by Lilly Wilde
This was not what I had expected. I didn’t know how to interpret this. Over the years since graduating from college, my mother made an annual attempt to reach out to me to either make me more inclined to come home or to put my mind at ease regarding her mental state or maybe it was to redeem herself, whatever the case, I never bought into it. I think she thought that if I didn't perpetuate negative perceptions of her, I would ingratiate myself back into the family. Of course it didn't happen, I typically reached out to her in some aspect; however, by calling one of my sisters just to check that everything was ok or I would send a mass text to them all as a hello and how I was doing. In return they would tell me everything was great and that was the end of that.
This time it was different. My mother acknowledged that there had actually been a problem whereas in the past, she only made futile attempts to placate the situation. Had something truly happened to alter her view of reality? Was she finally coming back to us? I didn't dare hope as I was afraid of the disappointment that I would endure if I was inaccurate in the assessment derived from just a few words. Maybe I was reading too much into this because I needed something to hold onto before I crumbled.
I thought back to the unbearable days of my childhood. Every day began with heart-wrenching pain and it ended the same. Every day I watched Mom transform; sinking deeper into despair. Her grief and insurmountable depression took its toll on all of us. It hardened my heart. It also resulted in my resentment of her.
I had longed for the expressive, exuberance of the mother that departed shortly after Dad left but there was nothing. The one time I witnessed any passion at all was regarding the mail. I had checked the mail one day and she became extremely upset or maybe anxious was a better description. She explained that she had been submitting letters to publishers and preferred that only she check the mail. The letters very well could have been from publishing houses, but I strongly suspected that her rigid mail-checking had little to do with publishers and more to do with Dad. If that had truly been the case, she would have never mentioned that to us, especially me.
I had gone astray when I finally accepted that my father wasn’t coming back. I began skipping school, hanging with other rebels and basically giving mom a very difficult time. She didn’t have a clue as to how to deal with me other than forcing me to meet with a school counselor twice a week, which yielded less than desirable outcomes. The only thing that reached me and began my cycle of redemption was another loss; Vicky had committed suicide. She and the other group of kids that I’d befriended were all from broken homes. Vicky had it worse than any of us, she was being severely abused and she felt she had no way out. I never thought she would end her life; but when she did, it had been a wakeup call for me.
After Vicky’s death, I had made every possible effort with counseling. I was able to recover from the grief and deal with the reality of living in absence of my father and to a lesser degree, my mother. It also afforded me the strength to be there for my sisters in a way that my mother couldn’t. I think a part of me hated her, at least the person she had become because of a man. She was the source of the conviction that I carried with me from then until now- that men were only good for one thing. I vowed to never give my trust or love to a man. I would never place myself in a position to allow life to take chances with me. I would create and follow my own path, not one that I was forced to follow due to the actions of others like my mom or Vicky had to.
My pain had been a powerful motivator. I had refused to let love alter my view of reality because as I saw it, love could only result in one of two outcomes: empty and pathetic like mom or dead like Vicky. Therefore I focused all of my energy on me; I became a focused, determined, controlled being and nothing had ever caused me to falter my stance until now. I couldn’t understand how Aiden’s presence could affect me so distinctly but it had. Would he be the one to destroy me? Was this karma for cutting my family out of my life? For my contemptuous view of my mother?
Without further thought, I tapped the phone icon to dial my mother. She answered on the third ring.
“Aria?” The questioning in her voice was understandable as this was my first attempt calling her in years.
“Is that you sweetheart?”
“Hi Mom, yes it's me.”
There was silence.
“It's so great to hear your voice Aria. How are you?”
I’m fucked up. I did the one thing I said I would never do.
“I'm great Mom,” I lied. “So, I read your text and wanted to call and see how you were doing?”
“I'm fine Aria. Actually I am better than fine.”
“Really? Well, that's great! You sound ...uh...different.”
She laughed. “I feel different Aria.”
I couldn't clearly recall the last time I had heard Mom laugh. The sound was nostalgic.
“I'm not sure I understand,” I said.
“In short, I guess I would say that I’ve awakened from my deep depressing sleep.”
“Well, yes that is a short recap,” I added smiling to myself. “But what happened ... I mean I'm so happy for you but I'm also curious as to what prompted it?”
“Seeing life Aria. My eyes were closed to it for so many years. Yes, I woke up and got out of bed, most days anyway, but I was empty inside. I stepped out on life, on my children. For that, I will never be able to forgive myself.”
“Mom if you are really okay, there is nothing to forgive and no need to blame yourself. This is not your fault. It's Dad's.”
“Aria I'm responsible for myself...not your father, not my children…me.”
“You still haven't said, what happened?”
“Well, it actually all began one day in the park. The girls had urged me to get out of the house and I didn't have any idea of where I could go and continue to be alone, which is what I preferred. I just wanted to be alone. The first place I thought of was the pond where I used to take you girls. I thought I would feed the ducks in solitude and then get back home. I was sitting there, not really thinking of anything, just focused on feeding the ducks.”
She continued. “The sound of a child's laughter pulled my attention toward people sitting nearby. I looked over and saw…well, I guess you can say I saw happiness. I just sat there and stared at them. I actually couldn’t stop staring at them. They looked to be a family; a mother, father and three adorable little girls. As I looked at them, I noticed the tender glances between the man and the woman. I saw how they looked at their kids and they were all smiling and laughing. I must have stared at them for a half hour or so and then something in my heart broke. I began to sob and someone sat down beside me and asked if I were okay. I pulled myself together and talked to this stranger revealing the depths of my soul. He opened his wallet and pulled out a business card and told me to use it. It was the name of a therapist. He said that he had seen her many years ago after losing his family and that she was someone who had brought him out of the same pit I had been dwelling. One day, I worked up the nerve to call and scheduled an appointment and I have been on the path to me every since.”
I was quiet; taking in all of this unforeseen information.
“It was very difficult. There were days where I wanted to crawl back into my shell but the therapist would call and check on me or the man I had met in the park would send me an inspirational text and I forced myself to continue with the therapy. I’m now finally able to face what I had put you girls through. And I am so sorry Aria. I know I am the reason you never come home. I am the reason you are out there alone without a family and I want to change that.”
Tears were falling down my cheeks. My mother actually sounded like my mother. I hadn't heard the sound of life in her voice in over ten years. I had blocked out so many memories and thoughts for fear of facing more hurt. Sitting here now, on the verge of what could be life altering, frightened me. I wiped the tears and forced myself to swallow the rest of them.
“Mom that sounds amazing. How are Lia and Bianca?” I asked
.
“They’re great. They’re actually out with some friends. They had an overnight and they haven't come home yet. They’ve been wonderful. We've had so many special moments lately and the only thing missing is you. We want to see you Aria.”
My heart accelerated at the thought of going back home. The thought of the hurt and loneliness I felt there would be too much to bare.
“Mom, it would be great to see you all too but I don't think I’m ready to come home. Maybe we can meet and have a family weekend.”
“That actually sounds wonderful Aria. Do you have any ideas?”
Immediately a location popped into my head. I smiled. “How about the happiest place on earth?”
“The happiest place on earth? Wherever would that be?” she asked.
“Disney World Mom!”
We both laughed.
“You know, that would be perfect. The girls and I have never been and I think we would all have a wonderful time.”
“Check with the girls and let me know which days would work and I’ll work out the flight and hotel arrangements and I will call you in a few days with the details.”
“You don't have to pay for this Aria. I can cover the cost of this trip.”
“Mom, it's ok. I want to do this for us.”
“Okay, but only if you’re sure.”
“I am. I’m actually quite excited.”
“So am I. I can't wait to tell the girls.”
“Okay, tell them I said hello and that I love them. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Okay, I love you Aria.”
“I love you too Mom.”
I hung up the phone with a myriad of feelings: hopefulness, fearfulness, happiness, amazement, excitement. Like most people who run from memories, feelings or relationships – deep down the desire to face those demons is there. And I, like most people, was eager to make an attempt to restore my relationship with my family. Although somewhat hesitant to admit it, I missed them deeply. I needed them. And they needed me.
I grabbed my laptop and began searching for information on Disney vacations. After seeing the many family package options, I decided it best to contact my travel agent and let her arrange it all. I located her name in my phone, typed a quick email to her detailing what I wanted and possible dates.
I tapped the send button and smiled to myself. I was actually more excited and happy than I dared hope. I quickly found myself wondering if this was a good idea. Was this all going too fast? Maybe I should check in with Lia and Bianca to get a better read on the situation with Mom before committing anything further. After a few moments of deliberation, my head was beginning to ache and I was frustrated. I decided to stop analyzing and just go with it. But then again, the last time I didn’t analyze something and just “went with it”… I exposed myself to the bullshit that was Aiden Wyatt.
Where the fuck was he anyway and why had he made not one attempt to contact me? I missed him. I wanted to hear his voice, to see him, to be in his arms and in his bed. I swallowed those desires and went in search of another bottle of wine.
The next two weeks of work were starting to feel like work again. Not the place I went to play games with Aiden. I still hadn’t heard from him. It had been three weeks and not one word. If I didn’t know it when he first disappeared, I definitely knew now that he was done with me. The thought of this, of course, hurt but I was determined to view it as a learning experience and not give any more thought to him or my pain. He was just another broken piece of me, a piece that I sealed away in the box with the others.
I had been talking to Mom, Lia and Bianca more over the recent weeks. Mom was still happy and…well just Mom. It felt really good. I was even considering a trip home later in the year.
We were headed to Florida Thursday. Due to the state of the company I couldn’t be out of the office for more than two days and even then I was questioning the timing. We had yet to hear of the status of the company’s direction. Just that his son was assuming some type of leadership that would be formally announced in the near future.
*****
The Disneyworld trip was amazing. My mom, sisters and I had such an enjoyable time that we hated for it to end. We said our tearful good-byes at the airport terminal with them making promises to visit me in Boston within the next couple of months.
I had work the next day and hadn’t checked my work email very much over the course of my vacation. I did see one or two emails announcing that Mr. Raine’s son, Wyatt had assumed leadership of the company. I would imagine that the announcement did quiet much of the upheaval and from what Blake had shared with me; Wyatt was a force to be reckoned with. He had been visiting several of the company’s, along with his restructuring staff. There was a fragment of worry in regards to that. RPH had been very successful over the last few years but we were not on target with Mr. Raine’s strategic plan. I wonder if that meant RPH would be restructured and what that meant for my job.
*****
Walking in to my office, I saw a panicked Raina at her desk. My mind went into overdrive, as in all the years Raina had worked for me, I’d never seen her panic, even with the many demands I placed on her; which at times could be overwhelming for anyone, let alone a lady with three kids and an insanely needy husband. She looked up at me with both relief and worry on her face.
“Miss Cason, finally,” she stated, her voice burdened with worry.
“Hi Raina. What’s going on?” I asked.
“Perhaps we should talk in your office.”
“Of course.”
We were about to walk through my door when Blake called out from behind us. “Aria, there you are! Why have you not answered your phone or my emails?”
“What?” I haven’t received any calls or emails from you Blake.”
“Well it’s neither here nor there at this point. We need you upstairs now.”
“I was about to have a meeting with Raina, can this wait?”
“I’m afraid not. That is what I have been trying to contact you about.”
I looked at Raina and saw confusion and worry in her eyes. What in the hell was going on? And why was Blake so freaked out?
“Whatever you were planning to meet with Raina about may very well be moot, let’s go.”
This seemed off. Was I being fired? The company restructuring announcement was of concern but was it really to a point of my losing my job? I placed my purse and laptop bag in my office chair and followed Blake to the elevators. I looked back at Raina and she managed a small smile. I shrugged my shoulders and looked at Blake who had worry draped across his face as well.
“Blake, what the hell is going on?”
“Aria, we were scheduled for a meeting from Raine’s son in the next two weeks, turns out he and his team arrived this morning. We have no idea what we’re dealing with but an email went out this morning that we were to all meet in my office at 9’oclock.” I glanced at my watch; it was five minutes until 9 o’clock.
My heart began to race. “Don’t worry Aria, I think we’re okay as far as our positions are but there is something more pressing that I need to share with you,” Blake said as we stepped off the elevator and headed to his office.
“More pressing than this? I can’t imagine anything more pressing at the moment. What is it?”
“Blake there you are. They’re here and he’s with them. They’re waiting in the executive conference room.”
“I thought we were meeting in my office,” Blake said.
“We were but there wasn’t room for the restructuring team. Hello Aria, welcome back. Sorry to hit you with all of this on your first day back but we tried to reach you.”
“Uh, thanks Adam,” I replied confused as to why I didn’t see any of the calls or emails.
“Come, we are already late,” he said.
We quickly entered the executive conference room. I was the last to enter and was immediately taken aback by the tension in the room; everyone was exceptionally quiet. I swiftly took note of the s
ix new faces; astute, stern and unreadable.
Everyone was seated around the conference table with the exception of the man standing at the far end of the room. He was overlooking downtown Boston as he spoke on the phone. Something about his stance was familiar, the confidence... the power…the dominance. No doubt much like his father, he was a no-nonsense type of person.
I swallowed my nervousness, squared my shoulders and kept in step with Blake and Adam. We took the three seats on the left side of the table; leaving the chair at the head of the table for Mr. Raine who apparently was the man standing near the window. He ended the call and turned to face the room.
“Mr. Raine, we’re all here and ready to begin when you are.” My attention turned to the voice and saw it was the man seated directly across and to the right of me He appeared to be in his early 50’s. He was handsome and his voice didn’t fit his appearance. I was staring at him as he glanced at me with a wry smile which I returned.
“I would like you all to meet the new President and CEO of Raine Industries, Mr. Wyatt Raine,” he said.
I looked in the direction of the window and stopped breathing. I was staring directly into the green eyes of Aiden Wyatt.
Wait. What?
CHAPTER TWENTY
I sat there in a trance as his voice faded in and out. Too many images and thoughts in my head. Was this real? How did I miss this? Why did he keep his identity a secret? Is this typical behavior for him? Was he just using me to get his kicks? Was his internship a ruse to spy on RPH and report back to his father? I wanted to look at him, to see his eyes as he stared back into mine, but I couldn’t bring myself to look directly at him. I turned my head in the direction of his voice but I stared past him. I felt like such a fool. I wanted to crawl under the table and bawl my eyes out. Why? Why would he do this to me?
