by Jenna Rae
“Wouldn’t Del be busy playing?”
Lin rolled her eyes. “Not Del. You.”
Lola shook her head. “Oh, no. I think you have the wrong impression. Del and I aren’t together. We’re just neighbors. We barely even know each other.”
“Really?” Lin regarded her with open scrutiny, and Lola blushed. “That’s funny. I got the impression—”
“Sweetie?” Tess wanted to start the meeting.
Lin waggled her fingers at Lola and sat down.
Lola hurried to the same seat she’d chosen the month before, thinking about what Lin had said. She noticed that Del sat across from her again, and she felt self-conscious, smoothing her hair. She also noticed Rachel’s open scrutiny and subsequent pique. Although Rachel had no reason to be jealous, Lola flushed with pleasure. Silly, she chided herself. Rachel could be a model, and Del’s definitely attractive enough to get Rachel’s attention.
She could hear Orrin’s voice. “Come on, Lolly, she looks like a whore, but at least she’s sexy enough to pull it off. You’re not even in her league.”
This was true. Lola glanced at Del and then Rachel, whose hand was firmly grasped by the very intimidating Lee. Lee caught her looking and smiled, and her smile was shy and sweet. Lola realized that she didn’t know what Lee’s voice sounded like. Had she spoken at the last meeting? No, Lola didn’t think so. She watched as Lee kissed the back of Rachel’s hand, and Rachel snuggled up against her, almost purring.
Lee looked like a kid at the world’s best birthday party. No wonder Rachel liked her. She was physically more imposing than Del but seemed sweeter, more approachable. Like a teddy bear. Del was more like a tiger or lion—there was something catlike in her avid awareness of everything around her. Lola could almost imagine Del stretched out in the tall grass of some far-off savannah, supine and regal as a lioness dozing in the sun, eyes half-closed but taking in everything around her. She’d spring into action if needed, faster than the blink of an eye. This image danced in Lola’s mind like a movie she’d seen in another lifetime, and she had to struggle to tune in to Tess’s voice.
“Okay, ladies,” she was saying, “who wants to start us off? Anyone want to lead the way?”
A chorus of voices answered her, and she smiled. Lola was a bit overwhelmed by the enthusiasm of the group and sat back to listen. They’d chosen Reading Lolita in Tehran, an autobiography by a university professor who created a secret literature class for women. Lola had devoured the book with greedy pleasure, often feeling like she was there with the class in that living room in Tehran, pulling off her headscarf and drinking tea and talking about everything.
Lola eventually worked up her courage to speak during a rare lull. “This story is so compelling, it transcends time, race, nationality, gender, religion, sexual orientation, political stance—”
She became self-conscious when she saw Del’s close attention and faltered, but Tess, who’d rescued Lola the month before, picked up the thread and made Lola’s point. Silently thanking Tess, Lola resolved that she would not need rescuing again. It was ridiculous. She was a grown woman, and she should be able to string together a sentence by herself. After all, she was supposed to be a writer! Orrin’s phantom snorted in her ear, and Lola flushed.
It was some time later that Lin asserted that leaving one’s homeland when it is troubled was an act of cowardice. “It’s selfish,” she concluded. “Self-centered. Really, it’s a kind of societal treason.”
Del argued that an oppressed person had the right to find a better life wherever she could, that suffering for the sake of suffering didn’t help anything. She continued, “Don’t you think it might be better to go somewhere safer and gain power there and then return home to make things better? What’s the point of suffering alongside your neighbors, when you can leave to get help and then come back and help them? Doesn’t that seem just as valid?”
Lola heard nothing but compassion in Del’s assertion, so she was surprised and distressed by Lin’s response.
“What do you know about it? Where are you from? Here, right? Where do you get off, Del, even having an opinion about it? You’ve never had to figure out how to live in a new country. You’ve never had to choose between two cultures. You’re out of line.” Lin’s voice was loud, and Lola caught her breath and eyed Del.
“You’d want to stay and make things better. I get that.” Del seemed so calm! Lola frowned and chewed her lip. Was this outburst a usual thing for Lin? Maybe it was all that sugar.
Lin’s face was red. “No, you don’t get it. If you did, you wouldn’t say that it’s okay to cut and run, just because it’s easier. It’s cowardly. What about the people you leave behind? What happens to them after you abandon them? They could get hurt, jailed, killed—and you would be okay with that? There’s no excuse for that kind of selfishness. Would you just take off, when the going got rough? Come off it, Del, don’t tell me you’re a damn coward!”
Lin’s increasingly loud voice and snapping eyes were hypnotic. Lola gaped at her in horror, and she edged forward on her chair, fighting the urge to flee. Her gaze darted to Del’s face, certain that it would be red and angry, that her eyes would be flashing. It didn’t seem to be happening, but Lola could hardly breathe. Any second now, she would fly into a rage. How could she not? Lola’s cup was shaking in her hand, and she eased it down into the chair beside her, trying not to drop it.
Lola was afraid for Lin and afraid of Lin at the same time. She looked from Del to Lin and back again, waiting to see who would fly at the other. Surely Lin saw that Del could overpower her. Didn’t she? Or was she counting on Tess to protect her? She looked at Tess, who was watching the interplay with apparent calm. Lola was confused. She looked at Del again, unsure what to expect.
“But doing what you have to in order to survive—” Del’s eyes met Lola’s suddenly. Her eyes widened a fraction, and she halted midsentence.
“Lin,” she said, “I’m sorry. It’s obvious you feel strongly about this. I don’t. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Lin immediately sat back in her chair. She shook her head. Tess grabbed her hand, and they exchanged looks. Lola’s gaze still darted between Lin and Del, and she stayed poised on the edge of her seat, uncertain what was happening.
“No,” Lin’s voice was soft, her cheeks bright red. “God, Del, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to pick a fight, especially with you, of all people. It’s just, you know, I wonder what my life would have been like if my mom hadn’t run away from her problems. You know how she is. Would I have had a real family, and a real home, instead of one ghetto apartment after another? I don’t even speak Korean. People look at me, and all they see is ‘Asian,’ and I can only speak English. Do you know how weird that is?” She shrugged and looked away.
“Well, mija,” Tess crooned, “I can’t teach you Korean, but I can teach you the language of love.” She made a silly face, and Lin rolled her eyes.
“Okay,” Tess stood, “I think that’s buenasnoches, ladies.”
Everyone rose, and Lola saw Tess and Del exchange a small, conspiratorial glance. What was that about? Why wasn’t Del mad? Would she be mad when they left? Lola took a deep breath, overcome with mixed relief and uncertainty.
Not everyone flies into a rage when they get mad, she reminded herself. Most people control themselves. She knew that was what she was supposed to think. Lauren had told her that. Lauren also told her that she needed to learn to trust people. Lola knew she was right, but it was a lot harder than Lauren made it sound. In retrospect, it had been ridiculous, thinking that the two perfectly nice women would get into a brawl at a book club meeting. People don’t do things like that, at least not in public.
She watched as Del went over to Lin and said something that made her smile. So, things looked okay between them. But, how? Why? What was going to happen now? Was this the calm before the storm? Lola wished she’d never come to this book club, that she’d never met any of these people. There were too many things s
he didn’t know. She was hopelessly unprepared for real life, and this realization hurt more than she could have anticipated. After everything she’d done and learned, she was still too raw, too uncertain, and too unsophisticated.
Her legs were shaky, and she waited as long as she could before rising. Del was waiting, chatting with Tess by the door. Hesitating, Lola noticed the way Del saw her coming and reached to get the door and stood back to let her through. She reminded herself that Del was probably polite to everyone. That she was just naturally a chivalrous person. That it didn’t mean anything. That she wouldn’t take out Lin’s behavior on Lola. Why would she? There was no reason, was there? Still it was hard to walk past her. Del seemed totally relaxed. Everything was fine. It would be weird to not take a ride home from her now. It might hurt her feelings. Or make her mad. Still, Lola rushed by and jumped when Del’s arm brushed hers. Then she stood frozen on the sidewalk. She was afraid to get on the bike and didn’t know how to get out of it. It was irrational, and she knew it, but that knowledge didn’t make her less afraid. She listened to Tess and Del say their goodbyes and couldn’t make her breathing slow down.
Del eyed her, approached her as though worried she’d bolt. Was it that obvious?
“Everything okay?”
Lola nodded and swallowed hard. “Del?”
“What’s up?”
She wasn’t sure how to say what she was thinking. “I just—I wasn’t—it was nice of you to let Lin be right. After she yelled at you and everything. Most people would have been pretty mad. I mean, I think so.”
There was a long silence. Del’s eyes searched hers, and Lola looked away. Had Del taken her comment the wrong way? She was cold and hugged herself. Why did I say anything? What if she’s mad? Tears clouded her vision, and she blinked them away. Maybe, hopefully, Del couldn’t see them in the gloom of the sidewalk.
“She was upset.” Del said in a quiet voice. “I didn’t mean to upset her like that, and I should have realized she’d be touchy about the subject.”
“Why?”
Del laughed. She seemed to hesitate. “I’ll tell you in a minute.” She glanced over at Lee and Rachel, strolling by hand in hand and clearly oblivious to anyone but each other. Del smiled easily at that, and Lola took the moment to swipe at her eyes. Del seemed pretty relaxed. Not just pretending to be, but actually fine. Maybe everything would be okay. Del pulled on her helmet and waved at the bike. “Ready?”
Lola nodded and climbed on. Del wasn’t mad. She was fine. Everything was going to be fine. Right? She took a deep breath and hugged Del’s waist, closed her eyes, and inhaled Del’s warm, clean scent. Del was fine. She wasn’t going to do anything but drive her home and maybe tell her why Lin would be touchy about the subject, and that was it. She wasn’t waiting until no one was around to get mad at Lola, right? She barely knew Lola. She had no reason to be mad at her. Right?
Too soon, they were in front of Lola’s house. She climbed off with still-shaky legs, accepting Del’s offered hand to keep her balance. Del took off her helmet and held it in her lap, then shut down the bike.
“Thanks for the ride.” Lola wanted to escape, but she was almost as curious about how Del would act now that no one was around as she was nervous about it. Curiosity killed the cat, she thought, and dismissed that. Del wasn’t mean. She wasn’t dangerous. Del didn’t want to hurt her.
“Let me know if you want to go for a real ride sometime. Out in the hills, I can really open it up.”
“If that means go faster, I think I’ll pass. You’re a lot braver than me. But thanks.” She stood awkwardly for a moment, unsure about whether to leave or not.
“You wanted to know about Lin?” Del’s eyes were searching hers again, and Lola felt a flash of foreboding.
“I don’t want to pry.”
Del smiled. “No, it’s okay. I’ve known Lin and her mom, Vivian, for years, so I should have known anything around her mom would piss her off.”
“I don’t understand.”
“It’s complicated.”
Lola frowned, not sure what that meant or if she should ask. “Because her mom moved here from Korea?”
“Well, for a long time she was pissed because Viv wouldn’t speak Korean to her.”
“Why not?”
“Well, she wanted Lin to be American, you know? To speak English and be like the other kids. She figured that was the best way to help her succeed. And it worked—Lin got into Berkeley, got her master’s, has a great job. She’s smart and successful and totally Americanized. Viv wanted to give her kid the best possible life, and she did. That was why she came here and gave up everything like that. She didn’t do it for herself. She worked every crap job she had to, sometimes two, for Lin. Everything was for her kid back then.”
“Back then?”
“You caught that, huh?” Del tilted her head.
Lola wasn’t sure whether she should ask more questions or not. She’d forgotten, if she’d ever known, how to read the subtle signals needed for conversation. She waited dumbly for Del to either continue or to dismiss her.
“Viv didn’t date at all until Lin went off to college. Then she married the first guy who bought her dinner, and he happened to be the Holy Roller-type. All of a sudden, he’s running the show. Says Lin is going to hell. Says Viv’ll go to hell if she condones her daughter’s ‘lifestyle.’ Tess is a demon leading Lin to her doom, and I’m a bad influence on both of them, blah, blah, blah.”
Lola shook her head. “That’s awful. Poor Lin!”
“Sucks.” She shrugged. “What can she do?”
“Do you think they’ll ever make up?”
“Not while Viv’s married to the asshole.”
“She picked him over her own daughter, after sacrificing so much for her.” Lola wasn’t surprised, but it still hurt to hear of one more woman choosing the man in her life over her child. Her real child, at that. Didn’t that make a difference? She’d always assumed that it did.
“That’s how it goes.” Del shrugged, and Lola tried to read her expression. It was drawn and tight, and Lola blurted out a question before she thought about it.
“Did you and Lin used to date? Wait, don’t answer that. It’s none of my business. I’m sorry.”
But Del was shaking her head. “Don’t worry about it. And no. She’s still growing up, as far as I’m concerned. She’s a nice kid, though, and I’m glad to see her with someone like Tess. Plus, she makes Tess happy.”
“Lin and Tess want you to play basketball.”
“Yeah, that’s not happening. I do miss hanging out with Tess, though.” Del said, “I met her maybe seven or eight years back when she invited me to join her team, and we got to be friends. She’s a lot like me, you know?”
“Tall?”
Del laughed, then she looked at Lola for a long moment. “You really don’t know what I mean?”
Lola shook her head, but then she shrugged. “Kind of. You and Tess are both, I guess, not that girly?”
Del shrugged too. “That’s as good a way to put it as any.” She hesitated, giving a tired smile. “You don’t look any different from a million other women out there.” She waved her arm vaguely around. “I don’t blend in like that. People look at me like I’m some kind of freak. Always have. I’m used to it, I guess, most of the time. Sometimes it bothers me. Makes me feel—”
Del stopped, frowning, and she looked suddenly vulnerable. Lola stifled an impulse to reach out to her. Then she thought, why not? But the moment had passed, and Del wore that tired smile again, and Lola’s heart ached to see the weary resignation on her face.
“Anyway, Tess needed somebody to show her how to survive. Her family pretty much threw her away when she wouldn’t pretend to be what they wanted.”
Del’s voice was steady, but Lola heard a world of pain in it.
Del smiled. “She doesn’t need my help, not anymore. It’s easy to be around her, especially now that she’s happy with Lin. We understand each other, you
know?”
Lola nodded. No wonder they were close. “It was kind of you, being there for her like that. Was someone there to help you, the way you helped Tess?”
Del shook her head.
“I’m sorry.”
“No biggie.”
But the shadow of pain in her eyes said otherwise. Lola again had the impulse to reach out to her and again let the moment pass.
“Maybe someday Tess’s family will accept her for who she is. I hope so. What about your family?”
Del made a face, and Lola saw that she’d hit on a sore subject. She pictured Del, a lonely, confused, courageous young woman who defied every expectation of what a woman was supposed to be. It must have been so scary and so painful. How had she done it? Even now, how did Del have the courage to walk around in her own skin? What had it cost her, what did it still cost her, to be herself? Lola felt like an intruder suddenly. She had no right to ask personal questions.
“I’m sorry. You don’t have to answer that.”
Del shrugged, swiped at her lips with the back of her hand. She let go a shaky laugh. “Well, you know, families.”
Lola was going to say, no, actually, I don’t. But then they would be done talking about Del, and she was pretty sure that Del didn’t open up like this very often. She cast about for a safer question.
“Did you introduce Tess and Lin?”
“Actually, I did. I’d just bought the house,” she waved down the street, “but it wasn’t really livable yet. No plumbing, no kitchen. The place was a disaster. So I was still living in the apartment and spending all my free time over here, working on the place. I needed help but I didn’t have much money, between the rent on the apartment, my mortgage, the fortune I was spending at the hardware store. You get the idea.”
Lola nodded. She tried to imagine buying a house and fixing it up herself and couldn’t do it. Again, she was struck by Del’s courage.
“Lin was home for the summer, about to start grad school. Viv hadn’t married the asshole yet, so they were still close. Lin was such a good kid! She had a job at a shoe store, but she wanted to make some extra cash. I hired her as a helper, just to sweep and run errands, stuff like that.” Del smiled. “She’s the least handy person I’ve ever met, but she tried real hard. Cleaned up, sorted all my tools, ran to the store for supplies. She even managed to lay some tile. One day, Tess came by. Her dad was a plumber, and she was helping me with some stuff, making sure it was to code. They met, and it was like kismet. They’ve been together ever since.” Del grinned, an open, easy grin that softened her hard features and brightened her eyes.
