Luci's Lullaby

by Leaona Luxx

“I know it makes me feel closer to Chord. Like we’re one and can get through anything.” Sarah smiles coyishly at him.

  I cock my brow. “Are you telling me to go have sex with Alden and then maybe we can talk this out? Because I’m thinking that’s a no.”

  “No, that isn’t what we’re saying.” Sarah snickers.

  “But as a man in this conversation I just have to say, you could try it. Nothing wrong with trying.” Chord winks at me, and I blush.

  “Men. You can’t live with them and you can’t beat ’em.” Sarah crosses her eyes, making me smile.

  “I need to talk to him,” I say on a sniffle.

  Chord smiles. “Did you happen to hear the news before you fell out?”

  “What news?” My heart pounds in my ears. Surely, he didn’t take another contract.

  “Jessica signed an affidavit saying Sam paid her to accuse Alden of being her baby daddy.” Chord quirks his lip.

  A tiny ray of light in this wreck of a life. “How in the world did they get that so quickly?”

  Chord and Sarah chuckle. “One, he’s dead after Sam over Aksel,” Sarah says.

  “He loves his kids so much.” I clutch my chest, thinking of Luci.

  Chord side-eyes Sarah. “The boys aren’t One’s.”

  “What?” I sit up.

  “They’re Lea’s, but don’t tell One. He fell in love with all of them and sees no difference with their kids.” Sarah grins.

  “Exactly the way I feel about Luci.”

  “Give it some time then talk to him. Don’t. No matter what, take some time and make sure they’re what you want.” Sarah tugs on my hand. “Now, come see our girl.”

  I move over to their couch and take her from Sarah’s arms. Jordan’s mouth forms a perfect pout. “She’s so beautiful, y’all.”

  They beam, smiling together as she lays against Chord. “We think so. We’re blessed.”

  “It’s been two weeks. Two weeks without kissing Luci or smelling her sweet cheeks fresh from a bath.” I’m curled up in a chair in the living room. “I miss her, Momma.”

  “You’re not going to feel better until you go see her.” Momma smacks her lips at me as if to say, ‘I told you so’.

  “I can’t, he hasn’t called or texted me. Nothing.”

  “Call him, or are you still mad at him?” She raises her brows.

  I half shrug. “Kinda still mad.”

  “So what are you so angry about?” She pins me with her ire.

  I shake my head. “I think I’m more angry about the fact he left her. I didn’t expect him to love me. He never did, so why start now.”

  “Now who you tryin’ to fool?” She stares at me. “Young lady, I knew the minute that boy showed up before we left that he was in love with you.”

  “What?” I sit up.

  She smirks. “Oh, I don’t think I ever told you.”

  “Tell me what, Momma?” I scoot to the end of the couch.

  She rubs her bottom lip, thinking. “The day we left to move down here, he dropped by the house.”

  “He did what?” My mouth hangs.

  Momma leans over and pushes my mouth closed. “Close that, honey, it’s unbecoming.”

  “Mother! Tell me what you know.”

  “It was after they had buried his parents; poor little boy was so lost. He asked if you were home, but you had gone down the back path to spy on him like you always did. I told him we were getting to move.

  “He said he wanted to thank you for getting his guitar case and for always being the sweetest girl in the school. I asked if that was all and he said, ‘Tell her she has the most beautiful blue eyes, and I’ll never forget them.” I’m gob-smacked.

  “Please tell me you’re lying.” My pulse races.

  “I do not lie, young lady.” She glowers at me. “I was so happy he stopped by that day. If it’s right, it’ll come back.”

  I blink rapidly. “All these years and you never told me.”

  “It wouldn’t have meant as much as it does now.” She runs her hand down my face.

  I slump. “It still doesn’t, I’m not sure we can work it out.”

  My phone buzzes with an incoming text, so I pick it up thinking it’s Emerson or Reese, but it isn’t. It’s Alden. I open it up to see that he sent me a voice recording.

  “Mmm-mmm-mmm.” Luci giggles. “Mom-mom-mom.” I gasp as I leap off of the chair.

  “Oh my gracious! Luci said mom! She said mom.” My heart thunders in my chest as pride fills it.

  Momma smiles so brightly. “She loves her mom too.”

  “She does, she must miss me.” And now, it plummets back to earth. “He probably won’t let me see her.”

  Momma narrows her eyes. “He said he loves you too, that doesn’t change in two weeks.”

  “He didn’t send a text or anything with the recording, Mom.” My lip trembles as I admit silently what I know—he doesn’t want to work it out.

  “It also doesn’t mean he didn’t want to.” She stares.

  “Momma, I said things to him I shouldn’t have because I’m still so mad at my own father.”

  “Why would you do that? They’re two different people with two different problems and outcomes.” She shakes her head at me.

  I fall back into the chair. “I thought if it was so easy for him to leave this time, he’d do it again just as easily. And this time, he’d leave for good.”

  “Who said it was easy for him? Charlee, Alden isn’t your dad. You may not like the way he did things, but at least he came back.” Momma pins me with a pointed glare.

  “What if he leaves me? I don’t think my heart could stand to lose the love of my life again.”

  “What if you don’t? You’ll miss out on the love of your life.” Momma pats my knee as she walks away.

  “I don’t think I can talk to him, no matter how much I want to.” A sharp pain in the pit of my stomach takes my breath away.

  “I still believe he’d let you see Luci if you’d ask,” Momma says from the kitchen.

  “I’ll call Reese in the morning, see if we can arrange something.” I follow her to the kitchen and kiss her goodnight. “Night, Momma.”

  “Goodnight, love.” Momma hugs me.

  I drag myself to bed, where I toss and turn all night. Luci’s crib in the corner a constant reminder of what was and what could be. By five in the morning, I’m determined to ask to see her.

  “I’m assuming you’re waiting for a specific time to call?” Momma watches me carefully.

  I chew on my nail. “I don’t want to call too early.”

  She glances at the clock on the wall. “Yeah, I can see that eleven in the morning might too early for some.”

  “You know something, you’re pushy.” I narrow my eyes at her, trying to be intimidating. She giggles. “Fine, I’ll call.”

  I pick up my phone and push dial. I already had her number pulled up. Two rings in and I’m ready to end the call, until she answers.

  “Hello,” Reese sings. “How are you?”

  “Caller I.D. spoiling one surprise call after the other.” I giggle. “I’m okay, how are you?”

  “I’ve been better, but I think you understand.” She sighs.

  “Sorry about that. Is everything alright? Things going well?” I pick at imaginary lint on my shirt.

  She snickers. “They’re doing good, they miss you.”

  “Not so subtle, am I?” She giggles again. “Maybe about as much as he is.”

  “I was hoping to see Luci, what do you think my chances are?” I hold my breath.

  “Charlee, Alden stands by his word. You can see her anytime you want.” Reese’s voice breaks on his name. Yeah, mine did too.

  I take a deep breath. “Do you think I could keep her overnight?”

  “Without a doubt.” She hesitates. “You could call him and set something up.”

  “I was hoping you could do it for me. I can’t talk to him yet.” And just like that, my heart breaks again. Funny
, I thought it couldn’t get more broken.

  There’s a long silence. “I texted him, he said whatever’s good for you.”

  “Today? I could meet Emerson or ask her to bring Luci here.” I rub the pain in my chest.

  She releases a long sigh. “He said, of course.”

  “That’s all.” I bite back the tears. “He didn’t say anything else?”

  “Does it matter?” Reese cuts me deep.

  I flick the escaped tear off my cheek. “I suppose not.”

  “Charlee, I’m not sure anyone can say anything to either of you that hasn’t been said, but the fact you’re both miserable says so much. You should try talking to each other.” Reese played so nice just now, all of it I already know.

  I hold myself together with what little strength I have left. “I’m afraid. As much as I love him, I can’t get past what happened and the fact it could again.”

  “You’re allowing your fears to dictate your future. Trust me when I tell you it never turns out how you think. If missing a lifetime with Alden is worth it, there’s nothing else I can say.” Her voice quivers.

  I swallow past the knot in my throat. “I’m still so unsure about us; will my love be enough to get us through. It wasn’t before.”

  “Call Em and arrange a time. He’ll have her ready,” she says softly.

  I sniffle. “I will, thank you.”

  I hang up and dial Emerson, and she picks up immediately.

  “Hello.” She sounds so happy.

  “Hey, girl. I suppose you know why I’m calling.” I snicker.

  “I do. Alden said anytime, you name it,” she exclaims.

  My breath hitches. “Now, I miss her so much.”

  “I’ll go get her and bring her over,” she says.

  I swallow hard. “Thank you.” I end the call feeling so good, so why doesn’t my heart?

  I pace the floor, watching the clock. It feels as if it’s been forever since I spoke to her. It’s not like we live a hundred miles apart, he’s right down the road. I run my hand through my hair again.

  “You’re going to go bald,” my mom says.

  “Probably.” I bite the corner of my lip as I watch the road by my house.

  I glance at the clock and hear something. I whip my head around to see Emerson walking toward me with my girl. I almost take the door from its hinges running to her.

  My arms outstretched, I have her pressed against my chest before I can take another breath. “Oh, my sweet girl. I’ve missed you so very much.” I’m overcome, and my knees begin to buckle.

  “Charlee, come on, let’s get y’all inside.” Emerson walks with us to be my eyes because I can’t see through the tears.

  “I’m sorry.” I snub. “I’ve missed them.”

  Emerson’s eyes snap to mine. “You mean, her. You’ve missed her.”

  “Yes, of course. I meant her.” I dry my face, staring at our perfect girl. “She’s growing so fast.”

  “She is and babbles night and day.” Emerson grins.

  “I heard a recording of it, she can say mom.” I beam to which Luci rewards me.

  “Mmm-mom.” She giggles. “Ddd-dada.”

  I hold her close to my heart. “Oh my word. Is there anything more precious?”

  “I don’t think so; I know Alden doesn’t.” Emerson’s eyes flicker to mine.

  “Still hurts. Still in love. Still too afraid to do a damn thing about it.” I giggle cry.

  She pulls me into a hug. “Listen to your heart, Charlee.”

  “It always lets me down.” The hole in my chest is nothing more than a gaping wound.

  She leans back. “That’s an excuse, not a reason.” She kisses my cheek. “I gotta go. By the way, Luci has a new favorite song for naptime and bedtime. I sent it to you in a text. Just play it and she’ll fade right off.”

  “Will do.” I wave. “Tell him, thank you.”

  She waves with a smile. “He already knows.”

  “It’s so good to see you, baby girl.” I kiss Luci’s cheeks. “Let’s go play and read.”

  We spend hours doing everything we used to do. Playing with ‘bun-bun’, a bunny I bought her while Alden was gone. I read to her, one of my favorite times of the day.

  When she begins to yawn, I bath and feed her and take some time to rock her. “I think I miss this the most, Luci.”

  She leans back, babbling away. “I know, it’s been a great day,” I reply to her. Standing, I walk over and dig through her bag. I remember Emerson said something about a song.

  “It’s on my phone, let’s go listen to it.” I grab my phone and settle in with her. I push play and a familiar pang takes my breath as I hear Alden’s voice.

  “For my girls, Lullaby.” My heart is in my throat as the guitar starts to play, and Alden’s sensual voice sings to me.

  “Another lonesome highway, wouldn't even know where it goes,

  A tumbleweed in my day, I only went where the wind blows

  And I think I've finally lost my mind,

  In you, I'm scared what I might find...

  Nothing can compare, I've never easily scared,

  But I long for our nights

  Never had a dime, couldn't even claim my mind,

  but you all brought me light

  I can't save the world, but with you and this little girl,

  I can save my life.

  Lost up in this Earth, I finally found some worth,

  They're called my daughter and this girl, I want to make my wife

  Another empty bottle, another sad, sad song,

  Fearlessly hit the throttle, never knew I'd be so wrong,

  And I think I've finally found some reason why,

  With you, I don't feel so blind

  Turns out, children aren’t the only ones who need a lullaby.”

  I’m shattered. His words speak volumes of truth and love. How can he do this to me, affect me so deeply and not even be here? I know it’s because deep in my soul, he is my counterpoint.

  This man is my heart and soul. With each and every word, he tells me how much he loves us and the fact that this love saved him. I lay a sleeping Luci in her bed and grab my phone.

  I hurry from my room to find Mom with tears in her eyes, in the living room “I have to go.”

  “I know.” She hugs me. “I’ve got her, go find your heart.”

  I smile. “I don’t have to find it; it’s where I left it all this time.” I race from my house going to find him.

  I park in front of the house, staring at it as I get my head together. I shake it clear. “What are you doing? After all you’ve been through, just go. Don’t think, just do.”

  I push the car door open and run to the door. I press play on Lullaby and wait. My heart pounds in my ears as I wait for what feels like a lifetime. It’s late and I begin to worry he may have gone out.

  I step back, searching the windows for a sign of life.

  “What’re you doing?” I spin to find Alden standing behind me.

  I fidget, trying to find the right words. I shove my phone out. “I heard this.”

  His eyes flicker from me to my phone and back. “Yeah? What do you think?”

  I bite and release my lip as an old, familiar pull sits in my lower belly. I lock eyes with him, his are burning deep and dark. Fear creeps in, silencing my words. I know, in this moment, I can’t let fear win.

  My words won’t come, but I refuse not to allow myself to have this man’s love. So I give him mine, praying he’ll understand. I step into him, gazing into his eyes.

  I wrap my hand around his neck and pull his mouth to mine, kissing him with all the love in my heart. I sweep my tongue with his, holding him to me, telling him everything I can.

  He leans away, searching my eyes, and my heart clenches. “What are you doing?”

  I step back, looking into his eyes. “I needed to tell you how I felt. Feel about you.”

  He drops his head, shaking it. “Charlee…”

  I cl
utch my chest, trying to keep my heart from falling out. “Oh, no.” I shake my head as I retreat further back. “Please don’t say it, I can’t bear it.”

  He frowns. “I love you.”

  “What? I thought you were going to say you didn’t anymore.” My pulse runs rampant.

  He stalks toward me, wrapping me in his arms. “Never, I’ve loved you longer than I ever knew.” His mouth takes mine, and I mold to him.

  He reaches behind us, unlocking the door and pushing me inside. He slams the door and my back into the wall. I fist his hair, trying to get closer as if it’s even possible.

  He pulls back, searching my eyes. “I’ve missed gazing into these, my beautiful baby blues.”

  “I’ve missed you, I’m sorry. I’m just so scared.” He kisses me breathless.

  “Me too, but I know how much you love me, and I’m going to trust you won’t hurt me.” I press my mouth into his. He unbuttons my pants and pushes them down my legs.

  “I do love you.” I drag his shirt over his head and find his mouth again. “Since high school.”

  “I know, I’ve loved you since then but didn’t realize it.” He takes my mouth again.

  I push him back. “Wait. What did you say?”

  He breaks into his boyish smile and picks me up. “I was too shy back then to tell you.” His tongue sweeps into my mouth, swirling with mine. “I’ve never forgotten your eyes, in all the years; they’re what I remember most.”

  He lays us back on the bed, wedging himself between my legs. “Did you know who I was when I came home with you that night?”

  He smirks, and my pussy clenches. “Yeah, please don’t be mad.”

  “When did you know?” I search his eyes and see nothing but love.

  He bites his lip, and I lick the crimson left in his teeth’s aftermath. “The minute you turned around. I’d know your blue eyes anywhere, Charlee Rae. But then you said your name was Rae, so I went with it.”

  “But Reese and that whole thing?”

  “You were so worried about me finding out who you were, I didn’t want to ruin the moment. So I pretended not to know you.” He smiles, lopsidedly.

  “I can’t believe you’d remembered.”

  “Make no mistake, Charlee Rae, you’ve never been unforgettable. It isn’t in your blood.” I pull his mouth to mine.