How To Throw Your Life Away

by Laurie Ellingham

  ‘Some of you here tonight are here because you have recognised on your own that you need help dealing with your outward expression of anger. Well done, you deserve a round of applause,’ he said, his claps reverberating around the silent hall. ‘You’ve made a very important step in taking control of your behaviour.

  ‘And some of you are here because you’ve been given an ultimatum by loved ones, or by the authorities,’ the counsellor completed his circuit and arrived back at the front of the class, his gaze fixing once more on Katy as he spoke. ‘Attend anger management class or else. Perhaps you don’t think you need to be here.’

  Katy bunched her hands into tight fists in her lap and focused her eyes on the swirling notches of the pale wood floor. How dare he keep looking at her like that. For all he knew, she could have been one of the applause-deserving, self-actualising, people who had woken up one day and thought ‘hey I need anger management.’ It wasn’t true, but he didn’t know that. He knew nothing about her.

  ‘Whichever group you fall into, let me be very clear from the get go. There will be no easy passes. No tuning out at the back of the class. I have designed these sessions to be interactive. So sit up, listen, ask questions as we go along, and I promise you, you will learn something new about yourselves.’

  His gaze travelled from one face to another. ‘Any questions so far?’

  ‘Yeah, Mr Pearce, you gotta sign my attendance sheet,’ the boy next to Katy said.

  ‘Thank you-’ Tom paused for a moment, reading the name badge stuck across the t-shirt, ‘Damien. Anyone who needs me to sign a record of attendance please stay behind at the end. No attendance, no signature. I don’t accept excuses and I don’t accept sick notes.’

  Katy looked at the other people in the class. She was the only one without a name badge or a notebook. The only one who didn’t need to be here. One moment of weakness. One crazy decision, and now it seemed she would be paying for it forever.

  ‘First things first. Everyone sitting in the back row. You, you and you.’ He pointed at Katy, Damien and a bald man in a smart pinstripe suit. ‘Stand up, pick up your chair and move to the front please. We’re going to form a semi-circle. As I said, no sitting at the back with your head down in my classes.’

  A clammy moisture covered Katy’s palms as she stretched her fingers out and stood up. With her back, and the growing sweat patches, to the wall as she dragged her chair across the floor, all the while the counsellor’s eyes remained fixed on her.

  Why did he keep looking at her? As if he could read her thoughts.

  ‘Our late comer has missed all of the introductions,’ he said to the class. ‘What is your name and why are you here?’

  Katy’s eyes darted from face to face as seven complete strangers waited to hear the mortifying truth. A burning heat spread up her neck.

  ‘Hi,’ she tried to smile at the group. ‘I’m Katy.’

  ‘Hi Katy,’ he replied, as he bent over the table at the front of the room and wrote something down. Here is your name badge for this week whilst I remember all of your names, and here is a notebook for you to take notes in during the classes, and to complete your homework assignments in.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Katy said, sitting down at the edge of the semi-circle.

  Laughter broke out from the two teenage girls sitting across from her. One of them elbowed the other before raising her hand in the air. ‘Mr Pearce,’ she said, ‘Katy didn’t tell us all why she’s here.’

  ‘Okay Chelsea, we were getting to that, and please everyone this is not school, you can call me Tom.’

  ‘Katy, please tell the group what brought you here today?’

  ‘Seriously?’

  ‘Yes, seriously,’ Tom said, dropping the smile from his face and resuming his glare. ‘If you’d have arrived on time then you’d have found this exercise quite eye opening. It’s important for your own learning that you’re able to explain why you need to attend anger management classes.’

  ‘I really don’t.’ The words slipped out before she could stop them.

  ‘See class, this is a classic example of someone who has been forced to come, rather than recognising on their own that they have a problem. So let’s try again. Katy, why are you here?’

  ‘What I meant was,’ she paused and tried to swallow. Her mouth was as dry as paper. ‘I did sort of snap. Just once, and that was it. I know it was wrong. I know it will never happen again, so I’m not really sure what I will learn from this.’

  ‘Okay,’ Tom said, looking at the black watch on his wrist. ‘Let’s move on. Listen and take part, Katy, that’s all I ask. You never know, you might get more out of this than you think. And next time don’t spend so long hanging out at the bus stop across the road. We don’t bite do we class?’ A wide grin spread across his face causing a trickle of laughter to travel around the group.

  Katy opened her mouth to respond but no words came out. They were laughing at her. He’d made a joke out of her. Any normal human being would have realised how uncomfortable she felt. Any decent human being would not have made her feel like the class idiot. Who did this guy think he was?

  ‘Now for today’s class, I am going to settle you in nice and easy with some quick control techniques, which you can use from the moment you walk out the door tonight.

  ‘When you start to feel your body react, which we will go into more next week, and feel the first signs of anger. Maybe your breathing gets a bit quicker and you start to fidget or clench your fists.’

  Again, his gaze fell on Katy. She dropped her eyes to her lap and saw her hands had made two tight balls. It didn’t mean anything. She wasn’t angry at this particular moment, was she? Frustrated, maybe. Embarrassed, definitely yes. But angry? No. Katy unwound her hands again and placed them flat out on her thighs.

  ‘What you really need to do in these situations is buy yourself some time whilst you sort through your feelings and think about the consequences if you allow your anger to take over your actions.

  ‘The easiest and most effective thing you can do is walk away. Just stop what you’re doing and remove yourself from the situation. Go for a walk, get a drink, cool off. Give you mind time to catch up with your emotions.’

  A large man in a khaki shorts and navy blue shirt raised his hand in the air.

  ‘Yes,’ Tom nodded. ‘John, you have a question?’

  ‘Thanks Tom,’ he said, his deep voice booming across the hall. ‘I was just thinking about how walking away is definitely not an option for me in my line of work. I drive the number nine bus route, and like I said earlier, I get a lot of abuse from the school kids, and I can’t exactly pull over to the side of the road and go for a walk. I’d lose my job.’

  ‘Good point John and thank you for sharing. Don’t worry I’ve got some more very simple things you can do. Like counting to ten in your head. It sounds stupid but it really works. And I don’t mean firing off the numbers one, two, three, and so on. I mean taking a full breath in and a full breath out in between each number. Let’s all try it now. One. Big deep breath in,’ Tom paused lifting his arms in the air as he breathed in. ‘And out,’ he said, pushing his arms back down. ‘Two...’

  Katy stared at the faces of the people around her. They all seemed to be buying into the counsellor’s words. Even Chelsea and her friend had stopped whispering and were counting along.

  Why did she feel like the only one who thought this exercise, this entire class for that matter, was a waste of time?

  Although by the looks of it, bald suit man seemed as enthusiastic about counting as she was. His expression seemed perpetually set in angry face. He looked exactly like the type of man who needed anger management, Katy thought, moving her gaze on to the woman sat next to him.

  She had bleach-blonde hair, feathered around her narrow jaw. She had to be in her fifties, Katy guessed, although she really had no idea when it came to guessing ages. She’d once dated a guy for a few weeks (Claire had named him Seven Second Sam because of his inab
ility to last any longer than that in the bedroom department) who she’d thought was around the same age as her. It was only when she’d overheard one of his friends refer to Katy as a cougar that she’d realised he was so much younger. It had taken her less than seven seconds to get out of there.

  Katy stared at the woman’s white linen trousers and floral top and wondered if Monday used to be book club night, and they’d changed the venue without telling her.

  ‘Katy?’

  ‘Yeah?’ Her face turned towards Tom as she answered.

  ‘I was just saying that distraction is another technique which can help when you find yourself reacting negatively to a situation.’

  She’d not been listening. He knew it, she knew it, and now thanks to his continual attempts to embarrass her, the entire group knew it. What was this guy’s problem? She felt like she’d been transported back to school. Year 11 history to be more precise and Mr Lawford’s exasperated cries whenever a pupil dared to look out the window instead of listen to him.

  ‘This really worked for me the other day,’ Tom continued, addressing the group again. ‘And before you all gasp in shock, yes I do get angry,’ he laughed. ‘I was waiting for my new sofa to be delivered. We’ve all been there. I’d paid an extra tenner for the delivery company to narrow down my delivery slot to between eight in the morning and one in the afternoon.’

  The counsellor started walking around the group in a large circle again. ‘So right off the bat, I wake up in a bad mood because I know I’m going to be stuck in for most of the day. By lunchtime I’m pacing the living room and staring out the window. When my delivery slot ends and there is still no sign of my sofa I can honestly say that I was pretty pissed off. I called the helpline but of course their computer system was down. So what do I do? I know I’m angry, but I can’t exactly go for a walk because I might miss my delivery. I try counting to ten but I still feel pretty annoyed, so I turn on the TV and find something to watch.

  ‘The next thing I know the door bell is ringing. I was distracted by the TV programme and by the time I got to the door I’d forgotten I was angry, which is good because I was able to take a step back and see that the delivery driver was more frustrated than I was. It turned out that he’d been giving a dodgy order sheet that morning and had been delivering the wrong furniture to the wrong houses. I ended up making him a sandwich and helping him get my sofa off the lorry.’

  Tom completed another circle and arrived back in front of the group. Every face stared back at him, their thoughts focused on his story, including Katy’s. He might be a total jerk but he had a knack for telling a story.

  ‘Once you allow your anger to take over, you stop seeing the world clearly. All you see is you and your problems. You fail to see anyone else’s point of view, which in most circumstances only serves to make things a lot worse.’

  Tom looked at his watch again before continuing. ‘So let’s recap. What are the three techniques we can use to help us when we feel angry?’

  ‘We...’

  ‘Walk away,’ everyone but Katy answered.

  ‘We...’ Tom said again.

  ‘Count to ten.’

  ‘Slowly,’ he added. ‘And what else helps?’

  ‘Distraction,’ the group answered in unison.

  ‘Brilliant,’ Tom smiled, causing the skin around his eyes to crease as he looked from one face to the next, and finally landing on Katy’s, causing her cheeks to flush as she waited to see how he would embarrass her again.

  ‘That’s it for tonight, everyone. Well done on making the first important step in controlling your aggression before it controls you. Homework for this week is to use one of the three techniques we’ve discussed here today and report back next week. If you need a signature then come over to the table now. Otherwise, same time, same place next week.’

  The two teenage girls lifted up their matching shiny black bags from the floor and rifled through them, both pulling out a sheet of crumpled yellow paper that looked the same as the form Katy had neatly folded in her own bag.

  They rushed forward, already pulling out their mobiles phones as the counsellor scribbled on the paper. Damien followed their lead.

  Katy looked at the remaining people. Bald suit guy and John the bus driver had already left their seats and were walking, one after the other, towards the door.

  Only Katy and the woman with the pampered hair remained in their seats. Just then the woman smiled at Katy and stood up.

  Please don’t stop and talk to me, Katy thought, also standing up. This was not a place where Katy wanted to make friends.

  ‘You seemed a bit flustered earlier, are you alright?’ the woman asked as she approached Katy. ‘You don’t seem like the type of person I’d expect to see here.’

  ‘Neither do you-’ Katy said, pausing to read the woman’s name badge. ‘Diane.’

  The woman looked behind her before leaning closer to Katy. ‘Can I be honest with you?’

  Katy didn’t respond but Diane continued as if she had. ‘Don’t tell the others, but I’m here for research on my next book. It’s a crime thriller. The detective gets sent to an anger management class by his boss for beating up a material witness in a gangster shoot out. I wanted to see what happened here and what type of people attend. I have to say, it’s not what I expected.’

  An unease enveloped Katy. ‘You won’t put me in the book, will you?’ she asked, trying to smile as if she might be joking. The very last thing she needed was for this particular part of her life to be captured in print for the rest of time.

  Diane laughed. It sounded hollow and tinny. ‘You don’t need to worry about that. No offence, but you are far too tall to be a female character.’ Diane glanced behind her at Tom’s desk. ‘Sorry,’ she said to Katy. ‘I’m just going to grab Tom for a few questions. Now, he on the other hand could be in my book. I might even change my main character to look more like him.’

  Katy lingered a safe distance from the table and watched Diane and Tom talk. Was the counsellor good looking? Maybe Diane needed her eyesight checked, Katy thought.

  Putting aside the fact that he was a total wanker for embarrassing her, she could not see what Diane meant. He did have broad shoulders and muscular arms, but didn’t fictional characters have to be tall dark and brooding too? Tom Pearce was none of those things. He was short for one thing. Well too short for her, which meant he fell under the six foot three mark.

  He didn’t have dark hair either. He had rusty brown hair, that based on the much lighter reddish hair that she could see on his arms, would have been bright ginger when he was younger. And he definitely didn’t have the brooding face of a book character. He smiled far too much. Yes fine, Katy conceded to herself, he did have a nice smile and a nice face, not that he’d bothered to smile once at her.

  ‘Do you need me to sign that?’ Tom’s voice broke through her thoughts.

  Her face flushed again. She’d been so busy staring at Tom’s features that she hadn’t noticed Diane leave and Tom turn towards her.

  ‘Yes please.’

  ‘No worries,’ he replied, stepping closer.

  He was taller than she’d thought a few moments earlier. Six foot and a quarter to be precise. She knew his exact height because his dark blue eyes bore directly into hers, unbalancing her somehow.

  She’d spent so much time looking down on her friends, on her family, on work colleagues and everyone else she met. And then there was Adam, who even she had to look up to, when he wasn’t slumped on the sofa that was.

  ‘Don’t be late again though, okay?’

  ‘I said I was sorry. You didn’t need to embarrass me like that.’

  ‘I didn’t.’

  ‘Yes you did. Telling everyone that I’d been waiting at the bus stop-’

  ‘Which you had,’ he smiled.

  Katy ignored him and carried on. ‘And you kept staring at me. You-’

  ‘You were not listening,’ he cut in again. ‘You were sitting there in a rage an
d couldn’t even be bothered to listen to something that could actually help you.’

  Katy opened her mouth but could not find the words to reply.

  ‘Look Katy, I’m not worried about the Chelsea’s and Damian’s of this group. They need my help sure, but they are young and need to learn to stop causing fights when they’ve had a few too many drinks on a Saturday night.

  ‘You, on the other hand, look as if you have a storm raging inside of you, fighting to get out. But instead of paying attention and trying to learn, you zone out the minute I start talking.

  ‘That’s not true. I listened to your sofa story,’ Katy retorted.

  ‘Only because I called you out for not listening to me.’ His eyes continued to stare into hers.

  Before Katy could think of a reply the doors opened and a man with bright white hair poked his head in. ‘Almost done?’ he asked.

  ‘Almost, Jim. I just need to change and grab my bike.’

  Tom bent over the paper and signed Katy’s form before handing it back to her.

  ‘I’m sorry if you felt I embarrassed you. It wasn’t my intention.’

  Katy glared at Tom as she waited for his next dig. Instead, he walked away towards the corridor at the end of the room. Her eyes followed him for a moment longer before she spun around and strode towards the door.

  CHAPTER 5

  Tuesday

  ‘Is there anything you want to ask us?’

  One.

  Two.

  Tom Pearce could take his counting technique and shove it up his...

  Three.

  ‘We understand you must be upset, Katy,’ Martin from Human Resources said.

  Four.

  Upset? She’d been upset an hour ago when she’d been dragged into the stuffy meeting room in the furthest corner of the office before the kettle had boiled. Before her cup of tea had been made, let alone consumed.

  Five.

  Upset? She’d been upset when Martin had told her not to worry about her client call with Nelson Industries. ‘Sit tight, it’s being handled,’ he’d said.