Crave the Darkness: A Shaede Assassin Novel

by amanda bonilla

  “I have no idea,” he said in mock innocence.

  “I’m in your house.”

  “I’d rather you were in my bed.”

  I felt the heat rush to my cheeks, and I stumbled on the rug. I didn’t know what to say or how to respond. Usually, I just told him to go to hell or go fuck himself instead. But I’ll be damned if Xander’s tactics didn’t have me a little off my game.

  “Darian?” Xander laughed and my skin rippled with chills.

  “I’m here.”

  “Meet me in the foyer. I’m taking you to dinner.”

  I looked down at my black outfit, more suited to fighting than a night on the town. “I’m not really dressed for going out.”

  “Don’t worry,” Xander said. “You look fine.”

  I neared the end of the hallway and stopped at the top of the stairs. “How do you know how I look?”

  “Because I can see you.”

  Xander stood at the foot of the stairs, his eyes fixed on me. The memory of his kisses was still fresh in my mind even though it happened weeks ago. I thought for a moment about Anya’s warning. But I doubted I could ever destroy Xander. He was too cocky to be destroyed by any woman. It was all about the chase for him, no aspirations of love, no matter what Anya thought to the contrary. This was safe. I could feel a little less lonely with him around. I forgot about Anya, about Adira, and Dimitri, and Kade. Xander’s eyes roamed over my body, glowing with warmth. I told myself it wasn’t affection in his expression. Admiration, maybe. Desire, definitely. I put thoughts of my broken heart to the back of my mind and whether or not Xander really cared about me. How could I think about anything else when he looked at me that way?

  I tucked my phone in my pocket and took the stairs in a steady descent. Ty was happy. He’d found someone else. He hadn’t meant to hurt me when he’d shown up with Adira, but he had just the same. Those words were my mantra, the justification I needed to seek my own joy. And joy was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs. Xander smiled, the expression tinted with his trademark arrogance. “You look beautiful.” He held out his hand. “I hope you’re hungry.”

  “I do not look beautiful.” I took his hand and the warmth was delicious. “Pretty words don’t work on me, remember? And yes, I’m starving.”

  Xander wasn’t exactly decked out for a fancy night on the town. He still looked pretty damn good, though. The navy blue striped dress shirt probably cost more than my entire wardrobe. Armani, if I had to guess. It brought out the amber flecks in his eyes and made his hair look honey blond. Tonight he’d traded his slacks for jeans and dressed up his look with leather loafers. If the rest of his wardrobe was any indicator, the shoes could buy groceries for a family of four for a month.

  “You’re better dressed than I am,” I said, making sure my tone was rueful.

  Xander opened the door and ushered me through. “Hardly. Come on, let’s get you fed.”

  “Good lord, Xander, can’t you do anything low-key?” I asked when I got a look at his car. The black Aston Martin Vantage fit him to a T, of course. “I mean, can you say ostentatious?”

  “This is low-key for me. Would you rather we took a limo? Or had a driver take us in one of the Range Rovers?”

  I gave an exaggerated sigh. “I suppose if I have no other choice. . . .”

  “You don’t.” Xander opened my door and waited for me to crawl inside. He made his way around to the driver’s seat and settled behind the wheel. “It’s so rare I get to drive it. In fact, it’s rare I get to drive at all. You’re just going to have to humor me.”

  I leaned back into the plush leather seat. I wondered if this was how Anya felt all the time in her leather outfits. “I can suffer through it.”

  “That’s what I thought.” Xander flashed a mischievous grin before revving the engine. The tires squealed as he punched the accelerator, barely missing the gate as it swung open to let us out.

  He drove us to a little diner in the Queen Anne district called Dick’s and pulled up to the drive-through window. “Best burgers in the city.” Xander turned to look at me. “Too fancy for you?”

  I laughed. The meals prepared in Xander’s kitchen were five-star gourmet. Burgers? At a drive-through? The laughter continued to bubble up and wouldn’t stop. It felt so good. Cleansed the pain that had spread like a cancer through my chest the past several months.

  “What?” Xander asked, amusement accenting his features.

  “Nothing.” I stemmed the flow of laughter, though I didn’t want to stop. “This is perfect.”

  * * *

  Paper bags in hand, we settled onto a bench in Kerry Park on Queen Anne Hill. The view of the city took my breath away, the lights twinkling against a dusky sky and the Space Needle standing watch over it all. On a clear day, you could see Mount Rainier, but its snow-capped peak was shrouded by a bank of low clouds on the move toward the city.

  “I don’t know what’s better,” I said, popping a fry in my mouth, “the food or the view.”

  “The company has them both trumped,” Xander said.

  I didn’t know what to say, so I stuffed my face with the delicious cheeseburger instead.

  “I heard about what happened today at the clinic,” Xander said. “I’m glad you’re all right.”

  I washed down the burger with some Coke. “Yeah, well. It’s no big deal.”

  “I expect in a life as exciting as yours, tussles like that really aren’t a big deal.”

  The sarcastic edge in his tone made me laugh. “I guess not. Xander,” I said, tentative. “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Anything.”

  Of course. He never denied me anything. Yet. “Why don’t you ever talk about your wife? Is she dead?”

  He gave a bitter laugh. “She’s certainly not dead. Evil like that never dies.”

  “So—you’re divorced? How does that work with the whole monarchy thing?”

  “It works just like it does in any other race or social structure. Padma lives comfortably and as far away from me as I can manage. The farther away, the better.”

  I stared out across the city, not sure why I wanted to know, or even why I cared. I guess my curiosity had been piqued because he’d never really spoken of her. She’d been human, just like Dimitri, and Xander had chosen to make her a Shaede. “You obviously loved her once. Enough to change her.”

  “Hmm . . .” Xander took a bite of his cheeseburger, chewed thoughtfully. “Perhaps.”

  “Do you miss him?” Good lord, what was wrong with me? This was supposed to be a light evening, and I couldn’t help but bring up painful topics. “Azriel?”

  Xander looked at me. His eyes glowed with a soft, sad, light. “Azriel was always more Padma’s son than mine. He had her fire—and was quick to anger just like his mother. Azriel always felt entitled to more than he was given. He was insufferably hard to please.”

  “And you don’t think this is even a little strange?” I fiddled with my straw. “You and me? Whatever this is between us.” I mean, Azriel had been my lover, after all.

  Xander cupped my cheek, brushed his thumb across my skin. “Should I?”

  Fuck, I didn’t know. It’s not like my life was defined in black and white. The gray was my comfort zone. This development between us should have been right up my moral alley. “I don’t know.”

  “I took his mother,” Xander said matter-of-factly. “I wanted her and took her right from under the nose of her male. She was already pregnant when I changed her.”

  My brain skidded to a halt and did an about-face. I’m sure my shocked expression was of the what-the-fuck variety. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

  “He was not my child. But I claimed him as my own, and no one was the wiser.”

  Surely Raif would have told me something so important. Xander had to be bullshitting me to sway my judgment. “Raif never said—”

  “He doesn’t know,” Xander interrupted. “I told no one.”

  “No way.” I
didn’t buy it. It was just too damn convenient. “You’re just telling me this to avoid some sort of moral stigma.”

  “Believe what you want. And for the record, I don’t give a damn about your insufferably human moral stigmas. Azriel was not my son by blood or birth. Padma was the lover of a Raksasha prince named Mahaveer. I’d thought her a slave when I first met her and reveled at the prospect of stealing her from the bastard. It wasn’t until much later that I discovered she’d gone to the Raksasha willingly. He’d promised to make her immortal, and in return, she’d agreed to lure innocent victims to him that he sacrificed in order to strengthen his magic.”

  “What’s a Raksasha?” I interrupted. I thought I was pretty familiar with most supernatural creatures by now, but this one was new to me.

  “They claim to be demigods, but they’re nothing more than an evil, malevolent race of ghouls. They absorb power by eating the flesh of the dying and drinking their blood. The worse the victim’s suffering, the greater the power they ingest.”

  Lovely. Just the sort of creature I wouldn’t mind taking out. This Mahaveer sounded like a real piece of work. And apparently Padma was no better. Way to pick a winner, Xander.

  “No one suspected the child wasn’t mine,” Xander continued. “I sought only to protect Azriel. He was in his mother’s womb when I changed her, and he inherited the Shaede gifts I’d given her. It didn’t change his nature, however. Azriel was always a cold, calculating child. Whether I wanted to admit it or not, nothing I’d done to change him on the outside could affect his parentage. His Raksasha nature was much too dominant.”

  “Jesus.” My mind struggled to wrap itself around this revelation. “Did Azriel know?”

  “I never told him,” Xander said softly. “And he never had reason to question his lineage. He may have had a ghoul’s blood and parentage, but physically, he was simply a Shaede. I cannot speak for his mother, though. Once I learned the truth of her involvement with the Raksasha, I sent her away. I kept Azriel close, though. I hoped”—he sighed—“I hoped if he stayed close to Raif, some of my brother’s honor would rub off on him. I was wrong.”

  If only . . . I fiddled with the straw in my cup, utterly speechless. Even for Xander, the story was just too wild to be fabricated. Azriel, the son of a ghoul. It almost made perfect sense.

  “You’re certainly introspective tonight, Darian. Does this have anything to do with seeing your Jinn today?”

  I snapped to attention at Xander’s change of subject. “How did you know I saw Tyler today?”

  Xander smirked. “I’m the king, my love. I know everything.” He leaned over, bumped his shoulder against mine in an almost playful way. “Eat your food. You need to keep that question machine you call a mouth occupied for a while.”

  We finished eating in comfortable silence as I tried to process everything that Xander had told me. Not even Raif knew the truth of Azriel’s parentage and I wondered what, besides Xander’s usual ploys, had prompted him to confide in me. Darkness swallowed twilight, and the city lights stood out in stark relief against the navy blue backdrop. This had been a day full of revelations. I’d have to start looking for Kade tomorrow. I’d probably have to call Tyler too; not exactly something I was excited to do. And I’d be picking Levi’s brain for sure. If anyone would hear the rumblings of a demon in town, it’d be him.

  I wadded up our trash and put everything in one of the nearest trash cans. Xander leaned back, bracing himself on his arms and stared out at the cityscape.

  “I’d sit here all night like this with you if you’d let me.” His voice was soft in the quiet night. “Why have you been avoiding me?”

  “I told you, I haven’t. I’ve just been busy.”

  “Liar.”

  “Xander.” I tried to sit, but he grabbed my hand and pulled me toward him until I stood between his knees. I couldn’t relax, so I took a deep breath. “I just don’t know what I’m doing right now. I don’t want to give you any mixed signals or make you think that what’s going on here is something more or less than it is.” Lovely. How could I explain how I felt when I couldn’t even make sense of it? “The other night was a mistake. I needed a distraction. Something to take my mind off just how much I hurt. You touched a nerve when you suggested that proving I’d moved on would make Tyler jealous. And is that okay with you, Xander? I mean, Jesus. Are you seriously okay with me using you for some kind of emotional manipulation just because I’ve been hurt?”

  “Darian . . .” It wasn’t pity in his voice—exactly. More like he was amused that I was looking out for him. “Maybe you should quit overthinking everything and just let things progress naturally. You might enjoy living a little more if you released the choke hold you have on your life.”

  Something in my brain snapped at his words. The choke hold as he called it was what had destroyed my relationship with Tyler. And now it was all I fucking had. It’s all I’d ever had in an existence that was completely out of my control. Fine. If Xander wanted to see me release the choke hold, I’d do just that. He’d all but dared me with his arrogant expression and mocking words. I lifted my gaze, and this time it wasn’t Xander closing the distance between us. I held on to him like a lifeline, gathering his shirt into my fists. When our mouths met, it wasn’t shy or tentative. It was fierce. Hungry. Demanding. His lips crushed mine, his tongue thrusting into my mouth. I returned his ardor, pushing against him so that my breasts rubbed against his chest. My nipples hardened, and an electric blast of excitement crashed over me in a wave of sensation. All I could think of was his hands on me. I wanted to feel his skin against mine, lose myself in his touch.

  I pulled away to catch my breath, but I wanted more. More of his mouth, his body . . . My pulse thrummed in my ears and I felt a need deep in my core, an emptiness that I longed to fill. “Xander,” I said, my voice thick. “Let’s go.”

  * * *

  Even with Xander driving like a maniac, he couldn’t get us back to the house fast enough. My hands wandered, tracing his fingers, his arm, venturing to his thigh. I could see his profile in the glow of the dash, his jaw clenched and his chest rising and falling with his heavy breath. “Darian,” he warned. “This car isn’t very accommodating, and if you don’t stop what you’re doing, I’m going to be forced to pull over and utilize the space as best I can.” My throaty laugh didn’t do anything to calm either one of us down. “Gods,” Xander breathed. “I’ve never wanted anything more than I want you.”

  When we stopped in front of the house, Xander killed the engine and turned to look at me. The hunger in his gaze renewed my own lustful feelings and rather than bother with the door, he faded into shadow and glided toward me in a rush of fragrant air that reminded me of roses in full bloom. I followed suit, and we drifted through the car door, our bodies nothing more than the essence of darkness, entwined as a single shape.

  “Darian,” he said against my ear, his body becoming solid against mine. I caressed him, still shrouded in shadow, winding and twisting myself around him like a curl of ribbon. Xander moaned, the sound muffled by my lips as I became corporeal. Without another word, Xander’s mouth moved on mine as if he were starved for me. Passion ignited deep within me as I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back with everything I had. His mouth slanted against mine, our tongues meeting again and again while he walked backward, leading me into the house.

  The door slammed behind us without regard to anyone we might’ve woken, and we climbed the stairs, never breaking the kiss. I fumbled with the buttons on his shirt, desperate to feel his chest bare beneath my searching fingers. He tripped, and I laughed as we fell, sprawled out on the stairs. “We’ll never make it at this rate,” I said, nipping at his neck.

  “To hell with it.” Xander pushed me away enough that he could unfasten my pants. “I don’t care if we’re caught.”

  The idea of having sex on Xander’s staircase struck me as incredibly hot, but the thought of having an audience did not. “I don’t know about you,” I
said. “But I’m not much of an exhibitionist.”

  Xander kissed me, just a flutter of his lips on mine. “No, I don’t think I’d like to share the sight of your naked body with anyone.” He wriggled out from underneath me and stood. Grabbing me by the hand, he pulled me along and took the stairs two at a time.

  At the top of the stairs, he pulled me against him. His hand slid inside my pants to cup my ass. I moaned into his mouth and it only seemed to excite us more. We bounced off the walls, the banister, any obstacle in our path, the rest of the way to Xander’s room, too wrapped up in one another to give a damn about watching where we were going or who might be watching us.

  Hands groping, greedy for bare flesh, we tore at each other’s clothes once we were safely shut inside Xander’s suite. He peeled my shirt over my head, throwing it behind him. I don’t know where the discarded clothing landed, but it was followed by the sound of breaking glass. I kicked off my boots, and one flew onto the coffee table in the sitting room, sending a stack of coasters flying; the other may have skidded into the bathroom. Xander claimed my mouth in another ravenous kiss as I undid the last few buttons on his shirt and pushed it down over his shoulders.

  His skin exuded a fiery warmth, and I was glad for the difference. Xander was the heat to Tyler’s cold, and I wanted nothing in this moment to remind me of past pain and heartache. Being with Xander was a cleansing. Like a phoenix, I’d be reborn from Xander’s flame. I rubbed my palms against his chest, his nipples hardening at my touch. My stomach clenched, spreading lower still, as I ventured down over the ridges of his abs to the waistband of his jeans. I ran my fingers inside, and Xander drew his breath in sharply. It was all the encouragement I needed. With a quick tug, I had the button loose and with slow, achingly slow precision, I pulled the zipper down, tooth by tooth.

  I raised my gaze to his, and a grin spread across his regal face. “Going commando tonight, Your Highness?” I teased. “Nice touch.” Without waiting for a response, I reached down, taking the hard, velvet smooth length of him in my hand. My eyes were locked on Xander’s lips as they parted, deliciously tempting, and I slowly dragged my gaze up until our eyes met.