind. It doesn’t allow itself to get distracted by anything else. A zombie has no difficulty “letting go” of things.

  When in pursuit of a victim, a zombie may lose articles of clothing on tree branches or door frames. It may leave one or both of its shoes when it chases someone through a muddy field. Eyeglasses or glass eyes. Tiaras or tube-tops.

  Once they’re gone, a zombie isn’t stopping to pick them up.

  Attachment to possessions would only hold a zombie back and would only waste time. Stopping to retrieve a lost shoelace or a treasured childhood knick knack would only distract it that much from its prize (a victim’s brain).

  You see, a zombie understands that time is valuable, and material possessions are expensive in more than one way.

  Here’s an example. More than one person has pointed out that if you worked out Bill Gates’s compensation to an hourly wage, then he’s making something like $50 every two seconds. So, theoretically, if he’s on the job and accidentally drops any amount of money less than $50, it’s not worth his time to take two seconds out of his workday to pick it up. In that two seconds, he’d make more money by staying on the job.

  Think about that ... Let’s say he drops $49. That’s a lot of money. You could eat a pretty nice steak dinner for $49. You could do a lot of things with it. And it’s not even worth two seconds of Gates’s time.

  It’s the same deal with zombies.

  Nothing is more valuable to a zombie than eating somebody’s brain. Thus, attachment to (and corresponding care of) material possessions doesn’t make sense for a zombie (unless, somehow, it brings the zombie closer to that goal).

  So when you see a zombie comically lose its top hat while passing through a low doorway, remember that there’s a good reason why the zombie doesn’t stop to pick it up.

  Think back to Bill Gates.

  When you see a shabby-looking zombie dragging itself after someone, remember: “Here’s a guy who’s got his priorities straight.” Sure, his graveclothes may be missing a few buttons. His hair, fingernails, and teeth (to which he was very attached in life) may now, in the afterlife, have been left behind entirely. His pants may be trailing after him, hanging by a thread and dragging in the mud. But he’s not stopping to mess with any of it. He’s going right after what he wants.

  Material possessions be damned!

  It’s a resolve that humans could stand to cultivate.

  23

  “Live” Free or Die

  Throughout history, great men and women have had to struggle against dictators and tyrants who wanted to keep them from living the way these men and women felt they should.

  Zombies might not be “alive” or “living” in the traditional sense, but does that mean that they’re letting anybody mess with them or keep them down? Hell no.

  When the King of England unfairly levied taxes on American colonists, they responded by performing numerous acts of civil disobedience. They tarred and feathered tax collectors. They dressed up like American Indians and threw tea into Boston Harbor. And that was a good start, but nothing compared to what zombies would have done.

  In the 1960s, hippie protesters responded to governmental policies they regarded as unfair by burning their draft cards, moving to Canada, and staging three-day outdoor rock concerts. It was, granted, a lot of fun for a lot of people, but zombies were not impressed.

  Even in contemporary America, there are some who protest involvement in wars in the Middle East by staging elaborate protest marches on Washington, making celebrity appearances at costly charity events, and by getting the band (when it is Rage Against the Machine) back together. While those involved in the no-blood-for-oil and band-reformation movements are deeply invested in their causes, it will not surprise you to know that in the estimation of a zombie, they are all rank amateurs. Zombies, after all, are the godfathers of civil disobedience. It’s hard to think of laws that they don’t violate:

  Jaywalking? Check.

  Breaking and entering? Big check.

  Murder? Check. (However, it should noted that the capacity of zombies to commit first-degree murder varies by jurisdiction. In Texas and Louisiana for example, wanting to eat someone’s brain does qualify as premeditation.)

  Manslaughter? Check. (Zombies can accidentally kill some humans in the course of intentionally trying to kill other humans.)

  Destroying property? Big check.

  Trespassing? Great big check.

  Disturbing the peace? Biggest check of all!

  While a lack of libido does mean that zombies tend not to commit sex crimes (except accidentally), it’s still a pretty impressive record. Zombies also don’t pay taxes, don’t register with Selective Service when they turn 18, and regularly disobey zoning laws. (In the U.S., only the inside of a few secret government labs in the New Mexico desert are zoned for zombies.) And when highest-functioning zombies attempt to operate automobiles, it is almost always with a license that is expired by decades.

  But speaking of laws violated, it is important to note that while other groups can violate county law, state law, federal law, or even international law, zombies are that rare class of entity that can also violate natural law. (Note that “natural law” is an umbrella term including the laws of the universe, the laws of science, the laws of reason, religious law, and All That Is Sacred and Good in the Universe.) Zombies have proved this one again and again.

  How many times has a shaky rural deputy poured round after round into the chest of an advancing zombie while crying out in disbelief: “Well shoot, sheriff, they just keep on a’ comin’! That ain’t right.”

  Zombie Tip:

  I regret that I have but one life to give ...

  to being a zombie! Seriously, many of our most celebrated patriotic figures who “died” for causes and/or gave up their “lives” for what they believed in, were actually just zombies doing what zombies do. Did you honestly think those people would be getting killed for “ideals” or “what they believe in” or something? Grow up.

  Consider also the many instances of flummoxed medieval warriors who, sword thrust after sword thrust, have remarked to their zombie foes: “Why won’t you stay dead???”

  Don’t forget,
either, the crafty vacationer, along with her bevy of improbably attractive friends, who has booked a weekend in an exotic tropical resort on the hundred-year anniversary of the great zombie uprising on that particular island. Though her friends are long since eaten, she has managed to shoot, stab, and incinerate (with a Molotov cocktail hastily fashioned from the resort bar) the zombie who has found its way up to her floor of the hotel. And yet, when this zombie, bullet-riddled, knife sticking out of its belly, and still slightly on fire, continues to advance towards her fortification made of overturned room-service carts, our heroine will doubtless scream something along the lines of “Why???” “How???” or that old standard, “What are you???”

  The answer, of course, is a being not bound by natural law. It is a being that you can stab and shoot and set aflame, but that will not go down unless you destroy the brain or sever the head. It is that outlaw of outlaws, who scoffs at regional, local, and yes, even natural ordinances, regulations, and axioms. And who is coming to eat your brain, like it or not.

  In other words, a zombie.

  24

  Digging a Grave? You’ve Got It Made!

  Most of all, do what makes you happy.

  That could be the best thing about zombies. They know what they want and they go out and get it. They go in a straight line, right to what they want. Whether it’s the path of least resistance or the path of being firebombed by government troops, a zombie takes that path if it leads to tasty brains. A zombie’s going to get what it wants, and fuck you if you think you’re going to stop it.

  Zombie Tip:

  A brain by any other name would still taste as sweet.

  Medulla oblongata. Occipital lobe. Corpus callosum. Not exactly what you’d associate with the chef’s special. But hey, it doesn’t matter what you call it if it’s what you want!

  A zombie doesn’t hesitate, and it certainly doesn’t doubt itself. No zombie ever says: “I’d really like to give the whole eating-your-brains thing a try, at least for a while. So right now the plan is to move to New York City after graduation and give it a go, but if I don’t eat at least one brain by the time I’m, like, thirty, I am so totally moving back home and applying to law schools.”

  A zombie doesn’t hedge its bets or give itself timelines. Once it makes a decision, it sticks to it.

  It’s down for (after)life.

  It will pursue its goal to the very ends of the earth.

  The rest of us could aspire to such dedication.

  PART TWO:

  Your Guide to Complete Zombification in 90 Days

  Up to this point, we’ve established not only the unerring dominance of the zombie, but also the many benefits humans can reap from modeling their own behaviors and characteristics after zombies. Certainly, the prospect of this can be intimidating at first. No doubt many readers of this book would not dispute the effectiveness of zombies in a number of (even most) situations, but many might still flinch at the notion of becoming like a zombie themselves.

  “I’d like to be more like a zombie,” you might say, “but I’m an environmental lawyer from Brockton. Can I really make the zombie transformation? I mean, I take the train in to Boston every day just to get to work. Wouldn’t a zombie try to eat everybody on the train or something? This all begins to feel like it might hurt my chances of making partner.”

  Reasonable concerns, but unfounded. Actualizing your inner zombie will only make your rise to dominance in your profession that much quicker.

  “Well what about me?” you say. “I’m a record store manager in Minneapolis. Being like a zombie might give me a lot more hardcore street-cred with the customers, but also, wouldn’t I want to eat my customers? And I have enough trouble with employee retention as it is. Is anybody going to want to come to work for a zombie?”

  They will.

  Work for a zombie. Patronize zombie-owned businesses. Display zombie customer loyalty. It’s all there. Have no fear.

  Zombie Tip:

  Visualize it!

  Visualization is a time-tested self-help tool, especially for zombies. Zombies can “see” themselves tucking into a nice head (most especially when that’s what they’re doing, right then, at that very instant).

  “One more objection,” another says. “I’m a doctor in Denver who just got married and moved to a neighborhood with good schools. Zombies are interesting from a medical standpoint, but I’m concerned that my association with them could damage the credibility and relationships I’ve worked so hard to cultivate since starting my practice.”

  Yeah, doc, it might. But you’ve got to give being a zombie a chance.

  This section of the book will outline a week-by-week plan for actualizing your inner zombie in just 90 days. That might seem like a long time, but think about it: Real zombies actually have to be dead, sometimes for years and years, before they start getting the maximum being-a-zombie benefit.

  Count yourself lucky, chief.

  -1

  The Preparation

  In the week leading up to the start of your zombification, you’ll want to get your affairs in order. Not like some who’s going to die ... or rather, not exactly like someone who’s going to die.

  That’s sort of the point.

  In the week before starting this program, you’ll probably want to put your most valuable possessions into storage ... anything you wouldn’t want smashed or trampled. Imagine, for a second, a zombie bouncing around like a lost pinball inside your trendy bachelor apartment or cute little singlegirl condo. What would get broken, or smeared with goo, or partially eaten? Ask yourself these questions seriously, because that zombie pinball is going to be you. Also, mail forwarding? A good idea. Automatic bill-pay on your computer? Set it up, brother. That is, if you want the lights left on.

  Pets that can forage (dogs, cats) will probably be okay, but if you’ve got a bird in a cage or something, it might be time to let Mr. Budgie spread his wings and soar off the edge of the building. You’re going to have more important things to think about in the coming months than birdseed and fresh newspapers. Most importantly, ask yourself if you can really make this 12-week commitment. Be honest with yourself.

  Zombification is challenging enough when the conditions are right and your dedication is a hundred percent. Advancing only part-way towards becoming a zombie is very dangerous. Zombie-conditioning is hard to reverse. You could find yourself presenting a PowerPoint one moment, and screaming for brains the next. If you go in with any doubts or conflicts, the chances of your finishing are small indeed. Which is a problem.

  The lessons in the early weeks will get you started down the right road, but a little knowledge is a very dangerous thing. Make like a zombie in the wrong time and place, and the fallout can be catastrophic, fatal, and extremely unpleasant. (You’ll notice you’ve never heard of a “semi-zombie” walking around, or a guy who was “a little bit zombie now and then.” That’s because they don’t last long, those types.)

  Finally, you must tell no one what you plan to do. It can take you right out of the zombie frame of mind to have nice Mrs. Perez from across the hall popping over to see “how the zombie project is going.”

  At the other extreme, you don’t want an enemy of yours to get wind and use this as an excuse to call in the social workers and have you taken away (or, failing that, calling in a military air strike). Your condo association showing up with torches is also a bummer.

  But more than any of this, you want the effect of your zombification to be that of a striking transformation. It’s one thing to see someone become gradually more like a zombie over the course of weeks. It’s even better when you don’t see them for three months and then run into them at a social function after complete zombification. That way, there won’t be any of that “Gee, you’ve changed a little” or “Something about you is different ... No, wait. Don’t tell me.”