“Michael, every time I look at you, I see your mother. You have her eyes that were once full of life and beautiful. I know I have darkened them with my rejection for my own son. Michael, I’m so sorry if I made you believe that I don’t love you. I could never hate you son, I just couldn’t feel anymore after she died. You never left her side, and I didn’t get the time that I needed with her in the end. I blamed you for that and it sickens me. I blamed my boy for loving his mother; what kind of man does that?” He sat there releasing my hands, and crying into his. I only had minutes left with him before I was to be taken to face the judge, and Nicolette.
I couldn’t even process what was happening to me right now. Here sat my father crying before me, and reciting his sins one by one, and my mind was spinning.
“Michael, I don’t ever expect you to forgive me for the way I have treated you, or even believe what I am saying to you right now. I’m incredibly sorry for hurting you and disappointing your mother. If your mother could see me now, she would be ashamed, and probably turn her back on me forever.”
My father hung his head low, and then I said, “No she wouldn’t have, my mother was the kindest person I know. She loved us and believed there was good in every human being.” With my final words to my father, I finally had broken through the cloudy image that was my dream every night. If there was ever a time to feel my mother’s presence, it was right here in this room.
My father had finally broken down the walls that kept us apart all these years. I needed to forgive my father, and then I needed to face Nicolette. We both stood and my father hugged me again, and telling me he would see me out there. I had about a minute to pull myself together when John had walked in.
“Michael, it’s time.” I nodded, and was led out by a court officer into the court room of Judge Northwick. I looked around not seeing Nicolette yet, only her attorney and the prosecutor.
“Could she have changed her mind?” I leaned in to ask John, he shook his head in response. Nicolette was in the Judge’s chambers as we speak. I asked John, why was Nicolette speaking privately to the judge? John offered me no answers, and instructed me to remain quiet.
My father leaned in, and gripped my shoulders, telling me no matter what happens here today, he will support and stand by me. Any other time, I probably would have told him to go to hell, but today was different. As father and son, we had a breakthrough in our relationship, and I wasn’t going to shut him out now.
Nicolette had entered the court room, and had taken a seat alongside her attorney, never looking directly at me. Judge Northwick entered right after Nicolette, her court officer instructing us to all rise, and Judge Northwick took her seat and we followed suit.
“Good Morning, ladies and gentleman of the court….we are here today to hear an official statement from one Nicolette Elizabeth Vanelle. The testimony I am about to hear will serve in a future trial. The state of California versus Michael St. Clair, for the charge of rape, and or sexual assault under California State Penal Code 243.4.
I have had conversations with the defendant Michael St. Clair, and the victim named in this case, Nicolette Vanelle. I have heard your accounts that took place on the night of December 12th, 2008, and today I will hear from Ms. Vanelle personally, as she delivers her testimony today. Mr. St. Clair, I have in front of me documents pertaining to a plea bargain that has been presented to you by Mr. William Jennings, who represents the Los Angeles District Attorney’s office. You have been given ample opportunity to peruse the document, and discuss your decision to either accept or reject what has been offered by their office. Having said that Mr. St. Clair, I will hear what Ms. Vanelle has to say before signing off on any agreement that has been issued. I will make my final ruling after this morning’s hearing.”
The judge then turns to my lawyer, and the prosecutor, she asks if everyone is clear, and ready to go, they both agree. Nicolette is asked by Judge Northwick to stand before the court at the podium that faces our tables, and in the direct line of me, where I am forced to look at her.
I take several cleansing breaths before I stand, remembering the words of encouragement from Simon, and my family who are waiting right outside of these doors. I glance down at my ring, my beautiful ring which represents my commitment to Simon, and the life we plan to have. I need to close this chapter of my story before I continue the next one with Simon. I take one more breath, and I rise from my seat. I look over to Michael, who has locked eyes with mine. This is the first time I am seeing him since he raped me, and I left the hospital. He appears to be nervous. I straighten my shoulders, and begin to read my statement.
“I would like to thank Judge Northwick, and the officers of this court for allowing me the opportunity to speak here today. At the time of the original hearing, I was abroad recovering from injuries I had sustained from my attack, and then required additional time to heal from an unexpected surgery I needed also in relation to my attack.” I remained focused as I continue with my statement. “I have only lived in the State of California for a little over a year now, and I wish I could say my time here was all good, but I can’t.
I moved here from Chicago, in May of 2008 with my parents. At a summer party I was introduced to a young man who sits here before you today, Michael St. Clair. He is the son of Clayton St. Clair, who was in a professional relationship with my parents. This is how we first met. With our parents in business with one another, I remained civil with Michael, and not wanting to pursue anything other than friendship.
For Michael, this was not the case. For months, he continued to pursue me with an excessive amount of phone calls, text messages, package deliveries to my home, and even to my high school. He would conveniently appear in the same places that I happened to be in. Michael physically assaulted me in my own home in October 2008. I had sprained my wrist when he used force to keep me in his company. Although I never officially reported the incident, I did however tell my parents. My parents, Mason and Christina Vanelle, met with Clayton St. Clair the next day, and he gave his word to my parents that Michael would no longer bother me. My father accepted and trusted Mr. St. Clair’s word. Unfortunately Michael did not respect my wishes, and continued to stalk me.
At the time, I had thought I was doing the right thing by remaining quiet, and not giving him the attention he craved.”
“I figured he would stop eventually and leave me alone. My last contact with Michael St. Clair before my attack took place on the night of my birthday party in November. My private party was being held at the Beverly Hills Beach Club. Michael had claimed he was there with friends, and I accepted his answer. Again, when I tried to walk away from him, he physically grabbed me by my arm. I broke free of Michael, and had all intentions of revealing to my family, and to his father what he was doing to me. Every time I gathered enough courage to tell my parents, something would come up to prevent me from doing so.
For my part in this, I am truly sorry that I didn’t trust my parents or new friends to help me. I instead remained quiet in fear of disappointing or interfering with my parents work. The holidays were upon us, a first for our family here in California. All communication with Michael had ceased, and I thought it was finally over, and he had moved on. I felt relieved, and I put it behind me.
The next time I came in contact with Michael St. Clair, was the night he grabbed me. Dragging my body along the cement walkway to the entrance of the marina, where he housed his boat. Michael held his hand over my mouth as tightly as if it were in a vice. He instructed me not to scream, and once inside he threw me to the floor. I had hit my head. Trying to gather my balance, he struck me again. My body was thrown up against a wall resulting in hitting my head once more. I was knocked to the floor, and Michael held me down.
I tried to reason with Michael. I used all the tools that I had learned from taking self-defense classes, but nothing seem to work. He was so angry to listen to my pleas, and too strong for me to fend off”. I take a moment to calm myself and drink some water. This
time as I continue to read my statement, I look directly at Michael, never breaking eye contact with him.
“What happened next was unimaginable. I was praying this was a nightmare that I would awaken from, but it was real, and it was happening to me. You raped me Michael.” I no longer could hold my tears back, and I never took my eyes off of him willing him to look at me.
“When your hand wasn’t covering my mouth, I begged you to stop. I screamed to the word no. You took no mercy on me at all. I was a virgin, Michael. You took my body in such a forceful manner that you literally tore my insides apart, and I needed to have surgery to repair the damage you inflicted on me. My next surgery was to remove the remaining effects from my miscarriage that I suffered. Yes Michael, I was pregnant, and carrying your child that was created from you raping me. My body nearly bled out from a tear in my placenta, and causing a massive infection. I nearly died Michael, while you sat here claiming you were innocent. You raped me Michael St. Clair, because I wasn’t interested in you, and I didn’t return your affections. You left a permanent mark on me that night, when again, I said no.
The life I had known was changed forever, the night you raped me. Your act of violence shattered all that was good within me. I suffered unimaginable pain and guilt. I thought I had done something wrong, but no Michael, it was you that wronged me. I left everything, and everyone whom I loved and loved me back. I could no longer be the person I used to be. I ran far away to the other side of the world, and never knowing if I would return.
After going through months of intense therapy to heal myself physically and mentally, I was finally strong enough to look in the mirror again. My dark world that I had imprisoned myself in was broken through with light, and I had a new sense of purpose to reclaim what you took from me. I no longer needed to define myself from what had happened to me. I was returning to my family, and my friends, and I was stronger and determined to not give you any more control than I already have. Every day I heal a little bit more, and piece back together what you broke in me.
I thought I hated you Michael, for what you did to me. I thought about it a great deal, while I was separated from my family. To hate you would take too much of my energy and strength to waste on someone like you. You had already taken up way too much space in my head, and I was done letting you do that. I ask you today, if you ever want a real chance at redemption, you will admit what you did to me. Stand like a man, and accept responsibility for it. I no longer can pray each night that you will find your redemption, and do the right thing. Only you Michael can decide that.”
As I turned away from him, I saw that Michael had tears streaming down his cheeks. For the first time he looked remorseful and sad. I turned my attention back to Judge Northwick. “Thank you your honor, for allowing me to speak here today.”
Judge Northwick addresses both our lawyers, as Michael’s lawyer asked for a fifteen minute recess.
Not looking at Michael, I turned and hurried as fast as I could through the exit doors, and ran right into Simon’s waiting arms. Simon crushed his body against mine, and I let out all the emotion that I was holding in the whole time I faced Michael.
To listen to Nicolette give a detailed account of the night I hurt her, literally made me sick to my stomach. Until this moment, I had never really thought of how my actions affected her. Oh my god, she was pregnant with my child. What kind of monster was I? I began to feel like the walls were closing in on me, and I began to sweat and feel dizzy. I could not hold back any longer, and ran over to a garbage pail, and emptied all the contents that were in my stomach.
After I had nothing left to throw up, John told me a decision needed to be made right now, or the deal is going to be removed from the table. I would have to go through a full trial with a jury deciding my fate. This all could be over today, if I wanted it to be.
I deserve to be punished for what I did to Nicolette. Everything she said in that courtroom was true. I did all those things, and so much more. If anything, she was kind in her statement. I was a coward who preyed upon a young girl, and how can I ever move past for what I did? I have denied my crimes all these months because I’m a selfish and arrogant bastard. After hearing Nicolette retell what I did to her, made me realize this.
I turned to my father, and asked for his forgiveness. He was the first person I needed to apologize too. “I am so sorry dad for pushing you, and causing you to be hurt.” My father told me, that if I could forgive him for all of his years shutting me out, then he could easily forgive me for what I had done to him. I hugged my father and then turned to John, to go over the plea deal Mr. Jennings had proposed. It’s a five year mandatory sentenced to the California State Prison, Los Angeles County. I would be required to pay a fine up to $10,000 in restitution to the victim, a small price to pay for what I did to Nicolette.
John went onto explain that I could receive rehabilitation while in jail, finish out my education, and receive my college degree. I thought how low I had fallen, from Stanford to prison. I knew what I needed to do before I speak with the judge to give her my decision.
“John, I need to speak with Nicolette.” My lawyer looked sick now.
“You can’t be serious Michael.” John was exasperated with my request. I now stood up, and told him that I am without a doubt sure about what I was asking, and I begged John to try. My father supported me, and told John to speak with Nicolette’s attorney. We would wait for her answer.
“Oh my brave girl,” Simon continued to hold me, not allowing anyone access to me. He wanted to make sure I was ok. He ran his thumb across my cheeks, and wiped my tears away. With Simon holding me, I instantly began to calm and feel better. My parents and Uncle Jack joined us. We all held hands, and waited to be called back in. I was about to go and grab some coffee with Simon when a bailiff approached us. Judge Northwick had requested me to join her in chambers before making her ruling. I complied, and followed the court officer back through the doors.
My attorney along with Mr. Jennings joined me, and explained that Michael has asked to speak with me before court resumes. Mr. Jennings told me this is an unusual request, and I of course could refuse him. I had come this far determined to see this day through. Talking to Michael would not derail me, regardless of what he had to say.
I was led into Judge Northwick’s chambers where Michael was waiting for me. Judge Northwick greeted me, and asked me to have a seat. “Ms. Vanelle, you are a remarkable and incredible brave young woman. I have never met a more mature and poised individual with your grace, especially at your age. You have been through hell, and yet you have the courage to be here today. It is entirely up to you if you wish to speak with Mr. St. Clair. You do not have to, and you can refuse his request. Let me be clear, he has signed off on the plea deal, and he can be sentenced today. After today, you never have to worry about him again.”
Michael sat quietly while the Judge waited for my answer.
“I will hear what Michael has to say.”
“Very well Ms. Vanelle.”
Nicolette took her seat and waited for me to speak. I looked directly into Nicolette’s beautiful eyes, and my heart just sank.
“Nicolette, how can I ever begin to tell you how sorry I am for hurting you?” Nicolette answered my question by saying, “Only you can answer that Michael.”
Here was Nicolette, still showing me consideration and mercy. I was in awe of her kind heart. “Nicolette, I don’t ever expect you to forgive me for the crimes I committed against you. I only hope you forgive yourself. You did nothing wrong, and I take sole responsibility for my actions. I could never accept your rejection, and I did everything you said I did.
I truly believed that I loved you, and it was just a matter of time when you would believe my affections and come to me. You were the one that was kind. Here today, you still showed me kindness when I never did that for you.
Every time you asked me if we could be friends, I thought you were playing games with me. I abused your kindness and trust that yo
u so openly offered to me. I never deserved your friendship, and I will never be able make up even a fraction of what I did to you. I am so very sorry Nicolette. I’m sorry for all of your pain that I caused to your body. You don’t owe me any explanations, and I certainly don’t have the right to ask anything of you, but I must if you allow me to.” Nicolette was wringing her hands into her lap, and seemed uncomfortable, but nodded giving me permission.
“If our child had survived, would you have told me about him or her?” Here I was again being selfish by asking Nicolette to relive her pain and loss by answering my question.
“I honestly don’t know Michael. If you are seeking more, I don’t have any answers for you.” I thanked her for just answering me. The judge ordered me to continue, or she would end this now.
“Nicolette, deep down I knew what I did was wrong, and it took seeing and hearing you today to make me realize it, and stop being a coward. You survived me and you traveled through the gates of hell, and came out the other side. I will never know anyone that even comes close to having your strength, and I will spend the rest of my life fighting my demons to right this wrong. I just hope you can truly find the happiness you deserve, and not ever let what I did to you keep you from achieving that.”
Judge Northwick asked Nicolette, if she wanted to say anything to me, Nicolette simply answered no. Nicolette was escorted out of the judge’s chambers, and I went on to finish the paper work, and to say goodbye to my father. I would immediately be taken into custody and taken to the prison to begin my official sentence.
“I’m proud of you son,” my father had said to me. I told him that was the last thing I wanted to hear from him. I couldn’t say any more to my father. John had motioned to me that it was time to go. I just nodded, and made my way back into the courtroom.
This time upon entering the courtroom, I now saw Nicolette surrounded by her family, with Simon holding her hand, and shooting death stares directly at me. Court was called to order, and Judge Northwick began to speak.
A Changed Life Page 32
