The Terrible Two

by Mac Barnett

  “But—” said a boy near Miles. Barkin eyed him.

  “While I appreciate what I assume to be concern for my car’s leather interior, Mr. Jenkins, I have carefully considered the options, and this is the best available plan.”

  “But—” said a girl near the front of the crowd.

  “I’m sorry, Miss Neeser, but if you or any of your classmates think I am canceling school, you’re sadly mistaken.”

  “But—”

  “THERE IS NO OTHER PLAN!” shouted Barkin. “I WILL NOW CLIMB DOWN FROM THE ROOF OF MY CAR AND OPEN ITS DOORS. WHEN I BLOW THIS WHISTLE YOU MAY CAREFULLY TRAVEL THROUGH MY CAR AND TO YOUR CLASSROOMS. BUT BEFORE WE BEGIN OUR DAY, I JUST WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT I WILL CATCH THE STUDENT OR STUDENTS WHO DID THIS, AND THE INVESTIGATION STARTS NOW, AS IN RIGHT NOW, BEFORE I EVEN BLOW THE WHISTLE! REMEMBER: I WILL BE WATCHING YOU, ALL OF YOU, AND I WILL NOT REST UNTIL I FIND THE CULPRIT. NOW, LET’S HAVE OUR BEST YEAR.”

  After Barkin blew his whistle, the students lined up single file to crawl through the principal’s car. Principal Barkin watched, wincing. And flinching. And saying things like:

  “THOSE SHOES LOOK MUDDY, MISS BERGNER!”

  and “WHO TRACKED IN A LEAF?”

  and “I HAD SOME PENNIES. WHERE’D MY PENNIES GO?”

  Here’s what Principal Barkin’s car looked like when he drove it to school that morning:

  And here’s what Principal Barkin’s car looked like when Miles Murphy, the second-to-last student to enter the car, finally got inside:

  As Miles carefully contorted through the car, he heard the last student in line, a big kid who looked a lot like a small Principal Barkin, say, “But Dad—”

  “WHAT IS IT, JOSH?”

  “Why didn’t you just have all of us go through the back entrance?” Then Josh muttered under his breath (but Miles heard him), “You nimbus.”

  It was true. The school did have a back entrance, and Barkin had walked through it this morning. (Please see this page.)

  Principal Barkin stared off at a field of cows in the distance.

  None of them mooed.

  Chapter

  8

  THERE WAS CHAOS IN THE HALLS. “WHO WAS IT? WAS IT YOU?” Principal Barkin hollered to everybody and nobody as students streamed past. “OR WAS IT YOU?” None of the students were looking at Principal Barkin. They all knew better. Except for Miles, who had never seen an authority figure act quite like this. Actually, he’d never seen an authority figure look quite like this: Principal Barkin’s face was so red that it was almost purple, like a grape, or a particularly nice sunset over the ocean back home. Miles’s old principal used to get mad, but he never shouted. And he certainly never turned purple. This was mesmerizing.

  “WAS IT YOU?” Principal Barkin stuck a finger in Miles’s face. The finger was long and pale white, since most of the blood in Barkin’s body was currently in his head.

  “Huh?” Miles said. This was always a good thing to say when you might be in trouble.

  “YOU. THIS IS MY SCHOOL, AND I’VE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE. WHY ARE YOU HERE?”

  “I’m the new kid,” said Miles.

  Principal Barkin became slightly less purple.

  “And what is your name, new kid?”

  “Miles.”

  “Well, I don’t like that at all,” said Principal Barkin. “We already have a Niles at this school.”

  “My name is Miles.”

  “Well, that’s better, but still a little confusing. Maybe you should go by Tony. Or Chuck.”

  “I’d rather go by my own name—Miles,” said Miles.

  “Well, you’ve got a little mouth on you, don’t you? Which brings me back to my first question: WAS IT YOU?”

  “Was it me what?”

  “Was it you who moved my car to the top of the stairs?”

  “No, sir. I don’t even have a driver’s license.”

  “And that’s why you shouldn’t have been driving my car. AS WELL AS MANY OTHER REASONS.”

  “But I didn’t drive it,” said Miles.

  “Then how did you get it to the top of the stairs?” said Barkin. “And how do I get it back down?”

  “I don’t know, sir.”

  Principal Barkin squinted. “Well, Miles, I’ll have my eye on you. In fact, I’ll have both my eyes on you. But in the meantime, welcome to Yawnee Valley Science and Letters Academy. How are you liking our town?”

  “Oh, it’s fine,” said Miles.

  “‘Fine’? Only ‘fine’? Yawnee Valley is a paradise! Grassy pastures and happy cows for miles, Miles. In fact, Yawnee Valley is the cow capital of the United States, this side of the Mississippi, excluding a couple of towns that cheat.”

  “I guess I’m just not very interested in cows,” Miles said.

  Principal Barkin turned a little bit more purple—orchid, perhaps.

  Somewhere in the distance, a cow mooed. Principal Barkin pointed toward the mooing. Then he pointed at Miles.

  “Not interested in cows?” said Principal Barkin. “NOT INTERESTED IN COWS?”

  “Well,” said Miles. “Um.”

  “Miles, if you are not interested in cows, it is simply because you are ignorant of the many reasons cows are interesting. Here, take this.”

  Principal Barkin reached into his Principal Pack, which non-principals called a fanny pack, and pulled out a booklet.

  He thrust the book at Miles. “Take it. Read it. Love it. It is probably my favorite book, and not just because I wrote the foreword.”

  “Thanks,” said Miles. “But I don’t want to take your only copy.”

  “It’s not my only copy. I’ve got a bunch more in my Principal Pack.”

  Miles wondered if he could go to class now. But Principal Barkin didn’t move out of his way.

  “Now, one last piece of business. All our new students get paired up with a buddy. Someone who knows the lay of the land, the school rules, what to do, what not to do, including moving my car. Since you are our only new student this year, you’re lucky enough to have been assigned our best student. Niles!”

  A small, blond boy wearing a sash that said SCHOOL HELPER ran over to the principal.

  “Miles, this is Niles Sparks,” Principal Barkin informed him. “Niles is the student who first told me about my car. Miles is the student who I suspect moved it.”

  Niles held out his hand, his elbow flexed just slightly, his eye contact with Miles uninterrupted by blinks. He was the kind of kid who practiced his handshake alone in his room. There was a Niles at every school. The kiss-up. The do-gooder. The school snitch. And now Miles was supposed to shake his hand?

  “Sorry, I have a cold,” Miles said.

  Niles lowered his arm.

  Principal Barkin frowned. “Well, handshake or no, you two are school buddies. And a lucky thing for you, Miles. Niles is like a son to me. Of course, my own son also goes to this school and is also like a son to me.”

  Somewhere in the distance, a cow mooed.

  “Niles,” Principal Barkin said, “take Miles to Room 22. Ms. Shandy is waiting.”

  The two boys set off down the hallway.

  “Nice sash,” said Miles.

  “Thanks!” said Niles.

  Chapter

  9

  I HAVE TO ASK YOU SOMETHING,” said Niles, “and I promise I won’t tell Principal Barkin, but were you actually the one who parked his car in front of the school?”

  “No,” said Miles.

  “OK, good,” said Niles. “Because if you had I probably would have told Principal Barkin.”

  “Yeah,” said Miles.

  “I’m sorry I lied. But I think sometimes it’s OK to do something wrong if it helps you do something right.”

  “Like ratting on me to Principal Barkin.”

  “Exactly! Principal Barkin relies on me to sniff out wrongdoers. Anyway, here’s our classroom!” Niles opened a blue door. “There’s Ms. Shandy’s desk!”

  “Is this the doorknob?” Miles asked
, grabbing the doorknob.

  “Yes! That’s the doorknob!” said Niles.

  Miles found an empty seat far away from Niles’s.

  Niles noticed. He got up and came across the room and sat in the seat in front of Miles.

  “Buddy system!” Niles said, twisting around in his seat. “We have to sit by each other!”

  “Great,” Miles said.

  The girl next to Miles laughed. “So, Niles is your buddy, huh?”

  Niles answered for Miles. “Yes! I’m his buddy. Miles, this is Holly Rash. She’s sitting next to you.”

  “Hi,” said Holly. “What did you say your name was?”

  “Actually, I was the one who said his name!” said Niles.

  “I’m Miles,” said Miles.

  “Miles and Niles,” said Holly. “That’s confusing.”

  “No, it’s not,” said Miles and Niles at the same time. Miles gave Niles a dirty look. Niles gave Miles a really happy look.

  “Well,” said Holly, “if you’re looking for any real information about this school, let me know.”

  Miles leaned over and whispered, “Who’s the school prankster?”

  “What?” Holly asked.

  “Who put the principal’s car on the front steps?”

  “You mean it wasn’t you?”

  “No!” Miles said. “It wasn’t.”

  “Yeah,” Holly said. “I know. I was joking.”

  The bell rang. A split second before the trilling stopped, the big kid who looked like Principal Barkin burst through the door. He took a look at the teacher’s desk and, discovering it was still empty, strolled down Miles’s aisle. As the big kid passed Miles, he let his backpack hit Miles in the face.

  “Watch it, nimbus,” the big kid said to Miles. “Your face just hit my new backpack.” The kid took a seat in the last row.

  “So, who’s he?” Miles asked.

  “That’s Josh Barkin, the principal’s son,” said Holly.

  “That’s Josh Barkin, the principal’s son,” said Niles.

  “Josh is pretty much the worst kid in this school,” said Holly.

  “While I don’t want to call anyone the worst, Josh is pretty mean sometimes,” said Niles. “Also, he really likes the word ‘nimbus’ for some reason.”

  “Can I just hear from one of you,” said Miles, “and could that one of you be her?”

  Niles arranged his pencils on his desk into the shape of one big pencil.

  Holly said, “Well, the deal with Josh is that he never breaks any rules at school, but still comes up with nasty tricks like hitting you in the face with his backpack. He never gets in trouble,” said Holly, “but everyone knows he’s a weasel.”

  “Still, he’s our class president,” said Niles, “and he’s probably going to be our principal one day, so we should respect him.”

  “That guy is the class president?” Miles asked.

  “Yep!” said Niles. “Just like Principal Barkin was always class president, and so was his father, and his father, and his father. ‘The Barkins: from presidents to principals.’ That’s what Principal Barkin is always saying.”

  “But if everyone knows he’s a weasel, why does he win?” Miles asked.

  “He cheats,” said Holly.

  “Well, he used to run unopposed because he threatened to beat up any other candidates,” said Niles. “Technically, I don’t think that’s cheating. But for the last couple of years Holly has run against him and lost!”

  “You lost to that guy?” Miles asked Holly.

  “Twice!” said Niles.

  “How?” Miles asked.

  “The class president counts the votes,” Holly said.

  “That’s a dumb rule,” said Miles.

  “The class president makes the rules,” said Holly.

  “That’s ridiculous,” said Miles. “If you know you’re not going to win, why do you run?”

  “I’m a protest candidate,” said Holly. “My very presence in the race exposes the injustice of the system. Plus we get to miss class to write our speeches.”

  Miles was impressed.

  “WHERE is the TEACHER?” asked Stuart, who was sitting to Miles’s right. “I mean, the bell rang THREE MINUTES ago and there’s NOBODY here. This is HILARIOUS.”

  Nobody laughed.

  “Are WE supposed to TEACH OURSELVES?”

  Just then, Ms. Shandy walked into the classroom.

  “Sorry I’m late.” Ms. Shandy tossed a canvas tote onto the big desk. “There was a car blocking the entrance and I had to go around the back.”

  “That car was CRAZY,” Stuart said.

  “Thank you, Stuart,” said Ms. Shandy without looking up from filling out a seating chart. “I hope everybody likes where they’re sitting. These will be your seats this year. Except for you, Josh. Why don’t you move up from the back and take this desk in the front row?”

  Josh looked mad for a split second, then grinned.

  “Sure,” he said. “I can move up to the front row. I’m not sure that my dad, Principal Barkin, would want me to move, though. He always tells me to be decisive, to make a decision and then stick with it no matter what.”

  “Move, Josh,” Ms. Shandy said.

  “OK, Ms. Shandy. I’m moving. Of course I’m going to listen to you. You’re the teacher of this class, after all. However, I will be telling my dad that you made me move, even though I’d already found a seat in the back.”

  Ms. Shandy’s smile tightened a little bit.

  “NOW, Josh,” Ms. Shandy said.

  “But!” said Josh.

  “No arguing.”

  “I’m not arguing!” Josh said. “But it might be worth mentioning that I’m the class president and so—”

  “Josh.”

  Josh picked up his backpack. “You know, I could tell my dad you were late and you’d probably get fired. He’s the principal.”

  “I know he is,” said Ms. Shandy. Her smile tightened a little bit tighter.

  “He’s your boss.”

  Ms. Shandy turned to the board and began writing her name in big letters.

  “For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Ms. Shandy.”

  While Ms. Shandy was finishing up the “y” in “Shandy,” Josh hit Miles in the head with his backpack on his way to the front of the class.

  Chapter

  10

  AT LUNCH, NILES SHOWED MILES the cafeteria. “Here is where we get our trays,” said Niles. “And there is where we get our food, from a lunch lady, which is a lady that serves our lunch.”

  “Right,” said Miles. “I get it.”

  “And then over there are the tables. You might not know where to sit, since it’s your first day, so you should probably sit with me.”

  Miles decided it was important to sit as far from Niles as possible.

  Miles picked up a tray, which was soon loaded with turkey chili, tomato soup, macaroni and cheese, and a milk. Niles did the same.

  “This all looks great, Mrs. Conlon!” Niles said to the lunch lady. “And I’d like for you to meet the newest student at Yawnee Valley Science and Letters Academy. His name is Miles.”

  The lunch lady looked around and then leaned in close.

  “Well, a friend of Niles can have two milks.” She placed another carton on Miles’s tray.

  Extra milk: the first good thing to come from being Niles’s buddy.

  Miles picked up his tray, turned around, and found himself face-to-face with Josh Barkin.

  “My dad thinks you’re the one who moved his car, nimbus,” said Josh.

  “OK,” said Miles.

  “That’s going to be my car one day,” said Josh.

  “OK,” said Miles.

  “So basically you moved my car, you nimbus.”

  “But I didn’t,” said Miles.

  “And you embarrassed my dad, and the Barkin family name, so basically you embarrassed my name. And that’s why I’m going to beat you up. To preserve the honor of my name. And t
o avenge my future car. So I will probably beat you up twice—once for each.”

  “Well, I don’t think your dad will like that,” Miles said.

  “Oh, I’m not going to beat you up at school,” said Josh. “That would be against the rules, and I’m going to be principal here one day. But you know what, Miles Murphy? There’s no school rule against beating you up on the sidewalk in front of your house, or behind the gas station, or in a pasture. I will think of other places too. Places where nobody will catch me. There are so many places where I can beat you up besides school, Miles Murphy. And nobody will ever know, except for me. And you.”

  There was only one thing to do.

  Miles tilted his tray and spilled his lunch all over the front of his own clothes. Now he was covered in turkey chili, tomato soup, and macaroni and cheese.

  “What the—” said Josh.

  “Why did you do that?” Miles cried out. “Why did you do that to me?”

  The kids in the cafeteria heard the commotion and turned to see Miles covered in food. They pointed. They laughed. The room went wild.

  “What is going on here?” Ms. Shandy walked up to Miles and Josh. She stared at the stains on Miles’s shirt.

  “Josh came up and just knocked my lunch tray out of my hands,” said Miles.

  Ms. Shandy looked at Josh.

  “I didn’t!” said Josh. “That nimbus spilled it all over himself!”

  “Why would I spill food on myself?” asked Miles.

  “I don’t know!” said Josh. “Because you’re a maniac! Ms. Shandy, I never break the rules. You know that!”

  Ms. Shandy looked from Miles to Josh.

  “I think I can help, Ms. Shandy. I saw everything.”

  It was Niles.

  “Thank you, Niles,” Ms. Shandy said. “What happened here?”

  “Yeah, Niles,” said Josh. “What happened here?”