Zen Of Zombie (Zen of Zombie Series)

by Scott Kenemore

  Construction of the Pyramids in Ancient Egypt

  Though some historians still profess to be “baffled” at how ancient man could have had the sufficient technology, motivation, and endurance to create these monuments to the dead (clue), more open-minded anthropologists have long understood that the implementation of zombie-labor could be an important missing ingredient. (This was, of course, prior to the great Zombie-Mummy rift, when it became apparent to all that mummies were just unambitious rich kids who wanted to play in their enormous houses but never wanted to come outside and try actually working for a living.)

  Destruction of the Knights Templar

  Saracen invaders and Papal conspiracies tend to dominate modern theories as to the extinction of this ancient order, but few know that the “Knights of Malta” actually retreated to their island as a defense against zombies more than anything else. (This defense was not effective.)

  Disappearance of Amelia Earhart

  Stowaway zombie.

  Loss of Ocean Liner “Titanic”

  Stowaway zombies (navigator eaten).

  In this connection, it is important to note that there are no individually famous zombies. At least no openly famous zombies. Think about that for a second ...

  Zombies, as a species, are famous for lots and lots of things, and have obviously accomplished quite a bit. But you never see a single zombie singled-out for fame.

  When a zombie is successful and receives attention, he doesn’t let the media single him out as anything more than “a zombie.” Not “Bill Taylor the former tax attorney turned Zombie,” not “Bill the Zombie,” and not even “that one zombie in the Brooks Brothers suit from 1972 with half its jaw missing.”

  The only credit a zombie will accept is when he is credited simply as “a zombie.”

  Rather than garnering personal attention, a zombie prefers to be a credit only to his race ... the zombie race.

  So the next time you have a chance to tack your name onto a work project (that you really didn’t help with that much), get a “Based on Characters Created By” screenwriting credit (when all you really did was say “Hey ... what if there’s also a talking dog or something?” one time at a readthrough), or discover a secret nerve toxin that can turn deceased human cadavers into the walking dead, remember:

  A zombie never asks to be credited for his work, because the work itself should be its own reward.

  10

  Do Go There (and Stay There Until You Get What You Want)

  As we enter the final stretch of your zombification training, it’s time to focus on a final lesson about interacting with others. Namely, the places zombies can take you and the places they take other people.

  There is virtually no place that a zombie will not go, physically or otherwise. In previous sections we’ve focused on how this endows it with such obvious traits as fearlessness and bravery. A zombie’s willingness to “go” anywhere is another thing that makes it an excellent model.

  The oft repeated admonition “Don’t go there” is already suspect. After evolving naturally in the vernacular, these days it tends to be relegated to sarcastic and ironic uses. In the media, it tends only to be used by ethnic sitcom characters. As flummoxing and nonsensical as the expression might be for you or me, it has even less meaning for a zombie. A zombie takes orders and advice from no one, and certainly doesn’t hesitate to go somewhere that has brains to eat.

  In the world of the average human, warnings against “going there” tend to relate not to physical places as much as levels of discourse. Sure, now and then you’ll hear something like:

  “The Tool Box? Don’t go there on a weekend. It’s such a meat-market.”

  -or-

  “Don’t go there for your next suit. Let my uncle save you a bundle at his store instead.”

  But more frequently, it’s:

  “Don’t go there, girlfriend. My man is off limits.”

  -or-

  “Don’t go there before five o’clock. That kind of talk can make for sexual harassment charges.”

  -or-

  “Don’t go there. He’s really sensitive about it!”

  When we are admonished, as in these later examples, it is not against physically going to a particular place or location. Rather, it is a topic, subject, or field of study that is not allowed.

  Succinctly, the zombification lesson for week 10 is to always, always ignore such urgings.

  Remember:

  Zombies go wherever they want, and this makes them successful.

  To be like a zombie, go wherever you want, physically or otherwise.

  Not “going there” might sound like good advice, and many times the people giving it to you can be well-meaning. However, as a zombie, you should always go there. You should go there without evening thinking about it. It should, and will, become second nature.

  Our first exercise this week will illustrate the value of such a policy. Take up your pen and make a list of at least three examples that stick out in your mind of times when you didn’t go there. It can be somewhere physical as well as somewhere figurative, but be sure to include the topical going there too. Make sure you describe the situation and what your goal was, your interaction or action, the place you didn’t “go,” and the short and long term result. Be as detailed as you need to be.

  Your finished list might look like this:

  Setting: Bill and I are both up for the promotion to Regional VP. Ms. Fleming calls both of us into her office at the same time to talk about the Beta 3 project.

  Goal: Get the promotion. Bill and I both worked on Beta 3, so obviously the boss is just trying to tell which one of us was the real brains behind the project that made it work.

  Interaction: Fleming talks to me first, which is good because I can talk about all the work I did with the business model and cross-selling the functionality. I lay it all out and I’m totally honest. I figure this is a good way to go, since I really did 90 percent of the work on Beta 3, and Bill mostly suggested things that didn’t work and then took a vacation. I don’t want to be snitty though, so I just mention that Bill was away for a little of it.

  Then Bill gets his turn and goes into this ridiculous spiel where he doesn’t even mention Beta 3. Instead, he just starts lying through his teeth. He talks about how he was on vacation for part of the project because he was going to India to meditate with a guru in a zero carbon-impact Sakra center, or something. He concludes by saying how the trip gave him this special insight into what Beta 3 needed to work, and how his input saved the project.

  Laughable, right?

  The problem is, Fleming is into Yoga and meditation and stuff (there is a fucking dreamcatcher hanging above her desk for chrissake) and she’s eating this up hand over fist. Also at issue, in my opinion, is the fact that Bill didn’t go to India. He went to Indiana, specifically to spend his bonus on riverboat gambling, Chivas, and full-contact lap dances.

  Where I didn’t go: I wanted to tell Fleming the truth about Bill, but it felt like a low blow. (Also, isn’t there supposed to be a rule that what happens in Hammond stays in Hammond?) I was confused about how to proceed, and I just kept my mouth shut and hoped Fleming would see through it.

  Result: As Regional VP, Bill has twice as much money and vacation time to Hoosier-away, and I have a new dreamcatcher hanging over my desk.

  Setting: Running for Alderman in Chicago. Incumbent is a loveable icon and neighborhood fixture. He’s also in bed with zoning board, taking kickbacks from everybody, and three of the five “elevator inspectors” he appointed to the city payroll are relatives who have never been seen actually inspecting an elevator.

  Goal: Beat this guy.

  Interaction: I get my campaign off the ground—really grass roots, my family and friends and stuff—and then there’s this article in the Sun-Times about how I want to run as a reformer and am all excited about the debate coming up. Suddenly, this group of business leaders and local clergy want to meet with me. I’m thinking, “S
core! These people are ready for real change.”

  But when I arrive, they’re all: “Our current alderman is a pillar of the community. He gets things done. People know him and love him. Children wave to him in the park.” Like this guy is Santa Claus or something.

  So I say, “Look, everybody knows he takes dirty money and gives his relatives jobs they don’t do. I know he gets things done, but I can get things done too.”

  And they say: “Our alderman has the complete support of our chamber of commerce and the interfaith alliance. We’re not telling you not to run, but those things ‘everybody knows’ have never been proved. You bring them up at the debate, and there’re gonna be consequences. Maybe we find some things in your past, too.”

  And I’m thinking, do they know about the thing in my fraternity with the sheep?

  Where I didn’t go: The debate rolls around and like a dumbass I stick to topics like parking stickers, building a new playground in Madlangbayan Park, and starting neighborhood watch programs.

  Result: He hands me my ass on election day. I go back to being a deputy clerk in Streets and Sanitation.

  Do the above examples look a little like yours? If they do, don’t feel bad. It’s a challenge to take the fight where it needs to go. We’re taught from childhood not to “make waves” or “be mean to people.” We opt out of things because we have accepted the lie that some things are off limits “because they just are.” Consequently, we allow ourselves to get talked out of doing the very things we want to do (and saying the things we want to say). Pointing out that a beloved man is a crook, or that a failed man is (on top of it all) also stupid, gives us a twinge of guilt.

  It shouldn’t.

  Zombies feel no guilt. Or shame. They just take the fight to the enemy as hard as they can.

  Some people think of “going there” as fighting dirty or using unnecessary force.

  Did you ever hear of a zombie who wanted a good, clean fight? Do zombies spare the feelings (physical and emotional) of certain parties out of mercy and decorum? Do you ever hear of zombies making a “clean kill” with pistols at dawn, or whatever?

  No, no, and no.

  Zombies just fight to get what they want. There is no measure of force which they hesitate to expend toward their end. When attacked, zombies react like Clinton political campaigns. When on the attack, zombies use everything in their arsenal.

  History books aren’t going to censure zombies for using superior force against an obviously inferior foe. (And certainly not for insinuating that Barack Obama had slaveowning ancestors.)

  Therein lies the lesson.

  When you become like a zombie, you will assume a zombie’s don’t-fuck-with-me reputation. Those who consider attacking you will understand that doing so would mean total war. No skirmishes. No calculated strikes on military installations only. Only complete life-or-death combat until one of you has lost his or her brain.

  There are numerous advantages to attaining this reputation. No one messes with you lightly. There is no gangstering, steering, or intimidation. Those who do want to fight you to the death will do so, and they won’t pussyfoot around beforehand, either.

  Zombie Tip:

  Your eyes SHOULD be bigger than your stomach.

  The concept of overeating is utterly nonsensical to a zombie. So don’t sweat it if this is your third helping and your buffet plate is so overloaded and piled high that everyone turns to gape. To have seconds, or thirds, or thirty-fifths, is very like a zombie.

  For the rest of week 10, you will live out this maxim by adopting a zombie’s tactic of “going there” as completely as possible, and in every situation.

  In your day-to-day interactions this week, do your best to notice when someone is giving you a “don’t go there” kind of message. It could be as obvious as a construction worker asking you to detour your walk because of freshly lain pavement, or as subtle as a batted eyelash and a disapproving glance at a cocktail party. When you think it may be happening, ask yourself how you might ignore the suggested on the grandest possible scale. Just like a zombie.

  A referee’s giant gut and patchy beard might be “off limits” to the other parents at the Little League game, but you need to start calling him Paunchy McPeachfuzz if you want your kid’s strike zone to get any bigger.

  The rest of the family might make a point not to rent Roxanne around your long-nosed sister-in-law. But you like Steve Martin, so go for it, dude. Hell, bring up the similarities if you need to. It should be plain as, you know ...

  A work superior’s ovoid shape might be a well-known point of sensitivity, but you need to remember names, especially during the first month, and “eggman” is so much easier than “president and founder.”

  Keep it up, and you’ll soon enjoy the results in many areas.

  Aside from the occasional fight to the death, people interacting with you will adopt a much more pleasant and effective demeanor towards you, knowing full well that every physical flaw, emotional failing, and recurring venereal condition is fair fodder for your arsenal. In fact, the catapults are already loaded and aimed.

  When the world knows you will “go there” with alacrity and ease, your life will go much easier.

  And for the people who just met you, well, aren’t they in for a surprise?

  11

  In the Zombie Zone

  There are many paths toward success, and many ways to move forward. The self-help sections of bookstores offer a panoply of choices. You can live your “best life” by affirming what’s important to you, utilize “the secret” of focusing on something you want all goddamn day, or even “stop using psychoactive drugs” if that’s your thing.

  One of the important differences, however, between this book and others like it, is that by becoming like a zombie, the traits and good habits you adopt will become second nature. We repeat them week-by-week in this part of the book so that you can add them one at a time, until they become as automatic as reacting. A zombie doesn’t walk around thinking “be like a zombie ... be like a zombie ... ” or “what would a zombie do in this situation?” A zombie just does. It just is.

  If you’ve made it as far as week 11, and I hope you have (there is nothing more pitiful than a zombie-drop out), then you’ve already seen the positive impact that becoming more like a zombie has on your life. I’d like to applaud your persistence , because getting this far has required some effort. As you prepare for complete zombihood, there is one last thing we are going to change.

  Let me start by asking some questions:

  Have you ever had a really good day when everything seemed to go right?

  Have you ever been in a place where you were able to make all the right decisions automatically, without hesitating or second-guessing yourself?

  Have you ever been, as the sportscasters say, in the zone?

  It’s normal to have occasional moments of greatness in which we don’t make any errors—in which we simply know exactly what must be done and then do it. Everyone occasionally experiences something like this. The trick is finding a way back to these moments, which are as mysterious and fleeting as they are invigorating and wonderful. The way is difficult, however, and far too many stand to profit from providing bad advice.

  Zombie Tip: Make time for yourself.

  With today’s hectic, modern schedules, it’s important for us to find ways to make times for the activities we really value. Whether it’s more time with the kids, “private lessons” with your tennis instructor Hans, or eating a bunch of people, you’ve got to make “me” time. Nobody else is going to do it for you.

  Since the earliest snake-oil salesmen, consumers have proved ready and willing to buy any and every product that promised a way back to being in “the zone.” Whether it’s repressed-memory psychotherapy, a new fad diet, or a heavily advertised sugared sports drink, these routes to effectiveness often prove to be no more than an expensive distraction.