Crave the Darkness: A Shaede Assassin Novel

by amanda bonilla

  If only. “Anya,” I pleaded, “help me. I know you’d just as soon kick me as give me a hand, but if I’m going to have any chance of beating Kade, I need you.”

  Anya snorted. “Xander puts too much faith in you. But not me. I knew you’d let me down. You’re worthless.”

  “That’s enough, Anya.” Xander strode through the door and slammed it behind him. One of the drawbacks to superhuman hearing is the fact that conversations are rarely private. “You are grieving, so I will forgive your thoughtless words. But know that future disparages against Darian will not be tolerated.”

  “She let him die!” she shouted through a fresh round of tears.

  “She did nothing of the sort,” Xander said with a sad shake of his head. “Did you not see how she fought to get to Dimitri?”

  Anya bit down on her bottom lip to still its quaking. “She promised me she’d keep him safe.”

  “And she did everything in her power.”

  I really hated being talked about right in front of my face. Xander’s rationalizing wasn’t getting me any of the information I needed and it certainly wasn’t doing anything to assuage Anya’s grief. She’d lost her husband just hours ago. She deserved every bit of the rage she felt. And if she wanted to take it out on me, I was more than happy to be her punching bag. “Xander, I don’t need you to stand up for me.” He gave me an incredulous look so I added, “Not that I don’t appreciate it. Look, I’ll meet you in your room when I’m done here, okay?” I looked to Anya for concurrence. “Would that be all right with you?”

  She gave a solemn nod of her head and I turned back to Xander. “Please. Leave us.”

  It wasn’t a question so much as a request. Xander’s interference was making an already bad situation worse. I walked—okay, pushed—Xander to the door and ushered him out. “I can take care of myself,” I whispered. “Go away.” I shut the door in his face without another word. “Can you say, high-handed?” I asked in an attempt at levity as I walked back to the couch.

  “He’s the king,” Anya said, her voice monotone. “It’s his right.”

  “If you say so.” Damn, this was hard for me. I wanted to offer my condolences, tell Anya how sorry I was for her loss. I wish I hadn’t been so closed off from the world for so long. Because now more than ever, I didn’t want to come across as an insensitive bitch. “I really liked Dimitri.”

  One corner of Anya’s mouth turned up. “He liked you, too.”

  “I have a plan. I know how to take Kade down. But I can’t get to him without your help.”

  “What do you want to know?” Anya asked, scooting over to offer me a place on the couch.

  “Let’s start with this demon bible,” I said as I sat down, “and go from there.”

  * * *

  As I walked down the hall to Xander’s room, I processed everything Anya told me. What Kade had really been after was the book. I’d had a sneaking suspicion. A coldhearted bastard like Kade wouldn’t have gone after Anya simply over a broken heart. That was just his excuse. Anya had kept the demon bible—a sort of esoteric insider’s guide to the Incubus world—after she’d stolen it from Kade’s father. Trouble was, it was thousands of miles away, in the keeping of someone she trusted. Plus, according to Anya, she’d never been able to open the damn thing. It had some sort of magical lock that prevented anyone except for maybe Kade’s father from getting a look inside. We’d negotiate with Kade if we had to. Give him the location of the book. But she and Dimitri had agreed long ago that if the contents of the codex were so well protected that no one could get past the locks, it probably contained information that would be dangerous in the hands of someone like Kade. In fact, as he lay bleeding on the ballroom floor, Dimitri made his wife promise that she’d never give Kade the book, no matter what. So out of respect for her husband’s wishes, I promised Anya we’d give up its location only as a last resort.

  Not an option I was particularly excited about.

  Demon bibles aside, Anya had given me all the ammo I needed against Kade and then some. I had his dead female’s name and stats down to a T. And I hit the jackpot when she’d managed to find me a picture to give to Levi’s ex. I felt confident that I’d have more than enough to offer Pamela when I met with her tomorrow. I was going to stop that Cambion bastard. No one else was going to die at his hands.

  It was already nine in the morning, and most of Xander’s household staff had been up and working for hours. I entered the king’s suite wanting nothing more than a few moments of peace so I could get my thoughts in order and maybe get a few hours’ sleep before preparations for Dimitri’s funeral began.

  “How is she?” Xander’s quiet voice seemed to encircle me.

  “Sleeping,” I said. “But you should check in on her soon.”

  “I’ll let her rest for a while,” he said. “How are you?”

  I didn’t even know how to answer. Exhausted . . . frustrated . . . confused . . . angry as hell . . . disappointed in myself . . . the list went on and on. “I let everyone down,” I said. “Anya’s right, Xander. You shouldn’t have put your faith in me.”

  “Darian . . .” The Shaede King’s arms wrapped around my waist, and he brought me against his chest. He smelled like the forest after a hard rain. “You aren’t some superhero. You must accept that there will be disappointments in life. Good men die, and sometimes the villain wins. It has nothing to do with you letting anyone down. It’s simply the nature of this life. You have to learn to take the good with the bad.”

  He put his hands on my shoulders to put me at arms’ distance. He bent down, his face close to mine and stared into my eyes. “Breathe, Darian. Clear your mind of worry.”

  “I can’t.” Jesus, I couldn’t breathe. My lungs refused to work. “Oh, god, Xander. How could I have let him just stroll in like that and slit Dimitri’s throat?” As I drew in tight little breaths, I wondered if I’d pass out. For weeks—no for months—my world had felt like it was spinning out of control. And after years of holding on so tightly and exercising complete control over my life, I felt more lost than ever. Losing Dimitri and witnessing the destruction of Anya’s happy life was my breaking point. The pain—the outright injustice of it all—was just too damn much.

  Xander’s hands wandered from my shoulders to my back as he pulled me close to him. The warmth of his body did nothing except remind me that Anya would never know that comfort from her husband ever again. He cupped the back of my neck and cradled me against him. He laid his lips to my temple and moved lower, next to my ear and then down my neck. I pulled away, unwilling to let the moment progress and Xander whispered in my ear, “You need to forget for a moment and be free of these damned thoughts that torture you so. Let me comfort you.”

  “No, Xander,” I replied, choking on the words. “Please.”

  He held me tighter. “I love you.”

  “No.” Panic rose in me. This wasn’t what I wanted. I couldn’t bear for him to say those words to me.

  “Darian,” Xander’s distressed tone served to further tear my composure to shreds. “Don’t push me away.”

  “I just can’t . . .” The words died on my tongue. So many words could finish that sentence.

  “What?” Xander demanded. “You can’t bear to hear me tell you how I feel about you? You can’t acknowledge the fact that you belong here, with me, with your own kind?”

  I didn’t belong anywhere. Even among Shaedes I was an anomaly. Why couldn’t Xander see that?

  “I want you.” Xander stressed the words as if trying to pound them into my head. “Not just for the night or the moment. I want to be there for you. To comfort you, to protect you, to cherish you. Why is that so hard for you to comprehend?”

  “I think we both know I’m not the one who needs comfort right now.” I pulled away from Xander’s embrace, though he kept my wrist firmly in his grip. “Anya needs you. She needs your protection and support. She’s going to need you for weeks to come, too.”

  “You’re defle
cting,” Xander said, his tone becoming more agitated. “This isn’t about Anya. This is about you and me.”

  “There is no you and me,” I murmured. “There can’t be.”

  “Why? Tell me, Darian. I’d like to hear your list of excuses, your denial that you feel anything for me.”

  Of course I felt something for Xander. How could I not after the weeks we’d spent together? He’d grounded me. Gave me permission to let go and release the choke hold I had on my life. He’d brought me back from the precipice of self-destruction and helped me to move forward when I thought my heart would permanently break. But I didn’t love him. And I knew that deep down, he didn’t love me either.

  A timid knock came at the king’s door, saving me from any further conversation, and Xander’s body slumped as he released his grip on my wrist and took a step back.

  “Your Highness,” a voice said from the other side of the door. “Anya is asking for you.”

  “You should go check on her,” I said. “You promised her you’d come back after I left.”

  “I’ve called in my physician to see her,” Xander said with a heavy sigh. “With her recent distress, I want to be sure she and the baby are all right. He should be here in a few minutes if he’s not waiting for me in my office already. I suppose I should go.” Before he turned to leave, he added, “There never seems to be enough hours for us, Darian. How can I possibly prove myself to you when we have so little time? I hope that changes. Soon.” He pulled open the door and said, “You should sleep. You need to rest your mind and clear your thoughts.”

  My heart sank into my chest at Xander’s dark tone. I didn’t know how much more heartache any of us could take. “You should apologize to her,” I said. “For bursting in and reprimanding her earlier. I could have handled Anya’s temper on my own.”

  “To insult you is an insult to me,” Xander replied. “I will not abide any of my subjects’ mistreatment of you. No matter how beloved.”

  I was too exhausted to reply. Besides, it would only encourage him to stay and argue the point. I watched as he pulled the door closed behind him. Xander’s words weighed me down with anxiety that made my stomach twist and my chest burn with suppressed emotions. Xander was supposed to be safe. Too arrogant and frivolous to form emotional attachments to anyone or anything. I couldn’t let this go on. Not while I still loved Tyler with all of my heart and soul. I refused to be responsible for any more sorrow and Xander didn’t deserve to be played.

  I was tired of playing games.

  My thoughts became muddled as sleep tugged at my mind. Xander was right about one thing: I needed rest. Both physically and emotionally. I couldn’t afford to worry about my own problems or insecurities right now. Dimitri’s funeral would take place at midnight, and I didn’t want to be too tired or distracted to stand guard.

  Nothing more than a breath of shadow, I left Xander’s suite. By the time I made it to my room, my eyes had begun to drift shut of their own volition. I flopped down on the bed, and as I raced toward the oblivion of sleep, I tried to block out the sound of Anya’s sorrow as she began to cry once again. There were times when supernatural hearing definitely had its drawbacks. I hugged a pillow over my ears and prayed for the strength to bring Kade to justice. Because right now, I felt so, so weak. “I wish . . .” My voice was nothing more than a whisper as the words dreamily crept to my lips. What? What did I want? “I wish life wasn’t so damned hard and complicated.” A familiar energy tingled across my skin, so faint I thought I’d imagined it as I sloughed the last of my consciousness and found a deep and dreamless sleep.

  Chapter 29

  “What will happen?” I asked Raif as I laced up my boots. I wanted to know what to expect so I didn’t disrespect Anya by coming across as a clueless idiot at her husband’s funeral.

  “We will send Dimitri’s soul into the shadows of the afterlife,” Raif replied. “It is an ancient ceremony dating back to the beginnings of the Shaede lineage. The tradition has not changed for thousands of years.”

  “I take it this won’t be a small-scale production?” Raif cocked his brow, and I wished I could suck the words back into my mouth. “You know what I mean.”

  “Xander owns a large amount of acreage near Snoqualmie where the ceremony will be performed. As you’re there to protect Anya, you won’t be expected to participate.”

  I threw on my duster, feeling suddenly awkward about my street clothes. Like the rest of the Shaedes attending tonight’s ritual, Raif was decked out in an ancient-looking, jet black ensemble: loose-fitting pants and a strange robelike tunic that was held in place with a wide black leather belt. Everyone would be wearing black from head to toe, more for the symbolism of our shadow-selves than for the somberness of the color.

  Anya passed the doorway to my suite just as Raif and I were leaving. For the second time since I’d met her, she’d abandoned her usual leather outfit. If I’d thought she was stunning in her evening gown, it was nothing compared to the tragic beauty of the flowing black robes that swirled around her body as if they were made of nothing but weightless shadow. She looked thinner, more vulnerable as the fabric appeared to swallow her lithe frame. Her violet eyes stood out in stark contrast to her dark hair and robes—puffy and bloodshot from hours of crying—haunting in their beauty. She passed me without so much as a sideways glance. Understandable since she was still grieving, and emotionally raw, and blaming me for the fact that there had to be a funeral at all. I tucked the nearly invisible ear bud into my ear and clipped the mic unit to my collar. In my right ear, I could hear the chatter of my team members as they prepared to load the various members of Xander’s court into the many SUVs parked in the circular driveway.

  “Asher. Meet me in the foyer.”

  The talk died down instantly as Asher answered, “Gotcha.”

  “Problem?” Raif asked as we descended the stairs.

  “With Ash?” I scoffed. “Probably.” A couple of nights ago, I’d wanted nothing more than to wash my hands of the cocky Shaede. But Asher was valuable. Though I still didn’t know how he could make himself virtually unnoticeable, I needed that stealth factor in case shit went down. Not even Kade, with all of his stolen power, would see Asher coming. “I just want to check in and see how things went at Tyler’s last night.” I hadn’t been able to get an update the night before because I’d gone straight to Xander’s suite.

  Asher was waiting for me in the foyer, and I almost couldn’t believe the kid had actually followed orders for a change. Raif excused himself to find Xander since they’d be riding with Anya. I fixed a stern eye on the young Shaede as he leaned against the archway that led from the foyer into the sitting room. I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d adopt such a comfortable position if Xander happened to walk by. “What happened last night?” I asked.

  “Well, you were right about Tyler not wanting a babysitter. He didn’t like having Liam and me hanging around. But I told him that my orders came directly from you and I didn’t feel like pissing you off.”

  Whatever. He loved to piss me off. “What did Tyler say?”

  A lazy grin spread across Asher’s face and he shrugged. “He said something about how you always had to have your way and then he slammed the door in my face.”

  That, I believed. “Any idea how Adira is doing?”

  “The female? I think she was all right. I could hear them talking, anyway.”

  “Any idea what they were talking about?”

  “Well, since they knew Liam and I were outside, they didn’t let much slip,” he replied.

  Of course. When your unwelcome guards have superhuman hearing, it was always best to keep your mouth shut. “Great. I was hoping Adira would have said something about Kade.”

  “It was all sort of sobby apologies on her part and Tyler doing the typical sappy bullshit.” Asher lowered his voice as he imitated Ty. “Everything will be okay, baby. I promise.”

  I could do without the sappy bullshit.

  “No sign of
Kade, then?” I opened the front door and waited for Asher to follow.

  “Nope. The dude is like a motherfucking ghost.”

  “Sort of like you,” I remarked as a reminder to Asher that I hadn’t forgotten about his own little quirks.

  “No,” he said solemnly. “Nothing like me.”

  * * *

  The drive to Xander’s property took about an hour. The surrounding landscape was nothing but dense forest. Eleven thirty, and the cloudy sky made the night seem impenetrably dark. No stars or moonlight would grace Dimitri’s funeral. It was fitting, somehow. As if the very sky mourned his death.

  We pulled off the main road and took a trail that was little more than a couple of tire tracks where the vegetation had been mashed down. Brush and tree limbs scraped across the doors of our vehicle as we drove deeper into the forest. We came to what looked like a man-made—or, I guess, Shaede-made—clearing. It was obvious that the copse of trees had been cut back and the area manicured to shape the clearing into a perfect circle. I couldn’t help but wonder what it was about the supernatural community that they loved to hold ceremonies in meadows, clearings, or any open spaces out in the middle of nowhere. It must have had something to do with their long lives and ties to their pasts and traditions. All Fae creatures—and the Shaedes perched on a branch of that family tree—seemed to have an affinity for all things nature-related. Made sense. After all, most of them had been alive before the dawn of Christianity, worshipping ancient gods in sacred forests, where civilizations were few and far between.

  Hundreds of lit torches lined the outer perimeter of the circle, and in the center was a tall wooden structure that looked suspiciously like a . . . “Raif, is that a pyre?” I asked, in disbelief.

  “It is,” he said in that infuriating way that let me know he found my questions exhausting.