I loved his voice after sex. So rough and raw and my body so sensitive that it alone kindled the pressure between my legs again. “I bring you here,” his finger trailed lightly along my cheek, “I don’t tell you why. I can’t even make it to the bed to fuck you because I’ve been so starved for your touch.”
There was no way in hell I was going to complain when he put it like that. Not like I was complaining anyway.
“Starved?” I whispered. “It’s only been a few days.”
“I’m fucking emaciated, Sunshine.” His thumb brushed over my lip. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m not.” Not in the slightest. “Tell me now. Why am I here? A week ago…” Well, there was no point in repeating all of that. “And now, you’re starving…”
“Because…” his finger gently trailed along the edge of my jaw. God, every endearing touch on my face was making my insides throb even more. “Because I want your smile, your sunshine, your tears, your hurt.” His lips touched mine; the softest kiss he’d ever given me and I breathed in his desperate devotion. “I want your body, your heart, your love. I want them all and I can’t have them.” His lips planted butterfly kisses on my cheek – so soft, I could have been imagining them.
“Because of Chance?” There was no point leaving him out of the conversation anymore.
“No. I stopped caring what your brother thought the second I realized I couldn’t live without you. I can’t have them because I’ve made you hate me.” His twisted laugh scored my skin. “That was all I ever wanted to do – all I ever needed to do to keep you away from me. And now that I’ve done it, I wish like fuck that I could take it back.”
Delusional. Hallucinating. Did Channing spike my tea? Nick stopped in the coffee shop earlier, did he spike my coffee with something? That was the only explanation.
Was it possible to hallucinate what you needed to hear so that your body didn’t finally just give up and call it quits on this thing called life?
Yes, I think so.
There was no other explanation for what was happening because it certainly couldn’t be real.
I started laughing – because that’s what awkward people do in serious situations. And this situation was very serious.
“You think I hate you?” Incredulous was a poor descriptor for how I sounded. “After all of this?”
“Ally, what I said—“
“No, hold on.” I propped myself up on my elbow, looking down into the sparkling black abyss of his eyes. “You’re right. I do hate you. In fact, I made a list specifically for you in my diary of all the things that I hate about you—“ I paused, almost feeling guilty for the way he was taking me completely seriously right now. “You, with your stupid, sexy smile and your attractive asshole attitude. Let me tell you… I hate the way you look at me like you want to devour me. I hate the way you respond not to what I say, but to what I think because you always seem to know. I hate the way you insist on looking out for me and protecting me when sometimes, all I want to do is lose myself. I hate the way you know my body better than I do and I hate the way it responds perfectly to your touch.”
His eyes glistened as he realized just where I was going with this.
Tears were already streaming down my face as I pushed forward, “I hate the way you punish yourself for the past when you don’t deserve it. I hate the way I always look for you and the way I can’t stop thinking about you. I hate the way that it feels like I need you more than I need air.”
“I hate the way you keep me on the edge of having everything that I need. But mostly, I hate the way you’ve tried to make me hate you, because I can’t. Not even a little bit. Because I love you.”
“I’m sorry,” he murmured. Hard words from a man who felt like they would never be enough.
“I know and I forgave you days ago,” I promised.
His lips crushed mine again as though he were trying to seal my words like a promise so that I couldn’t take them back.
“Alice Daisy Ryder,” I thought I held my breath, but the truth was he’d stolen it. “I’ve been in the dark and I’ve realized that you’re all I need; I need the sun to break through. I’m so fucking in love with you.”
I smiled so big that I had to laugh even as tears escaped down my cheeks. “I hate the way you make me cry and laugh at the same time. I love you, Emmett, for the bazillionth time.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Are you sassing me right now? Because you’ve said it more times?” I laughed harder and shook my head. “I think you are.”
And then he began to tickle me.
“Don’t you worry, little Miss Sunshine, I’ve got every fucking day for the rest of my life to make sure that I surpass your tally.”
I gasped for air. “What did you just say?”
“I need you, Ally. I need you in my life. Every fucking day for forever because otherwise there is no light; there is no life.”
“No, wait. Are you… did you just say the f-word?”
We froze, a slow grin spreading over his face. I was sassing him again for the time he told me that ‘forever’ wasn’t a part of his vocabulary.
“Forever, Sunshine. I need you forever. I’ll love you forever.”
My heart hurt for a whole new reason – one that I thought I’d never experience: so much love that I thought it would burst at the seams of where he’d soldered all of the shards of it back together again.
“So, yes, I did say the f-word. It felt… pretty good, I have to say,” he said with a sexy grin as his hands slid down to my waist. “But now I’m wondering if I’ll enjoy that word more than my current favorite f-word.”
“That’s a tough choice, Mr. Jameson.” I slid my hips closer to his.
“It is. Maybe exploring both options again will make it easier…” I shivered with anticipation as his lips touched mine. “I want you forever, Ally.”
I moaned as his teeth grabbed my lower lip.
“That felt pretty damn good. Now, I’m going to take you upstairs – to bed – and fuck you nice and slow and see how that compares.”
And after numerous, carefully-planned trials, the results were still inconclusive.
Chapter 27
Ally
I love him.
“I don’t know how it’s possible,” Emmett’s voice pulled me from my sleep, “for me to want you so much,” his finger trailed lightly down my spine, “after I’ve just finished having you.”
I shivered at his words.
“Even though I probably fucked you raw last night… and this morning… I just can’t.” He kissed the back of my shoulder. “Seem.” Another brush of his lips. “To get.” A small nip. “Enough.”
I let out a sigh. “Do you hear me complaining?”
I was sore. Oh, was I sore. The general radius surrounding my sex felt like someone had tazed me repeatedly. Not that I knew what that felt like. But my muscles ached from the extremes of being tensed and then relaxed and my skin had that tingly-numb feel like when the Novocain starts to wear off after the dentist.
And I was not complaining.
My stomach, on the other hand, gave its own input into the conversation.
“Alright, alright,” he laughed, sliding off the mattress, “I’m going to go get us breakfast and coffee because I have nothing here and we are going to need food for the day ahead.”
“Oh yeah? Should I just stay in bed then?” I grinned.
“As much as I would love that, I was thinking more along the lines of going to talk to your brother.”
I quickly snapped my mouth shut. Yeah, I’d made my peace with Chance, but this wasn’t just about me and my relationship with my brother.
I turned my head to watch him dress, biting my smile as I saw him tuck his erection into his pants, and drooling slightly as I let me eyes linger on his abs. Abs like his should be illegal in forty-nine out of fifty states. I made the exception for Alaska since it’s so cold, I couldn’t imagine anyone ever wanting to be naked there.
“You
can stay right there, sunshine. Or you can shower if you want.”
“Is that it?”
The ‘was that sass?’ eyebrow raised. “You can do anything you want except leave.”
“Ok,” I murmured. “I think I can manage that.”
I debated staying in bed for a good five minutes after I heard his truck start. But, my muscles throbbed for a nice, hot shower. Assuming my legs could make it down the stairs.
As good as it sounded, I was too anxious to stay under the water for long. I wanted to be out before Emmett got back. I towel-dried my hair and threw on one of his white t-shirts. It was big, obviously, but it just barely came down below my ass and I guess for men, it never mattered whether the material was see-through or not. Spoiler alert: it was.
When he still wasn’t back, I took to tidying up the space that had definitely seen better days. I folded all of our snow gear that was still on the floor. Picked up the empty bottles of Jameson and tossed them in his recycling bin. I went to wipe down the small coffee table of what looked like remnants of rolling weed when I noticed the papers folded on the couch.
The door opened and I jumped with a start, looking like I’d been caught snooping.
“You look good in my shirt.” He took a good long look at me. My heart swelled. Then, a very brief glance at what I was holding and asked, “Can I tell you what they say?”
Nodding, I set the papers back down again.
“Ruth is here.”
I frantically grabbed a pillow and held it up in front of me, expecting Ruth to walk in any second.
“That’s not what I meant,” he chuckled, closing the door behind him. “She’s in town. She came here yesterday because I was ignoring her calls.”
“Why? Is everything ok?”
His eyes glinted at me, setting the coffee-carrier down on the counter.
“I ignored her calls because I had to turn my phone off and practically hide it from myself so that I didn’t call you.” Wow, did that make my heart race. He walked over to me, holding out a travel cup of coffee.
“Thank you,” I said, taking it in both hands for a sip.
His hands went to my waist, pulling my hips against his as he stared down at the cup in my hands. “Miriam didn’t want a funeral. She was cremated and she wants me to bury her ashes or spread them on the mountain or something along those lines. Honestly, I didn’t even read the papers; that was just what Ruth said. I figured that was what was in them.”
Oh. “What did you say?”
He sighed and rested his forehead against mine. “The wrong thing. Of course. I’d been drinking and smoking. I told her to get out. Well, no. First, I asked if she was fucking kidding and then I told her to get out.”
“Oh, dear.”
“I told you, I’m an asshole.” He groaned. “Are you sure you still want me?”
“Forever.” I pushed onto my tip-toes and kissed him gently. “When is she leaving?”
“Don’t know. Tomorrow probably.”
“Ok, so we still have time,” I said.
He released me and walked back over to where the bag he’d brought in was.
“Time for what?” he asked, dumping the breakfast sandwiches onto the counter.
“To do this. For Miriam.” My bare feet moved quietly over the floor as I gravitated towards the food. “Do you not want to?”
“I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem right. Ruth has always been there for her. She should be the one.”
“Well, Ruth is still going to be there.” My point was met with silence. “Emmett, you’re right. Ruth has been there for her even when you weren’t. Now that you’ve made your peace, she is asking you to be there for her this one time.”
Sandwich. In mouth. Before I kept rambling.
We sat at the counter and ate quietly. I let him process whatever he needed to. I would be here for him, waiting, until he was ready.
“Will you come with me?” he asked with a low voice, tainted with pain and sadness.
My head flicked to his. “Of course.” I stood and stepped between his legs, his arm immediately coming around my back to hold me. “Of course, I will be there with you. For you.”
That got me a quick, hard kiss. Barely a second and it still had my toes curling. “Don’t fucking deserve you, Sunshine.”
“You can keep saying that, but don’t ever think that I believe it.”
He nuzzled my neck. “Or I can just keep trying to prove it to you.”
“Well, that I might let you do.” I teased, biting his lip. “But only because you’re so good at it.”
The hand around my waist slipped lower, tugging up the cotton tee so that he could grab my ass. “Well, it’s a good thing I enjoy trying to prove myself.” Fingers slipped dangerously in-between my legs and I quickly pulled back, holding up a finger.
“We need to eat. You need to call Ruth,” I scolded.
He growled at me, pinning me with his stare as he took another sip of coffee. “And you need to be ready for me when I’m done.”
“I’m always ready for you.” My smirk quickly morphed into a squeal as he darted off his chair towards me. Laughing, I jogged into the bathroom to attempt to dry my hair, partially closing the door when I saw him pick up his phone to do what I’d said.
Emmett
“Emmett…” I turned my head towards my girl, draped head-to-toe in black – except for her snow boots.
We’d just gotten back from the funeral. If you could even call it that. Ruth came over yesterday and even though I wasn’t completely comfortable with the idea, I could see the relief stamped on her face that I had changed my mind.
She’d told me again what Miriam had wanted and I’d reluctantly agreed. There was a small path that led up to an overlook behind my cabin; we could do it there. I’d thought that we’d spread the ashes and be done with it; Ally had other plans.
“Do you want to stay for dinner, Ruth? We would love to have you over.” I’d glared at her for a second before I realized I wasn’t winning this battle. ‘My house. My rules.’ – yeah, that shit was totally out the window. Every one of my fucking cells belonged to her; what she did or who she invited to the house was trivial.
My next instinct had tempted me to fill her mouth with something else to make her stop talking. But that was mostly just because I wanted to fill her mouth with me. Again.
When those blue eyes of hers finally gave me the time of day, I coolly agreed with her, only silently acknowledging that it was the right thing to do.
That was my sunshine – stretching me, pushing me to do all of these fucking nice things. For her, I would. And later, I would return the favor.
And so, with a smile that could outshine the stars, she took my keys and ran to the grocery store, leaving Ruth and me alone for the first time in almost fifteen years.
“I’m sorry, Emmett,” she began softly; it was these moments that she reminded me most of her – our – mom. “I’m sorry you didn’t get more time with her.”
“Don’t be. It’s my fucking fault.” I stood. “You want a drink?”
“Whiskey is good.” Maybe we did have a few similarities after all. “I can’t believe you still have this.” I looked up to see her holding the picture of Miriam and me that was on the mantle. “That was such a fun day.”
“It was.” I didn’t do conversations like this. What the fuck was I supposed to say? No fucking clue. And then, my little sassy sunshine came to my mind, coaxing the next words from me. “I don’t know why I was so afraid of having more of them.”
“Pain makes us do funny things.” She took the drink from my hand and took a sip.
“I wish it hadn’t cost me so much.”
“Don’t.” She gave me a small, comforting smile. “She did what she had to and you… you thrived. It may have cost you time with her, but don’t think it stopped her from getting to know you. Some days, I think she knew more about your life than mine.” Her laugh said that she wasn’t kidding. “All she wanted,
Emmett, was to see you happy. But more than that, she wanted to know that you’d found whatever you needed to let someone love you – even if that someone couldn’t be her. You gave her that.”
“Did I?” She’d barely met Ally and I’d talked to her for a few hours – most of which she slept through, I think.
“Yes,” she chuckled. “Our mom may not have been sure about a lot of things in life, but there was no doubt in her mind that you’d let Ally in, that you loved her.” She folded her arms. “Was she wrong?”
“No.”
“I just wanted to tell you how happy it made her – how happy you made her, regardless of what you may think.” Well, I was trying to believe otherwise; it would take time though. “I also wanted to tell you about Rose.”
“Why? I know everything I need to about my mother.” And I really didn’t want to hear any more about the woman who used me for her own purposes.
“She never forgave Rose for what she did. But she never stopped loving her sister either.”
“Well, Miriam was good at loving undeserving people, that’s for sure.” Ally’s irritated face flashed through my mind.
“Emmett… there’s something I have to tell you.” She sighed and I bit my tongue because I knew that was what Ally would tell me to do. “Your mother was troubled, but it wasn’t entirely her fault. When Miriam divorced my dad, her and Rose’s parents – our grandparents – basically cut her off. They saw Rose as their only chance for a perfect daughter; they were controlling and cruel. I think it was that pressure that broke her, that turned her towards drugs and she got mixed up with serious ones so early.”
“They ignored her problem because it kept her under their thumb. And then she got pregnant, so they put her into rehab – which was a good thing, don’t get me wrong – but all it did was buy them time to find someone to marry her once you were born.”
“She fell in love with someone in there. Miriam never knew who, but Rose wrote to her and told her. After rehab, after you were born, her parents refused the idea – they wanted her to marry this lawyer that they’d found. Because of her drug problem, they had custody of you and they told her that she would never see you again if she didn’t do what they wanted.”
On the Edge (Winter Games Book 2) Page 32
