In the Fire

by Eileen Griffin

  My eyebrows rose as fury roared through my body. “Me? I gave up? Are you kidding me? I called you every week. I worked my ass off to save for all those calling cards. Sometimes double shifts, seven days a week. But after a while, every time I called I either got your machine or your asshole roomie. So don’t tell me I never called you. And don’t tell me if the roles were reversed, you wouldn’t have been pissed if I had skipped out on us graduating together so I could go off and play house with my new BFF.”

  I winced when I saw my words hit their mark, but I’d been holding on to this pain for too long to hold it in any longer. His homecoming and our graduation was supposed to have been time for us to reconnect. Instead, we’d reinvented our lives on opposite sides of the country. There’d been years of lonely nights, empty hookups that held no meaning. Even Lily couldn’t make a dent in my armor. All because of him. Every time I closed my eyes, all I saw was Jamie Lassiter.

  I couldn’t hold back the rush of words anymore. “The last time I called, what was it, maybe at the end of April or May? Instead of you, I got him. And he gave me the politest brush-off known to man. It was like I got fired from our relationship.” I tried and failed to keep the venom out of my voice. “I know we hadn’t been together long but seriously? Getting dumped by your roommate was pretty shitty. You could have at least let me down in person.”

  “Ethan—”

  “The topper on the cake? Finding out you and good old Trev talked about us. You told him, Jamie. You told him everything. How you had to help poor pitiful me through our pastry rotation. How you had to hold my hand through the semester so I didn’t fail. How much I embarrassed you. I bet it was hilarious.” My voice cracked on the last word and I swallowed hard.

  His face blanched as my words sunk in, and his stricken look told me everything I needed to know. It was true. Trevor had been right. When it came down to it, we had nothing.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Jamie

  “What did you say?”

  As masochistic as it was, I’d hoped for this chance all night. The chance to finally clear the air about what had happened, both eight years ago and the night of the awards dinner. I had steeled myself for it to hurt, and I knew in my gut this would all end with us still apart. But this? This threw me.

  Ethan just stood there glaring at me. What in the hell was he talking about?

  “Your boyfriend informed me at the studio how much fun you had laughing at poor little Ethan, who couldn’t even pass his classes without your help. I’m sure you both had a blast talking about how pathetic I was.” His voice wavered with hurt as he stared at me, wounded and defensive. “The best part? When he told me how much I embarrassed you and how you were glad to be rid of me. I loved you, and that’s how you felt about me.”

  I sucked in a breath as the words punched me in the gut. None of it made sense. I’d never stopped calling Ethan. Yes, my schedule was hectic and time zones were a bitch to work around, but I had never stopped calling. Toward the end, my frustration got the better of me and I’d wait longer and longer between phone calls when I’d get nothing but his answering machine, but at least I left messages. I never even got that much, if or when he called. And what in the hell was that about Trevor? I couldn’t wrap my brain around any scenario where Trevor would purposely not tell me Ethan had called. And laughing and joking about Ethan? Laughing with Trevor about helping him pass his classes? The thought made me both sick and enraged at the same time.

  “I’m lost here, Ethan. Not once did I ever laugh at you. Not. Once. God, I can’t believe you would even think I could do that. Why in the hell would you think that? You know me. You—”

  He threw the towel he had slung across his shoulder on the counter. “Correction—I thought I knew you. If you’re so clueless, why don’t you ask Trustfund what I’m talking about? I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to fill you in on our little chat during your interview at the studio.”

  I closed my eyes, willing myself to see the missing piece to this whole conversation. Of course I’d talked to Trevor about my rapidly crumbling relationship. For god’s sake, I’d been tired and homesick with a whole ocean separating me and Ethan, so of course I had talked to him. Some nights I even told him how much I looked forward to seeing him again. But I had never talked about Ethan as if he was someone to be ashamed of. I’d never made fun of him. Never.

  Ethan was stubborn as hell, and he had loved me once. I knew he had. So if he hadn’t been done with our relationship, it made no sense that he hadn’t tried to fight for us after I’d supposedly told him we were over. Just like it made no sense that I’d believed he’d stopped calling and suddenly stopped wanting me.

  “I never knew. Trevor never told me. I swear. I can’t... I just don’t understand any of this.”

  He looked away and tossed his dirty towel to the floor, grabbing a new one to continue wiping down the already pristine counter.

  “Goddammit, Ethan. Look at me. Can’t you see how clueless I am right now? I can’t pretend to know what you’re talking about when I seem to be missing out on some important conversations here. But, for the love of god, look at me and at least talk to me.”

  His jaw tensed. “I think we’ve said enough, don’t you, Golden Boy?”

  I stilled and sucked in a breath as I realized he’d let things end between us because he thought I didn’t want him. I sagged against the nearest prep table. “I—I don’t understand any of this and I’m not going to pretend to. Just please listen to me, for once. I missed you so goddamn much when I was in Paris. I lived for the days when it wasn’t an email on my computer, but your voice on the other end of the phone line. When your calls starting coming more infrequently, I thought your school and work schedule must have been the reason. Not us. Not because we didn’t love each other anymore. I trusted you to tell me if something was wrong. But then the calls didn’t just slow down, they stopped coming altogether. The only real connection I had to you anymore was through those sterile emails filled with nothing except a laundry list of what we’d done during the week. Even those stopped coming after a while and were replaced with ones filled with bitterness and contempt for everything I did there. If you were me, what would you have thought?”

  Ethan crossed his arms over his chest. “I would have called to find out what was up. But you never thought of that, did you?”

  His words hit me hard. “I tried, but you’re right. I didn’t fight hard enough for us, and for that, I screwed up. I’m realizing it more now than I ever have. All I knew is I was thousands of miles away from home and suddenly, everything stopped. Your calls, your emails, everything. In my heart I truly believed you gave up on us. Whether it was because of Trevor or not, trust me, I will find out. I just don’t see why he would do it. Why would he lie and not tell me you had called? I’ve known him for almost nine years. And over that time he’s been my best friend and my manager. I trust him with my life and my career, so forgive me if all of this isn’t adding up for me.”

  “You don’t know why? God, Jamie, how blind can you be?” Ethan asked softly. His green eyes were dark with emotion. “He’s in love with you. Anyone can see that much. He wanted you then and he wants you now.”

  For a moment I blinked at him. Trevor was my friend, the closest thing to a family I had left. Once I’d thought of Ethan and Claire as family. But it had changed when the distance between us became more than just miles on a map. When I finally admitted to myself Ethan and I were over, I’d cut off all contact with my old life and focused on my career with Trevor’s help. I knew everything about my manager and best friend. Being in love with me wasn’t even on the table.

  Anger rolled through me on the heels of shock and I took a step closer, feeling the barest hint of amusement when Ethan swallowed hard and took a step back. Fear flashed in his eyes before he hid it. Ethan was afraid of this. Of us. Of me. Of all the peop
le in the world, I terrified him. Emboldened, I took another step forward.

  “Bullshit. Trevor and I are friends. Just friends. Don’t try and make this about him. This is about you and me. You just gave up on us, Ethan.”

  “You’re so clueless.”

  “Clueless? I loved you. Do you even remember that?”

  His voice rose as he flung his arms out and clenched his fists. “You chose New York. And you chose Trevor.”

  His chest rose and fell with each angry breath he took. None of this added up. Nothing Ethan had said was the way I remembered it from eight years ago. I hadn’t chosen Trevor. I’d chosen an opportunity I thought Ethan would support. I would definitely be having a conversation with Trevor about this, but finally hearing Ethan’s side of all this made me realize we had more to work out than I had originally thought. I took another step closer, watching as Ethan backed up until he bumped against the table behind him.

  “I did. As much as it pains me to admit it, it’s true. I chose New York and an internship under a five-star chef in one of the most influential culinary cities in the U.S. But you chose things too, Ethan. You chose to give up on us because it was easier than fighting for what we had. I would have stayed here in Seattle with you. I would have given up the scholarship and Paris if you’d asked me. But you never did. You never would have. Because you wanted me to have the opportunity.”

  I took a deep breath and felt my body relax. Words wouldn’t be enough with Ethan. I took another step forward. He needed to feel what I had, that even after all the shit we’d said there was still the spark and connection. “Do you even remember what happened after the awards ceremony, Ethan? Apart from you drinking enough alcohol to pickle your brain?”

  Ethan paled and braced his hands against the table behind him as he shook his head.

  I began to close the remaining distance between us. “I think you do remember. I think you remember being a total asshole and lashing out at everyone while you were tossing back the drinks faster than you could sling your nasty barbs. I hope you remember me taking you back to my hotel room instead of letting you find your own drunk-ass way home to yours, since we both know you wouldn’t have made it there before passing out. And even if you don’t, I definitely remember dragging your drunk ass up to my room and putting you in my shower to sober up. It’s actually pretty shitty for you if you don’t remember the next part, because I don’t think I could ever forget stripping off your wet clothes and watching us both in the mirror as you stroked me off. Because even after all your bullshit you pulled in front of everyone, I wanted to take care of you. Not because I had to, but because I still gave a shit about you hurting yourself, even when you hurt me.”

  I paused, holding his gaze which had gone dark. “And once you were safely on the couch? I remember you kissing me just like you used to. Like eight years hadn’t passed and we were just two terrified college kids again. You kissed me like you wanted me again. Not because of this—” I gestured at my clothes, “—but because it was me.”

  Ethan couldn’t hide his shock at my outburst as my words sunk in. The sick feeling of doubt I had felt for way too long uncoiled deep inside me. This was the only person I could never get out of my system, no matter how much we had hurt each other. What if he truly was over us? Would I be able to accept it and finally move on?

  I swallowed hard at the thought of spending more wasted years wondering what would have happened if... If we had talked instead of slinging accusations. If I had come home to Seattle instead of New York. If he had told me about Trevor’s private talks with him instead of just assuming I was so weak I’d had someone else do my dirty work. Seeing him in front of me right now, I knew I couldn’t go through the rest of my life with what-ifs.

  I tamped the doubt down, steeling my resolve. Maybe Ethan was content to keep running, but I was done. His words might say he didn’t want this, want me. But his body couldn’t lie.

  I stepped close enough to feel his body heat, leaned in and brushed my lips over his softly, like he’d kissed me the night of the awards ceremony. “God, you piss me off more than any human being alive, Ethan. But at least I can admit while we were in New York, I wanted you. God help me, I still do. Even when you drive me crazy and you don’t make any damn sense.”

  He tried to pull away, but I fisted my hand in the fabric of his shirt and pulled him closer. I couldn’t let him run away again.

  This was my one shot to show him how much I had missed him, missed this, every day since I had left for Paris. If I screwed this up, it wouldn’t matter anyway. We’d go our separate ways and finally call it quits. But I was damned if I didn’t give this one last try. I had been lying to myself earlier when I told Trevor I didn’t know whether I was still in love with Ethan. Seeing him now, hearing the hurt in his voice over things I would have sworn never happened, and feeling his body up against mine was enough to convince me I had to push this.

  “Do you realize how badly I wanted to give in back in my hotel room? Do you have any idea how badly I wanted to touch you like you had touched me? How much I wanted to continue instead of stopping right then? The only reason I didn’t let it go any further was because you were drunk. At least now you’re not drunk. You’ll remember this.”

  When I brushed my lips over his again, tugging his bottom lip with my teeth, I felt Ethan shudder against me. This had driven him crazy before our lives had gotten in the way. Heat bloomed low in my stomach as I felt him respond. No one kissed me like Ethan did. Hungry and desperate like he couldn’t breathe without me.

  I felt him try to pull away and I fisted his shirt tighter in my hand to hold him close. He wasn’t going to get the chance to run away from me tonight. Not when my body was reminding me how right it felt pressed up against him like this.

  “Lassiter... Jamie. I can’t think when you do that.”

  I ran my free hand down his side to rest it on his hip. “Then stop thinking. I’m simply asking you to feel this. Don’t try and make this just sex. This is more. This is you and me.”

  He reached between us to cover my hand with his, hissing when I tugged his lip with my teeth again. “Goddammit, Jamie.” The fight left his body all at once as he pulled back from the kiss. “This would go a lot smoother if you’d just stop talking.”

  He slid his palms under the hem of my shirt, setting my skin on fire everywhere his fingers touched. “That’s how we got into trouble in the first place. We stopped talking.”

  He nodded slowly and pulled me closer. Ethan’s long lean body felt right against mine. I leaned in again, deepening the kiss when my tongue touched the metal piercing in his.

  “God, I’ve missed this. I missed you,” I muttered, deepening the kiss as his palms slid up my back.

  When the kitchen door thudded closed behind us, we both froze.

  “Well now. I’d hoped you were going to finally talk, but this looks like more than talking.”

  Ethan cursed and pushed me away, and this time I let him.

  “Impeccable timing as always, Clairebear.”

  I attempted to straighten my shirt and cleared my throat, knowing my own face was red with embarrassment at getting caught necking like a damn teenager in the kitchen. “Yeah, just talking.”

  Her eyebrow rose and her lips quirked into the trademark Martin smirk. “Talking with his tongue in your mouth? Or vice versa. Whatever. I’m heading home. You lock up, E.”

  Claire ruffled my hair before she shrugged into her coat.

  “It was good seeing you, Jamie. Don’t be a stranger when you’re in town.”

  “I won’t, I promise.”

  “Good, ̓cause I will hunt you down and kick your ass if I have to.”

  A smile spread across my face. I’d missed her.

  Once we were alone in the kitchen Ethan looked at me, but I knew whatever moment we’d had was now gone. He
cleared his throat and crossed his arms. “I’ve got shit to catch up on before I leave for the night.”

  Are we ever going to stop running from each other?

  Defeated and more confused than when I first showed up, I nodded and looked at my watch. “I’ve got to get back to the hotel anyway.”

  I wondered if he was going to let me leave without any other discussion about what had just happened between us. The urge to press the issue warred with my knowledge that when Ethan was done, he was done. This would have to be revisited another time. Preferably after I talked to Trevor.

  “This isn’t over.”

  He raised his chin, defiant as always. “It never is.”

  I nodded and without another word, I left. I was being irrational. There was no future here with Ethan. We lived on opposite sides of the country. Ethan was still attracted to me, sure, but he also didn’t seem to like me or trust me. It didn’t matter. As selfish as it sounded, all that mattered was I needed Ethan to love me again.

  On the walk back to the hotel, I felt sick from the knot of confusion growing in the pit of my stomach. No matter how I turned it all over in my mind, I still couldn’t pinpoint a solution to help us get out of this problem. The attraction was still there between us, the kiss had confirmed that. But as soon as Claire had walked in, that mask of detachment fell into place. And even though I felt him pull back in the kitchen, I wondered if he hadn’t been the only one who had pulled back all those years ago. Now I just had to hope after I’d taken this first step back toward him, he’d do the same. The question was, now that I had taken a leap of faith, what would it cost me? I had told myself to be prepared for whatever outcome this trip brought me, but in all honesty, I was terrified of getting hurt. Again.